CHAPTER EIGHTEEN.
the guilt troubled girl

GUILT. IT WAS a powerful instinct. It was a painful feeling that stirred a mix of worry and regret into one overwhelming and powerful wave of emotion that washed over the individual who was unfortunate enough to embody that feeling. It was something no one would ever wish on another person. No one should have to suffer the harsh feeling of a single thought gnawing at your brain, your insides twisting into tight knots and causing for a kind of sickness to bubble in the pit of your stomach. 

     That was exactly how Nova Van Kirk felt when she was forced to watch as JJ Maybank turned his back on her and the rest of their friends after their explosive argument outside of Barry's home. The girl could never forget about the way JJ looked at her when she snapped at him, or how she brought up his deadbeat dad when she was trying to convince him to walk away from his plan for revenge. Nova knew she crossed the line when she dragged Luke Maybank's name into the argument, and she didn't even get a chance to apologise before JJ left them stranded without him.

And now she had no idea where he was, the boy becoming a ghost for the time being whilst Nova and the group were left alone to ponder on the whereabouts of the Maybank boy. In fact, he was all Nova could think about right now, her every thought being clouded by JJ and whether or not he was safe and sound, and not dead in a ditch somewhere, the very thought of losing the one person who truly understood her becoming a worrisome fear that made the girl's entire body tremble.

If he was found dead and Nova never got the chance to make things right, she would never forgive herself, and that scared her most of all. She didn't want JJ thinking she hated him, or resented him for dragging her to the home of her old drug dealer. Sure, she was angry with him, but it wasn't enough to spark hate between her and the Maybank boy. Truth is, no matter how hard she tried, Nova could never hate JJ.

Those were the thoughts that rushed through Nova Van Kirk's mind whilst she sat with her friends around a small table within the four walls of The Wreck, a place notoriously known for its delicious food, whilst the group conversed about JJ and where he most likely was, proving that Nova wasn't the only one worrying for the boy. It gave her some peace knowing she wasn't alone.

     "Do you guys think he's okay?" Nova spoke up, her voice shaky as her quiet voice ripped through the short moment of silence, the girl expressing her worry for the Maybank boy.

     There was no denying they were all worried for JJ, but some more than others. Everyone glanced at Nova and noticed the look burning bright in her ocean, blue eyes and the way she stared at the rest of them for some sort of reassurance. They were all aware about how close Nova and JJ had become this summer, and how much they cared for each other. It was clear every time the pair were in the same room as each other, and that was why Nova was worried now. It didn't take a genius to figure it out.

Sarah stared at Nova for a brief moment, before she used her foot to kick John B from underneath the table, the boy flinching at first, a sharp wince leaving his lips as he lifted his gaze to meet eyes with his girlfriend. However, Sarah simply shot him a look and nodded towards Nova, indicating for the boy to say something that would ease Nova's nerves and crippling anxiety over the Maybank boy.

Nodding his head, John B cleared his throat. "Look, he'll come around, all right?" John B reassured the blonde sitting opposite him, his eyes locking with Nova's for a swift moment, before he let out a sigh. "It's...he's doing a JJ thing." He added, his words not doing much to help Nova, not even a little bit. Nova was grateful that he tried though.

"Do you think he'll go home?" Kiara piped up, the Carrera girl staring down at her reflection in the metal table displayed in front of her.

     Kiara's question was enough to make Nova wonder the exact same thing. JJ had no one to turn to in this very moment. He didn't have Nova and he didn't even have his friends, meaning he would have nowhere else to go other than back home where his father would be waiting for him. The very thought of what could possibly happen to JJ once he stepped into the four walls of his own personal nightmare was enough to make Nova Van Kirk worry all over again.

From what she had learned when realising the kind of man Luke Maybank was, it was that the majority of the beatings he inflicted on JJ was as a result of JJ doing something to get under his skin at first. But from her own experiences shared between her and Rafe, Nova had learnt over the past year that abusers will just snap for no reasons and do anything and everything to release their boiling anger and twisted fury. So, Nova also knew abusers didn't need an excuse to inflict pain on their victims. They do it because there's no one that can stop them.

So, it left Nova wondering what would happen to JJ if he came face to face with his father again. She knew the outcome wouldn't be good.

Nova began to look around the table, her eyes flickering between her friends as she parted her lips to speak. "He wouldn't do that, right?" She inquired, wanting nothing more than for someone to agree with her, and luckily for her, someone came through when she needed it most.

"There's about a zero percent chance that JJ goes home." Pope spoke up, causing for Nova to lift her gaze, staring into the direction where the Heyward boy stood, his eyes looking out at the docks displayed in front of his chocolate brown coloured eyes.

     Nova just hoped Pope was right.

"You okay?" Nova turned her attention away from Pope and over towards John B when she heard his voice ring through her ears, the girl noticing that he was staring at Sarah with a concerned look glazed over his eyes.

     The sight was enough to make a ghost of a smile form across her lips, her eyes flickering between Sarah and John B for a moment. It was a refreshing sight to see one of her best friends with a guy who genuinely looked out for her. No guy has done that for Sarah before. Topper was a contender, but he pushed the Cameron girl at times and Nova saw that every time she saw them together. She was happy that Sarah was able to find someone like John B — someone who will love and protect her no matter the circumstances.

     Maybe if Nova was lucky, she would find a love like that one day.

     Sarah simply smiled back at her boyfriend, nodding her head in response to his innocent question. "Yeah. Are you?" She then asked, earning a heartwarming grin from John B soon after she had spoken.

     "I mean, I'm in one piece, so..." He trailed off, making an attempt to speak once again. However, Pope Heyward was quick to turn back around and approach the group sitting around the table, his familiar voice catching all of their attention in the process.

     "Okay. It's too dangerous to pawn this thing off piecemeal. So our best bet is to go down there and get the rest of it. Bring it all up at once. Put it in a safe or a vault or something. I don't know. Just until we can find someone who won't rip us off." Pope began to explain to the rest of them, earning a nod from Nova in response. It seemed like the most ideal and safest option as of now. "I can figure it out tonight, get it done, and we can be out there tomorrow morning." He concluded, earning a few more nods of approval from the rest of the group, John B included.

     "All right, let's do it." He sighed in defeat, knowing it was the best plan they had, and they could all trust Pope to put together a plan that would work in the end.

     "What about that thing with my dad?" Sarah asked John B, her eyes focused on him.

John B simply spared the blonde a quick glance before he cursed underneath his breath, a sigh filled with annoyance escaping past his lips whilst the rest of them stared at the boy with confusion in their eyes. "What thing?" Pope was the first to interrogate further, wondering the same thing as the rest of them.

"I have to go fishing with Ward." John B announced, looking around at the group, his words causing for Nova to frown at the boy. She couldn't believe he was going to skip out on finding four hundred million dollars worth of gold to go fishing with Ward Cameron of all people.

Kiara scoffed in response to John B's words, frowning back at the boy. "You can't get four hundred mil 'cause you're gonna go kill fish?" She questioned, her voice laced with disbelief.

"Look, I have to go." John B sighed.

"Just ditch him, John B." Juno told her friend, causing for Nova to nod her head in agreement with the girl.

"I have to, okay?" John B argued back, silence flooding the air surrounding the group of teens, before John B parted his lips to speak once again. "He saved me, all right? If it weren't for Ward, I'd be in foster care. So I have to go. Plus, it'll be better to do it at night, right?"

It was silent at first, nothing else being said whilst the group of teens continued to look around at each other. Nova couldn't help but stare at John B with a sense of understanding igniting in her veins. She knew all too well about Ward and his generosity. She experienced it first hand after Riley passed away. He would constantly lend a helping hand to the Van Kirk family whenever they needed it most. Despite the fact that her parents would deny to help time and time again, Ward was always there to check up on the family. He was a good guy, always giving back to people who needed help most. It was just the kind of man Ward Cameron was.

So, Nova leaned back in her chair, giving everyone the clear indication that she wasn't going to oppose John B's decision to go fishing with Ward, whilst Pope spoke up. "Fine. Fine, go fishing." The boy sighed in defeat.

Kiara then nodded her head, "And at least JJ will probably have washed up by then." She informed the rest of them, knowing it was a possibility he would show up sooner rather than later.

However, the mere mention of JJ Maybank was enough to invite all of Nova's past worries back in, the girl beginning to feel a mix of guilt and regret in the pit of her stomach all over again. This caused for Nova to sigh quietly to herself, before she cleared her throat, gaining her friend's attention as she began to stand back up from where she was previously sat, the girl wanting nothing more to go elsewhere — somewhere where she could be alone.

"Is everything okay?" Sarah asked the girl.

Nova lowered her gaze to stare back down at Sarah, the girl forcing a smile whilst she spoke. "Yeah. I think I'm just going to head out for a bit and clear my head." She told them, before she vacated the premises and abandoned the group.

     "I'm going to make sure she's okay." Juno sighed, standing up shortly afterwards, staring back at her friends with a reassuring look burning bright in her dark and luminous eyes. "I'll be right back." She concluded, before she followed Nova outside of The Wreck.

When Juno walked outside the small building, she looked further ahead to see Nova was already vacating the premises. This caused for the O'Connell girl to quickly chase after Nova, her shoes hitting the hard wooden surface beneath her in the process, before she stretched out her hand and wrapped her grip firmly around Nova's, turning the girl back around to face her, both her's and Nova's eyes locking with one another.

"Hey, I just wanted to make sure you were actually okay and not lying your ass off..." Juno trailed off, a quiet chuckle leaving her lips soon afterwards, her choice of words earning a small smile from Nova in response. "Look, I know you're worried about JJ, but I'm sure he'll come around. He's disappeared for long periods of times before, and he always comes back. You have nothing to worry about." She explained in a reassuring manner, hoping it would ease Nova's worries.

Nova sighed, nodding her head. "Yeah, you're probably right." She replied. If this was a normal thing for JJ to do, then maybe she shouldn't be worried after all.

"And I know that was happened at Barry's place must have really fucked with your head." Juno spoke up once again, changing the subject. "And you have every reason to be mad at JJ about it. You're finally getting better and returning back to your old self and the last thing I want is for this one little incident to ruin what you've been working towards these last couple of weeks." She elaborated further, a smile forming across her lips.

There it was again — the guilt.

Nova wondered how she could stand there and listen to her friend's kind words regarding her recovery whilst a small plastic pouch of the same drug was buried deep in her back pocket, the girl having every intention of using it if things got tough again, or maybe not? She doesn't even know. All Nova knew was that she had drugs in her pocket and she was stood there, smiling at her best friend and taking in her praises as if she was perfectly fine, when in reality, she was one little white line away from falling into the deep end all over again.

She really was a terrible friend. At least that was how she felt.

However, Nova didn't have the guts to tell Juno the truth, despite the fact that they made a promise to never lie to each other again ( she really did suck ), so Nova rolled back her shoulders and forced another smile across her lips, before she parted them to speak again. "I'm fine, Juno, seriously." She reassured her friend.

Juno raised a brow, "Are you sure?"

"I'm one hundred percent sure." Nova answered, reaching out and grabbing Juno's hands with her own. "Now I'm going to head home and clear my head for a bit, then how about you and the rest of the gang come and pick me up so we can figure out how to get the gold out of the well?" She suggested, earning another smile from Juno in response.

"Fine." Juno sighed, finally giving in. This allowed Nova to let go of her hands and begin walking away. "Stay safe, especially with Barry gunning for our asses." She warned her.

"Yes, Mom." Nova replied in a jokingly manner, saluting the girl before they parted ways.

But the twinge of guilt in Nova Van Kirk's stomach still remained.

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When Nova Van Kirk arrived home, she was surprised to find her parents were nowhere to be seen, nothing more than a note left on the kitchen counter, informing the girl that they had gone for a dinner together — which Nova didn't mind since she thought her parents deserved some alone time. Between their busy work schedules and being full time parents ( let's not forget the dark secrets they're hiding from their daughter ) they never had time for themselves. It gave Nova some sort of peace knowing her parents were moving on with their lives and rekindling their romance after losing Riley.

     She wasn't ashamed to say that she was finally doing the same.

     Sighing quietly to herself, Nova scrunched up the hand written note and tossed it into the bin, before she left the kitchen and began to make her way upstairs. However, the girl quickly froze in place when she heard a suspicious noise coming from upstairs, causing for Nova to stop in her tracks, her weary eyes looking around suspiciously as she contemplated whether or not she should keep going, or turn around and call the cops for help, especially if there was an intruder inside her house.

But instead of turning around, Nova allowed her curiosities to get the best of her, before she continued to walk up the stairs until she reached the top. Nova then heard a second suspicious noise. It was coming from her bedroom. This caused for Nova to approach her closed door slowly and carefully, hesitating with each trembling step that she took closer towards her bedroom door. That was until Nova stopped and stretched out her hand, curling her shaky fingers around the handle, a shiver crawling across her skin when she came in contact with the cool metal. Nova twisted the handle pushed the door open.

     When she poked her head inside the room, the girl expected to find masked figures rummaging through her things. However, she was shocked when she saw JJ Maybank of all people sneaking in through her bedroom window. Nova sighed with relief and stepped into her room, catching JJ's attention in the process. From what Nova could see, he was a mess. His clothes were covered in dirt and his blond hair was a matted mess, making Nova wonder what had happened in between now and the last time she saw him.

"I know I'm probably the last person you want to see right now..." JJ spoke up, sniffling in the process. That was when Nova realised he had been crying too, his eyes teary and bloodshot. "But I didn't know where else to go—"

JJ didn't even get the chance to finish his sentence before Nova rushed over towards the boy and wrapped her arms around him, pulling him into her embrace and holding on as if she never intended on letting him go, the smell of cheap beer flooding her nostrils, proving to Nova that had had been drinking. As for JJ, he didn't move. What he did do was allow his tense muscles to unravel underneath Nova's comforting touch, but there was no denying that he flinched, worried he was going to meet the harsh end of someone else's knuckles all over again.

     Nova then pulled away and looked up at JJ, his teary eyes meeting her own, a concerned look washing over her face whilst he began to speak. "I thought you might still be mad at me after what happened earlier." JJ informed the girl, a not so genuine laugh leaving his lips. It almost sounded forced.

     "No. I'm just glad to see you're okay." Nova answered, shaking her head whilst JJ walked past her and took a seat down on the bed. "JJ, everyone is so worried about you. After you ran off we didn't know what to think." She explained, staring down at the boy whilst he only looked down at his shaky hands.

"Well, here I am." He mused, forcing a smile across his lips. The sight of his forced happiness being enough to make Nova worry.

This caused for the girl to take a seat down beside him, her body sinking into the soft mattress beneath her as she turned her head to glance at the boy. "JJ, what's wrong?" She asked, being able to point out his sadness like he could with her.

There was a short moment filled with silence. During that moment, Nova watched as JJ became real quiet, his dark and teary eyes staring down at his shaky hands, sharp and harrowing breaths leaving his lips with every heavy breath he took as an attempt to control his electrifying waves of emotions, his veins acting as a catalyst for the torturous feelings pumping like acid through his bloodstream. Whatever he was feeling, Nova could feel every emotion, the girl becoming a little more anxious with each waking second that passed her by. She had never seen JJ so tortured. It made her wonder what had happened when he was gone.

"Nova, can I ask you something?" JJ questioned, his trembling voice catching her full attention all over again. The girl then watched as JJ glanced over at her, his sad eyes meeting her own, before he sighed quietly. "Do you think I'm just like him? Like my dad?"

Nova couldn't help but frown in response to JJ's odd question. "What kind of question is that?" She inquired, not really understanding the importance of that kind of question. Nova almost believed it was absurd, not liking the direction this conversation was heading. "Is this about what I said at Barry's place? Because if it is then, JJ, you have to know I didn't mean it." She told him.

     "Just answer the question, Nova." JJ demanded, his shaky voice desperate to know what the Van Kirk girl believed when she looked at him. Maybe she would give him the answer he wanted to hear, or maybe she would see JJ and view him like everyone else does — his father's son.

     "No. No, you're nothing like your dad." Nova informed him, a serious look burning in her bright, blue eyes.

Her response caused for JJ to let out a loud scoff, shaking his head. "You're only saying that to make me feel better." He retorted.

"No. I'm saying it because it's true." Nova argued back. "JJ, I never met your dad and I don't have to in order to know what kind of person he is. JJ, your dad is cruel and gets a kick out of hurting you. You're nothing like that. You're good. You...you're the type of guy who looks out for his friends. You're the kind of guy who takes the blame for sinking a boat, landing you in debt so you could protect Pope, and you saved me, despite the fact that I pushed you away so many times, you never gave up on me and now I'm a better person because of you." She explained, elaborating further to prove her point. "Your dad would never do those things for other people."

JJ sniffled once again, his eyes softening when he realised all the words falling from Nova's lips came from the heart, the girl remaining truthful whilst she tried to convince JJ of something he was still yet to realise. "You really mean that?" He asked her, his eyes falling back down to his hands. He could really use the reassurance more than ever right now.

     "Hey, look at me." Nova instructed, and when JJ didn't comply to her orders, Nova stretched out her arms and placed her hands on either side of JJ's face, caressing his cheeks with a gentle and comforting touch, brushing her thumb across his skin whilst she stared deeply into the boy's blue iris's. Nova could have sworn she saw a faint bruise painted across his sun kissed skin, one that was still healing from the last time JJ received a harsh beating from his father, the sight being enough to make Nova swallow the thick lump lodged in the back of her throat. "You are nothing like him. I don't care if I have to keep telling you that for the rest of our lives, I will keep doing it until you finally realise you are more than what people say about you."

"Thank, Nova." JJ spoke up again, expressing his gratitude for her kind words.

Nova smiled and brushed her thumb across the skin of his cheek once again. "Hey, I'm always going to be here for you. It's the least I could do after everything you've done for me, right?" She replied.

"Right..." JJ whispered back, his eyes becoming lost in Nova's enchanting gaze.

In that very moment, the boy's eyes flickered down to Nova's lips. He didn't know if he should blame the few cans of beer he had before coming to Nova's house, or the overwhelming emotions igniting in his veins, but it finally gave him the courage to do the one thing he's been dying to do. Whatever it was, it was enough for JJ to force his lips against Nova's. However, the kiss was short lived because it didn't take long for Nova to press her hands against JJ's chest and gently push him away from her, her eyes filled with shock staring straight back into JJ's.

     "JJ..." Nova began, a shaky breath leaving her lips.

     "I—God, I'm sorry, Nova." JJ apologised, already beginning to shuffle away from her.

     Nova shook her head, staring back at at mortified JJ. "No, JJ, it's fine." She tried to reassure him, but the boy was already on his feet, quickly making his way towards the girl's bedroom door.

     "It was a mistake coming here." He suggested, turning his back on Nova. "I'm just gonna go."

     "JJ, stop, can we just—" Nova didn't even get a chance to finish her sentence because JJ was quick to rush out of her bedroom, slamming the door shut behind him, leaving Nova alone. This caused for Nova to sigh as she stared at the closed door. "—Talk?"

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authors note.
NOVA AND JJ KISSED?!?! Also this is officially the turning point in their relationship and it's going to get very interesting so I hope you guys are ready for what I have planned.

Also random fact, 1 step forward 3 steps back by Olivia Rodrigo is a great song for Nova and Rafe and will be the title for a future chapter coming up soon. I'll allow you to theorise what's coming up next teehee 👀

Anyways I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter and I'll update again soon!!