Oh boy, Alex didn't know what was coming his way. I hope Hell's insurance policy covers blown minds.

Part one, day one of magnificent plan: Become Cupid. And no, that doesn't mean wear a nappy and swing exuberantly from an incense-swathed chandelier, but instead bring together a rather alluring group of Hell's finest women.

Surely Alex had to fall in love with at least one of them? From his documents it seemed he had his fair share of affairs. And he thinks he has a chance to go to Heaven. Ha! Guys who exploit women in such that way are never going to reach the Pearly Gates.

Shame, really.

Anywho, that's why I found myself traipsing up and down the streets and apartment flats, looking for people who had at least a gram of beauty.

It was by 3am I was questioning my brilliant plan. No one wanted to participate. Hell, there was no one really that could participate. Who wanted a hag called Gertrude who was as crusty as stale bread as their wife? Who wanted the bloodstained, intoxicated, murderous woman who used a potato peeler as a murder weapon as their partner?

Unless I made him blind, deaf, possibly without taste buds also, Alex would relent. But that wasn't going to happen. Gouging out his senses wasn't going to make him any more content with Hell.

So it was, 20 minutes before Alex was due to arrive, I was sprawled on my desk having a major crisis. I wish they made Lamborghinis down here. It would make these sort of dilemmas much more enjoyable.

Then a knock resonated on my door. It couldn't be Alex - he would just barge in, the rude sod - so it had to be someone else. Who?

"Come in..." I murmured.

"Infernoooooooooo!" Sweet mother of the anti-Christ it was Blaze. Just what I need. (Note my profound sarcasm).

"Oh yippee." I muttered with as much enthusiasm as the prostitute who just realised her (or his) next client was Donald Trump. 

"Oh darllllinggg you look a mess!" Blaze squealed, tottering over and patting my cheek. Irritably, I swatted her manicured hand away.

"That's because I'm in one. Now, leave because you can't help!"

"Of course I cannnnn!" Blaze slurred, a pout pulling out her lips.

"Mate, I'm sorry but you are not the person to help this dilemma. You're stupid, ditzy and care more for your looks than your personality." It felt good to openly insult her. "Do you need some aloe vera for that burn?" I added, wiggling my eyebrows.

"Are you unwell?" Was all Blaze said.

Well, that didn't work.

"Look, please just go. You can't help."

"Of course I can! What's the matter Infernooooooooo?" Blaze drawled, sitting on my chair. My beloved chair!

I was about to have another shot at insulting her, before a light bulb clicked in my head. Blaze could be the woman Alex could go for. That way, Alex will rid himself of any Heaven illusions and Blaze will get off my back.

It was rather perfect, if I do say so myself.

I leapt up off my recumbent position and flourished my hand. "Blaze! You're single, right?"

Blaze promptly started gasping uncontrollably. "Yessssssss I am!"

"Good! I have a friend you may like."

Blaze's happiness faltered, but there was no time to explain: Alex walked in.

"Here he is! Sexiest Beast this side of the Underworld!" Alex looked miffed as I shoved him toward Blaze with an expectant smirk.

Blaze raised an eyebrow, peering past the shape of Alex to look at me, confusion etched onto her makeup-slathered face. Alex crossed his arms and barely looked at Blaze. He glared at me, too. "So this is your plan?"

"Come on guys! Blaze, this is Alex Miles. Alex, this is Blaze."

Blaze rolled her eyes and promptly sashayed to me. "Infernooooo, what's the meaning of this? Why would I be interested in himmmm? My eyes are only for youuuuu?"

I literally gagged. "Kill me now. Look, I-I'm--"

"He's taken." Alex interjected, a devious glint in his eyes.

"Oh yeahhhh?" Blaze drawled.

I flailed wildly.

"Yeah, by Melly the Milkmaid." Alex finished.

"Is that sooooo?" Blaze whispered, pouting.

"But!" Alex cheerily continued. "I've heard he's breaking up with her! And he told me he had a reservation in his heart for you!"

That cheeky little son of a --

Blaze wrapped her arms around my neck, squealing with delight. "Ohhhhh Inferno! That's great news! Melly was way out of your league, just saying. She's as uglyyyyy as the udders she pulled! Now, there's this restaurant - you probably know the oneeeee - called Italian of Doom? I'm free tomorrow babeeeeee. How about we meet up and have some dinner?"

I started choking, shaking my head wildly.

"Aw, the poor thing is so amazed by your beauty he's lost for words." Alex cooed. Blaze blushed. "But I can tell you he's absolutely up for it! He wouldn't say no for the world!"

With a mighty kiss on the cheek, Blaze squealed one last time. "Pick me up at seven!" She then swiftly tottered from my office.

Feeling the lipstick smeared across my cheek, I staggered straight, glaring at Alex. "There's no way I'm going! I tried to help you and you made me have to go out with that cretin!" My voice was squeaky.

"You have to go, Fern. Or shall I say Infernooooooo." Alex chuckled. "This is Hell. If you stand her up, she'll kill you!"

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{Mwah ha ha ha ha! Hope you enjoyed! }