I remember laughing. And not just a harmless little titter, but a full on, deeply hysterical bout of the giggles. He wanted to convert from Hell to Heaven? That was a first, believe me. Obviously, similar occurrences had happened prior to this discussion, but they were all the soppy, whiney 'AHHHHHH GOD CLAIM ME.' Type of things. But Alex - he looked serious. Too serious for my liking.

"Mate, you can't do that. I can't do that. Believe me, if something like that was possible, we would've all skedaddled by now. Just get the idea out of your noggin and try and have fun down here." I said after my frenzied chuckles, wiping the tears from my eyes with disdain.

"Fine." Alex replied, but he hefted his briefcase onto the table with an obstinate stupidity. Opening the case, he revealed a monstrous amount of human money; bunches of 20 quid notes wrapped up in with elastic bands. "How much to you want? I have a total of a million in 'ere. It was meant to be in my will, but since I have no family or friends who like me I requested to be buried with it. Convenient, right? So - how much do you want?"

Blinking slowly, I snorted. "Dude, you're too funny and so, so naïve. This is all worthless you plonker! We don't use that money in Hell! Our currency is ash. Burn your possessions and then buy them again, that type of thing."

I thought he would admit defeat after that, but Alex merely shrugged and took out a lighter from his pocket. "Fine. I'll burn it all!" He clicked the igniter, and a small flame danced at the tip, beckoning me to accept with enticing fingers.

"Nope. Nope, nope, nope! I will not succumb to your unpretentious bribes. We all may be sinners but if Satan finds out we're all screwed. And screwed in this place means serious torture, assault, removal of limbs and all that snazzy stuff. So, nope. Now, you will put that naughty briefcase away and I will show to your accommodation."

Alex exhaled a deep sigh, but he relented, returning the lighter to his pocket and shutting the case with a sad 'click'. "Now, is this room five star? I expect nothing less, not even in the afterlife."

"Sorry, no can do. I think your roommate is Fred: the lunatic who sticks cheese up his bum." With more glee than was decently necessary, I flourished my hands to where the horizon loomed. Impending on the skyline was a gigantic row of dirty, leaning, red apartment blocks, their entrances shrouded in fire and burning rubble. "Believe me, it is a pleasant place, once you get past the smell of burning, constant screaming and frequent murders. It's just like real life, really."

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After I had deposited the grumbling damsel into his apartment, I went to HeadQuarters. You see, Consultants like me had a rather special privilege. And I'm not talking about free coffee and chocolates-on-pillow privileges, oh no. If you have my job, you're allowed to look through into the living world, and if you're really lucky, even move amongst them. Of course, you're invisible, you have no form. You're like gas, really. Floating about...

The purpose of this, however, was to check up on your client's work place, their family and friends. Not because we're kind and we can spread joy into their sorry little systems, but so we can see if the client really was missed, and to try and find out more about them if they were being difficult.

Strutting into the building, I walked into the elevator. Just before the door closed, a squeal resonated and a petite form squeezed in with me. "Heyyy Infernoooo."

Oh great. It was Blaze. The squealy idiot who just happened to hound me with her adoring pleas and fanatic fangirling. I mean, I'm a rather handsome devil - if I say so myself - but I do not appreciate annoying women running after me at every opportunity.

Stoically ignoring Blaze, I impatiently jabbed the button of the floor I needed. Blaze - obviously not taking the hint - practically draped herself over me with a grin. "How are youuuuuu?" Why did she always elongate her words? Is she permanently drunk or something?

Why is the elevator so damn slow?!

Jubilation, my floor has been reached! Just in time, the extent of my patience was being reached as well. "Uh, bye Blaze!" I drawled with a sickly grin, stepping out of the elevator with a wry wave of my fingers.

"But Infernoooooooo!" Came the cry behind me.

Hastily moving into the appropriate room, I walked over to an available regarding station, the milky water below me moving and weaving like a fluttering heartbeat. "Alex Miles." I murmured.

The cloudy surface below me started to contort and convulse. Air whipped my hair and face, the breeze tugging me to look down into the appearing vista in the water. "Alex Miles - funeral." A whispering voice susurrated, and the situation was revealed.

No one attended his funeral. What he said was correct: he had no family or friends who loved him. The scene was desolate, but the shrine and headstone was florid and exuberant. He clearly had a lot of money, the product of many employees and exploited affairs. I was about to remove myself from the scene when a figure moved at the edge of the graveyard, her face obscured by a veil. Once everyone had departed, the woman came and stamped on the headstone, kicked the dirt, disturbed the polite flowers the gravediggers had provided.

Alex Miles had no friends, no family, but enemies.

I would soon find out the toll of people who hated him would rapidly decrease.

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