I feel the knife plunging into my stomach, twisting and yanking at entrails. Words, words should not be this violent. This is unjust, that his words could cut me like razors, little cuts all over, making me feel like I'm bloody and raw before him-

"I am not a traitor," I say too loudly.

Even I can hear the lie.

"I expected a quiet Dimaraste daughter to follow Kyoro into that tent, but you came in with eyes much too sharp and a tongue to match. I expected you to sit beside her quietly, demurely, but you interjected until she had to put a hand to your knee to silence you. You fidgeted like an animal caught in a trap."

"Stop it," I blurt out, feeling the cold hands of memory pulling at me. The tent smelled of mulling spice and cardamom. The seat beneath me was plush, the wooden armrests worn smooth from the worrying fingers of many thousands of merchants.

It's only one meeting, my lovely girl, my mother whispers in my ear, I know it's a nasty thing, but it's necessary. You know that; you see truth for truth. If we follow blindly where Somitu leads this family will fall to ruin.

"You hated me from the first moment you saw me," he continues. "I half expected you to growl. A caged tiger, a little tiger girl come with her mother to subvert the will of the Dizsa herself."

"We did what we had to do," I rasp, his words working their way into my skull, burning me from the inside, caustic acid poured into my ears, caustic memories wrenched forward- forced to be examined in the bright light of morning-

"A nice excuse," he says, pushing me further. "You came with her that day to negotiate the continuation of that policy of looking the other way. You both came to me behind the Dimaraste's back-

"We couldn't lose the income from the black market! We- Somitu thought we could, thought we had to sever all ties with the Vasayaste before they tainted us, but the treasury was still close to empty even if we were recovering- the drought was over but the aftereffects wore on-"

"So you came behind their back to me," he repeats. "Well, I'll give you credit for leaving. I'll never forget what you said to me before you did, though." He smiles at me, forcing the memory down my throat.

I sat still. I let my mother do the talking, after those first interjections, because my tongue felt stiff in my mouth. Almost swollen, dead and useless meat.

I only half-listened. The particulars my mother offered, Sholu's responses, all were overshadowed by the feeling of complete wrongness crawling about under my skin. I should not be there. I should not be hearing-

"You're right," I heard Sholu say, coming in and out of the conversation while I battled the urge to get up and run and forget I'd ever entered that goddess-damned tent. My mother's hand on my knee felt like a restraint, a plea for stillness, but I wanted to run.

"You're right. Somitu is an idealist of the worst sort, but she's effective. She'll hold the Dimaraste together for a few years yet. But when that delicate little golden bird of hers takes charge it will all go to ruin."

I glared, a warning. Shira was so much more than just a pretty face. So much more than fine bone structure and wide, pooling eyes that seemed to dance in the light. He was pretty, but he was a thousand things besides.

"He's a useless thing, I know well enough," Sholu continued, ignoring my heated gaze. "A pretty, cosseted pet that won't be fit to run a party, much less a count-"

"Hold your tongue, commoner!" I hissed, springing up from my chair, throwing aside my mother's restraining hand. "He is the future Deme of Arzsa and you will address him as such!"
"There's no need to be offended by the truth," he said.

"The truth?" I seethed. "You, commerce's whore, think you know the truth of Zsavina's blessed son?"

"O'otani." My mother warned, tightening her grip on my wrist. "Be silent."

"And let this little lord speak against my bloodbound?" I pulled myself from her grip, feeling a sting of betrayal. I looked at Sholu, meeting his gaze with one full of fiery fury. "You want the truth? The truth is that you and all the other Vasayaste are a necessary evil. You will never be more than that, no matter how high you try to climb; the gutter stench clings to you still. The truth is that Amshira is the purest, most perfect thing Zsavina has created in years. Only idiots fail to see beyond his beauty, but I suppose I shouldn't have expected much from a man who funneled all his money through the hole between a whore's legs!"

"O'otani Koritzu, hold your tongue!" My mother said, raising her voice. She looked at me like I was a stranger for a moment.

"I apologize for her, Sholu. She's- she has a temper." She cut her eyes at me. "Now sit down, Oé. We've talked this through, this is what is best-"

"I want no part in it," I declared, stepping away from them. "It might be what's best, but I want nothing to do with any of it. Keep it away from me."

"O'otani-"

I left the tent before my mother could finish her entreaty, or before I could hear her disappointed sigh. And I never went back.

"I left and I never came back," I say shakily to Sholu, breaking out of my reverie. "I had no part in it."

"You kept quiet," he argues. "You didn't tell the Dizsa or the Izsai. I thought you would, really, I told your mother as much, but she was right when she promised me your silence."

I feel the weight of that silence now, pressing down from above, trying to suffocate me. For once I held my tongue, even from Shira.

His mother whispers in his ear, mine told me. He does not know what is best- he'll balk at the idea of continued interaction with the Vasayaste, but without it the family has no future. He has no future. And isn't it your job to protect him, even from himself?

I was a fool. I am a fool, I think, looking to the knife for comfort. Goddess, if I'd only said something, maybe I would have been able to stop this- to prevent all of the loss, the evil-

"Your silence made you my accomplice," he says, like he knows the bent of my thoughts, the exact time to speak to have the most visceral impact. I start, lean forward as if to protect myself from an unseen blow.

"I am not your accomplice. I am not- not what you say-"

"You didn't need the Vasayaste to stain you, you see? You did it all by yourself. Betrayed your bloodbound, your Dizsa and your country! And yet you act like you are so much better than me."

"I am better than you!" I shout, starting forward. The chair smacks hard against the stone floor. My body quivers with tension, each muscle pulled taut. Tears gather in my eyes. "I did what had to be done. I protected him, even if I had to lie to him. He needed protection. His mother whispered into his ears so much he couldn't think for himself, couldn't see the truth-"

"Just as your mother whispered into yours," he says, still calm, my outburst causing no visible change. "She told me she could control you, and she was right."

"Do not speak of my mother," I snarl. "She was on her knees begging! You shot an ally in cold blood. Her last words were an appeal to you!"

His eyes soften somewhat. "I am sorry I had to kill her, O'otani. I wish it hadn't been your mother-"

"You did not have to do anything!" I scream, another cord of my control snapping. "You did not have to murder them! You did not have to take Alya from me, and Haim, and Nather, and my mother, my- my mother- you didn't have to take my title, my city, my home! YOU CHOSE!"

"I chose to reform a city, and bringing in the new guard required the sacrifice of the old," he says. "Originally I meant to have Kyoro live, we were allies, after all, but she proved herself too much a snake to be trusted. It was too much risk to let her live." He almost sounds pleading.

"She came to you to help save our family, and you put a bullet in her head," I yell. "She wanted an ally and you gave her an executioner!"

"She was not innocent in this," he throws back, still eerily calm. "Are you still so blind? You haven't figured it out?"

"What?!"

"Everything I said that day on the gallows was true, save the names." He meets my eyes, gauging a reaction. "Someone did give me the palace blueprints. Someone did tell me exactly where the guards were stationed, and at what time the family would be together in the grand hall, too drunk to fight back."

"No." I mutter, beginning to shake. No. Pure terror seizes me, as fresh and cold as it was that day on the gallows. No, he's a liar, I can't believe- she couldn't-

"I told them it was you to save your life," He says. "I'm sure it's what she would have wanted. Kyoro loved you very much."