Reason To Stay ~ Olivia Dean

You said, "A misunderstanding that's all it was"
I should believe you, we can't build love on a lie
But I'm starting to doubt you, I wonder why

If you say you love me, don't go and waste my time
If you want my love you better mean it
One of these days, if you can't behave
I'm leaving if you leave me no reason
If you say you love me, don't go play on my mind
If you promise me you better keep it
One of these days, if you can't behave
I'm leaving if you leave me no reason to stay

(Someoka)
I woke up as I had everyday for the past week or so since Han and I decided to keep our distance, he'd been sleeping on the sofa since that day. The bed was so cold, I missed having my little brunette to cuddle with at night, he was always so warm, now it was just me. Me alone.

I made my way downstairs, peering into the living room to see Handa; he was clutching the blanket tightly, body rising and falling slowly with each breath he took. I smiled, making my way over. I lightly brushed a stray lock of hair away from his face before retracting my hand quickly-he had been crying.

His cheeks were stained with tear lines. I know how hard this has been for him, he tries to act like he's fine, keeps telling me he's okay-but I know he's not.

"Someoka?" I looked down to see his eyes flutter open, I would have wiped his tears away but I knew I couldn't do that at the moment. I gave him a small smile and was about to walk off when he grabbed my hand "Um, I've decided that I need to look for a job. I know you wouldn't like, kick me out or something but I just think I've overstayed my welcome a bit. I want to save up a bit, so I can get my own place. I don't want to have to be dependent on you anymore-I'm an adult, I need to look after myself now. So if I get a job that's a start, then at least I can move out...move on...so you don't have to worry about me anymore." He spoke quietly, looking down the entire time, I frowned, lifting his chin so he was facing me.

"Han, you don't have to rush into something like that, you've been through a hell of a lot, just relax. We'll sort something out, I don't mind you staying here." He shook his head.
"But you would mind. Besides, this isn't going to stop unless I completely detach myself from you." I knew exactly what he meant, this whole 'keeping our distance' thing really wasn't working, he still had feelings for me...and I still had 'feelings' of some sort for him.

"So what are you thinking of?"
"Well I like books...and I saw that the library is looking for a new librarian..." I lifted my eyebrow, not intentionally, I just didn't expect that to be his answer. "I know it's not all that exciting but, I just think it will help. I need something to keep me busy and occupied, a bit of routine. It will be nice to just be able to enjoy some peace and quiet for a change."

He spoke so quietly, his eyes glassy and unfocused as if he was off in another land, he was though, in a way; didn't really seem all 'here' at times, I'd sometimes find him just sitting on the stairs, staring at the door, or other times he'd be staring out of the window, wouldn't answer when I asked him something, weird things like that. He needs to get out more, a job would help.

"I did try to get a job, when I was with Kaido I mean. Because I'm not a freeloader y'know?" He scratched his head awkwardly. "After a couple of months living with him I got a job in a kitchen, as a waiter but...well Kaido said I was no good at it. That I'd only mess things up." He gave me a soft, sad smile before lowering his head and playing with the blanket. "He kept saying it so much and I kinda lost my confidence- I was only there for a couple weeks before I quit, I barely made anything. Besides, Kaido didn't like that it meant I always got back late, and he hated the fact that I'd made a friend there. So I suppose it was inevitable..."

'That bastard' After everything I've heard, witnessed, there always seems to be more. If only I'd known about this sooner, if only I could've done something, if only he could've recognised the signs before-
He looked up again, breaking my train of thought and chuckled to himself "Sorry." He muttered before taking a deep breath "Um but yeah this new job,I've already applied. They said they'll give me a call sometime this week if I've been accepted." I nodded "Sounds good. By the way, I'm meeting Maria for dinner so I won't be back until late. I think she really likes me."
He just nodded politely before getting up "I'm glad you're making her happy Someoka."

(The next morning)
I don't know what happened. We were so fine yesterday, I hadn't said or done anything different, neither had he and yet... Handa pulled the duvet up a little higher to hide his face. I turned towards him, pulling the blanket away from him. "Handa, please tell me we didn't..." I knew we hadn't, but for some reason, hearing myself say those words just sounded like a lie, I needed him to tell me.

"We almost did...but then you stopped, because you knew what we were doing wasn't right..." I pulled a hand down my face; Maria had stood me up, and I was angry, that was my excuse. "I'm sorry Handa, I shouldn't have played with your feelings like that."
He turned on his side to face me, a somber smile adorning his features. "I knew it wasn't real...I just thought that maybe...I thought I could change your mind, but I know I can't do that, I need to stop trying."

I felt terrible. My phone buzzed and I groaned seeing it was a text from one of my colleagues "Ugh, I forgot we're doing editing today. Sorry Han I've got to go." Handa nodded, placing a warm hand on my bare chest. "You go, it's fine, I'll see you later."

(Handa)
I packed everything I owned, which wasn't a lot. It wasn't fine. I was a mess. This wasn't working, for as long as I stayed with Someoka I'd never be happy. I didn't want to have to go to such lengths, but he's the only other person I can trust.
"Hey Ro, I need a favour..."

I scrawled a note down on a post-it and stuck in on the table for Someoka to see when he got back. I took one more look back at the place I'd called home before finally walking out into the chilly morning.

After about ten minutes he pulled up, rolling the window down on his car "Hey babe."
I smiled and walked over, getting into the passenger side "Hi Ro." He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek.
"I'm sorry to have to call on you like this; you know I wouldn't have unless it was urgent."
He smiled "I know that, I told you I would always be there for you."
"About that..." I started, but I didn't know what to say-I didn't know if I just wanted us to stay friends or if...
"I get it. You don't have to explain, I know this must be tough for you." I smiled at him lightly "Thanks for understanding."

I walked into his home; immediately heading over to the plush sofa and plonking myself down on it exhaustedly. He laughed and joined me, resting his arm over my shoulder, bringing me closer to his body. It felt nice to finally be wanted by someone. I closed my eyes, the thought of Someoka holding me tight instead appeared. I pushed it away.

I spent hours there, just talking, having him listen, feeling his warm hands caress me soothingly. It was the most loved I'd felt in a long time. I couldn't shake the guilt though.
'But Someoka doesn't love you back, so why shouldn't you take this opportunity?'

We were kissing on the sofa when my phone rang, it was Someoka. I was going to just ignore it but Rowan just gave me a look-he knew I was my own worst enemy. I sighed and answered. "Handa! Where are you? I come back and you're gone!" Rowan's hands began to roam across my body.

"Someoka, I left a note." I wasn't bothered enough to tell him anymore than that, besides, I was only focused on Rowan now. There was a pause on the other end as I assumed he found and was reading the crappy note I left.

"What? Why? Handa I don't understand, I said I would look after you, please come back I'm so worried about you. Look, let's just forget about last night okay? We can make this work until you get your own place, you don't have to do something crazy like this!"

"Someoka, I'm not being crazy. I'm safe. I'm with a friend, there's nothing to worry about." I lightly pushed Rowan away, getting up slowly and walking into the next room. "You don't have any frien-where are you?! I'm so worried, I wasn't trying to push you away I promise! I didn't realise it was this bad, I should have known Handa, should have just talked to you."

"This isn't something either of us can fix Someoka, we messed up big time, I just...I don't know what to do anymore...I'm running out of options..." I could hear my voice breaking a little as I said those words. Rowan came up behind me; wrapping his arms tightly around my waist and burying his head into my neck.

"Oh Handa I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Just come home okay? I'll make you some tea and we'll have a talk, a proper talk alright?"
I sighed, maybe I had been too hasty about this. I turned around to face Rowan. "...Okay, I'll come back and we'll talk." I hung up without giving Someoka a chance to answer. I stared into Rowan's eyes, the man who cared so much about me, I felt so terrible for this. "Ro, I'm so sorry, I know I just got here but..I have to go...again."

"I know. I'd already figured that would be your answer. You really love him don't you?" He rubbed my waist soothingly.
"Yeah I do." It was a truth I couldn't hide anymore.
"But...if you're going back, don't forget...you said it yourself that he doesn't feel the same way about you-just promise me you two will fix this, please don't get so hung up on him again. And remember, I still love you Handa." He leaned in close, kissing my forehead chastely, I looked up into his beautiful hazel eyes.

"I know you do. Although...I feel as though this will be the last time I see you though..."
"I know. You'll move on, but that's fine, it's okay for that to happen." He brought his fingers through my hair lovingly. "It's just part of life. I would never expect us to last. You're free, you've always been free."

(Someoka)
The rain spattered against the roof tiles and windows as I waited for Handa to come back, it had been almost three hours since I called and he'd refused to answer any of my other calls or texts. All I could do was wait and hope he was actually going to come back. I heard the door bell go and practically sprinted to the door, opening it to reveal Handa who was standing there sopping wet with rain and shivering.

All I could think about was that night, when Kaido had kicked him out and he appeared on my doorstep, as the rain hammered down, begging me to help him. I couldn't stop myself; I pulled him into the house, holding him in a tight embrace, not caring that my clothes were getting damp. He wrapped his arms around my back and I could hear him sobbing quietly into my chest-we were both so overcome with emotion.

"I'm s-sorry for being late." He sniffed and looked up at me "But I have some good news..." I urged him to continue, noting the way the corners of his mouth formed the tiniest of smiles.
"I got the job. I start next week."
I smiled down at him brightly before remembering that we were still hugging. I let go of him awkwardly and he ran a hand through his damp hair "I'm gonna...take a shower, before I catch a cold." I nodded as he walked upstairs.

We didn't talk it out. I mean, I was going to but then, I saw...
It was such a small thing. It shouldn't have mattered. Handa looked at me in confusion, eyes following my gaze, a moment of panic. "Someoka, I-"
"It's cool, it's better this way you know?" I lied. He nodded slowly, walking off a moment later.

A hickey.

I know we're not dating but...it still hurt. Really hurt.

(The next morning)
(Handa)
"I thought you said you didn't care." I asked, sitting on Someoka's bed, watching as he picked out a shirt to wear. I knew something was wrong, he'd barely spoken to me since I got back last night. "Clearly, you do."
He pulled the shirt he was wearing off his shoulders harshly, throwing it angrily onto the bed in front of me. "I just, I can't believe you would just do that Handa?! Just leave without any notice and then come back with a- a-"
I gave him an incredulous look, raising my voice to match his. "Why do you think I left?! I couldn't stand all of this anymore it's like we're going in circles Ryuugo, I hate it!"

He grabbed another shirt, pulling it over his shoulders and walking over to me. He opened his mouth to say something but shut it quickly, muttering something under his breath. I sighed deeply, figuring I might as well tell him before he blows the whole thing out of proportion.
"Look, the guy's name is Rowan, he's a friend of Kaido's and-"
"-Kaido's?- How the fuck does that work Handa?!" He interrupted.
"Are you gonna let me finish?" I said tiredly, he huffed but let me continue. "Anyway, before you and I were even remotely a thing, there was Rowan. He would come round to Kaido's sometimes, when he wasn't there. We would...you know, spend time together. I felt safe with him. But I called it off as soon you and I started to get serious!"

"And he was just cool with that was he?" Someoka spat, buttoning his shirt as he fixed me with a steely glare.
"Yes! He's a very chill person. Anyway what does it matter, I ended up with you didn't I?" I replied. Why was he making this into a big thing- we weren't even together anymore, he was the one who wanted this!
"Okay then what about the hours where you just refused to answer your phone? Were you two screwing or something?"
"No!" I pleaded, feeling my cheeks burn with embarrassment. 'He's acting like Kaido, he's acting like him, he's acting like him-' I shook my head. "I was just...saying goodbye! And I was trying to reassess whatever the hell I was going to be coming back to!"

Someoka turned his back to me, looking for a tie. "That's not fair Han." He muttered and I laughed exasperatedly, I couldn't believe he was the one lecturing me about this.
"Not fair?! You know I really don't understand you Someoka! One minute you're telling me I need to stand on my own to feet, that you can't protect me, and then the minute I try to you get all jealous and want me to stay! Which is it?" I cried. He was the one being unfair, he was the one who said I needed to move on, he was the one who played with my heart and then rejected me like I meant nothing to him, he was the one who told me he loved me two nights ago- even though we both knew it was just another lie.

I exhaled deeply, drawing my knees up to my chest. I was so tired. All we do is argue, we never fix anything. "We can't carry on like this Ryuugo. I'm tired." I watched his shoulders slump a little, his movements slowing.
"We can't just be friends with benefits, but we can't be in a relationship either." I whispered, not sure if we could even be friends when all was said and done. He turned around to face me, his voice quiet too. "Then what do we do?"
"I don't know..." I answered truthfully, what could we do?

His phone rang, breaking the tension. It was Fubuki.
He was trying to act calm when he spoke but it was clear to me how excited he was from his body language. "He uh...said he's gonna be in Tokyo tomorrow, wondered if he could stop by here." He said when the call was over, a clear blush spreading on his cheeks. I avoided his gaze. "Do you want me gone, to be alone with him I mean?" I asked awkwardly. I wasn't stupid, I knew what that man meant to him, he talks in his sleep about Fubuki, cries to me about him, he's mistakenly called me that name on more than one occasion too.

It was better not to get in the way. "I could just...walk around or something? Or I could...ring up Ro-"
"-No. You're not doing that." He said quickly before sighing. "I mean...you can stay here. We don't have anything to hide, I'm not ashamed or anything."
I couldn't be bothered to argue back, just laid down on the bed when he said he needed to head to work.

(5.40pm)
I was making dinner when the doorbell went, I answered, expecting it to be Someoka. "Fubuki?"
He smiled brightly at me, putting down the handle of his suitcase. "Hi! I dropped by a day early to surprise Ryuugo!" He said as I awkwardly let him in. "Oh, well Someoka's still at work, but I'll let him know you're here."
He just smiled up at me from the genkan. "No problem!"

I went back to cooking. "You live here huh?" He asked, suddenly behind me, causing me to jump slightly. He leaned on the countertop, tucking some hair behind his ear. "How long?"
"Um...like eight months now?"
He beamed at me. "Wow! So you're used to all his habits huh?" He said with a small laugh, I laughed awkwardly "I guess so?"
What was with all the questions?
"You two dating?" He asked suddenly and I fumbled the salt in my hands. "W-why would you think that?"

He shrugged. "I just thought. You two are really close after all."
"Are we?" I answered, trying to recover my composure. He leaned back on the counter, looking up at the ceiling. "Well you two were close as kids right? Ryuugo used to always talk about you. He's got so many pictures of you two- Junior High, Middle, High School... I just assumed you were together." He stated matter-of-factly. I went a little red, I had no idea about any of that.
"So you aren't dating?"
"N-no uh..." I suddenly remembered Someoka's words, about not be ashamed. I sighed. "...Kinda? I guess? It's...complicated."

"How so?" He asked before stopping himself. "Ah! That's a bit personal, sorry! You don't have to tell me." He turned away as I concentrated back on the food; it was personal but...to be honest I to get it off my chest, I've had no one to talk about it with. I just wanted to vent. "I don't know what to think anymore..."
"Fallen out of love?"
"I suppose...I still really love him, but I know he doesn't feel the same. He may say it back but I know he doesn't mean it."

Fubuki sighed longingly, stealing a glance at the sunset peeking through the living room curtains. "It can be hard to know, with him. He's not the easiest to read, and he's pretty stubborn; but underneath all that is a caring and gentle man. I promise you. If he really loves you, you'll be able to tell." His reassurance didn't amount to much- how would I be able to tell, when we've both been pretending for so long?
Fubuki suddenly clapped his hands together. "But enough about that! I never even asked how you are!"

I just told him I was fine, so obviously a lie but he didn't press it. He peered over my shoulder before exclaiming happily "Ishikari Nabe! That's one of my favourites!"
I popped the salmon into the pot. "It is? Someoka's too, he asks me to make it from time to time." Fubuki nodded excitedly. "It's like you knew I was coming! This brings back memories, we used to go out to eat it together whenever he would visit me in Hokkaido."
My face fell. Of course, that was the reason. "Well it's a good thing I made lots then..."

I wanted to ask him about Gouenji, since I thought it only fair to bombard him with questions too; the Sun was setting behind us, causing the room to darken, but before I could ask we both heard Someoka pull up outside.
He appeared in the doorway, slightly flustered. "Where is he?" He asked breathlessly.
"Well he-"
"-Surprise!" Fubuki suddenly jumped up from behind the sofa, scaring both of us. How does he move around so quietly? After getting over the fright Someoka laughed loudly, giving the other a tight hug. "Oh Shirou it's so good to see you!" I couldn't help but feel a little left out.

I ate my dinner in relative silence as the two of them talked the whole way through; reminiscing, telling stories, making each other laugh.
There were one too many moments where I had to remind myself they weren't laughing at me.
Watching the two of them interact I couldn't believe how chill Fubuki was, considering their past; Someoka was like a completely different person, but it was obvious to me that he was still trying to flirt, it was hard to ignore the subtle hand touches, the way he pulled his arm around him when they laughed- maybe Fubuki was just oblivious?

It was late, and Fubuki was thinking of leaving when Someoka stopped him. "Why don't you stay here tonight, it's almost eleven after all?"
Fubuki shook his head, chuckling. "No it's fine, I'll just find a hotel. I wouldn't dream of intruding on you two."
"Hey now, I insist! It'd be a waste trying to get a hotel now. You're always welcome here Shirou!"
I sighed under my breath, I should've known this would happen. Fubuki swatted him away. "I couldn't possibly-"
Someoka grabbed me by the arm, dragging me forward. "It's no bother, seriously. We don't mind, do we Han?"

I gave him an incredulous look but decided it wasn't worth the protest- it would only make things more awkward between the three of us. "Sure." I answered flatly.

(One week later)
(Handa)

I took up the job. I remember, not even a full week had gone by; and my life was instantly changed, just by him walking in, walking into my life again, when I needed him most.
I hadn't noticed until he tapped gently on the desk.
"Hi."

I didn't think it was at all possible to fall in love with someone just by them saying something as simple as 'hi'. It seemed impossible- it's such an informal word, it's not a cosy 'hiya' or a warm 'hey', it's just so simple, as if the person just felt like saying it. But for some reason the simplicity was comforting to me; he could have asked me where I had been, why I had been ignoring him for years, but no. It was as if I had never left, as if I'd never ended our friendship, as if I hadn't been missing from his life for so long. He just wanted to say hi.

I just-just didn't know what to say. I've had Someoka on my mind for so long but he just showed up out of the blue.
Like it was fate. Destiny or something.
And then I just knew.
Knew it was finally over, everything, Rowan, Someoka, Kaido. All the lies and secrets, all the pain, gone. I could start afresh, this was my chance.

And I knew. I knew. That I could not screw this up. I just couldn't ruin everything now, ruin this opportunity. I had to do it right this time.
I can't mess up.

(Someoka)
I've messed up.

"Well um...Max he...said I could move in with him if I want." He smiled shyly at me, eyes finally getting their life back after so long. "That's... that's great really. I mean, you've been together for what, like a few weeks?" He wrung his hands, a smile still etched on his face, his voice quiet and soft "A month and a bit actually, but it doesn't feel like that, in honesty it feels as though I've known him my whole life-which I basically have."

He stuffed his hands into pocket, looking embarrassed for a moment. "He's such a dork, it's cute. He kept coming to the library and taking me out for dinner, did you know he's developing his own game?"
"No I uh, didn't know. Good for him."
I tried to smile but on the inside I was really hurting. Handa seemed to notice and asked me what was wrong, I didn't want to say it, but I knew it would feel better to tell him. I scratched the back of my head "Sorry, it's not you Handa, honestly I'm happy for you. It's just Maria, well it turns out she wasn't single; she was actually married-not that she seemed to mind. So yeah we're through. I'm not that kind of guy."

He walked up to me, reaching his hand out. Hesitating at first before landing it upon my shoulder "I'm sorry about that Someoka." I just sighed. He gave me another genuine smile "Nevermind, I know for a fact you'll make someone very happy someday."

'But I just want to make YOU happy Handa...' He removed his hand and instantly I missed his soft touch 'just think, if you hadn't decided to get rid of him for some girl he would have never reconnected with Matsuno, and he would still be yours...' I couldn't stand that, after everything, I was the one that was going to end up alone. I stopped when I felt him grab both of my hands, he stared at the floor, brown locks covering his chocolate eyes.

"Someoka...Let's not worry about all the what ifs now...what's happened has happened, and well...I believe that everything happens for a reason, we should just accept that...it'd be the best for both of us."

I wasn't too sure if I could accept that-not quite yet.

"Handa." I whispered and he looked up at me once more. I leant down and planted a small kiss on his cheek, my lips lingering on his skin before pulling away. I needed him right now, needed his comfort. I slowly placed a hand on each of his cheeks, enjoying the comforting feeling it had always brung me. Time seemed to slow as I connected our lips, savouring the feeling of his soft lips on mine for what I knew would be the last time. I felt his hands resting themselves on my chest, pushing against me softly- he didn't want this. Reluctantly I pulled away.

"I'm sorry Someoka, I know you don't mean it maliciously, it's just that I'm in a relationship now-so this would be cheating."
"Right right yeah you're right I'm sorry Handa." I sighed "Geez, I was a fool to let you go." He laughed a little, stroking my cheek "You weren't, it just wasn't meant for us; but when you know, you just know." He turned away, walking off a bit before turning back to me "Someoka...thank you, thank you...for setting me free and for letting me experience love again..."

But I couldn't fathom it.
He was leaving me.
I was alone.

No.
It's no fair.
I couldn't let that happen.

•••••••••

"What are you doing up?"
I didn't turn, still staring out of the window, looking up at the inky black sky. "Nothin' just nightmares...I guess..." I mumbled.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine Max. Go back to bed, I'll be there in a minute."
There was no answer.
I turned a little, peering into the darkness, but there was nothing. I turned around fully. "Max?" I whispered. There was nothing, no movement, no sound other than my own frantically beating heart.

"Shit." I muttered and turned back around. My head was starting to pound. 'It's not real, it's not real'
"Are you okay?"
I shook my head. "Go away...please." I pleaded
"Are you okay?" Someoka's voice. Right next to my ear. I shut my eyes tighter. "Please, please go away!" I begged, feeling his breath on my neck, the touch of his fingers on my skin.
"Are you really okay?"
"I-" The hands rested themselves on my shoulders, rubbing slowly as I struggled to breathe. "I- I'm not okay..." I whispered, tears forming in my eyes as the voice spoke again, the hands moving slowly down my back, ice-cold fingers tracing my spine. "I know. I know...you're safe with me...I'll protect you..."
It was too much, too much, I just wanted it to end and-

"What are you doing up?"
Max.
I opened my eyes with a start and whipped around. The shadows leapt across the room, but they didn't settle on him. He stepped closer, his face being illuminated by the moonlight. "Are you okay, can't sleep?" He asked, tiredness in his voice.
I struggled to find my voice, only being able to nod shakily. Finally, my voice appeared. "I'm fine. I'll be up in a minute."

He turned and sleepily wandered off.
"I-I love you Max."
He stopped, rubbing his eyes "Uh. I love you too?" He replied, I lowered my head. "I just wanted you to remember that."