januarie robinson
- april 17, 2019 -

"I AM NOT AWAKE ENOUGH for this," I whispered into my thermos, wishing it would give me the strength I needed. Fog filtered across my brain, wrapping its fingers around every single cell. My eyes fluttered closed for what I thought was only a second, until my chin dropped from my palm and my eyes snapped open again.

"You can't let me do that," I yawned.

"It was only a second," Lucas clarified. He checked his watch, he shook his head, and stood, "Come on, let's get this place ready for the party."

Setting down my cup, I dragged myself from my spot and twisted to face him, "You mean, I'll get the place ready." I teased, leaving before he could replay.

He was quick to follow after me, coffee in hand, "Hey, I've got stuff to do too, you know."

I laughed, rounding the corner, but still turned to look at the doorway. Lucas grabbed the jam and leaned forward, "Oh, do you now?"

"How?" He laughed, "How can you possibly be sarcastic this early in the morning?"

"Call it a superpower," I shrugged. "A trait of the Robinson family; you adapt or you die." Smiling, I looked down for a moment and let it falter for only a moment before I forced it back in its rightful place.

            "You're ridiculous."

            "Will you just get out of here?" I laughed, "You're distracting me from my much-needed work. If I don't start, there won't be popcorn and that just might be the end of it." I spoke, dramatically throwing my arm over my forehead with a sigh.

            "The end of what, exactly?" He asked, trying to hide the dimples forming in his cheeks. That's what I had been working towards. A real, full smile.

            "Life as we know it." I quoted from the movie, P.S. I Love You. He rolled his eyes and moved back. I stood silent for a moment, just to listen to his feet climb the stairs to projection.

            I busied myself quickly, trying to get the place ready for the private party. Things had taken an unexpected turn this morning when not a single family member answered their phones. I had almost half a mind to stop by my mom's house and check on her, or at least by the shop.

            I was missing our weekly breakfast. Normally, I wasn't at work this early in the morning and could make the feast over at Blue Goose Diner, but when someone scheduled a last-minute party and all my co-workers were either out of town or in school, I got stuck working. The Robinson family was always known for their communication, but today was just an off day for us.

            Chewing on my bottom lip, I tried not to think about it. I flipped the popcorn heat off when it started to pop. I turned on the soda machines one by one and slipped my keys back in my pocket for safe keeping. Rounding the side of the bar, I paused at the sound of Lucas coming back down the stairs.

            He appeared in the doorway, a panicked look across his face, "Have you unlocked the doors yet?"

            "I was just about to," I pointed over my shoulder.

            "Actually," Lucas moved towards the bar, "can you get all the birthday items from the office. The tubs and cups. I also need you to set up the read above theatre four. It needs to say 'welcome home'."

            "Sure." I saluted and walked past him. An itch settled in the back of my mind and I wanted to turn around or glance over my shoulder, but I told myself not to. That I should just keep walking. I plopped down in the office chair and put 'welcome home' on the reader.

            "Januarie," Lucas' voice came from the front, "can I get your help out here?"

            I sighed and put down my cup before I could even take a drink. I trudged from the chair and as I walked towards the lobby, I called out to him, "How could you possibly already need my help? I just sat down."

            I laughed. Stepping through the door, I looked up and locked eyes with a man standing in front of the bar in full Marine uniform. I squeaked and stepped into the back. My legs turned to Jell-O, giving out from underneath me and I tumbled onto the stairs. I couldn't get control of my racing heart. It slammed against my rib cage. It was Josiah; in the flesh.

            "Come on, Red. Don't leave your best man out here in the cold." That was his voice. The only thing I've had of him while he was away; his voice. Tears slipped down my cheeks, but I still had to grab the handrail and use it for support. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and stepped into the lobby.

            I wanted to speak, but for once, I couldn't find the right words to say; or any words for that matter. It was as if an invisible rock had been placed on my chest, slowly cutting my air supply. Racing around the bar, I flung myself at him. Not the most lady-like thing to do, but I didn't really care about that at the moment.

            He was quick to catch me, even with a bouquet of sunflowers in hand. My favorite. All I could think about was that scene from Dear John when he's coming home from war and Savannah runs through the airport and jumps on him.

            My arms snaked around him and I hid my face in the crook of his neck. I didn't want to cry in front of everyone; not that everyone in this building hasn't seen me cry at one point or another, "I don't believe this."

            "Believe it, Kid."

            Leaning back, I took his face into my hands and looked him in the eyes. Mesmerizing every single feature of his face for when he left again. He'd gotten older, his face more mature than it was years ago, "How are you even here right now?"

            He sent me one of his debonair smiles, "I told those assholes if they wanted me for another three years that badly then I needed at least a week off to come back and see my little sis."

            Josiah put me back on the ground and pushed the sunflowers into my hands. I took a long whiff, letting my insides melt. Was it possible to hold an entire season in your hands? Imagine holding all of spring in front of you.

            But how could he know I was here? I didn't get the chance to tell anyone why I hadn't made it to breakfast.

            "You!" I twisted in my spot and pointed at Lucas with the flowers, "You knew about this didn't you?"

            He held his hands up in surrender before he even started talking, "All I did was make sure you were here."

            The smile on my face widened and I mouthed a silent thank you. His reply was a simple twitch of the lips and a shrug. Whether or not Lucas found this a big deal, I would probably never know. However, on my end it was an extremely big deal.

            Turning back to Josiah, I pulled him into another hug, "I'm just so glad you're here."

            "You're never getting rid of me. No matter what Josh says about it."

THAT NIGHT WE ALL SQUEEZED ourselves into mom's quaint kitchen, around a table big enough to fit six people max, but we made it work with all twelve of us; one mom, ten kids and one niece. To this day, I couldn't tell you how we all managed to eat at the table growing up. Still, we somehow crammed ourselves next to one another.

            Josh jumped up at the sound of the beeping over, his chair making a horrid scraping noise as it went. Mom covered her ears quickly and we all groaned, calling out after him. He grabbed the oven mits and slipped them over his lanky fingers, "I'm sorry, would any of you like to get up and make sure dinner doesn't burn?"

            We all fell silent and Josh huffed, shaking his head, "That's what I thought."

            And, although Josh lived in his own house entirely, he was more often than not sitting at this table in this very kitchen, cooking dinner for Josie, Jordyn and Mom. When he moved out, he bought the house right next door if you can believe that. He's always been the caretaker, ever since dad died and then again after Mark left.

            With the playing cards in my hands, I shuffled the deck, the cards fluttering in a perfect bridge, "You really shouldn't have spent that kind of money just to surprise me, Mom."

            Mom barely looked my way, but waved me off as she grabbed the Phase 10 cards I dealt out, "It's fine, Honey."

            "Mom," I said above all the side conversations, bringing them to a full stop. I picked up my cards and started to put them in the order I needed them, "Those parties are kind of expensive. As great as it was, it was too much."

            "Januarie," she sighed, holding her cards close to her chest, "I said, it's alright."

            "Mom, you didn't tell her?" Jessica's mouth dropped open.

            "No, I didn't. Because it's not a big deal, Jessica. It was a nice thing to do and I'm not going to sit here and look a gift horse in the mouth. Neither should any of you." She sent Jessing a look that clearly told her to drop it before she turned to Josiah and smiled, "You're first, Dear."

            Josh leaned over his chair and scooped up his cards, "A place like that. I'm sure they can afford it."

            My eyes darted around the table. Everyone looked at Mom as if she'd grown another head. Did they all know what she was refusing to tell me? I put my cards down and turned to her, "Okay, what's not a big deal?"

            Jacob sighed, picking a card from the stack, "That Lucas guy. He donated it all. It was completely free to us. Mom didn't pay a cent."

            I whipped my head towards him so fast I'm surprised it didn't actually pop. He laid down a blue number two and nudged Jolene as if it was nothing, "Is that true?"

            Jacob's lips turned up and he laughed. Leaning on the table and spoke around Jolene, tossing a Cheeto in his brother's direction, "As true as James' supposed girlfriend."

            "Really?" James squished into Jolene's side and glared over at Jacob, "Damn it, she fucking real."

            Jolene pushed both men away from her, laughing the whole time, "I mean, I've never seen her."

            James scuffed, "Shut up, Jolene. What do you know?"

            Jolene's grin turned mischievous and she turned to me, wiggling her eyebrows, "I know that Lucas guy couldn't take his eyes off Januarie the entire time we were there. What's up with all of that?"

            "We're friends," I clarified.

            Jezebel snorted from the other side of mom, "Heaven help him if that's how he looks at his friends. Just be careful there, Red. Looks like that is how I got Valerie here." She rubbed the top of her daughter's head, ruffling the once perfect hair.

            My nose scrunched. It's not that I hadn't thought about him in that way, but I wasn't going to let my family know that. Plus, this wasn't even me we were talking about, "He was not looking at me like that."

            I backhanded Josiah's arm to get his attention. If anyone was ever on my side it was him, "Josiah, back me up here."

            He laughed, barely looking down at me, "No can do, Red. There was definitely something going on there."

            Clenching my jaw, I shook my head, "There was not."

            "I have to agree with everyone else," Josie spoke up next to Josh with that high pitched, innocent voice of hers, "kind of looked like he wanted to jump your bones a little bit there."

            Next to her, Jordyn busted up laughing and covered her nose before she started to snort, "And what exactly would you know about jumping bones, Kat?"

            Josie glared over at her twin, "The same as you, Jordyn."

            My brow twitched, "Can we just continue our game and agree to disagree?"

            Mom smiled at me with that smile that she used when she was about to be wise and give some kind of sage-like advice. The one that told you she'd seen a thing or two in her lifetime, "A thousand Frenchmen can't be wrong, Sweety. But remember, you can't help who your heart falls for."

JOSIAH PULLED ME FROM JACOB'S pick-up truck and made sure both my feet were on solid ground before we started our journey up the stairs and to the front door of my apartment over the bookstore. We reached the door, but I stopped him before he could try to open it. Shaking my head, I began to rummage through my purse.

            "Locked." Was about all I could mumble without triggering another explosion of giggles, but when I came across an old doodle on a crinkled receipt, I laughed anyways. It was this stupid little scribble of something Estella had said about Jasmine at work.

            Josiah shook my purse to get my attention. Slipping from his grasp, I tried my best to stand back up straight, "Red, I need the key... Focus."

            "Righto, Sir." Digging through the depths of my purse, I stumbled forward and into the door. Barking exploded from the other side of the door and I giggled. Josiah swore, grabbing onto my arm and mumbling to himself. The door swung open quickly, a red-faced Nora standing in the way with her Rottweiler, Bruce next to her leg.

            "I was wondering what all that racket was coming from. I should have known it was trouble," she laughed.

            "Nora," Josiah nodded, scooping me up into his arms and carrying me through the door.

            "Josiah," she returned the nod and raised a brow. "What got her this time?"

            He smiled and shook his head, "Believe it or not; James and whiskey. A lot of whiskey."

            She coughed and wrinkled her nose at the smell of alcohol, "Trust me, I more than believe it."

            Slipping down from Josiah's arms, I rubbed my heavy eyes, "I'm going to sleep now."

            I yawned and walked to my room. Flopping down on the bed, I barely moved in order to take off both my shoes and glasses. My head spun like a tilt-a-whirl every time I closed my eyes. I was apparently going to have to just stare at the ceiling for a while.

            Grabbed my phone, I rolled it over in my hands. I hadn't even bothered to turn on the bedside lamp. I was encased in complete darkness except for the occasional light from my phone when it recognized my face.

            I had to close one eye just to see the screen clearly. At this very moment, I needed to speak with Cole. Ask if he thought the void was actually all knowing or if it was simply a wise tale in which people choose to believe.

            I went straight for my favorites, but when my eye came across another name, I clicked on that one instead. A much more important conversation needed to take place before I could talk to Cole about all of space and time.

            "Januarie?" The voice came muffled through the phone, littered with sleep, "Is everything alright? It's almost 1 o'clock in the morning."

            "I know," I paused for a deep yawn, "what you did this morning, Mr. Hill. It was nice. That thing that you did. And you didn't have to do that at all. You're a fucking nice guy, you know that. A very nice man."

            "Um... Thank you?" There was a pause and I could feel myself start to nod off before his voice rang in my ear once again. He sounded much more awake now than he had before, "Are you home? You didn't drive, did you?"

            "Home! Yes." I wiggled into my bed more, the cotton soft against my cheeks. Have my pillows always been this soft? I hummed, "Are your pillows soft? Mine are really soft. Everyone should have pillows like this."

            "I would say collectively my pillows are on the softer side, yes."

            "Good... That's good."

            "I'm guessing you had a good rest of your day?"

            I hummed, my eyes drifting closed, "Very good day." My voice came out so quiet, I could barely hear myself, "We could have paid. You didn't have to do that."

            "That's what this is about." There was clarity in his voice, "Don't worry about it. It wasn't a big deal. That's what we do." I tried to mumble out a response, but it just sounded like plain old gibberish.

            "You should really drink some water and get some sleep." There was a long pause and I could feel sleep curling its arms around me, my head no longer spinning like it had been, "Goodnight."

            I barely hummed back, "Okay, night. Love you."