((CW: mature themes, homophobic language))

If I had my life to live again, I'd find you sooner~Kobi Yamada

(Sunday, 6.45pm~ Max's house)
"You were supposed to have that report finished and on my desk last night." I rubbed the back of my neck "I know, sorry I've just been a little...preoccupied I guess." Otis stood up, as if preparing to leave, but instead walked over to my desk; leaning over and pulling a file out from under the numerous pieces of paper strewn about.

"The Dugas case? It's here, Sid was working on it yesterday." He handed it over to her whilst I just sat there perplexed.
"Valentine, you need to get more organised, this is a high profile case, you need to seriously get your memory looked at or something, we can't afford to-" I think I tuned out. I don't remember writing any report, perhaps I did, I can't really remember much of what happened yesterday.

Something is wrong. Everything seems out of place. An inch, maybe, out of place. Just enough to be unsettling. I can't tell what's real and what's imagined now, everything just seems to merge into one. This case isn't helping one bit. And this insomnia too, it's unbearable. I just want to sleep, dream and then forget everything that occurs in that vivid wonderland but no-instead those dreams just come to taunt me instead.

I'm not going mad.

I stopped typing, rubbing my eyes tiredly. It was like I was holding a mirror up to myself. That wasn't how that scene was supposed to play out-and yet I was just subconsciously writing nonsensical stuff without even noticing. 'It's you, all you.' I sighed again, looking over the words I'd just written "That really is something."
The words floated past my eyes, I'm not going mad. Maybe if I just kept telling myself those words, they'd come true.
No, I'm just...having some trouble sleeping is all. Nothing to be concerned about.
'You should tell him.'

I can't tell Max. He just can't know; he probably wouldn't get it, either that or he'd get mad with worry.
But keeping this all to myself...it's unbearable.
'It wouldn't be fair on him.'
'Just let him think everything's fine! That's what he likes, he likes being happy!'
'Don't you dare drag him down.'
Right, of course. I have to remember that. He's good to me, a good boyfriend, I need to keep him happy.

I can do that, I can keep him happy. I just have to try a little harder.

My eyelids felt heavy.
I think I got maybe...four hours last night. Hours and hours of just staring blankly up at the ceiling- it beats just waiting for a nightmare though. I figured if my body will refuse to rest I might as well enjoy the peace of nighttime. It rained last night, when I snuck out to look at the frosty moon I could smell the water on the grass, feel the night air leaving goosebumps on my skin. It was glorious.

But it was short-lived. Max had come looking for me, said he was missing my warmth with that cute head tilt he does. I suppose it's rather selfish of me- I should stay in bed with him. It makes him happy. It's warm there with him. It's safe, I need to remember that. I'm safe with him. It's not like the other times, nothing's expected of me, I can just exist in peace without any bother. At least until I close my eyes, then it happens.

I've had the same nightmare everyday for the past week now. It's dark and I can't move, I can't speak. There are hands around my neck, gripping tightly, fingernails digging into my skin.
I've spent too many nights staring up at that ceiling, trying to convince myself- pathetically- that I'm not still dreaming about a man like him. But I know it's true. He still haunts me, the memory of his words, his touch, refusing to die. So...I try to trick myself, even though it's painful; think of everyone who's ever loved me, all those who helped me escape Kaido. I think of Rowan, the most perfect of men, eyes that I could just lose myself in, that terrific smile. I think of Someoka sometimes, the man I genuinely thought I'd be with forever, who despite his flaws I think really did care about me. And I think of Max. My precious boyfriend, the man I'd give up anything for. The man I just want to make happy...
The one who knows nothing of what I've been through...

"You've been staring at your screen for the last ten minutes."

I looked up suddenly "Oh Max! I didn't hear you come in." I said rather startled.
"What's this?" He asked, pointing to the screen. He was wearing his batman hoodie, the one that says 'Because I'm Batman!' on the back. God, he's such a nerd, I love him.
"Uh nothing. Just something I was working on I guess. I'm not actually going to use it." I quickly deleted the passage I'd just written before shutting my laptop lid.

He leaned over me slightly, his hair tickling my face as he did so. "Oh and Kageno's hosting D&D at his place tonight, wants to know if you'll come. We're starting a new campaign."
I sighed, I really wasn't in the mood for something like that tonight.
I felt him nudge me. "Come on~ my tiefling cleric's been missing his rogue elf partner; besides Shishido, Shourin and Kabeyama haven't seen you in ages!"
"I'm really not in the mood tonight Max okay? Just go without me."

His face seemed to sour a bit. What could I say- "Sorry tonight's no good for me I'm exhausted and wanna be alone and think about stupid regrets and shit"? I can't tell him that.
"What's wrong Handa?"
I sighed deeply, gathering my things. "There's nothing wrong Max, please."
He shook his head, knitting his eyebrows together in concern. "Yes there is. You've got bags under your eyes, you keep getting up in the middle of the night. Something's clearly wrong." He stated, grabbing my arm as I tried to get up from my seat. "Maybe you need to see a doctor or something?"

"I told you I'm fine Max, will you just drop it? Please?" I asked tiredly, just wanting to rest or something. I couldn't deal with all his questions right now. I pushed his arm off of me "Stop fussing already." I replied somewhat harshly. He stared at me for a minute before walking off with a huff, presumably to the kitchen. He wasn't normally like this, Max only really had two expressions, happy or bored, he never got frustrated, especially not at me. "Have you eaten?" He asked coming back in, arms folded. "I'm not really hungry..."
"That's what you said yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that. Why aren't you eating anymore?" His voice was laced with concern but also frustration, like I was annoying him or something.

I tried to stay calm, not to tip him off that anything was amiss; but clearly I messed that up too.
"I'm just not hungry okay, is that such a big deal to you? Just leave me alone Max I'm fine!" I said loudly, grabbing my laptop and attempting to squeeze past him. He grabbed my wrist. "Han, don't shut me out. You've been acting so weird lately. Tell me what's wrong."
"Max I'm fine I-fuck please just let me go."
"Is it me?"
"Max just-stop please!"
"Are you upset because of the book?" I don't know why that comment annoyed me the most. "Oh yeah because of course I'm going to stop eating and sleeping over something as stupid as writer's block! What kind of a person do you think I am?! Don't you think I have bigger things to worry about than something like that? God, you're so fucking clueless Max!" I yelled, yanking my wrist out of his grip.

His cheeks turned a rosy shade of red-okay, now he was angry. "Well how am I supposed to know, you won't tell me! I'm trying my hardest here, I'm trying okay!" He shouted. I shook my head furiously, balling my hands into fists. "Just stop trying! You don't need to know everything that goes on in my life Max!"
'This would be so much easier if you just told him. He could help you, he'd understand, he'd be there for you.'
'And tell him all about your secret, shameful past? Tell him about everything that's happened, everything you've done? Show him how messed up you really are? How fucked up your brain is?'
I can't do it. I can't tell him, not when I've tried so hard to make us into the regular couple, not when I've told him so many lies to cover up my mistakes, not when he thinks I'm normal.

My mouth hadn't caught up with my mind. I was still shouting. "I'm sorry that I can't be 100% fine all the time Max okay! Some of us don't get to spend the whole day playing video games and loving our jobs, some of us are so fucking stressed out it makes us sick! You're lucky you know? You made the right choices in life, have everything you could possibly want, the job of your dreams, a nice house, nice parents who send you money even though you can support yourself just fine. I have none of that!

Even this laptop-not mine! I have a bitch of a sister, parents that hate me who I've not spoken to since I was nineteen. Nineteen years old! So yeah, maybe I get a little down from time to time, and maybe sometimes I just want you to leave me the fuck alone, sorry if that's a concept you're not familiar with!"
He tried to speak but only came out with sounds.

I was so frustrated I couldn't stop. "And I know that if it wasn't for you I would still be with So-" I stopped abruptly. Shit.
"With who?" He seethed, I panicked "With no one, I was just saying I'd be on my own!" I said hurriedly, eyes darting to the stairs. I bit my lip as he just stared at me, not believing what I said for one second.

It became a tense standoff, neither of us saying anything. The air was becoming stale and I just wanted to run-but that would just make it look like I had even more to hide. Finally, he spoke.
"I'm gonna order some pizza."

He just walked off. He didn't even care about what I had just practically screamed at him, he didn't care at all. I felt angry, more angry than ever before. Why was I so angry? Isn't this what I wanted, for him to leave me alone and stop asking questions?

A strange feeling surged through my veins, my body moved on its own, the strange feeling becoming more and more amplified as I got closer an closer to him, I could feel my temperature rising, until it was almost suffocating. Rage. And when he looked up from his phone at me all I could think was 'Pay attention to me! Pay attention to me! You don't even care about me!' And I didn't even hear what he said to me, because my mind was clouded with those thoughts. I had to make him care, make him listen.

The sound wasn't what got me, it was the pain.

My hand stung like it had been attacked by a swarm of wasps, I looked down to see the fresh bandage I'd put around it had now shifted slightly, exposing some skin underneath. And suddenly I was filled with immense panic.
"What the fuck!" I looked over at my boyfriend, who was holding his cheek, a big red mark starting to form under his fingers. Then it all made sense. I staggered back in disbelief.

I couldn't even speak, Matsuno just looked at me, still shocked. I'd hit him. I'd hit my boyfriend. 'You attacked him. He hadn't done anything wrong, hadn't hurt you, and you just attacked him. You did the same to Someoka too, you're just as bad as Kaido. You hit him because he didn't listen. You'll do it again, and again, and you'll play the victim every time-you'll say he made you mad, angry, upset, frustrated, anything to justify your actions. You're the real monster.'

And suddenly when I looked at him again, all I saw was myself, curled up in a ball on the floor of Kaido's house, crying my eyes out as a large purple bruise formed under my eye.

"N-no. No!" I yelled, feeling my heart begin to beat out of control. I covered my ears and squeezed my eyes shut tight, falling to my knees as I began to hyperventilate. I couldn't stop shaking. Everything was cold and dark and too much, my head was pounding, my breathing becoming more and more shallow. "Han. Han?" I tuned it out, tuned it all out. I needed to get out, had to get out of here, a small memory materialising in my panicked state...

I peered out of the window to see Kaido walking up to the door, friends in tow. Three of them. There was one I didn't recognise, a foreigner, laughing loudly at a joke Kaido had made. A second later the door opened, laughter and obnoxiously loud voices filled the quiet house. I walked silently over to the top of the stairs, half-obscuring myself behind the bannister.

The laughter died down a little, and in that moment my eyes fell upon the most attractive person I've ever seen; hazel eyes met chocolate as we just stared at each other, seemingly both entranced by the other.

"Oh I forgot about...that." Kaido's harsh words brought me back down to Earth, he gave me a stern look as the other man avoided my gaze.
"Urgh, this is my cousin Handa." He sighed -I didn't react, this was the usual routine. The hot guy suddenly smiled, stepping forward "Nice to meet you. I'm Rowan, Rowan Farrow-Singh." He said brightly and my heart fluttered, his voice was so beautiful, so sexy. I shook away my thoughts and watched as they all filed out into the living room, Rowan being the last.

I just stood there, entranced before I noticed Kaido staring at me "You gonna come down here or what? We're hungry." He stated and I quickly hurried down the stairs, shivering when I felt his hand grab my ass. "Fix us up something good will ya'?"

They were watching a football match on tv when I brought their beers in, wincing a little when Kaido loudly yelled at me to get the hell out of the way of the screen.
"You want me take the cap off with my teeth or something?" He shouted, one of his friends sniggering. "Bottle opener Han! Are you an idiot?"
I hurried out of the room, searching the draws for it before he could get more annoyed at me. I hadn't been paying attention, too busy losing my mind over that Rowan guy.

"Sorry- here let me." I took the bottle from him and popped off the lid, only to fumble it and spill half the beer on the carpet. "Ah you fucking- can't do fuck all right can you Handa?!" He shot up and towered over me, I cowered in fear, worried he was going to hit me.
"Woah woah easy there mate, it was just an accident, give him a break!" I looked over to see Rowan, he was smiling jokily but there was a sternness in his eyes, the other two looked slightly taken aback-I wasn't sure if it was due to Rowan or Kaido.

Kaido straightened up, glancing at his friend before pasting a fake smile on his face and giving me a 'light' punch on the arm "Ah sorry about that Han, it's just, you know how much I hate mess-can't help it I'm afraid!" He said rather cooly before taking his seat again, I didn't bother arguing back.

I cleaned up the mess as best I could, knowing I was going to really get it from Kaido once his friends were gone. I wanted to thank Rowan but I didn't dare with Kaido practically breathing down my neck. I was almost done when I heard one of his friends speak.
"So...why is he here again?"
I stiffened a little, knowing exactly what was coming next. Kaido sighed melancholically.

"It's a sob-story really. He's a fag who got disowned by the family, I've been helping out you know: letting him stay here rent-free, feeding him, clothing him." He scoffed, pointing his beer bottle at me. "Not like I get any thanks for it though, and the lazy bum pretty much refuses to get a job, just relies on me for everything- don't you Han?"
I had to bite my tongue to prevent myself talking back.

He tipped his head back, finishing the last of his beer before continuing. "I won't lie, he's a massive burden but what can I do? Can't throw him out on the streets can I? He's burnt all his fucking bridges with his friends so I'm his last resort, oh you should've seen the way he begged me to help him! P-please K-Kaido I've g-got nowhere else t-to go!"
He let out a string of laughter as my eyes began to brim with tears, he was treating me as though I wasn't even there, as though I couldn't hear the terrible lies he was saying about me. 'Lies?'

I rose shakily to my feet, sniffing a little. Kaido just rolled his eyes at me, not caring about how much shame I felt. I couldn't stand it anymore.
I slid down next to the fridge as a string of laughs filtered in from the other room.
I can just about take him hitting me, the things he does to me, I can just barely put up with the terrible things he calls me, but this...
Most of it was lies, but not all of it.
I'd made so many mistakes in such little time and then, at my lowest I'd found Kaido. I thought he was an angel or something, turns out he was one of the fallen...

I wasn't sure how much time had passed, maybe an hour. I was busy preparing some oyster mushrooms for dinner- Rice koji cream stew- trying to cook something new to please Kaido, when I heard the door open and close. I didn't turn around, expecting it to be him.
"Hey baby, what's cooking?" I froze, hoping my mind was just playing tricks on me.
He placed a hand on my lower back "I said. What's cooking?"

It took me a moment to fully realise what was going on, it had to be some sort of trick, another one of Kaido's loyalty tests. I turned around quickly, Rowan looked down at me with a smile.
"What are you doing?!" I whispered and he raised an eyebrow, smirking a little-but for some reason, when he did it, it didn't make me feel uneasy like Kaido's always did. "Oh come on Handa, you can drop the act, it's pretty obvious you aren't related to Kaido. Let me guess, you're his boyfriend right?" I stared at him, unsure of what to say. It had to be a trap.

I took in his features one by one; his tousled, jet black hair, hazel eyes, beautiful caramel skin, lips that looked so kissable- I shook my head "I don't k-know what you're talking about!" I replied, cursing under my breath for stuttering. I tried to walk away, only for him to grab my hand, pulling me into his chest.
"Just wait a sec." he said in a rather hushed manner, looking over his shoulder for a moment before turning back to me. "I just wanna help."
"I don't need any help, everything's fine."
He raised an eyebrow at me, obviously seeing through my facade. He placed a hand under my chin, quieting his voice "You can trust me okay? I'm not trying to deceive you. It's obvious something's not right here, Kaido clearly treats you like crap and that's not right."
"No...he was just angry, it happens!"

"I could treat you so much better than him."
"What are you saying?!"
I backed away and tripped slightly, he rushed forward, attempting to stop me from falling, but I stopped myself and his hands instead landed on my stomach. I winced. For a minute neither of us said anything, but then a look of understanding filled his face, slowly his hand went to the hem of my t-shirt, lifting it up a little. Revealing a blackish-blue bruise on my stomach. I avoided his gaze.

He pulled my t-shirt back down without a word, before pulling me into an embrace. It was so warm, so comforting. I felt safe with him, like I never wanted him to leave me ever again. He initiated the kiss, but I didn't stop him, didn't pull away. I wrapped my arms around him tightly, not wanting anything but him.

I tapped my arm nervously, he was late.
He'd snuck me his number before leaving and I'd wrestled with the idea of texting him for a week before I finally caved. My phone buzzed- he was outside. I swiftly deleted the message. Letting out a shaky breath I headed to the garden, opening the gate for him.
"Uh sorry about this it's just, I didn't want anyone to see you." I said shakily, letting him into the house. "Kaido doesn't let me go out much so if I have to leave I'll go through the back and then down the side street. That way the neighbours won't see me." I laughed nervously "I mean, he doesn't talk to them anyway 'cause he thinks they're boring, but you know, better safe than sorry!"

I moved my phone from one hand to the other "Sorry about all the secrecy, just Kaido has a habit of uh going through my messages and such so..." He placed his hands on either side of my face, speaking softly "Handa, it's okay. You don't have to be nervous."
'I don't have to be nervous, when I'm cheating on my boyfriend, with one of his friends?! How could I not be nervous!'

I walked into the living room, my back towards him. First, I needed answers. "Um Rowan..." I tucked some hair behind my ear. "How did you, you know, become friends with Kaido?"
I heard him take a seat on the sofa. His voice was so velvety soft, like sweet honey. "Well, we actually met at a bar a couple months ago, we have a bar sports team together. Pool, darts, that kind of thing."
I wrung my hands, the bar, of course. That's where he goes when he's done with me for the night, or when he's pissed off with me. Then he comes back even more angry than he was before...

"A-alright..." I tried to picture it, the two of them having fun at the bar, messing around, drinking. Kaido would fit right in- he was good at that, in public he was a decent person, charming, handsome, he could get whatever he wanted. But in private, he became a monster. A monster I loved.
I spun around, facing Rowan for the first time. I felt sick looking at his face. "How can you be friends with someone like that?"

He sighed deeply, playing with his hair. "Uh it's complicated."
"Is it?"
He sighed again, guilt clear on his face. I knew what was coming, it was always the same response. "I mean, he seemed like such a nice guy when I met him."
I wrapped my arms tightly around my frame. "Yeah, he does that."
He stood up, suddenly coming towards me with a look of genuine concern on his face (I'd almost forgotten what that expression looked like, it'd been so long since I'd seen it). He took hold of my arm gently, his voice raising slightly. "But then the way he was speaking about you...I just knew it was wrong. I could tell he treated you badly, I didn't need to see the bruises for that."

He reached out for me with his other arm, pulling me close to him. I could smell his cologne, it was similar to the one Kaido wore, but less harsh. I always hated my boyfriend's cologne, it only added to the suffocation I felt here.
"Handa." I focused my attention back to him. "I don't agree with him, please know that. And I would never treat you the way he does, okay? I wanna look after you. And to do that...I have to stay friends with him."
I bit my lip. "So you mean, laugh at all his derogatory jokes, add to the snide comments about me like the rest of his friends?" I asked, shaking my head "You won't be able to influence or change him, he's good at c-controlling people, you won't be able to change his mind." I cried. Despite Kaido's confidence and personality he was a largely private man, that way no one could challenge him. He was selective with those he chose to spend time with. It was one of many tactics.

Rowan shook my shoulders gently "No Handa, but it's just better this way for us. If I stay his friend, hell, if I become really close to him it won't be so suspicious of me coming round here more with him. That way I can keep an eye on you and watch out for your well-being when Kaido's here." He explained. I thought for a moment, Kaido rarely showed his true colours when he had guests round. If it could buy me time, even just a couple hours where Kaido couldn't touch me, I'd take it. What other options did I have?

"How did you figure it out?" I asked, wanting to change the subject. Rowan sat back down in his seat, pulling his hand through his hair. "How'd I know you two are a couple?"
I nodded.
"Well, I know the type; the closeted guy filled with self-hatred trying to pass as straight, and the younger, vulnerable guy..."
I hated that word.

"How old are you anyway?" He asked me and I tensed up. I stared at the floor "Well I turned twenty last week."
He muttered under his breath "Kaido's twenty-six. Shit, you're basically still a kid-"
"-No, I'm an adult who can make their own decisions. That's the last thing my parents said to me before I left home..." I felt my fists clench. That's what they'd told me; I was a man, I had to make my own decisions, own my mistakes and learn from them. Well I certainly made mistakes.

I slumped down next to him. "I met Kaido at a gay bar when I was nineteen, the night I left home. He kept buying me drinks. I didn't really care, I just wanted to get wasted, and he was so hot so... I really didn't have any plan, he said I should come home with him, so I just...did. Then, he said I could stay with him a little while if I had no place to go; a couple days became weeks, then months and then...I kinda just ended up like this, his boyfriend. I remember the first time he shouted at me, it was over something so stupid, I'd never heard someone shout like that before, it just came out of nowhere, and then a couple minutes later we were back to kissing you know? It went on like that for a while, and then slowly the shouting turned to slaps, punches...I still remember the first time he hit me..."

"Why didn't you leave? You must've know that was wrong, that a boyfriend shouldn't treat you like that?" The number of times I'd heard that, the number of times I'd told myself that, it didn't make a difference. I laughed exasperatedly, my voice straining. "How could I? Where was I gonna go? I'd run away from home, couldn't turn to any of my friends. I was alone. He was the first boyfriend I'd ever had, hell the first relationship I'd ever been in. I figured this was just how things are, I know he loves me deep down! I know he can change! I still love him, it's like, I'm tangled in a net, no matter which way I twist and turn, no matter the amount of times I say I'm gonna leave I can't get out!" I cried.

He didn't say anything after that, neither did I. We just sat in silence, me waiting until my heart rate returned to normal. I shook my head, moving so I was sitting on his lap. "I guess we should just do this now..." I placed my hands on his chest, leaning forward when he stopped me. I gave him a confused look.
"Before that..." He said, taking my hands within his own. "...I wanted to apologise for before. I kissed you without asking first, that was wrong. Can you forgive me?"

He was asking?
"Can I kiss you?" He asked, rubbing my hands softly. I gave him an awkward smile. "I-I've never been asked before..." I didn't know people needed to ask for something like that.
"Well, I have to ask your consent don't I?"
'Consent. That concept doesn't exist to Kaido.'
I steadied myself, leaning forward, answering breathily "Um, yes, yes you can."

That's where it started.

The doorbell rang, that must be the pizza. I shot up from my seat, not being able to look at Max since the incident half an hour ago. Neither of us had said a word since.

I opened the door, not being able to believe who was standing there.