((CW: mature themes and mentions of eating disorder))

XS~ Rina Sawayama

(Monday, 4.30pm~ Arata's house)

"Josie? Shimozuru?"

No one's home.

Josie's got an after-school thing today, was it gymnastics? I can't remember-it's not important, they'll be home in a bit.

I need to hurry up.

God, I'm sweating.

You'd think I'd be able to control this by now. No.
I remember, it used to be a ritual to me, it was everyday. Yet no one noticed.
Well, I didn't want them to know of course.

I hung my satchel over the bannister, debating yet again, if I should do this.
Fuck.
I need to.
'The wedding-Everyone will be there, everyone will see me. I can't slip up now. Besides, those guys-I just know they were looking at me; and of course Vivi invited me out to lunch-I was just being polite but-ugh too much, too much, the look on her face...

I tie my hair back out of habit, it sticks out in a weird little ponytail and I ended up furiously pinning back all those stupid wispy locks-'why did I cut my hair again?'
I took one last look at myself in the mirror; prodding my cheeks in an effort to make them look smaller.

'Better get this over and done with.'

I straightened up-wiping my mouth with some tissue and flushing the toilet. I looked into the mirror again, turning from side to side before nodding, my voice still shaky even though I tried to hide it. "T-there you go. You look...much better Afuro." I smiled half-heartedly before taking in a breath and pointing to my mirrored form "And this was just...just for today okay? Just this once. Only because you were a..pig..at lunch and those guys kept looking at you, because you'd gotten fat, but...that was just today and no one needs to know about it, no one."

I always have to give myself a pep-talk afterwards. I lowered my voice, even though there was nobody around "There's nothing wrong with you Afuro. There's nothing wro-everything is fine. You've faced this alone before you can do it now too, you don't need any help, you don't need to tell Shirou-"

Shirou...

'You didn't face it alone, without him you'd be...'

I don't know what I would've done if it wasn't for him...

(Tokyo University of the Arts, some years ago...)

"So, are you gonna come?"
Afuro looked up from his work to see his friend smiling softly down at him.
"What?" He hadn't been paying attention, too busy trying to figure out just exactly what was wrong with his painting. Fubuki just chuckled, crouching down next to the other. "I was asking if you wanted to go out tonight. Me, Lucile from my composition class, Katayama, Yoshihara, oh Matoro said she might bring Sorano too-"
"Yoshihara? Yoshihara Kaoru?"
"You know them?" Fubuki asked, rolling a orange watercolour pencil across his friend's desk.

Afuro tucked a lock of blonde hair behind his ear. "Yeah...they're in one of my fine art classes."
Shirou nodded, but couldn't help but notice the slight pink tone his friend was poorly hiding. It wasn't his place to pry really, after all Afuro had only just recently ended a year-long relationship with Mutou- he probably wasn't up for dating again just yet. Instead, Fubuki turned his attention to a pile of paintings and sketches sticking out of his friend's waste paper bin. He picked one out, a vibrant painting of a fruit bowl and some plants. "These are really good Afuro! Why are they in the bin?"
The other didn't even look up from his work. "Heh, that's not what my teacher thought. Most people just end up throwing their assignments away, there's nothing else to do with them. And we have to spend so much on the paint too- it's ridiculous! It's not as though we aren't already struggling students!" He exclaimed. He really thought that he would enjoy the fine art side of his degree, but only a year into it he was already starting to regret his choice.

He brushed the thought aside, not wanting to stress himself out more than necessary. "It seems it's just not my forte, either that or the teachers hate me. Oh well, it's only a minor anyway, at least Photography's going well-that's the one I actually care about."
Fubuki smiled "Well that's good. Hey, do you think I could have some of these? I wanna stick them up in my room!"
"Knock yourself out." He finally looked up from his painting-the more he stared at it the worse it was becoming. "You know what? Fuck it, I'll come tonight, but only if you do me a favour."

The other gathered up his small pile of Afuro's artwork in his hands. "Sure, like what?"
Afuro leaned back in his chair, a soft smile on his face. "Model for me." He said simply. "I have a project due for photography soon and Hepai pulled out last minute." He thought the other would turn him down, but Fubuki was overjoyed at the prospect. "I thought you'd never ask!"
•
"Yeah, just like that...perfect." Afuro stood above his friend, a very awkward angle to get the best light- bent over the other with his feet spread on either side of the other's waist. His back was already starting to hurt.
"What was Kaoru talking to you about last night?" Fubuki asked as the camera shutter clicked again.
"Huh?" Afuro answered, taking a step back to examine the photo he just took.
"You two were talking for a while."
Afuro scoffed, deleting the picture and re-positioning himself again. "Oh that. They wanted to ask if I'd model for them for a painting, apparently they're not supposed to use the class life model."

Fubuki pouted "Aw, why didn't they ask me?"
The blonde moved a section of lace before standing up straight, contemplating the scene for a moment. "They said I had a fascinating look- whether that means."
"Ah...I suppose." Fubuki conceded before smiling up at the other "Hey, well it'll be fun for you won't it!"
The blonde sighed, he wasn't so sure about that. He'd never been shy in front of a camera and used to love taking pictures of himself, but lately something had changed...
•
Fubuki was running late for lunch, he always blamed it on the fact that the music department was on the other side of campus, but that didn't change the fact that Afuro was impatiently waiting (having already ordered his meal), when who should appear but Yoshihara Kaoru.
"Fancy seeing you here Afuro, did you have a think about what I said?"
The blonde had planned to turn them down, make up some sort of an excuse "Sorry Demete wants my help with an assignment, I'm so busy with work right now." But as soon as his eyes met with those soft grey ones he could not bring himself to utter a No.

"So, so sorry I'm late Afuro!" Fubuki's voice was a welcome relief to the blonde. "Oh Kaoru, you staying?"
Kaoru just shook their head "I was just catching up with Afuro."
A waiter walked over, placing Afuro's order down as Fubuki eyed it hungrily. "Tonkatsu ramen and a Mont Blanc. Enjoy."
"That looks delicious, I'll have to order one too! Ooh and a dorayaki, or should I get honey toast? What do you think Kaoru?" He asked his flatmate, they just laughed, a pleasing, delicate sound to Afuro's ear. "You've got such a sweet tooth Shirou. I could never eat all that, Nevermind a big bowl of ramen on top!"

"What can I say?" Fubuki grinned "This place has the best food and it's cheap too- perfect for students! Besides I have a fast metabolism so..." He said, ordering all three desserts (ignoring the look of concern on the waiter's face). Kaoru just laughed lightly before noticing something "Hey Fubuki, you wearing makeup?" Afuro looked up from his ramen bowl; his eyebrows were more defined and eyelashes darker too, there was a slight hint of glitter on the other's cheeks, only noticeable when his skin caught the light. Fubuki shook his friend's arm "Seriously Afuro? Ah I thought I got it all off! I was running late for class after the shoot so-"
"-Here, let me." Afuro answered with a small chuckle, trying to get the glitter off with his sleeve. "Hold still Shirou."
"No one even said anything!" The boy groaned, rubbing at his eyebrows even though the blonde kept telling him not to move.

"It's not like you look bad Shirou, they probably just thought you were going for a new look." Kaoru remarked and Afuro nodded "Yeah I mean who cares if you're wearing makeup. I wear makeup too- it's not a big deal."
Fubuki dropped his hands to his lap. "Yeah but no one asks stupid questions when it's you..." He mumbled, the other immediately stopped what he was doing. "Shirou..."

"Whatever I'm just gonna...go to the bathroom..." he muttered, scraping his chair out and quickly leaving the table. Afuro just sighed.

"I still can't believe you're gonna eat all that."
'Back on this again huh?' Kaoru laughed again, running a hand through their short black hair. "You two must really have fast metabolisms or you'd get fat really quickly- I know I would! I'm trying to diet at the moment; no sugar, no carbs, it sucks! Fubuki said you guys used to play football a lot, I bet you had to follow real strict meal plans and things huh? At least now you can let loose!"

They chuckled and looked at their watch "Ah shoot, I gotta head to class- but I'll see you on Thursday for the painting okay? Say bye to Shirou for me!" And with that they ran off.
Afuro looked down at his food, suddenly feeling very sick.
•
"There. What do you think Afuro?" The blonde sat up from his semi-reclined position on Kaoru's bed, getting up to take a look at the painting.
"I've just gotta add some highlights here and there, work in a bit of background, I think I might add a bit more depth to the colour-"
Afuro wasn't listening. He was too busy staring at the lines, the curves and dips of his body rendered in beautiful acrylic, every detail captured with pristine accuracy.
He hated it.

He knew about anatomy, he knew how bodies looked, how skin folds and overlaps, stretches. It was his body for sure, and it was disgusting.
"...You don't like it?" Kaoru's words brought him back. He quickly shook his head, pasting a smile on his face. "No, it's good. You're very talented." 'It's not the painting that's wrong, it's your body.' 

"You're very kind, thank you." He heard Kaoru say as he headed back to the bed. He didn't want to look any longer.
"You're a kind person." They said again, quieter this time. Afuro was only aware of their presence again when he felt the bed dip beside him. "Confident too. Not afraid to be your authentic self."
'Authentic huh?'
Afuro leaned back "The make up thing? That took a long time getting used to. At first it was because I had bad skin- my mum suggested I wear a little concealer and foundation to cover it up." He looked up at the ceiling "Kids can be jerks."
"Not just kids. Adults can be just as bad." Kaoru replied "When I told the teacher I wanted to be referred to as they/them he just laughed at me- said I'm a girl and should act like one. Nobody in that class respects my pronouns- except from you."

The blonde tilted his head towards the other, a grimace on his face "I don't know why people can't just mind their own business. Gender, sexuality, people always treat that like it's the most important thing when there's so many bigger things to worry about."
"Like how Fubuki's gonna get all that makeup off his face." Kaoru chuckled.
"Or obsessing over the length of my hair." Afuro had always had long hair, he liked it, his parents didn't have a problem with it; at least until high school, when every jerk decided it would be fun to pick on the 'pretty boy' from South Korea. "It was hard, they bullied me pretty bad, always called me a girl, but I just ignored them. In the end they figured I wasn't worth it. Didn't make it hurt any less though."

"I could learn a lot from you I guess..." They leaned closer, admiring Afuro's face. "Your eyes are so nice..." They whispered. "I wish I had hair like yours- long and blonde, it looks so gorgeous..." Afuro could only watch as the other observed him, a trance-like state falling over him. Kaoru was a thing of beauty- he'd thought that ever since he met them- and yet here they were, musing about how beautiful he looked? Kaoru reached out to adjust a strand of golden hair that had fallen across the other's face. Their fingers were soft and warm, gentle across his skin. A gentle touch soon turning to a soft caress, a swift movement and two pairs of lips meeting.

It had been two months, and for those two months Fubuki had hardly seen his friend. Afuro refused his friend's offers for nights out, drinks in town, even their usual lunches; there was always some sort of excuse. On the off-chance that he was able to catch a glimpse of his friend he was disturbed by how tired he always looked. No matter how many times he asked his friend if he was okay Afuro's answer was always the same "I'm just stressed is all, don't worry about me."
But he'd seen his friend stressed before, this couldn't be the same thing. Something was wrong.

"I don't know what to tell you Fubuki. He keeps cancelling all our date plans, even just coming round to eat here he refuses to do." Kaoru pulled a hand through their hair "I dunno if I've upset him or something. He won't tell me anything. Please talk to him, I know he'll tell you the truth."
When he turned up outside Afuro's room that night, unannounced, his friend looked even worse than usual. It made his heart ache. "Terumi...seriously, are you okay?"
The answer was the same. He was stressed, had an assignment, he was fine, Fubuki didn't need to worry, everything was okay. All with that same fake smile Fubuki knew all too well.

Afuro pressed the door closed, waiting with baited breath for the sound of his friend's footsteps to echo down the hall. Beads of sweat appeared on his forehead, Fubuki hadn't moved. 'Please, please leave!'
Then the tiniest voice, so soft it was barely audible. "Whatever it is you're going through I'm here for you, okay? You're my best friend, you've been there for me so I'll be there for you too. So...when you want to talk about this...let me know. We can just sit and talk, like we used to. I love you Terumi, yeah? We're going to get through this together, yeah?"
"...Yeah..." it was all he could manage, his body shaking as he listened to the footsteps walk away.
'You don't deserve a friend like him.'
He rushed to the bathroom and threw up.

He looked at his body in the mirror. At the curves and folds, his worn out face and how skinny he'd become. 'It's not enough.' Pulling his clothes loosely over his body, he crouched down throwing the wrappers of crisps, cakes, chocolates and biscuits into his bin. 'You don't deserve anyone, not like this.' He picked up his phone seeing a text from his parents back home:
Hope you are okay Terumi, we haven't heard from you in so long! We await your next call. Holiday is coming soon, we will have a big meal to celebrate you coming home!

Afuro couldn't cry anymore, he'd lost the strength for that.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Fubuki found out eventually, because I couldn't bring myself to tell him. He didn't judge me, didn't lecture, just tried to help; in the little ways and in the big. It took a while, but we managed to get it under control.
At least I thought it was under control...

"Afuro?"
Shit.

(Arata)
I trudged upstairs to see the bathroom door open and my beautiful Afuro walk out, brushing his teeth. He waved at me and I gave him a quizzical look.
"Got teh hav goo dennal hygee" he mumbled before I heard JoJo rampaging up the stairs, she squeezed past me and attacked Afuro's leg, giggling "Daddy, Daddy! We did tumbles today, I did it real good Daddy!" She exclaimed.

I laughed "Look Jo-see how much of a good role model your daddy's being, can you show him how you brush your teeth?"
She nodded her head furiously before running off. I turned back to see Afuro just kind of staring at me, the toothbrush sitting in his mouth. It looked like he wanted to say something, but he swiftly went back to brushing, so I just pushed the thought to the back of my mind.

Bounce bounce bounce-That'll be Josie.
"Daddy! Daddy look! I brush too!"
"Ey? How many times have I told you Josie, not to jump down the stairs? You could fall and hurt yourself!" I warned and she nodded "A gazillion times!"
I just sighed as she grinned and ran past me. She never listens to me.

It's times like these when I wish I could be more like...Nagumo for example-Josie listens to him just fine, but her own father? Nope. Kids, who'd have them eh? I smiled inwardly to myself, despite everything that's happened, I wouldn't trade my Joseline for the world.

"Look daddy, look at me!" Josie said, climbing onto the toilet seat "Hey get down from there!" She just pouted at me- this child. "Josie-"
"Joseline, please get down sweetie."
We both stared at Afuro. He was so quiet, and he hardly ever called Jojo 'Joseline'...

Josie got down without another word and began to 'brush' her teeth. I shook my head, leaning over to give Afuro a kiss on the cheek, but he ducked away. He simply unpinned his hair and then walked away without a single comment.

I felt a tug on my trousers, I was met with my daughter's hurt face "Is daddy angry...with me?" She asked meekly.
"Oh...no, no of course not sweetie..." I patted her head softly but she didn't seem convinced, brushing her teeth sadly as I followed after my blonde boyfriend.

(5.10pm~ Kidou and Fudou's place)
(Fudou)

I let him in, he gave me a weary smile before stepping inside.
"Rough day?"
"Don't you know it..." he replied, sighing a little. I watched his eyes dart around, his fingers fiddling with the hem of his jumper.
"Yuuto's not here, if that's what you're wondering." I said and he instantly looked more relaxed. His eyes landed on the cigarette in my hand. He bit his lip "I could really do with one of those right now..."

"I thought you said you quit."
He rubbed the back of his neck "I know it's just...I'm real stressed right now, you'd be helping me out-a lot."
I shook my head, there was no way I was going to let him slip back into a bad habit, like I did. "You wanna add smoker to that list too?"
He gazed up at me, a pleading look in his eyes disguised by the calmness of his voice.
"It's just shit. So shit."

He held out his hands in front of me-they were shaking. "That's me off the drink. Ditched it a couple days back...just felt shit drinking all the time...stopped feeling good..." He leaned closer to me, eyes just as pleading, his voice pitching. "What Fubuki said really got to me you see? You get that? And it's so shit Fudou, feels so fucking shit allll the time, like I can't fucking-"
He was uncomfortably close to me now, gripping onto my hoodie with trembling hands. "-like there's just nothing? I gotta replace it with something- replace the emptiness!"
He was right in my face, still pleading with me "Okay okay! Damn! I'll give you one-just one-to help you calm down a bit. He closed his eyes, leaning into my chest "Thanks Fudou." He mumbled breathily.

We stood, backs against the cold, brick wall outside the kitchen, me taking a drag every now and then. He took a long drag, exhaling and clutching the cigarette to his forehead with a look of content. "That's better. Thanks again."
"You seriously shouldn't be thanking me-"
"You know what I mean. Thanks for putting up with me, you and Kazemaru seem to be the only ones who will."

I coughed a little "Well it doesn't help when you get into a fight with Fubuki-everybody loves him."
He brought the cigarette back to his lips, inhaling slowly and methodically.
"It's crazy, I fucked up so badly. I didn't mean it you know? Just slipped out- I was angry right? Felt bad after, when the drink wore off. Shouldn't have said that." He recounted quietly, exhaling a steady stream of smoke which whipped around his head before disappearing. "Obviously I wanna apologise, but how can I when Gouenji won't let me anywhere near him? I looked up to that guy all my childhood-I used to think he was so cool...hmph, not anymore." He sighed heavily, tapping his cigarette on the edge of the ash tray. "It's hopeless. I'm such a difficult person without Max-no wonder everyone seems to hate me."
"Not everyone hates you. At least I don't."
He groaned.

I ended up telling him a few stories about my new job at the cafe, hoping that would cheer him up a little. I'm not a hugging guy- unless we're best friends- and Handa and I definitely are not that close yet. So a funny story or two would have to do, ease the tension a bit and bring up the mood. I know I must seem like an asshole to most people, but I'm not about to just sit back while a friend is feeling down. It seemed to work, he was laughing long after I was finished. It helped that I'd served a fair number of assholes and idiots, so the options were almost limitless. He giggled and coughed and then giggled some more, hitting me on the shoulder playfully "You're lucky you've not been fired yet Fudou!"
Suddenly we were alerted to the sound of the kitchen window slamming shut behind us.

Handa immediately stopped laughing "Your boyfriend's back." He threw his cigarette to the floor and stamped it out, burying his hands in the jacket I had given him since it was chilly out-Kidou's jacket. I stubbed mine out too, seconds later Yuuto appeared at the back door.

"Hey babe. Sorry, I didn't hear you come in."
"Evidently." He replied somewhat sourly, eyes glued to the brunette at my side who was fidgeting around nervously. "I should...get going..." Handa stated, attempting to get past me but my boyfriend blocked his path.

"No. Stay. I'll get you something to drink; a coffee, or perhaps, you'd prefer a large bottle of vodka?" He said before stalking off.

"Yuuto what the fuck was that?" I looked over at Handa who was standing by the genkan-clearly wanting to be anywhere but here.
"How many times have I told you not to call me babe, I don't appreciate it Akio."
"Don't change the subject!" I growled angrily.
"I hate this."
"What?"
"Just-this. Him. Him being here with you." He said exasperatedly, I took a step back "What's that supposed to mean!"

"Do you not...trust me or something?" He didn't say anything. I shook my head in disbelief, a strained laugh escaping my lips.
"Yuuto, really? Fair enough if you don't trust him-I mean you hardly know him-but, it's me. Me! You can't be serious?"
"You don't exactly have the best track record though, do you Akio?" I raised an eyebrow 'he's really gonna bring that up again? It was one time!'

"We're allowed to hang out you know?!"
"I'm just saying...He shouldn't be here, not with the things he did..."
"Seriously? People make mistakes Yuuto, he was just upset!" I understood of course, him and Gouenji were best friends, but still, to not even give him the benefit of the doubt...
He folded his arms "We're not having this conversation right now Akio." Sighing, he loosened his tie a little before carrying on. "Look, I'm tired, I've had a shit day. All I want to do right now is relax and spend the evening with my boyfriend believe it or not. I didn't exactly expect to see you and him having a fun time smoking in the garden."

I glanced over at Handa who was fidgeting awkwardly before sighing. "Look, I'm just trying to help him." I said quietly.
My boyfriend scoffed. "Help him! By offering him a cigarette?"
'Sure, because that's all I did, it's not as though I let him vent to me as I tried to cheer him up a bit!'
"That was just a one-off-"
"-Listen carefully Akio Fudou, because I'm only going to say this once; I care about you and I want you to beat this addiction once and for all, you hear me? Having a little 'smoking buddy' is not going to help you with that- I don't care what he does if I'm honest but I will not allow you to destroy yourself, not after last time." He pressed his hand to my chest and I knew exactly what he meant. He pressed down harder. "Get the message?"
"Yeah." I got the message alright, loud and clear. I could still feel it, his fingers pressing right onto my lungs.

"Hey, Fudou?..." I tore my eyes away from my boyfriend's as Handa poked his head into the kitchen. Kidou narrowed his eyes at him-something I would usually just think of as habit, but now...
"I-I was just going to say that I'll be going home now...sorry for showing up so unannounced, I guess." He said quietly. I would have said 'That's okay' but instead just settled on a nod.
We all stood in silence before Handa straightened up "Ah, here sorry." He slipped the jacket off his slim shoulders before handing it to me.

"It's mine actually." Kidou said, grabbing the jacket from his hands.
"Are you sure you're not going to be too cold walking home? You can borrow one of mine if you wa-"
"-I think he'll be fine Akio. He doesn't need any more of your help." Kidou said, giving me a look.

"Thank you, but I'm fine." Handa said, turning to walk away before he suddenly stopped. "You know, I'm not sure if that's jacket's any good Kidou, since your heart is so cold. You might want to get a new one." He fixed my boyfriend with a glare before walking off "I'll be going now."

((Finally it's done! I actually feel this chapter is complete! I was working tirelessly on this (and Ch 67) for a long time -see my rant in the next chapter lol- because I felt I could do better. Also because I'm a sucker for University life since I'm finished with my degree now and so far I've only really explored the Teikoku boys and wanted to flesh out Afuro and Fubuki's experiences too! Big shoutout to CityOfFragments for the inspiration of Fubuki studying music (piano) which I also mentioned in Ch21. Also a big shoutout to sinkingwmyships - their NagaSu oneshot book (not only is it BRILLIANT) but it was the inspiration for the bit with Afuro modelling for the painting (one of my fav one shots)!

And finally, name-dropped characters in this chapter:
- Heppai En and Demete Yutaka (Zeus Jr High)
-Matoro Juka and Sorano Rebun (Hakuren Jr High)
-Mutou Satoshi (Aliea Gakuen): name-dropped because of an artist I'm a fan of on Insta who ships him with Afuro, reminds me of my random-ass pairing with Arata 😅