januarie robinson
- may 31, 2019 -

            LUCAS AND I HAD BARELY spoken a word to each other since Josiah's surprise visit two weeks ago and I wasn't entirely sure why. Every time I went to speak with him or he'd even look in my direction an unreadable expression passed over his face and he'd look away. It was breaking me a little. I couldn't seem to focus on anything. Half the time I asked customers the same question at least twice, earning me worried glances from almost everyone.

            Punching out for my fifteen-minute break, I dropped fifty cents under the register and poured myself a much-needed soda. I grabbed my drink and was about to head to the breakroom, but something inside me snapped. Apparently, it was going to be up to me to start the icebreaker conversation. I didn't even think Lucas and I would have ice to break anymore with how long I'd been there.

            I pulled my keys from my pocket, unlocked the door, but still knocked before I entered. Lucas glanced up for only a second and went straight back to his computer. His hand lingered over the mouse, but didn't make any intentions of moving. I closed the door behind me and sat on the desk behind him.

            "I'm on my break and was really hoping I could talk to you about something."

            "Yeah, sure," he nodded. My eyes caught sight of some kind of logo before he pulled up a different document to cover it, "Go ahead."

            "Well, up to this point, I never really gave college much thought," I admitted. With my soda in hand, I let my legs dangle over the side of the desk, "Why waste thousands of dollars on higher education when I had no clue what I wanted to do with the rest of my life."

            Lucas clicked out of all the documents and turned in his chair. He leaned back in the seat to try and get comfortable, but his eyes never stayed on me for very long, "That's smart. Save all the money you can and if you figure it out, you'll have the money. If you don't, you'll still have a savings at least."

            I smiled, there was the normal aura we had, "Exactly. But then I started here." I looked at the ground, suddenly embarrassed at my own words. I had to put my drink on the desk. With the sweat on my palms and the condensation from the cup, I was afraid it might just slip from my grasp, "And I thought, maybe a business degree. What do you think? Do you think I'd be good at that?"

            "I think that's a great idea. If that's what you want." That caught my attention and I forced myself to look up at him. If it was what I wanted... I could feel and hear my heart beating everywhere. In my fingers and toes. It was almost overwhelming.

            His features turned soft, "I think you'd be incredible in HR. You're so friendly and caring. And, great with people."

            He cleared his throat and then it was his turn to look at the floor between us, "You have so much potential. So much life still ahead of you. You don't want to end up like George and I if you can help it."

            An ache settled in my chest. If only he knew how incredible I thought he was. I would be more than happy to have a life like his. I was just happy that my life got even the smallest of glimpses into his. I felt honored to have simply met him. Even if it all ended horribly. My life was better because of it all.

            I couldn't stop the words from tumbling from my lips, "Would that really be so bad?"

            His eyes slowly rose from the floor back up to my face. They lingered over every freckle as if he was counting them or connecting them into complicated constellations. My whole body ignited. It was like he saw straight through me and into my hidden self. He shook his head, his voice barely a whisper and I almost missed it, "Don't say that."

            He dared to glance at the door before moving his chair directly in front of me. I could feel his body heat. I had to tilt my head down a little in order to look him in the eyes. In this light they almost looked green, but I knew that at any minute they could look brown, "Don't sell yourself short. Don't think that this place is the best you can do. Because that's a lie. You could leave here and have a better job by the end of the week."

            My gaze bounced around his face before they dropped to his lips. Moving them back up, I leaned down a little and whispered, "What if I don't want one? What happens then?"

            We stared at each other for what seemed like a long time, as if we were both weighing out our options. He stood, stepping in between my legs and his hand lifted my chin. My breath caught somewhere in my throat. My heart was beating so fast I thought it might just give out.

            "Did you mean what you said on the phone? I've been racking my brain for weeks trying to figure it out. And—" He searched my eyes. I could tell he was looking for something. I just didn't know what it could be he was looking for exactly, "And, I need to know."

            I stuttered out the beginning of multiple responses, but with his hand on my jaw it was hard to think about anything at all. Thank god, I was already sitting down because I'm pretty positive my legs would have given out on me otherwise, "I don't—I don't know what you're talking about, but probably. I normally do mean the things I say."

            I cursed at myself for wavering towards the end. How could I not? We'd been close before, but this was completely different. His lips tilted up on one side, his dimple appearing and sending an entirely new set of emotions rushing through me. I'd never realized how much I like his dimples.

            His hand moved up to my cheek and he leaned in towards me. A jingle of keys broke our attention on one another. Lucas sat down quickly and rolled back to the other side of the office. He swiveled to the computer, but the door swung open when he was in the middle of the movement. I jumped from the desk and grabbed my drink.

            Nick held the knob tight in his palm. His eyes automatically found a slightly flustered Lucas and he furrowed his brows. Slowly his gaze swept across the room to where I stood wide eyed.

            He opened his mouth to speak, but I beat him to the punch, "Thanks for the advice. I'll definitely keep that in mind. HR sounds like a solid career path." Nick and I shared a quick nod when I slipped passed.

            Before the door could close, I watched Nick cross his arms over his chest and shake his head, "Dude, you are playing with—" The conversation cut off from the reset of the outside world with the shutting of the door.

            Grabbing my collar, I pulled it away from my neck and tried to let some of the hot air out. My brain was still trying to convince myself that all of that actually happened. It wasn't some kind of scenario my imagination made up on its own. But I was still absolutely dumb founded. What on earth did I say on the phone?

            I plopped down in one of the breakroom chairs across from Cole and Persephone.

            "Hey, are you okay?" Cole asked, sharing a glance with Persephone in the chair next to him. I nodded, opening my locker behind me. I pulled out a book and went straight to reading. My eyes scanned the page, bouncing from letter to letter, but nothing seemed to be seeping in. I didn't even take the time to move the bookmark when I turned the page.

            My leg shook uncontrollably beneath the fold out table. This book wasn't taking my mind off anything at the moment. All it did was allow me not to talk or make eye contact with anyone. I slammed my book shut and dropped it on the counter. Cole and Persephone jumped at the sound, but didn't say a word.

            I shoved my phone in my back pocket and turned to leave the room entirely, but when I looked up the office door creaked open and Lucas stepped out. We both locked eyes with one another. I mumbled a never mind under my breath and sat back down as quickly as I had stood to leave.

            "So, how are you guys?" I asked, pulling out my phone and shooting off two different text messages. One to a family group chat simply stating that I might have been wrong and another to Lucas asking if we were going to talk about what happened in the office.

            That was the thing to do in situations like these; communication was key. That's what my mom always said. You have to talk about things, even if it's painful. If you don't, they just fester into this awkward corroding thing that may just snap if you touch it. But I had a feeling that if Lucas hadn't been avoiding me before, he most definitely was now.

            "How are we?" Persephone knitted her brows together, "How are you? You've been a little off all day today."

            "Oh yeah," I waved them off, "Elena had a doctor's appointment today is all. It always makes me a little bit of a wreck, but my friend Victoria is with her and she was supposed to be updating me. But she hasn't texted yet."