kate porter
- december 31, 2019 -

            SITTING IN THE PASSENGER SEAT, I sank lower in the seat. The sun crept slowly behind the landscape in front of us. I almost wanted to gag. In normal circumstances something like this was probably considered stunning. But right now, it was all too much. Choking me with its unreliable possibilities and false promise.

            How was I bursting at the seams like this? How could I just sit here with all these feelings bouncing around in my ribcage? Was I capable of drowning on dry land? I was about to choke on the words I wasn't saying out loud.

            He was in the middle of talking about her. That girl who was causing him so much pain and misery. I knew what I wanted to do would have repercussions. I was okay with those; with all the repercussions. I sat in that same chair and listened to him rant about her so many times before. How did I do it so many times before?

            If I spoke now there would be no going back for either of us. It would be out in the open and we'd have to deal with it. We'd have to discuss it when we'd both known for years now.

            Still, the words came tumbling from my lips before I could even stop to think about them first, "I can't do this anymore. I'm so exhausted.

            Looking at me, Caleb's mouth stayed open for a moment before he closed it again. Staring at me, he looked far too much like a blowfish for his own good. He went to speak again, but turned abruptly and stared out the windshield instead.

            That was just like him. Any type of anger or disappointment in your voice and he'd clam right up. He'd much rather sit in uncomfortable silence then have to be in a confrontation with anyone. Even if he was in the right. That was why his girlfriend walked all over him the way she did.

            "I'm sorry," his voice barely reached above a whisper, "I just don't know what I'm supposed to do and I thought... Well, I thought you might."

            "That's not what I meant. I can't—" I covered my face with my hands. My face burned. How was I supposed to even look at him right now?

            "I can't do this with you anymore."

            I couldn't tell if he was looking out the window still or if he turned his attention to me instead, but one thing I did know for sure was that I didn't have the courage to find out, "It's okay. I don't mind. You don't have to do anything, really."

            Throwing down my hands, I tried my hardest not to explode or, god forbid, start crying, "I know! I'm not helping you with her at all and I should me. I should be helping you with her. A good friend, they would be helping you and I can't! I can't because—"

            I heard the squeak in the leather seat before I saw him move in the corner of my eye. His black hair fell over the top of his glasses and his eyes looked lost. I hated when his eyes looked that way. It made me want to grab him. To hold him. Tell him everything would be fine. That everything would be okay. We would figure it all out.

            I'd never been one to run from a fight. I was the kind of person who punched first and punched hard, but at that moment I wanted to completely disappear. Grabbing the blanket, I pulled it up to my chin; letting it swallow up the rest of my body.

            "I can't help you because I'm in love with you. I can't help you with her because I don't want you with her. I want to be with you. And it's selfish and it's stupid and this is the last thing you need on your plate right now, but it's how I feel. And I think it's about time you knew."

            We sat in silence, listening to the cars pass on the highway behind us. The town of Kensington only had one main road and it went all the way from one end to the other. You'd think a place that also held a college campus would be much bigger than this, but it wasn't. We were a strange mixture of rednecks and city slickers.

            The sun had long since set behind the cover of trees and two-houses. The sky turned all purple and yellow. It reminded me of a bruise, but in a good way. As if bruises were ever good. I guess it all depended on how you got it. Whether it was worthwhile or not.

            I couldn't quite stand the silence anymore. If he wasn't going to break it, then I would, "I just couldn't do it anymore. How am I supposed to sit here and listen to you talk about another girl? But, not any girl, a girl that is breaking your heart. And, there's nothing I can do about it. I can't hug you and tell you it gets better. I can't put you back together if you don't give me the pieces."

            Sitting there, he stared at me. His eyes moved all around my face as if he was desperately searching for some kind of answer that couldn't be found. I didn't say anything else as I watched his dark eyes fill with water. But the worst part was that it was entirely my fault. I couldn't fix it. I couldn't fix this for him.

            My chest ached. I thought maybe there was some kind of hope with everything we'd been through. That he might feel the same way, but his expression was hard for me to read. It used to be so easy, like remembering the lyrics to my favorite song, but lately...

It's been like a blank slate.

"Damn it," he hit the steering wheel, making me jump. His hands covered his face and he used the palms of his hands to wipe away the tears that escaped down his cheeks. Keeping his eyes locked on the wheel in front of him, he took in a shaky breath, "You can't even begin to imagine how in love you I am. I have been for years."

We sat in silence. Lost within our own thoughts, "I don't want anyone to get hurt," he whispered into the dark as if he was talking to someone else entirely.

"Life fucks all in the end, Caleb. Might as well take the cigarette," my voice came out so even that it scared me a little, "and it's never gentle."

He breathed out a laugh, a smile settling on his lips; with all his perfectly white teeth, "Always the optimist, Katie."

Sighing, I leaned back against the seat, "I try."

A moment passed, "None of this gets back to Elisha."

A laugh ripped through me, but when I looked over and Caleb wasn't laughing, I stopped, "Wait..." My smile slipped into a frown, "You're being serious?"

"I'm extremely serious. I don't want Elisha to hear about any of this." He turned and looked me over, "And, out of the two of us, you're more likely to tell her than I am."

I took a deep breath. I could feel my cheeks flushing, but not for the same reason they had before, "She's my best friend, Caleb. You can't actually expect me to keep something like this from her."

"She also can't keep a secret to save her life," he snapped.

He wasn't serious. The success rate of me keeping a secret from Elisha was slim to none. I kept secrets and I was damn good at it, but this was Elisha we were talking about. She was my person. She knew every single skeleton in my closet. She knew the good, the bad, and the extremely ugly.

"Enough," I snapped. Sitting up, I turned my back to the door, ready for a fight, "This is part of my life just as much as it is yours. You can't control everything. And you especially can't control me, okay? Elisha's a good person, the best person I've ever met. And if I want to tell her something, by God, I'm going to."

"Katie, I have a girlfriend."

"Really? Funny, could have fooled me," my hands ran through my short bob of a haircut, "She doesn't even make you happy! You're miserable, Caleb and it's killing me. You don't deserve to be treated the way she's treating you. You're not a slave or a doormat. I don't understand why you can't see that."

"I love her," he whispered to the steering wheel.

"Do you?" I placed my hands in my lap, "Do you actually love her or is it just convenient?"

He snapped towards me, pushing up his glasses, "How could you possibly say that?"

"Because I can see the way you look at her and that's not the way loves supposed to look."

The hurt expression on his face turned cold, "You're not exactly an expert on the subject, are you?"

My jaw dropped open and I could stop the laugh from ripping through me, "Excuse me? What did you just say?"

"I said you're not exactly an expert when it comes to romance and love. You're talking to a new guy like every month."

Laughing, I covered my mouth with my hands. That was all just too good. Seconds ago, we were saying we love each other and now it was all falling to pieces. For once, I'd like to touch something and it not shatter.

He wasn't wrong. I'd gone through my fair share of men, but I didn't love them. I didn't lay awake thinking of them. I didn't talk to them about the things that ran through my mind. None of them were worth the time or the effort. I wasn't willing to stick up and fight for any of them.

"Okay," I stared out at the scenery in front of us that looked more like dark blobs now than anything else. "Yeah. Whatever."

This was the moment I was supposed to get out of the car. That was where I started walking back home, but I didn't. Not only was it dark at the end of December, but it was barely above freezing. There was absolutely no way I was going to walk across town in weather like that. I never got out of the car because of a fight.

"It's late," I turned to him and forced a smile. This couldn't get weird. I wouldn't let this get weird; not with him, "We should head back. You've got that early shift tomorrow and I can barely keep my eyes open at this point."

Caleb shook his head and rubbed the bridge of his nose, "I know you're lying, but I'm going to respect that. I think it's a good idea that we both get some sleep and you have so very few of those."

Laughing, I shook my head, blonde curls bouncing everywhere, "Oh, and you have so many."

We hadn't even begun our drive back to the apartment complex when Caleb jumped in his seat. Driving with one hand, he dug in his pocket and pulled out his phone. He looked at the screen and winced.

MELISSA

He tossed the phone to me and nodded. My eyes widened. If it was up to me, I'd just chuck the damn thing out the window, but soon thought better of it. Answering the phone, I pressed the speaker button and held it close to him.

"Hey babe," he scrunched his nose, "what's up?"

There was nothing but static on the other end and no one answered, "Are you okay?" He asked, his eyes bouncing from the phone back to the road.

The reply came in a high-pitched squeak, "Yeah."

"Hey, what's wrong?"

"I'm okay."

Caleb sighed, "Lonely?"

"A little."

"Well, I'm on my way back now. So, I'll see you really soon, okay?"

"Okay."

"Okay, I love you."

"Love you, bye."

He breathed out a long breath, "Bye."

I pulled the phone back and ended the call. I bit the inside of my cheek hard. Holding his phone in my hands, I simply stared down at the blank screen. I couldn't have heard the same phone call he did, right? Or maybe it was only because I could actually see his face.

Tipping back my head, I howled with laughter. I couldn't help it. That was absolutely ridiculous. Water spilled from the corners of my eyes, but no matter how much of it I wiped away, I couldn't keep the laughter down. I tried to bury it in my hands, but it only bubbled up my throat more.

"You can't be serious," I spoke between breaths, "that was brutal."

Caleb chuckled, "Shut up, it was not."

"I'd rather a semi-truck hit me than listen to that phone call again." He rolled his eyes and pulled into the parking lot of Partnered Apartments. The buildings were nothing to be marbled at. Painted dull grey in color, dark blue trim was nailed around every piece of wood. The doors blended into the background seamlessly, but I had a feeling that was supposed to be the point.

Pausing for only a second outside Unit A, Caleb continued around the back to Units F and G. He pulled into the parking space and froze. Smiling, I pulled my purse over my shoulder and turned to look at him. Something seemed off, but I couldn't quite tell what it might have been.

"Thanks for everything. It's been a real slice." I sent him a salute, knowing full well he'd never understand the Hercules reference. He never understood the references I threw his way unless it was from his beloved Star Trek. I mean, we couldn't all be perfect though now, could we?

I crawled out of his car and out of its warmth. My hand lingered on the door longer than necessary before I went to close it. I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw his hand fly up, "Wait."

Something in my stomach knotted, "Yeah?"

"I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Of course," I smiled, "I'll see you tomorrow, Loser."

A large, goofy grin spread across his face as I shut the door. Twisting on my heels, I took a deep breath and hugged myself. I was ready for this cold front to move along already. My soul already felt cold enough, I didn't need any help from the outside world too.

When I stepped inside my apartment, I was hit with a blast of hot hair. I did my best not to slam the door when I closed it; however, it didn't work all that well. I took one step and crumbled to the floor. Tears fell from my eyes before I could stop them.

My phone buzzed and I threw it at the couch, "Idiot."