This was a situation I never could've guessed I would be in.

Me - a picture of sexiness and divinity - standing in the threshold to Heaven, whilst Alex - a gloomy barrage of anger at this present moment - lingered in the gateway to Hell.

As you do.

He had already tried to get through to my side.

Let's just say it wasn't successful.

Apparently it's not common for travellers around these parts to participate in any farewells, so it was just Alex and I, standing in morose silence.

I mean, the situation was sullen.

I didn't even attempt to make any ridiculous puns. No belts of any fitting songs or just a cheeky little wink.

I just stood there. Just as he did. Fingers twitching, feet shifting, not knowing what to say or what to do.

"I'm sorry." Alex's words fractured the silence like Jeremy Clarkson's wit. I did a double-take before looking at him, bemused.

"Say what now?"

"I dragged you into this..."

"Why are you saying sorry? Hell - I get to go to Heaven!" That was the wrong thing to say. The air was as thick as Donald Trump.

"Yeah. I guess I shouldn't be sorry." His words were bitter; his eyes flashed.

Oops.

My mind told me to leg it like an extremely high cheetah but I remained still, an awkward laugh dying in my throat.

"There must be a way. This has to be a mistake! I mean, um... You're a good bloke!" I threw up my arms. "A nice fella once someone gets to know you! Right?"

Alex merely rolled his eyes. "This is no mistake. I doubt the rulers of the dead make any mistakes. I'll just get on with my life, and try and stay out of Satan's way. Easy-peasy. And whilst I fight for my life, you'll be in Heaven's finest strip club, jerking off with an angel."

"Hey, don't take that tone with me! Once you look deep enough Hell has stripclubs too! But with demons! But hey - who likes a good girl?"

"It isn't about just the strip clubs!" Alex yelled.

Well, excuse me. "I mean, it could. I have never seen a man in more dire need of a blowjob."

"Can you please shut up? I can't spend my whole life in Hell, running away from a threat that can destroy me with a click. I can't spend my life trying to pretend that I'm alright. Hell is not what I want. Heaven is."

"But why, Alex? I mean sure, Heaven is a more desirable location. It's the Hawaii to Vladimir Putin's underpants. But that can't be the only thing. Sorry if I'm a bit thick but I don't have the faintest clue as to why this fluffing thing is even happening! Alright?" I flailed drastically.

"You won't understand I-"

"Please may all departing souls travel to their locations. The gateways to the realms will shortly be closing." The tannoy drawled.

Alex made to continue, but the speakers interjected once again.

"I mean it. You have ten seconds or you're screwed."

"Just ask God! Ask anyone! Please mate!" Alex cried desperately, before we were ushered through our separate doorways.

--------------

"Haha, this mattress is really bouncy."

I could get used to this lifestyle. A tidy little attendant had escorted me to my new house (yes, a whole house!) and boy was everything comfy.

Currently, I was introducing myself to a very nice bed.

In Hell, all I had known was the worst of the worst: the grimiest, most pungent and disgusting things ever imagined. All this stuff was clean!

However, the attendant seemed a little bored of my antics. Whilst I joyously bounced, he looked on, smile growing tighter with every second that passed.

"Come on, come bounce with me!"

"I'd rather not." He replied. "I have other people to tend to."

"Yeah, lots of people die. Must be a bummer. I'll be here with my comfy mattress and a genuine smile. Loosen up mate. You've got your face shoved up your bottom so high the thing in your throat is your nose." I grinned.

"Goodbye. And good riddance." He swiftly left.

It was only after a much continued rummage through my new place that I remembered Alex. "Poo."

After a quick coffee, I strolled outside, making my way to the building I had become acquainted with when I first arrived.

Carefully, I made my way through the entrance, trying to ascertain how I would go about this.

"Good morning! May I be of any assistance?"

So much for my James Bond act. Turning around, I faced the receptionist, putting on my best. "Can I have an appointment with God please?"

"Of course. Name?"

"Inferno."

"Last name?"

"Don't have one."

"Why not?" The lady asked, eyeing me with more scrutiny. "Your name is rather..."

"Hellish? Yeah, I know. I'm from Hell. Went through the ruddy Purgatory trials and I'm here! WHOO! May I please just see God now?" I replied.

Suspicion registered in the lady's gaze, but she carried on anyway. "God's schedule is rather busy at this current moment in time. However, feel free to take a seat! Your appointment will be in approximately an hour." She flourished to the waiting area, a clean, pristine celebration of white.

"Cheers." I replied. I sat on the nearest seat - which was also very snuggly - kept an eye on the clock, and waited.

Yay.