── ✧ winter 1923 
                                         ─── ✧ hyunjin pov

Almost a year ago, when we had made a pitstop in New York City, Jisung had found a store filled to bursting with musical instruments. The look in his eye when he saw that maple upright studio piano was the closest thing to good and pure adoration I'd ever seen. He bought it with his savings and carried it on his back all the way to Forks Prairie, Washington State.

Now it stood next to the staircase in the living room. Jisung, Chan and Changbin shared it — they were a budding musical trio. Sometimes they would play and the music would call the rest of us to gather.

Today they were working on a new composition. Seungmin was sitting on the stairs, head against the baluster. I was slouched over the sofa, and Jeongin was sitting next to me, quietly rubbing my back.

"Relax your hand, Changbin." Chan kneaded Changbin's fingers and put them back on the keys.

"Who's handling the pedals?" Jisung asked.

"I thought you were doing that." Changbin played a snippet of a song. "Is this relaxed enough?"

"That might be a bit too relaxed, bud."

Changbin sighed and shook his hands out. They all started playing again, arms getting tangled up as their fingers wandered the keys.

"It's beautiful, guys," Seungmin said.

"It's not finished," Jisung pouted. "We'll get back to you when it isn't garbage."

"Perfectionist," Jeongin muttered.

"That's a positive personality trait."

There was a strange sound from upstairs, shimmying and soot sprinkling. An ash-covered Felix flitted down the hall, stood at the top of the stairs. I expected him to admit that going through the chimney was a bad idea — or maybe preach what an amazing idea it had been all along — but he didn't say anything. His face was tight and anxious, and when Haseong came up next to him, his expression was the same.

Jisung's breath caught, looking up at them. Reading their minds. He only glanced in my direction for a second, and then turned back to the keys.

"Lix, what's happening?" Seungmin said, confused.

Haseong and Felix exchanged looks. Felix walked down the stairs, hesitantly, at a human pace, and sat on the sofa next to me. I straightened out, asked what was wrong.

"Haseong and I were practicing my foresight. I was in a psychically sensitive place, and..." He forced a smile. "You remember when you told me all about your family? Your sisters and your... grandmother?"

All I could do was nod.

"Your grandmother... she's going to pass away tonight. I'm so sorry, Hyunjin."

The shock hollowed me out. Jeongin wrapped his arms around my waist and hugged me tight. I couldn't feel him. Just numbness, faceless and removed, miles away and years in the past.

"When... when is she...?" It was a whisper, hoarse.

"Three twenty-three in the morning, seven hours from now."

Jeongin was still hugging me, face buried in my shoulder. He murmured a "sweetheart," and I realized he was crying.

"Hyunjin," Chan said, palming my ankle. I hadn't noticed him move to the coffee table next to me. "If you would like to talk to her, you can. We'll come with you."

I said okay. My eyes were still dry.

✧     ✦     ✧

With the money Jeongin and I had stolen, my family bought a pretty house in a residential area, surrounded by gardens, caressed by forest on almost every side. As we approached, I heard only four heartbeats inside. One was so weak I could barely make it out.

"I'll come with you," Haseong said. "You'll need a lookout so you can focus."

Jeongin squeezed my hand. "I'll be waiting for you."

I squeezed his hand back. Everybody gave me hugs and pats on the back, and then Haseong and I stepped over the fence, into the garden. Every inch of ground was smothered with snow. I followed the weak heart's call around the house, to a window. It was already open.

"Hyunjin." The voice, unlike the heart, was strong, passionate. "You made it."

Gramma was sitting in a rocking chair, watching the window. Her trembling arms were reaching out to me already.

"Gramma, it's freezing, why is the window open?" I climbed inside and held her hands between mine. She looked older than I remembered, so much more frail, and her blood was weak and slow.

"I knew you would come when I needed you. I'm going to go tonight."

I nodded. She didn't seem afraid to die, just excited to see me.

Her eyes slipped past me. "Is that your angel?"

"Gramma, this is Haseong," I said. "He's a friend."

Haseong closed the window and bowed to her. "It's cold out, ajumeoni. Would you like Hyunjin to help you to bed?"

Gramma shrugged. "It is rather chilly." She tried to get out of the rocking chair but stalled halfway to her feet. I gently lifted her up and set her down in bed.

"Do you need more blankets?" I asked, kneeling by her side.

"Ah who cares? Another blanket isn't going to change anything. I want to hear about you, bunny rabbit, it's been so long."

"Nothing... important is going on with me. I'm here to talk about you."

"But you're happy?"

I smiled for her. "Always. Now you. How do you know you're going to...?"

"I can feel it." She tapped her fingertips against her heart. "Here. I just know."

"Have you... said goodbye? To everyone?"

"Not in so many words. I didn't want to sadden them before I was gone. Hyunjung came over for lunch, and then Eunji and I made snow angels all afternoon." She smiled a proud smile. "I tell her stories about you. How you visited when we needed you most, a gift from God. She knows you as the angel you are, her lovely big brother."

I smiled, a real one. "Really?"

"Of course. I tell her you're up in heaven with Grandpa and your angel friends, and you're waiting for each and every one of us. I tell her, someday we'll be a family again."

The smile left. I cast my eyes down. "Gramma, if... if I'm not in heaven when you get there, you'll have to forgive me. I want to be there for you, but I think... I'm in a different heaven."

"Honey, heaven is heaven. My heaven is with my family. Whether you're there or not, you'll be there." She reached up tentatively to cup my cheek in her hand. "Don't worry, please don't worry."

"I can't help it. I think about you every day. I'm afraid of tomorrow, when you're gone and I think of you and I..." My voice leapt up my throat. The tears were inside me, boiling over. "I'm afraid of what I'll feel. I'm afraid I'll be so sad that I'll go numb and never feel anything ever again."

She laughed like we were talking about something simple, something finite. "I doubt the world will ever meet a Hwang Hyunjin who doesn't feel."

"I feel too much. It's easier not to feel at all."

"But if you never feel sadness, you'll never know once you're happy again either."

"What if I'm never happy again?"

"I wondered the same thing when you left us. But then I realized, I didn't want to look back and be sad that I'd been sad all that time. Years pass so quickly. I asked myself, 'what do I want to be doing in ten years? Who do I want to be in ten years?' I just wanted to be happy. Trust me, happiness always comes back, and it's always worth the wait."

I mulled it over, pinching at my own fingers. What did I want to be doing, what did I want to feel, in ten years time? Or a hundred? Who did I want to be holding when today was a distant memory?

"Gramma," I said, "you know I'm a homosexual, right?"

She giggled a bit. "Everybody knows that."

I laughed too.

"You and your angel," she mused. "I was so glad when I saw you'd found someone to love. Wherever you go, you draw love." She pinched my chin. "Like flowers draw butterflies. Oh oh! Did you see my rosebushes outside?"

"You have rosebushes?"

"Yes. Hyunjung was surprised too. I suppose you kids never saw me garden since we lived in that damned apartment. I've been pouring my prayer into those flowers, and they've endured the winter. I want you to pick a rose for the one you love."

"But... what if I love two people?"

"Then take two."

Tears welled in my eyes again. I ducked my head against her chest. She stroked my hair.

"I'm getting tired, Hyunjin," she murmured. "Why don't you go back to your angels?"

"No, I don't wanna leave you."

"I'm just going to sleep."

"You won't wake up."

She smiled so wide, her gums showed. "I'm going to give Grandpa the biggest, sloppiest kiss."

I smiled through the tears. "Ew, don't t-tell me that."

"Boy, look at me." I looked up into her eyes. "I never forgot you, Hyunjin. I wanted to tell you that. You've always been my little bunny rabbit, and you always will be."

"I love you so much."

"I love you too."

I clasped her hands between mine. She closed her eyes, fell into a peaceful sleep. She was smiling the whole time.

Tears were dripping from my chin. I didn't know what to do. I could have said so much more. I could have asked about her childhood or mine, the years I'd been gone, but now she was asleep, on her way to heaven without me.

"Hyunjin," Haseong said. I looked up at him, standing by the doorway. He put his arms up, inviting me over. I got up and ran into his hug, shrinking into him. I think it was the first time we'd hugged.

"Breathe," Haseong murmured. "You can breathe, Hyunjin. I... I'm sorry I've been cruel to you."

I could barely get the words out. "Please d-don't hate me an-anymore, p-please, I don't w-want you to hate me."

"I don't hate you, I just... didn't understand you."

"I wanna go." I didn't want to see her face again, I wanted to remember her awake, wrinkly eyes bright and open.

He herded me toward the window, an arm around my waist. We climbed out the window and made our way through the garden.

"Wait, stop." I kneeled, brushed my hands over the bushes. Roses were hidden under the snow, ice clinging to the deep red petals. I shucked the spikes off a stem, plucked it free, and did the same with a second. We continued into the forest, leaving the house behind.

When my brothers heard us, they came running. Chan reached me first, wrapped his arms around me, and then the rest piled on. The woods were quiet except for our choked breath and the snow settling in our hair.

"Thank you," I murmured. They let me go hesitantly. "I need a minute alone, please. Except Jeongin and Seungmin."

Jeongin's lips came open. Seungmin looked around as if he'd heard his name wrong. The rest left us without a word — Haseong gave me one last pat on the shoulder.

I held the roses out in my hands. "My gramma told me to give a rose to the one I love. But I took two. One for each of you."

Jeongin picked one up carefully and held it to his nose. Seungmin was staring at me, his eyes delicate like gossamer.

"You love me?"

"Of course I do. Do you...?"

He stepped toward me, held my hands between his, looking into my eyes. "I've been in love with you since the day I met you."

I laughed a little, a trembling breath. His hand came up to cradle my face, but we stalled, glancing at Jeongin. He just smiled, twirling his rose between his fingers.

"Go ahead."

I turned back to Seungmin and kissed him. His arms wound around my neck. I'd been waiting to kiss him for a decade. I could feel his lips on mine even after we pulled away.

"But" — I shook my head, dizzy — "what about you and Jeongin...?"

"I love him," Seungmin said, "but I love you too. I want both of you."

"Does that mean... can that mean something? Can we try it? Together? As three?"

Seungmin glanced over at Jeongin, reached out to him. Jeongin took his hand, linked their fingers together and stood close, leaning his head against my shoulder.

"I wanna try it," Jeongin murmured.

"So do I." Seungmin smiled at his feet. "How new-age. Never even considered it."

"What about, you know, monogamy?" I asked. "Do we do that? Is it even possible?"

"I, for one, don't want to share either of you," Jeongin said.

"Of course you don't," Seungmin and I said together.

Jeongin blushed. "I'm sorry I get so jealous. I'm a shitty boyfriend and a shitty friend."

"You're an immaculate boyfriend," I said. "You don't have a lot of willpower, but neither do I, so... I forgive you."

"I'm pretty sure I got the worst of it," Seungmin said.

Jeongin hugged him, held him close. "Please forgive me. I didn't know how to love you."

"You're bribing me with cuteness."

"Is it working?"

Seungmin hugged him back. It was so gentle, so natural — it made me love the way they loved each other. I felt anything but jealousy. This was exactly where I wanted to be in ten years, one hundred years. No amount of time would be enough.

I sniffled. For a second I'd forgotten that my heart was aching. Jeongin reached up and wiped the tears from my face. I fell into his arms. Seungmin hugged me from behind, holding me close between them.

"Heaven," I whispered.