Thia's POV
Jamie was quiet throughout the evening. He sat stock still leaning heavily back against me as our Pegasus clipped slowly along. It was dangerous to fly now, it would make ourselves too obvious, but it only slowed our travels. Still, we neared our destination relatively quick but we'd have to stop soon. The Pegasi were exhausted, and ours was slowly fading. I supposed carrying three people was far worse than one or two.
"You okay?" I asked, nudging Jamie slightly.
"It's cold," he whispered, his skin covered in little bumps.
"Can you see it? The mountains?" I asked.
"Yes," he nodded slowly. "There's lots of snow."
"Is that why you're cold?"
"He's cold, but he doesn't mind," Jamie assured.
"Do you?" I asked. His silence was followed by another shiver. Though I'd promised to save my energy and conserve my powers until necessary, I allowed one exception. I focused on warming myself allowing the heat to spread to Jamie. He relaxed with a sigh and his eyes slowly began to close.
In truth, I was rather tired myself. It felt like I could never get enough sleep. When the Pegasi up front stopped we were still a good ways behind them. Eventually, we joined the tired group with a satisfied snort from our Pegasus.
Luke was the first to depart and slowly collect a slumbering Jamie. He looked like a sack of potatoes. "Poor kid."
"He'll be okay," I assured, but I assumed Luke knew better than anyone how taxing the lord of time could be. Slipping from the Pegasus it gave a huff of relief and stretched very much like a dog. "Thanks, buddy. It isn't easy carrying all of us, I know."
Rubbing it's snout for a brief moment I let it tromp off to join its friends. Glancing over my shoulder I noticed Andy setting to work on a fire while Marianna cleared out some lingering brush. The last thing we needed was a forest fire.
"Time to find dinner," Mama sighed, walking stiffly with her bow. I was reminded how unaccustomed she was to riding long distances on the back of a horse-it was hysterical.
"Buddy system," Luke reminded, eyeing my mother with a parent's disapproval.
"Fine. Babe, come on. Daddy says we have to go together."
Luke stuck his tongue out at my mother who did the same in return. I wondered if they'd been like this as kids and if they'd gotten tamer with age or not.
"Don't forget to find something for the Pegasi!" Marianna reminded. Mama just gave a cheeky wave of the hand in acknowledgment.
"I'll find water," I decided. "Then we need to boil the heck out of it."
"Wow, language," Andy snorted. Passing him I planted a light kick to his rear sending him toppling into the mountain of sticks he'd set up for the fire. Marianna rolled over with laughter.
— — —
The wilderness was quiet except for the faint gurgling of a creek. Part of me wished my uncle was here because he'd find the stupid creek well before I would. Then I wished I had my aunt because once I found the creek I realized I didn't have anything to contain the water.
"My brain fell out fifteen miles ago," I sighed, chucking a rock into the water. Glancing about I hoped something would present itself as a container but I came up empty handed. "Be resourceful. What is there to use?"
After scrounging about for another ten minutes or so I stumbled upon a rather hollow log. The ends were both open but I managed to wedge a stone in the bottom. Then, conjuring a blade, I scraped out the inside until I had a gourd of sorts.
"Need this?" A rather cocky voice piped up.
"I'm good." Holding up my crappy creation I grinned sheepishly at Leah who held up an empty feed pail.
"You do know we can't burn a log over the fire to boil water, right? It's wood. It's just going to burn." The idea had not, in fact, occurred to me.
"Welp," tossing the log over my shoulder I held out a hand for the pail, "that's why I have you."
"How'd you survive on your own for two years?" Leah arched a brow, passing over the container.
"With the help of an ever present deity," the words sounded more bitter than I intended, "harping over everything."
"Is she always there?" Leah asked patiently.
"Yeah. Quiet, usually, but it's this feeling like I'm being observed at all times," I explained, shoving the pail into the flowing creek.
"I thought you liked Order."
"I do," I assured, "don't get me wrong. She's great, helpful, and she's given me quite an adventure filled life but-"
"But?"
"I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm not myself. I won't ever be." I half expected Leah to argue with that remark but she remained quiet with a pensive look upon her face. "And I know you won't say it but things are different between us. It just feels different. Not in a bad way, but...it's there."
"Thia-"
"I was gone for two years. It happened."
"It did," Leah nodded, "but if you're concerned that I don't care about you anymore-"
"No! It's not that!" I protested. Leah's brow furrowed in confusion as she sat beside me at the water's edge. The pail of water was momentarily forgotten. "I know you care about me. I don't doubt that at all. It's just that, I want you to stay with me every second of the day, but at the same time I...I don't."
"I don't understand," Leah shook her head.
"Leah, I don't want any of you here with me." Shifting my gaze I stared purposefully at the water. I didn't want to see her reaction to my words. "If something happened to you or my parents or our friends I'd never forgive myself. Kronos wants me. That's all. None of you should have been dragged into my mess to begin with."
"We're here because we want to help you," Leah insisted, taking my hand in her own, "and all of us know the dangers. You don't have to be alone in this. You were alone for two years and you may have shown me all you've endured, but I think there's still a lot you're holding onto because you don't know how to say what you're feeling."
Silence passed between us once more and I knew she was right. I felt so much that I couldn't seem to formulate into a coherent thought it was nearly suffocating. "I-I want to tell you how I'm feeling but I just don't know how. I hate it."
"I'm not sure how to help with that, but you need to try and communicate even the difficult things," Leah frowned, "because the more you hold onto the more it's going to hurt you."
"I know," I promised.
"I don't think you do. You're ruining yourself in all of this Thia," Leah looked away this time and her hand retreated. "Your mental state is extremely fragile and the rest of us are afraid for you. You don't see the things we notice about you. How you're taking all of this in stride to the point that it's almost terrifying. How you don't seem to react to things that would've made you upset years ago. You...you even talk to yourself and you don't realize it."
"I'm-I'm not crazy." My stomach twisted into knots. "I just-I don't like the silence. I can't stand it. It's loud."
"You always look like your eyes are set on something hundreds of miles away and you can't seem to find it. You're everywhere but here and I feel like maybe we're losing you," Leah whispered, playing anxiously with a flexible stick, "and you don't even know that you're going away."
"I'm in two places at once, Leah," my throat went tight with emotion, "I'm here and I'm wherever Order wants me to go."
"I don't want her to break you," Leah's voice sounded like a whimper. "She may be a good deity, a good ally, but she has her domain and your body as her vessel doesn't fit into that realm. You're a temporary necessity. Every time you suffer for other people she grows stronger. One day she'll forget about you."
A chill raced down my spine and the temperature seemed to drop. "I won't break. I can handle it. If I don't, then there's no hope, and there never was to begin with."
"That's the thing Thia," Leah glanced at me and I noticed the tears in her eyes, "I don't understand why it has to be you. What did you ever do to deserve this?"
"I cared a little too much for things that meant nothing at all," I swallowed. "Now I care for everything that means anything at all. And it's me because I can take it. If I had cancer I wouldn't be able to handle it. It's not the burden I was meant to carry. But this? This I can handle. I was made for this. It's the only reason my grandfather made me. I was supposed to do this from the start."
"Aren't your afraid?"
"Every time a shadow passes by, every time an animal scuttles on the floor, and every time I close my eyes," I admitted. Leah held my gaze intently. "But I'm never afraid with you. Not when I crossed the sea with you and Andy, or when I met your parents, or when I was alone for two years. I had you one way or another: beside me or in memory."
"You know you'll have to let me go," Leah noted. "Sila said you need to. It's the only way to tap into the power you need for the fight we're bound to have."
"Then, I suppose I'll have to be weak," I shrugged. A faint laugh fluttered from Leah's parched lips. "What is it?"
"I guess my burden is loving someone who doesn't realize they're dying," she smiled sadly and tossed the stick she'd been playing with into the water.
"Leah, I'm not going anywhere," I frowned.
"You're already gone," she shrugged, standing once more, "so it doesn't matter."
"Hey." Scrambling to my feet I caught her arm before she could leave. "What's going on? Why're you mad?"
"Because you've made up your mind that you're going to die. That you're already dead and this damn quest isn't even over yet. Why are you so scared of living?" She demanded, green eyes fierce.
"I have more to lose the longer I live because I find more things to love." The words tumbled from my mouth and I wasn't sure where they were coming from. "I don't want to have my heart broken over and over again. I've lost people I care about before and I was lucky to get them back. I won't be lucky every time and I'm not about to make the same mistake twice!"
"You won't, because as long as you're afraid you won't let yourself truly love anything," Leah shook her head in dismay. "I won't pretend this isn't hard for you, but whatever identity crisis you're having...you need to sort it out. You need to find some sort of peace."
"I won't be able to until this is over." Leah's expression turned softer and her arms wrapped gently about me. Despite being taller than her I felt rather small. "Thia, this battle, your job, is never going to end. It's an eternal fight. If you live by those words you'll never be happy."
She was right, but it didn't make our conversation any easier to grapple with. "If you're not happy...you don't have to stay with me. You can have anyone in the world-"
"Shut up," Leah's voice was stern and suddenly she was kissing me. When she pulled away I was surprised by the look of quiet anger on her face. "Don't you say goodbye to me. I've barely gotten the chance to say hello, again."
"That...uh," swallowing tightly I was rather aware of the warmth brightening my cheeks, "that was a n-nice hello."
Leah rolled her eyes, "would you like another one?"
"Very much, yes," I nodded. Once again I was reminded how gentle her lips were, like she was afraid of hurting me. I wondered if it had to do with her history with Tyler. She was more hesitant now than she used to be when her courage faded.
Settling my hands on either side of her face it seemed like the universe temporarily paused just for the two of us. Until, as usual, my mother had impeccable timing.
"I was told you were getting water not swapping spit," Mama snorted, swiftly pulling the pail from the creek.
"It's pay back for all the times you and mom shared cooties in front of me," I countered, earning an aggressive ruffle of the hair in response. "...thanks. Thanks for that."
"Welcome!"
"Sometimes I forget how similar you are to your parents," Leah mused, taking my hand.
"It's a gift and curse," I assured. "Come on, we should get back. I don't want anyone thinking we were up to something."
"Would you really be that embarrassed if they thought that?" Leah asked coyly.
"Stop. Don't look at me like that," I warned playfully, "that's not an innocent question and you know it. Besides, the wilderness? Would you want a splinter in your butt or something?"
"You have a way of making everything awkward," Leah sighed, shaking her head.
"It's a valid question."
"Just...shut up."