I dug my nose into the hot, gingerbread-coloured fur, breathed it in. It intermingled in my soul with the sweet scent of hay.

My big boy Hans the gelding snorted, and I jumped.

"Your snorts scare the living daylights out of me, mate", I said.

His herd buddies, the gelding Pierre and the mare Pierre Corina, snorted in return. 

"For crying out loud..."

Hans was the biggest and the leader of the herd. The other two were smaller, but still large enough to be able to carry me and by height. All of them were the same soft gingerbread colour, just to make them hard to tell apart.

Since I hadn't grown up with money, horse rising wasn't a sport I'd taken with me from childhood. It was, I was ashamed to admit, a rich man's sport I had adapted when I became... Well, a rich man. When I bought the ranch, I had selected the horses from a rescue centre with the ambition to give them the loveliest, most easy-going life they could hope for. Maybe it was selfish of me to even ride them, but I never forced them to do anything, only asked.

And now, I was eternally grateful for them, since my skin was prickling with nerves and they calmed me down.

It would be my first day at my new job as an emergency nurse, and it was so early, the sun was just opening up its glowing, orange maw to a dull, purple world, splashing it with colours. I had practiced at an emergency ward before, but my experience was limited, and I hoped there were nurses who could guide me during my first few weeks.

But that was, of course, not why I was nervous.

"Wish me luck, big boy", I murmured to Hans, then went to give them their morning hay before going to work.

I was on edge all day. I was very aware of myself in the scrubs I was wearing, consisting of baggy light grey trousers and a black, short sleeved shirt. I had removed my usual rings and bracelets, but was allowed to wear my golden lip ring.

"What's wrong, honey?" one of the nurses asked me. "We won't bite."

No, but I know someone else who might...

But there was no tall, brown-haired male doctor to be seen, only Catherine and Han, a man from China with a name so similar to my horse's, it made me laugh a little because I couldn't help but imagine him as a horse.

"Madara."

"Jesus Christ!"

"Umm, I prefer Catherine, but whatever suits you."

I turned to the woman, the other doctor who had interviewed me alongside Hashirama. Or, honestly, the only doctor who had interviewed me; Hashirama had been too busy staring at me. I wouldn't forget his face or the feeling it elicited within me for as long as I lived.

"Sorry", I murmured shame-facedly.

"Relax. You're doing great. Hashirama comes at one, so you can keep your guard down until lunch."

She winked at me and left before I had the chance to protest.

At lunch time, I was a wreck. I had no problem eating though; my appetite had been splendid since I got sober and clean, so the nerves did not prevent me from munching on my cheese and tomato sandwich on rye bread alongside my crisps.

But I noticed my eyes darted this way and that in search for Hashirama. Would he eat lunch here? Or at home, before coming to work?

As I was working myself up to a crescendo of nerves, the alarm went off, meaning an ambulance was on its way with a badly ill patient.

"Cardiac arrest", was the report. "A woman of only thirty."

And when I ran into the emergency room with a nurse, Hashirama was already there, acting the team leader.

I stopped dead in the white, clean room and stared at him. He seemed to be moving in slow motion in front of me.

He caught my eye, and for the fraction of a second, I could see that his world stopped, too.

And I remembered the way his face had dropped when he first saw me again. I have so much power... So much control over this competent man, much more so than he has over me. 

But then, the direness of the situation caught up to us.

"Madara. Happy to have you with us. You're the leading nurse. If you're up for it?"

"Yes, Has-" Oh, shit. "Yes, Doctor."

I looked down and blushed, but still saw out of the corner of my eye that Hashirama was smiling a deadly half-smile that threatened to blow up into a grin.

We worked well, together, Hashirama and I. There was an algorithm on what to do in a cardiac arrest, and Hashirama was clearly impressed that I knew it by heart, and effortlessly handed him the things he asked for the second he spoke their names, as I already held them in my hand.

As we worked together, I was taken to a different place, a different time, a different life. In that scenario, I stood in front of a camera, in the middle of the ocean, fantasising about the mysterious H watching me do what I did best.

Now, the situation was much less exotic, much less unusual, but still...

He saw me do what I was best at, which wasn't modelling, anymore, but helping people. And it felt just as good as I had thought it would.

When we were done, the patient's heart beating once more, Hashirama took off his gloves...

And looked at me with such a stern expression, my own knees almost gave way.

"I get off at nine", he murmured.

"I get off at four. Come to my home. I'll write the address to you."

I went home and got ready to be alone with Hashirama Senju for the first time in years.

He knocked on my front door at ten pm.

I wasn't even nervous at this point, had just accepted the situation.

When I opened for him, he looked incredibly scrubbed up, as always. It struck me how well the countryside suited him. It struck me that living in central New York did, in fact, not suit him. This time, I knew I would ask him to come live with me, instead of the other way around. Let something good come out of all the money I had earned.

"What a place", he said mildly, handing me a splendid bouquet of sunflowers. I took them, blushing not only by the gesture, but also of the things we had written the night before. "It's beautiful."

I looked around me in the little world I had created for myself in the big house. I could feel the humidity in the air meaning dew drops were about to form.

"Thank you", I said, hiding my face in the sunflowers. "I think I did it for, you know..." He looked at me encouragingly, not letting me get away. "For us."

He smirked a little, a costume for hiding his true feelings. I understood then that we were still playing by his rules, just as we had done the night before when sexting. He would stop playing with me when... when he felt like it.

"Tea?" I asked, going in to fetch a vase for the flowers. I realised I didn't have one, never having had a reason to, so I just took a glass jug.

"Actually", he said. "How about you show me your horses? I've never really been close to one."

I smiled and took his hand.

"Come with me."

I took him out into the setting sun. I could hear the crickets sing, sing for us. I opened the tall wooden fence and pulled a slightly more hesitant Hashi in with me.

"This is Hans", I said as the big, brown horse approached us happily, his two herd mates behind him. I reached my hand into my pocket to grab some sweets I always had there, and put it in Hashi's hand. "He's the largest but the cuddliest."

My gelding instantly stuck his nose into Hashi's face to sniff him out. I didn't know any other horse who did that. Hashi took a tentative step back. I grabbed his hand harder.

"No, stay with me. Reach your hand out."

"He won't bite?"

"Not on purpose. If you keep your fingers flat, he won't bite on accident, either."

I held Hashi's other hand as he fed my horse his sweets, and I laughed as I noticed how hard he fought not to pull his hand back out of fear.

And I once more remembered how it had felt standing in that ocean imagining him watching me, how it had felt working with him this afternoon. 

I can be good for more than one thing at a time. 

"Watch this", I whispered, and I kissed him on his cheek.

Then, with one swift jump, I got up on my kind horse, who stood completely still with his ears pricked, happy to have me on board.

And with one small tap with my heels, I asked Hans to run.

I screamed in glee as he went off, running in the grassy field that was his home, faster and faster as I asked for more and more speed. Tears created by joy and wind ran down my face, and I laughed my heart out as we ran together, Hans and I, around my lover who stood in the middle, watching us. And it wasn't connected to work or performance; it was just a man and his horse, me and an animal that kept me grounded.

When we finally stopped in front of Hashi, both me and my horse out of breath, Hashirama was x-raying me with his eyes in that way he could do sometimes. 

"Get off that horse", he demanded. "Now!"

I obeyed because I was his good little pet. 

I think I hit my head in something when we kissed our way back into our home.

I couldn't remember.

All I could remember how his hair felt against my sensitive finger tips as I dug my hand into his hair, how his arms felt around my waist. 

He lifted me up and carried me to my bedroom. I had no idea how he found it, this being his first time here and all, but he threw me down on the bed nonetheless before turning me over and pressing my lower back down.

He just pulled my trousers down and pushed himself in. I screamed into the pillow in pleasure and pain, but every last drop of pain melted away as Hashirama started thrusting, moaning behind me as I kept screaming into my pillow, the pain melting away as Hashirama got wetter and wetter inside of me, milking himself.

"That's it. Take it all like a good boy."

I took it all like a good boy. Hashirama held his hand over my mouth, and as I came, I bit down on his hand not to scream, but I screamed anyway. 

Hashirama had no such inhibitions, but screamed his heart out as he came, too. When he slumped down over my back, I turned so I could look at him.

"Stay", I said.

And he did. 

I told him everything that night. About the drugs and the alcohol. And he told me everything. About his previous relationship and his dead child. 

"I tattooed this for her" he said and put his fingertips at his throat, where his delicate angel tattoo was imprinted forever. 

I tried to feel any negative emotions regarding it, but did not. It made me relieved, as I wouldn't like being a person who became jealous of such things. Instead, I felt only compassion. And it was a nice tattoo. 

"I thought that tattoo meant you had five hundred dollars and no-one to stop you. 

Hashirama laughed took my hand, braided our fingers. Then, he became serious. 

"I don't care whether you will want a child or not", he said. "The reason I'm with you is not because of what you can provide, but because of who you are."

I hugged myself close to him, hiding my face as I tried not to cry. And we stayed like that until the morning gently burst our bubble. 

"Come", I said, taking his hand. "I need to feed the horses."

He grabbed my wrist and pulled me down again.

"The horses can wait for fifteen minutes", he said.

He was right. Hashirama was fast. He was good.