Y O U

Why do you desire to be loved when you can't even love yourself? You see? When you can't love yourself- the self who's seen your worse, has undergone the worst, faced and heard even worse- how can you expect some random stranger to love you endless regardless of your flaws and imperfections?

Isn't that so ridiculous? Our delusional attitude always kept us in shadows, made us a fool, for love.

Well yes, I'm that delusional fool who needs to be loved although I'm more than sure, I could never love myself.

My imperfections, my flaws, my insecurities, my fate, my destiny, my desires, my everything, has me lost in an unavoidable trance.

Okay, get out of the overthinking session, dear self.

Living under the same roof with Jungkook and Taehyung is like you're roaming freely in a wild forest knowing you can be attacked anytime. Cheap safari experience that can cost your precious life.

Both are equally wild, no one beats the other. Each day, they prove me wrong by doing something inhumane and unbelievable. Once, Taehyung poured tomato sauce over Jungkook's tea, who was busing jamming over PowerPuff Girls, just because he didn't cook anything for him. And I think you can smell the consequences already. Jimin had severe trouble breathing that day.

And about university, it's going hectic. The university is still sensitive and hyped over the so called relationship and honestly? It sucks. I never wished my university life out of all to be like this. I thought it as the actual escape but right now it's the only thing I want to escape leaving all that I've, behind.

After last night's incident with the Jimin at the library, my best internal quality volunteered freely to give a better reason for not sleeping all night: over-thinking.

It was so..... mesmerising and nostalgic to even start with. But how could I ever replace such entrancing memories with the one's that reminds me, that I'm cursed?

How can I think of joy when each fiber of my body screams pain in agony? They are too broken to be heard.

✨

This gigantic library is haunting me. Intoxicating me with it's cherishing moments. Suffocating my cells, for how everything has changed - from how it used to be to how it is - now.

I'm scared to explore furthermore but do I ever listened to myself? I explored each and every corner, but could never reach the end, as if it never had one.

Jimin monitored me and my unpredictable moves which were highly based on the war of thoughts battling in me. Although I respected his terms of restriction, I wonder why he forbid me to go to a particular section, I have no idea about it's label but I remember, it used to be Legends.

Legends, the label itself sounds so majestic. It used to be the stories about the legendary lovers, some who would sacrifice everyone for each other and some, who would sacrifice each other for everyone because they were bounded by certain boundaries, or should we say forbidden lovers?

Well, to be honest, forbidden lovers used to be my favourite genre. I would comment my sadness with him and feel grateful that I'm not having a fate like them, until it actually became mine. It was the thing I desired but didn't want it to myself.

Forbidden lovers sound so sacred and majestic itself. Things they've to sacrifice to be with each other, but we know that fate can never be defied. At last, they are taken away from each other by the universe, giving the hope that they'll meet in next birth. It's true that power of love knows no length but fate, knows everything. And people say that whatever happens, happens for a good cause, then why am I still standing here alone?

I don't even know why I'm here. I don't know if I've a lot of thoughts or no thoughts at all. I'm so blank, it should be concerning but thing is, no one is.

I roamed all over the library. My soul was in ecstasy, as if finding a piece of home in this abandoned library. The past was surely the best, living and leading in the present is surely nerve wrecking.

Jimin made sure not to interupt my session and maintained a distance. But his eyes were teary while admiring the library and he couldn't seem to break free, I tried to step further near him but couldn't.

That particular fear, fear of losing someone again, rose in me all of a sudden and the mute clock of that library, which seemed to be broken all the time, started ticking out loud.

It was ticking loud on my side, and I couldn't be panicked more. I knew I was going to meet again this time but,  was I prepared?

Am I?

After all of our tragedic adventures, it's a big no.

Still then, I wanted him to appear. Like he does, in my dreams, in my memories and in my nightmares. I have loved him with my everything and nothing, how can I not desire to meet him? Be one with the one who designed the me?

I ran, holding a random book, out of the library. Jimin, confused with my sudden outrage, followed me out. I wished hard to the heavens to protect this library no matter what price it takes.

I ran past the various sections of different genre, which claimed very inviting but fortunately, fate had something else to twist.

And I ran. Like a crazy teen who dreamt of pure love but failed miserably. But like I said, fate had different plans for me, (not like I am hopeful about it) I'm quite eager to see, what worse can happen to this so-called life.

I'll visit this piece of home again and again, paint it with my colourless paints unless and until I meet the colour of my life who can paint my scars colourful.

💢

“Why did you run out like that? Saw ghosts or something? Like what?”
Jimin and his mocking persona, a hilarious combination but it wasn't the time to laugh.

“I saw something more than that. And don't ask me what. Just take me home.”
With that, he walked towards the portal with me following him.

Though I knew, I had no "home" to feel at ease but, is it okay to stay besties with the past? Is it okay not to move on? If not, then tell me,

How would you feel when your right to freedom and love is taken away because of your standard?

How will you cop up with it?

How is it like to live a life without your soul? Why can't you just die when you're stabbed everyday? Just, why?

It's not even about fate or time or what ever the universe has destined for us.

It's about me and him.
He, who gave a reason to live life.
He, who showed an amusing life.
He, who gave a meaning to life.

How can I think of joy when he's the one who gave it it's meaning.

I'm pathetic.
I'm sympathetic.
I'm helpless.
But, I'm not weak.

If you were in my shoes, you'd probably trip in the next few steps. I hope he's proud of me, for I don't reflect my almost suicidal thoughts in my life.

A cold breeze gently caressed me, a caress that gave me eye-shutting goosebumps.

My eyes filled with tears as I heard a voice I longed to hear for so long.

“Yes, darling.”

It has to be him.

Please.

✨

End of chapter 14: Forbidden
To be continued~

Okay—

Maybe things will get interesting?
I hope so.
Kiara's breaking thoughts are about to decline soon, for she's going to meet him soon!