She was too afraid to open her eyes. Her arms felt like they were at her side. Which meant she was free, not tied up. Or, maybe her body had been wrenched into such an uncomfortable position for so long that she no longer felt any pain from it. If she opened her eyes and someone was in the room, they would alert Vaith that she was awake. If she opened her eyes, she would finally see where she was and it wouldn't be in a warm bed like she had been in her dream.

Her dream had been so vivid that she almost believed it to be real. But she knew better than to get her hopes up. She knew what awaited her within the next few hours and her heart began to race at the thought. The dream had made things worse, she wasn't sure how she could handle another sun of torture and no food when she had just imagined full plates of food brought to her table as she recovered from the wounds Vaith had inflicted. She would push through, somehow, she couldn't give him the satisfaction of winning.

Theo finally forced her eyes open and blinked to adjust to the low light. She wasn't in a room surrounded by wooden walls, arms chained next to her, with open wounds begging to get infected. She was in the warm bed of her dreams. Next to her was Cooker, her mouth ajar and arm hanging over the cot she was using to sleep. At a small desk in the corner, Xyra used her folded arms as a pillow.

It hadn't been a dream. It was real. She was safe. Her heart rate began to slow down as she realized there was no immediate danger. There were no soldiers waiting outside her door. No looming threat of torture. She didn't know why she had woken up thinking that she was back in danger's way; her sleep had been free of interruptions, no bad dreams or bad thoughts. Perhaps that was the exchange, terror for a few minutes after waking up to make up for the peaceful night of rest. Or it was revenge coming from her bad thoughts, unable to get her when she was so loopy from her nighttime drugs.

Even though she wasn't in any immediate danger, the panic didn't subside as quickly as she wanted it to. Her fingers were tingling and her legs were urging her to get out of the room. It was a large space but she still felt trapped, enclosed, caged. She wanted to get up and get a breath of fresh air but she hadn't stood up in so long so wasn't sure she would be able to do it by herself. And the last thing she needed was Cooker and Xyra to startle awake and start their hovering so early in the morning.

Theo kicked herself the second the thought crossed her mind. She shouldn't have been annoyed with her friends, they were just there to make sure she was alright. When Theo didn't return from the fight, they must have been beside themselves with worry. Theo wouldn't know though, they hadn't really spoken about it. Cooker had come in the night before and they had a much-needed conversation. Cooker had apologized for her role in everything and Theo reciprocated with another apology from her. They spoke a little bit about the broken trust between them, that Theo broke Cooker's trust and Cooker broke Theo's. There were some tears, some long one-sided monologues about feelings but Theo's capture was never mentioned. When Xyra came back in later that night they didn't speak about it either. She was thankful about it though, she didn't know what to say if they were to ask about it.

Theo hadn't really allowed herself to think about what had happened on the lightbringer. She hadn't allowed herself to think of the girl that she left behind. Even just the general thought of both of those things made her stomach flip. Her mind was blocking her from going too far down that path and probably for good reason. She didn't think she would be able to avoid a breakdown if she truly grappled with just how much pain her time on the lightbringer had brought upon her. She needed to distract herself but she couldn't move.

Even though Riva had been gone, her presence absent from Theo's life for quite some time, divinity intervened. Thankfully, as she was getting restless enough to simply give in and stand up, Tuni walked into the room. Her hair was tucked under a tight bandana, there was a large bag of supplies around her shoulder, and in the low light she could see the stains of blood all over Tuni's clothes. Theo wasn't sure what time it was but Tuni had clearly just come in from working outside of the infirmary if her frazzled demeanor was any indication.

Tuni didn't even notice Theo was awake, she was taking in the rest of the room while she walked to Theo's side. Tuni put her bag down and when she finally looked up to meet Theo's
face, she jumped a bit as she let out a small squeak. Theo chuckled a bit at the display and lifted a hand up to wave.

Tuni put a hand over her heart and shook her head with a slight smile then whispered, "You almost made me faint."

"What time is it?" Theo asked.

"Sunrise should be in less than an hour," Tuni said and put her palm over Theo's forehead then pressed two fingers to her pulse point. Once she was sure that Theo was alright, she pulled away, "what are you doing up? Anything I should be concerned about, love?"

"Don't think so," Theo shrugged and kept a smile on for Tuni who looked exhausted and like she needed a friendly patient. The others she was tending to could get nasty, "guess I've just been asleep for so long my body isn't having it. The question is, why are you up?"

Tuni smiled a bit and put her hand over Theo's cheek, "You are not the only one under my care, dear child."

Theo took Tuni's hand from her cheek and pressed a kiss to the back of it, "And who is caring for you? You look like you haven't slept in suns."

"I am one of the only healers on this island and we had hundreds of serious injuries," Tuni explained, "it takes time to make sure everyone is alright and in the best health they can be. Once I have taken care of that, I will go back to my leisurely suns at sea cleaning up splinters."

"You're starting to sound like me."

"Maybe I am just doing this to get back at you for all the worrying you make me do," Tuni swatted Theo's arm lightly with a cloth that was in her pocket.

Theo laughed but made sure to keep it low and light, the others were still fast asleep and their whispering hadn't managed to wake them, "So, prison guard, am I allowed visitors?"

"That is up to you," Tuni reached down and pulled out a small vial and a waterskin, handing it to Theo to take, "are you feeling up for visitors this morning?"

Theo hadn't really thought about it. She was too busy pushing things along, partly to push against the rules put in place for her, that she hadn't realized that she wasn't ready for that yet.

"Not everyone. Just the officers, maybe. And don't tell them all at once, only if they come to you and ask if they can see me," Theo said and she felt a bit bad for that. Like she was a coward who couldn't even face simple human interaction.

Tuni stopped the conversation to push up on the vial in Theo's hand, prompting her to take it. Theo downed it and then chased it with water, the sharp, bitter taste not leaving her mouth even with multiple swishes, "You're trying to kill me, woman."

"That is to help your body fight infections, I am doing quite the opposite," Tuni picked up her bag and then placed a kiss on Theo's cheek, "I will bring Morgana by once she's awake. I know she will want to see you."

"How is she, by the way?" Theo asked as Tuni pulled away. The slightly upbeat air around them drained and was replaced with tension.

Tuni nodded, then shrugged, then took a sharp inhale as she adjusted the bag on her shoulder, "I don't know..."

Theo didn't say anything, she returned the answer with a small nod. It was permission for Tuni to leave and the healer made quick work of moving onto other things. Surprisingly, the other two didn't wake up from the hushed conversation that was had in their presence. Cooker awoke at the first rays of sun coming through the window and brought much-needed company to Theo, who had begun to itch for a distraction once again.

Xyra woke up at Cooker's lack of ability to contain her voice to a low whisper and went straight to work just minutes after having woken up, leaving the room in a hurry. Xyra, like Tuni, seemed burdened. She hadn't slept much, Theo knew that for a fact. But Xyra was always distant and always working, so nothing looked to be out of the ordinary on the surface. Theo knew better though, she could sense something was wrong but she could also sense that Xyra wouldn't open up about it. Cooker had grabbed them breakfast before beginning her mission of scoping out candidates for temporary hire.

Once she was alone, Theo took the chance of trying to stand for the first time. Slowly, she pushed herself up and she could feel the soreness of her ribs with each inch she lifted off the bed. With care not to make any noises that would alert Tuni or the other healers that she was attempting it, she managed to put her legs over the bed and sit up. She wiggled her toes and straightened her back but it all hurt. Her back, her legs, her calves, her arms, her ribs, her neck. No pain was the same, they were all different in cause and effect. It was taking more effort than she could have imagined and she had to close her eyes and catch her breath before she continued.

There was a chair next to the window, the one that Cooker had been using, and Theo wanted to be able to at least make the few steps it took to get there. Even if it was hard, the reward of having the scenery outside the window to distract her would be enough to justify the effort. Theo counted to three in her head, taking a deep breath with each count. On three, she pushed herself off the bed and her stiff legs were no help. She had to hold onto the bed as she tried to stretch them out. Finally, the planks of wood that disguised themselves as her legs loosened up and she was able to take one, two, three steps to the chair.

She crashed into the chair rather than attempt to make a graceful landing and her ribs paid the price. It hurt, but she had done it. She felt somewhat in control, somewhat more capable of handling what was to come. There was no way out of her duties, she had attempted to make her case the night before but she was told she was the only one that could lead them. She didn't believe it but she would have to accept it. She took solace in the fact that it wasn't her first time feeling out of her depth, far from the first time. Theo was experienced in self-doubt, the past length made sure of that. She had learned that even in times when she had no idea how she would be able to make it past an obstacle, they had managed to do it.

Saving her from being alone with her thoughts for too long, Tuni entered the room pushing Morgana forward in a wheeled chair. Morgana flashed Theo a smile and lifted her hand in greeting. Theo returned the smile but neither of them reached their faces. There was a knowing restraint behind it, a silent understanding that things weren't good even if it showed that way on the outside. Tuni wheeled Morgana right next to Theo, both of them facing the window. Theo caught the way Tuni looked her up and down, assessing any injuries sustained in Theo's walk over to the chair but she kept her mouth shut.

Tuni bent down and placed a kiss on Morgana's cheek before walking out of the room and shutting the door behind her. Morgana picked something off her lap and held it out for Theo, a plate full of pastries.

"Thought you might want some," Morgana said, "once I came to and we were back on the island, I couldn't stop eating. Figured you would be starving too."

Theo shrugged but reached over for a pastry anyway, "Not really been too hungry the past few suns."

Theo noticed that the hand Morgana was using was fine, it was her nondominant hand. Theo couldn't get a good look at her other arm, the one she remembered was broken. Without meaning to, one of the doors in Theo's hall of memories flung open and the images of fingers being cut off Morgana's hand entered her head. Followed by the sickening crack of her arm breaking just hours later. A chill ran down Theo's spine and she had to look away, fixing her gaze out the window.

Morgana didn't keep the conversation going. Theo didn't know how to spark it up again. Nothing seemed like the right thing to say. The pastry sat uneaten in Theo's lap, her fingers began to pick at the flakes on it, bringing some up to her mouth to eat. Crumb by crumb, Theo tried to keep the sweet down. It wasn't awkward but it was dead silent. Usually, Morgana couldn't go more than a few minutes without filling the room with noise once again but no sign of that Morgana was around. Her energy was subdued, sedated even.

"I don't know what to say, Mor," Theo admitted and looked over at her friend, the bruises on her face were healing and were not dark purple like how Theo had remembered it, "I am so fucking sorry."

"I figured you'd say something like that," Morgana shrugged a bit with a smile, "this ain't your fault, Theo. I went after you."

"Not that... I meant not answering the questions. Letting you get hurt. Letting them do what they did

"If you would have answered, nothing would have changed. They would have beat us anyway," Morgana tried reassuring Theo, "I don't blame you for me getting hurt."

Morgana reached her hand out and put it over Theo's arm, giving it a soft squeeze. The way the last sentence hung in the air, however, implied that Morgana did place the blame on someone.

"But you blame someone?" Theo clarified.

"I'm working through some things right now," Morgana answered, too vague for Theo to understand what it meant. The fighter leaned forward to put the plate of pastries on the windowsill and sat back with a grunt.

Morgana looked better than Theo had hoped but she still looked rough. Bruises covered her arms, face, and most likely several places under her clothes. There was a cast on her arm and leg and one of her hands was wrapped up because of the open wounds that were under it from missing fingers. What took Theo the longest to notice, however, and something she hadn't recalled happening was Morgana's short hair. Still in her signature two braids, her hair was neatly weaved but instead of long tendrils that reached her hips, the two tails barely made it past her shoulders.

Theo must have been staring for too long because Morgana frowned.

"What?"

"Your hair..."

Morgana recoiled at that, shifting in her chair and looking straight out the window, "They should have just killed me."

Theo shouldn't have been shocked at the statement. To Morgana, to fighters that came from The Twins, their hair was everything. Allowing it to get cut off was a shameful thing. It was a mark of weakness and cowardice and even though Morgana was far from that, it didn't matter to the fighter. Still, the comment hit like a cannon to Theo's chest.

"Is that how you feel? You would rather be dead?" Theo asked, while the question was abrupt, Morgana wasn't one that appreciated beating around the bush.

"It's been hard not to wish for that to have been my fate," she admitted, "I remember sitting alone at night and wishing for it all to just be over. I had always prepared to die but I was never prepared for torture..."

"I don't think anyone is," Theo supplied.

"What about you? Happy you made it out?"

"Come back to me on that," Theo chuckled a bit, "right now? I'm leaning towards no."

"Why's that?"

"If I died, then maybe I could have avoided facing the consequences for every single one of my piss poor decisions in the past cycles," Theo shrugged and let out a deep breath.

"Aye, you made some pretty questionable calls..."

"I'm sorry," Theo spoke up.

"You don't have to apologize to me for it, that needs to be saved for the crew," Morgana replied.

"I will repeat it to the crew but it is my fault you were caught. Had I not put Red in that mess, she wouldn't have been down there and I wouldn't have had to go after her and you wouldn't have had to come after me..." Theo admitted, bringing up Ava for the first time since waking up. She hadn't fully grappled with what she had done and there was a part of her that was still blocking her from feeling that guilt in its entirety.

"Theo, like I said, I don't blame you for that," Morgana repeated.

"Then who? Because you are making it seem like someone is to blame but there is no one else but me."

"Fortune..." Morgana admitted and Theo's eyes widened, looking at Morgana who refused to face her. Theo watched as she swallowed, "it's illogical, I know, but I can't help it."

"She's got nothing to do with this," Theo frowned. Did Tuni know how Morgana felt? Is that why she looked sad when Theo had asked about her?

"She's the one that gave you the go-ahead to throw Red back in jail," Morgana explained.

Theo shook her head, getting a bit frustrated at the fact that someone else was getting blamed for her mistakes, "I would have made that decision with or without Fortune's approval. Hell, I had Navi, Iona, and Xyra telling me not to."

"That wasn't someone I recognized..." Morgana whispered and finally caught Theo's eye, "The Fortune I know doesn't put innocent people in harm's way that way she allowed you to do... You're not blameless, I know that, but I don't blame you."

"That makes no sense, Mor," Theo wasn't understanding. She wanted to right things for Tuni, yet another person hurt because of her.

"Theo, what you and I went through... I can't bring myself to be angry at you for your role in all of this," Morgana looked pained as she said it, like she was also getting flashbacks to their time being captured, "I saw what you had to endure and that was punishment enough. It would do us no good if I came in here and yelled at you for making some bad choices."

"That's not fair," Theo whispered and looked away. She was tired of getting passes for her poor behavior. First, her two best friends she had treated like shit were there when she woke up. Then, her crew refused to take her position away. Now, Morgana absolved her of blame.

"Life's not fair," Morgana shrugged, "I take it you figured out Red wasn't a spy by now."

"Would rather talk about literally anything else," Theo replied.

"Tough. I wanted to talk about anything but Fortune yet you made me," Morgana said, "How are you feeling?"

"Like I doomed someone who helped our crew through so much back to the palace of hell from which she came because I was too much of an imbecile to realize I was being manipulated," Theo explained but she still wasn't letting herself understand the gravity of her words. Not allowing herself to ruminate over her past relationship with Ava and what that meant for her emotions.

"Don't know what that feels like, you'll have to elaborate," Morgana teased.

"Oh fuck off," Theo chuckled a bit, "I'm done talking about sad things with you."

"Damn, I was just about to start comparing our torture stories," Morgana smacked her teeth and huffed.

"Well, we saw most of each others. Not much to recap."

"You missed out on some of the good action," Morgana held up her hand, falling back on some of the humor she was so well known for, "took off me middle finger all on their own volition; greedy bastards."

Theo couldn't help but laugh along, "Aye, I have a few physical and mental wounds that were inflicted on me in your absence. I'll catch you up eventually."

Morgana laughed at that and reached for another pastry, dropping the rest of the conversation to look out of the window and watch the birds that were flying past, back and forth. Theo couldn't help the heaviness of her eyelids and she was being lulled into a peaceful rest when Morgana shifted her wheeled chair to face Theo. Theo had forgotten she was with someone and it startled her more than it should have. Her heart was beating in her stomach but she kept a calm demeanor and raised an eyebrow in Morgana's direction, prompting her to speak.

"She tried to help us, y'know," Morgana said, "I heard that she tried telling you that and you didn't believe her."

"Xyra told me that but it still doesn't line up with what happened to me," Theo shook her head, "she said one thing and another happened."

"I don't think she helped as much as she thought she did. But to be fair, the Vaiths are tricky people. I overheard the guards outside my door talking about how she had gotten one of the guards to alert her when Ulises was out of his cabin so she could stop him from doing anything."

"Why would she be able to prevent him from anything?"

"I'm not sure. But I think she threatened to squeal about her past once she got home from what I gathered," Morgana explained, "apparently, the odd schedule of torture and beatings? Because they had to tiptoe around her. They are slimy bastards, Red tried but she didn't stand a chance."

"I'm so fucking stupid," Theo wanted to stand up and pace around or leave the room or throw something but she could barely move without heaving up a lung. What had she done? She had known that Ava had no part in things since she woke up but knowing that she did try--that she stood up to her brother-- made reality pierce through the bubble of numbness she had been hiding behind, "Mor, I think I need to be alone..."

"I have something to ask you..." Morgana said then shook her head, "I should have started with that. I'm sorry. It ain't a good time for it, actually."

"No," Theo shook her head and patched the bubble as best as she could but the cracks were spreading. Her experience with lengths of being a captain took over and she bottled it all back up, "what is it? I want you to be open with me."

"I want to go home," Morgana let it hang in the air but the shock on Theo's face must have been evident because of the follow-up, "not forever, just for a bit. I need to visit, bring some coin back to my father."

Theo wanted to panic because there was yet another change she wasn't expecting but Morgana was in no state to take on responsibilities as an officer and Tuni could use the break after everything she had been attending to as the island's leading healer. She found herself nodding.

"Sure," Theo smiled, "I don't know what I will do without my vanguard leader or healer but I suppose I will learn to manage."

"I'm not taking Tuni," Morgana frowned and looked down at her hands, "I'm going alone, Cap."

Theo tilted her head and pursed her lips a bit.

"What?" Morgana asked.

"I didn't say anything."

"Your face says it all. I don't need your approval to take a trip without her."

"I didn't say you did, Mor, you are getting defensive," Theo held her hands up, "does she know?"

"Not yet," Morgana said and Theo found it hard to not react, she had asked thinking she knew the answer but she clearly didn't, "Theo, I don't need your judgment right now. I know you and Tuni have a special relationship, but I need you on my side even if you don't agree."

"Morgana, I promise that my friendship with her does not come in between my support for you," Theo reassured her, reaching over and squeezing her arm, "I don't fully understand so I'm a bit confused, but that doesn't mean you don't have my approval."

"What are you confused about?" Morgan asked.

"You're leaving to go see family, taking a break for the first time since you joined my crew, and you're not taking the woman you're promised to," Theo explained.

Morgana frowned at the words, her brows creasing, "How do you know that?"

"That you two are promised to each other?" Theo asked and Morgana nodded, "Saw the ring on her finger one night."

"You just assumed it was a union ring?"

"You think I don't know what your mother's ring looks like?" Theo rolled her eyes a bit, "I've known you for about five lengths, I have seen that ring more times than I can count. And, I didn't assume anything. Tuni confirmed it."

Morgana, who had grown tense for some reason, softened her expression and shoulders, "She talked to you about it?"

"I confronted her about it. You know what she's always said about unions. I wanted to make sure she wasn't being pressured into it."

"Did she feel like she was?"

"No, she assured me that it was something she wanted to do."

"Oh," Morgana looked away and Theo could see her jaw clenching.

"Doesn't seem to be the answer you wanted."

"Are you letting me go see my family or not?" Morgana changed the subject.

"I already said you could, I support your decision to go spend time with family," Theo nodded, "but you need to tell Fortune within the next few suns. I will most likely call for an officer meeting to go over our next chapter and routes within the next few nights, she needs to know by then."

"I won't be ready by then," Morgana shook her head, "I don't want to do it right now. Not when she's still got so much to do. No one is going to be naming me the vanguard leader anytime soon so the officer's don't need to know I'm leaving until later. And I won't be departing from the crew until we at least get to Nefriti and I can find passage to The Twins. Please, Theo. Not yet."

Theo didn't want to let this happen. This information was something that Tuni would be better off with knowing sooner, rather than later. But the look in Morgana's eyes was a pleading one and Theo didn't recall a time where her friend had looked so back against a corner.

"Alright, but she needs to know before we set sail for Nefriti."

Morgana didn't fight it, "That's fair."

Theo was proud of herself for not intervening beyond what she did. Whatever was going on between them, she didn't want to get involved and potentially make things worse for Tuni.

"I would leave but I can't really roll myself out and Tuni isn't here. She said she would be back in an hour," Morgana said, "or maybe Navi will come looking for me before then."

"That's fine," Theo shrugged, "how is Navi by the way?"

"What do you really want to know?"

Theo sighed, "How big the damage is."

"Pretty big," Morgana shot her an apologetic glance, "Navi's turned down chances to make tens of thousands of gold with little to no risk working for large merchant guilds. She is constantly being recruited by other crews on this island and she rejects every offer. And when she was trying to give you advice, as an officer should, you treated her like a pile of shit. Not only as her captain but as her friend, you crossed a line."

Theo didn't expect any less of a lecture, "I think out of everyone I was nasty to, I regret it with her the most."

"She did nothing to you."

"I'm aware."

"I don't mean to lay it on you like this... Navi is strong-willed and tough enough to stand up for herself but I know she won't do it with you. She respects and loves you too much to give you any grief for the way you treated her, she's told me as much. She thinks you have enough shit coming your way. So, I am telling you on her behalf."

"She's never stopped giving me grief for my bad decisions before."

"This is different. Everything about the situation is unique," Morgana said and Theo knew she meant that they had both been captured by The Center.

"Thank you for telling me," Theo looked away.

"Rebuild your trust with her before someone else poaches her and we lose a staple of the ship," Morgana advised, "and say you're sorry."

"Mor, I know," Theo said a bit more firmly, "I know I need to say sorry.

"Very well," Morgana huffed a bit and looked out the window, "you owe me three gold if the big bird and the one that's been bugging it start to fight."

Theo turned to look out the window and assessed the situation in front of her, "I'll take the bet."

------

Xyra put ink to paper and put Theo's signature on the last letter. Most documents that had Theo's signature on it were not ever signed by Theo, Cooker and Xyra had learned to forge it long before. She diligently folded the letter and placed a wax seal on it. It was the last one. The letters were being sent to their recruits waiting on Dove Island, the Twins, and Aeliz. Her eyelids were droopy as she piled all of the letters together and fixed her desk. After everything was in order, she took a sip of her t'lio root. The sun was peeking in through her tavern window but she had yet to sleep or even change into comfortable clothes.

There was a rush Xyra would get at the end of a long sun of exhausting work, whether mental or physical. The best feelings would come when her weariness was caused by both. Most people would find it unbearable having to go to sleep knowing the next sun had nothing in store but more work, more tasks, more exhaustion but not Xyra. It was a twisted thing because the rush of it, the high, it came from knowing that she was hurting herself. Hurting herself in ways that no one could see, ways that no one could stop.

She was punishing herself. She hadn't bothered to stop and really think about why. There was a list of reasons she didn't want to dwell on. Lying to her best friend, shutting out the woman she loved, mutilating people without a moment of hesitation; it was endless. The torture on herself was not going to end, it was a cycle. She would feel upset about something, she would overwork herself to a point of breaking, it would hurt her, she would enjoy the feeling, she justified it because at least if she wasn't handling it she was getting what she deserved from it, and after never confronting it, the feelings would dissipate only to resurface later on.

It wasn't like Xyra didn't know what was going on, she had figured out the patterns for herself before she was 10 lengths old. Aside from a few hiccups, a few times where she pushed too hard, she had managed to use her patterns to cope. Xyra was self-aware, she knew when to pull back and she wasn't there yet. She could keep riding that edge until the work ran out and they were on their way to Niveal.

Once at sea, her duties would drastically reduce. She wasn't quite sure what she would do when that time came but she would figure it out then. That time, however, was quickly approaching. Theo had woken up merely 12 suns before and they were already on schedule to finalize preparation within an additional two suns. Xyra did her due diligence and mentioned that Theo was getting on her feet too fast-- ironic given Xyra had worked way past her limit-- but she was paid no mind. Only three suns after waking up, Theo was walking around and gaining use of her legs and arms as much as she could, her ribs were healing nicely too. One sun later, she called a meeting with the crew.

Theo explained what happened, not with vivid detail, but she provided the crew with a vague outline of what occurred on the lightbringer. Why she had sent Red away. That she was sorry for putting her in jail in the first place. She also apologized for not giving them a voice in an important decision. Of course, as Xyra had ensured beforehand, no one contested Theo's position as captain. They understood she had made a mistake, as she had done in the past, and would learn from it.

Theo handled it with professionalism, grace, dignity and while the crew couldn't tell, Xyra knew there was a slight difference in tone when she spoke. It was her same poise, her same inflection, and cadence but there was a little less passion. There were moments where she knew Theo was relying on conditioned behavior, letting experience take over rather than being present. It was a tell-tale sign that Theo was running from her own head. Xyra had tried to address that as well but Theo waved her off, stating that there were better things to focus on than her emotions.

Xyra had no choice but to drop it and continue her assigned tasks. Which she finally finished that night. With the final letter signed, sealed, and the proper recipient written on the envelope her duties to both Corinspe and the crew were officially completed. The distribution of spoils had concluded, thanks to her guidance. Any and all things Corinpse were off her hands. The letters replying to requests for their presence and those asking for details were finished too. She had single-handedly ensured that they had a jump on making sure to attend to their commitments, making sure their contacts heard back from them and knew an estimate of when they would be visited in person. In that time, Cooker had also recruited a decent crew to work for them until they arrived in Niveal. Their route had been set. The duties and positions were divided up in light of the new crew and missing members. Barring any emergencies, they would be fine. Even with emergencies, they had capable leadership to help; including Blue. With everything in motion, the date to sail off would be set soon.

Her stomach flipped and her chest tightened. Finishing all of her work should have brought relief but it didn't. On the island, she could control things. Out at sea, not so much. But these were things she couldn't think about or things would seem like the walls were caving in. All of the overworking had made freezing up a lot harder to control but she was still able to work through it before she actually froze. It hadn't happened yet, she had it all under control. But the sudden realization that she couldn't distract herself with anything was catching up. Somehow, not working made freezing up harder to stop than working had.

She needed to walk it off, the letters needed to be delivered. As she stood, her head spun and her belly threatened to empty the sips of alcohol and t'lio root she had been taking all night. It was hard to swallow past the need to throw up but with a hand gripped on the back of her chair she got through it. Xyra buttoned up the shirt she had loosened and made it out of her room. She had work to get done.

—-

"You can say no, Xy, I don't want to push you into anything you don't want. But we've got some big ships and I don't trust anyone else to run them but you and Cook..."

"What are you asking?"

"Captain one of the Galleons."

The conversation was replaying in her head. She had just left Theo's room in the tavern where the officers had gathered to finalize details and set a date for sailing. All but one of the matters had been settled, who would captain the two galleons that were added to their fleet. Theo had called for a break and asked Xyra to take responsibility for one of the largest ships in the growing fleet. She knew it had been coming, it would've taken someone with no foresight to have missed it. So, she had thought she would be prepared when the question came up.

But she wasn't.

She had a handle on her emotions in the moment, agreeing without much fuss and maintaining that same nonchalance throughout the rest of the meeting. Once they adjourned, however, she began to lose her grip. A walk was all she needed so that is what she went to do. Xyra liked familiarity in times of stress, so, she went to the bench that had been her place to think for lengths, one she had shared with only those closest to her. The cool air was only getting more bitter as the peak of the cold cycles were upon Corinpse but Xyra opted to leave her coat in Theo's room.

The pinpricks settling into her skin, biting as the breeze picked up around her, helped ground her. She regulated her breathing while she trekked to where she knew she could calm down; her bench in the mountains overlooking the nightly activities of Corinspe. As she found her way to it and sat down, the lanterns outside of the establishments were flickering and she allowed herself to become hypnotized by the dancing flames. She was lulled into a false sense of clarity. She pulled her attention away from the town below and dropped her head against the cold wood of the bench. Her eyes fluttered closed but it was a mistake. The moment she allowed herself to fall into a state of relaxation her heart rate began to increase and a sudden feeling of doom settled over her. There was no escaping her head. She had been pushing back the inevitable but she wasn't going to give in.

Xyra shook her hands out, bringing feeling to the numbness that was settling over her fingertips. Repeating to herself that she was fine. There was no danger around. She had captained ships before. But it backfired and all she could think about was how little she wanted to work. She had taken a break for a cycle after her trial but the whole time was spent worrying about what was waiting for her and to stop herself from worrying she spent the suns working on their hut. It wasn't exactly the ideal respite. The thought of endless suns at sea, navigating Nivealan politics, starting their own place and the fact that all of that meant her next several lengths would be spent without a break was making it hard to breathe.

She found herself pushing off the bench and sitting on the floor, literally trying to ground herself. The shortness of breath and the slow descent into panic was an indicator that her strategies had been worn thin. No matter what she tried, she could no longer postpone what was coming. So, she let it overtake her, she stopped fighting and let herself lose control.

Like usual, she couldn't keep track of time. Every second seemed like an hour but time was also whistling by. She curled in on herself and attempted to regulate her breathing but she was just taking shallow breaths. She shook her head and bit the inside of her cheek to try and find some release.

"Don't get scared," a voice came from above her, "I'm going to touch you now."

Her arms were pulled from around her knees and her hand was guided to someone's chest. Navi's chest. Slowly and with the magic that Navi's soothing tone worked on her, she felt her body come loose from the tension that was within her as Navi talked her through her panic. Slowly, everything went somewhat back to normal. Nothing was alright but for the moment, she was off the ledge. She didn't look over at the person who had helped her, instead she looked away as she finished catching her breath. Navi sat down on the floor next to her.

"Guess I should've expected you to be here, you did show it to me and it's not the first time we've run into each other," Navi said with a bit of a nudge on Xyra's shoulder.

Navi shifted around in absence of a response from Xyra and pulled her shoulder away. It's not that Xyra didn't want to say anything, it's that she couldn't. The words couldn't form in her mouth, she just needed some space. Navi understood that and it made Xyra angry at herself. Someone that knew her so well, that had loved her so much, she had pushed away. And yet, no matter how much she hurt Navi or how much she needed to stay away, she was still there helping her.

"You're supposed to be staying away," Xyra finally spoke up and looked straight ahead, looking at Navi in her periphery.

"Xyrabellis, always grateful. Never cold," Navi chuckled a bit.

"Navi, I'm serious," Xyra glanced over but just for a second, "you said that you cannot talk to me. And I'm sure Morgana would beat my ass for enabling you, even in her state."

"Consider this a parting gift from me to you, one last time of consoling you," Navi shrugged, "what caused this?"

"Nothing caused it."

"No one can say you don't have a hard head," Navi sighed, "you don't just freeze up out of nowhere, Xy. It happens when you're stressed and you bottle it in until something triggers you to panic."

The pang deep in her gut returned. The one that usually hit her when someone was facing her with her own behavior and habits. She hated being known that well, which was the reason she had begun ignoring Navi in the first place. Then, the discomfort from Navi's words gave way to guilt. Most people longed for someone to know them the way Navi knew Xyra and yet she had pushed her away for it. Xyra punished someone she loved for loving her.

"Nav, I will be fine," Xyra sighed and rubbed her face, "I got this one out of my system and I am equipped to keep a handle on things."

"Until your limit is reached again," Navi said, "it's something you need to face head-on, not keep pushing it aside so it can creep up on you."

"There is nothing to face," Xyra reiterated, "there is a stress that comes with an expansion of the fleet that cannot be addressed, it is just a fact. Once we are in Niveal and the first large journey with the fleet is over I will be less stressed. That is the only way to face it."

"You don't have to do what Theo asks, y'know?" Navi pointed out, "you and the word captain have never gotten along."

Xyra's head snapped over to Navi, "It's not about that."

"Maybe it's not the main reason you're stressed," Navi shrugged, "but given your reaction, it is part of it."

Xyra shook her head and turned away from Navi, trying to physically put a barrier between her and the conversation. She knew what the problem was and she was too embarrassed to admit it. It wasn't even captaining that was pushing her into freezing up, that was just the most recent catalyst. It was so simple. She was weaker than she ever thought she was. Theo had just been tortured and beaten half to death after being at the head of the call to fight The Center yet she was ready to jump back into pirating. Into expansion. Into making a larger name for themselves. Xyra wasn't ready.

"I need a break," she admitted, "that's why I froze up. I was thinking about all of the work we still have ahead of us before there is a time we can just stop and breathe."

"Then take one."

"I can't, Navi. You see how short we are on people that can run a ship. Not running the Galleon throws a giant wave at our plans."

"Blue can do it," Navi offered, "and you can relax."

"There is a reason that Theo didn't ask him before."

"Because she's trying to prove a point, no men in the highest positions of power," Navi shrugged, "admirable, but misguided. We need all the help we can get."

"This is not our officer's meeting. You made your points known there," Xyra smiled a bit and looked over.

"If you ask for a break, Theo will ask Blue. I know her, she trusts him and he will do a good job. And you will be less stressed if you're not captain."

"I am not talking about moving from Captain to First Mate. I mean leaving somewhere, going away from the crew."

"Then do it. Leave."

Xyra laughed.

Navi sat up and Xyra caught her eye, "I'm serious. Take time for yourself."

Xyra scoffed, "And do what? I rarely leave Theo or Cooker willingly. The ship is my home."

"You have so much money that you won't even tell me how much you have for fear that it would be used against me," Navi laughed, "you can go anywhere in the world. There are no limits. Where do you picture yourself being?"

"In Nefriti," Xyra replied, surprising herself with the ease in which it came out, "with my sisters and their children."

Xyra watched as Navi's expression softened, it wasn't pity but it was similar. Xyra's hand was taken into Navi's, "Then go home, Xy. You deserve it."

"I don't deserve it," Xyra shook her head and let the cold air seep into her lungs, "but it might be the best thing for the crew. I can't keep pushing through this. It will get worse and I will not jeopardize the crew or Theo"

"That's not the reason I think you should be doing this, but that is a battle you will have to fight alone," Navi stood up.

"What battle?

"The one to convince yourself that you deserve to love yourself," Navi said, "that freezing up isn't a flaw. It isn't something you need to shield other people from..."

Navi began to walk away but Xyra stood up and walked after her, taking her hand. Navi stopped and faced her old partner.

"I know I said it before but I am really sorry about it all."

Navi smiled a bit and held a hand up to Xyra's cheek, "I know you are..."

"Thank you for helping me," Xyra put her hand over Navi's, "this is not your burden to bear and yet you are always there, helping me."

"I told you, it's hard for me to stay away..." Navi chuckled a bit but there was no humor behind it, a serious statement. Her eyes met Xyra's and they were wide, staring at her with a softness that always spread warmth through her. She felt Navi lean in just a bit and she found herself doing the same. As if the air between them was being sucked up and they were gravitating towards each other.

Xyra stopped herself, knowing that any closer and they would both go in for a kiss.

"I am poison to you," Xyra whispered but didn't pull away, still close to Navi.

"You really are," Navi said with a light laugh and closed her eyes, pressing their foreheads together, "but you weren't always. Get your shit together, Xyrabellis. Take a break. Let yourself feel things."

Xyra felt the rush of air against her forehead as Navi pulled away. Their gazes were wrapped up in each other yet again and Xyra could see the slight pain underneath Navi's smiling expression.

"I'm going to go try and find an antidote," Navi joked as she stepped backward.

"Seems fair," Xyra couldn't help but smile, Navi's commands in the back of her head. Get better, get her shit together

Maybe she did need a break.