((CW: mature themes))

The Closest Thing To Crazy~ Katie Melua

(Handa)
I woke up as I usually did, everyday, in Someoka's bed. The other side of the bed was still warm, so I knew he must have only got up recently-that's not too bad, although I do sometimes wish I could wake up next to him, it's not as though he has to get up early for work or something since he works from home most days.

Yawning a little, I rose out of bed, opening the curtains and letting the warm sun bathe my tired face. It was such a lovely day. I couldn't help but smile-I was just so happy.
It's been almost three months now, three months since I left Kaido and started my new life with Someoka. A new life with someone who actually cares for me, who loves me.

We're together now, properly, no more hiding, sneaking, worrying about being found out. I don't have to worry about anything, ever again.
'Together...just together...'
...Well...I mean he's not called me his boyfriend in a while, I can't really remember when, perhaps it was a month ago? He just stopped using it, I didn't press him on it though, it's fine with me- he doesn't really need to say it because I know what I mean to him, and what he means to me. I suppose I do miss him saying it slightly, it always used to make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, proud really.

If I'm honest...I miss our dates too, they were always so special; though I suppose he has been rather busy lately, he's taken on so much at work. I keep telling him he should ask for a promotion for the work they pile on him, he deserves it. He's working so hard for the two of us. Maybe if he gets a promotion we could celebrate with a meal! We haven't done that in so long, maybe we could go to Buccelli's again, it's been a month since we ate out together; the last time we went he decided we should leave before dessert, wouldn't tell me why.

But really I'm fine with the way things are! I couldn't be happier!
'Stop lying. All you do now is lie in bed worrying. You're worried he's gotten bored of you, or worse, that he's just toying with you, like Kaido was.'
I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts. Lies. I shouldn't listen. My stomach rumbled suddenly and I smiled, making my way downstairs, I needed to see Someoka.

"Mornin'" I stated sofly, hugging Someoka around the waist "Oh good morning, I was just about to wake you up."
"Hmm, that smells good." I replied, staring hungrily down at the breakfast he'd prepared. Someoka turned and smiled before placing a small kiss on my forehead "Spanish omelette-viola." I laughed a little "That's French I'm afraid." He had a confused look on his face, scrunching his nose up, so cute.
"No, it's Spanish, that's why it's called a Spanish-"
"Oh you're so cute sometimes Someoka." I said, giggling to myself at how confused he was. He simply folded his arms "Hey I ain't cute!"

"Whatever, let's just eat." I huffed jokily, sitting down at the table. He came over and placed a large portion in front of me-I smiled a little, he always makes me the biggest portion. I'm slowly getting back to a healthy weight.
"So what's with all the Spanishyness lately?" I asked, he's been cooking lots of Spanish food the last week or so, not to mention bought a bunch of Spanish books and he goes to this little Spanish class once a week. I mean, I'm happy he's decided to learn a new language but this is getting...odd.

"What? Oh...I'm just trying to you know, live the culture...it uh, is supposed to help a lot." He quickly shovelled some of the remaining tortilla into his mouth before I could ask him anything more. I frowned a little.

After breakfast I headed upstairs to have a nice long bath whilst he got to work. Bundled up in Someoka's fuzzy white dressing gown I made my way downstairs, just to see if he wanted a hand with anything. He was busy watching TV, having abandoned his laptop on the table and it was clear he didn't know I was there. I decided to sneak up on him. I was almost within pouncing range when something caught my eye.

See, Someoka, he works for this newspaper company-he's a journalist-but it's really not that reputable a company. I don't really like them all that much, especially since everyone knows that most of their stories are made up or highly baited. But that's his job so I didn't really mind. Until now.

'Beaten. Abused. And by the one he loved and cared about the most.' I felt my body begin to shake, the walls I'd built up so carefully begin to crumble down around me. I quickly scanned the article, a million thoughts and feelings rushing through my mind. It was about me, me! Although Someoka at least had the decency to make me nameless, as well as Kaido. The same words kept appearing throughout the drafted article; Monster, Love, Purpose.

There were 'quotes' from me as well- all the things I had said to Someoka, my deepest, darkest and most personal outpourings of my heart that I'd told him in complete confidence.
"I'm in so much pain, every part of me hurts, it's unbearable. No matter what I try and do, what I try and say he always hurts me. He says it's my fault, that I make him angry."
"I can't see a way out of it. What can I do? I wouldn't dare leave him, I'm terrified of what he'd do to me..."

Every last detail of what my life with Kaido had been like, everything he'd ever said and done to me. "He pushed me down the stairs once, he said I was in his way. I fractured my wrist and he had to take me to the hospital. He told the doctors that I'd tripped and fell, he said I had problems too, that he was looking after me because I couldn't look after myself. They believed him."

I felt so sick. There was even a picture, a picture that I remembered Someoka had taken once when he was trying to convince me to leave Kaido; my back, littered with purple bruises, under it was a small caption 'beaten black and blue as a sign of love.' I wrapped my arms around my body tightly, feeling so unbelievably vulnerable.

"W-what is this?" Someoka turned around, eyes first wavering to the laptop and then to me. "Uh you-you weren't meant to...see that." He stated almost nonchalantly, getting up quickly and grabbing the laptop off of me before attempting to run upstairs, but I held him back. "W-why would you write s-something like this Someoka?"

He turned around, frowning guiltily. "I...look I was just trying to raise awareness about domestic abuse, what is so wrong with that? I just used you because you've experienced it."
I shook my head, trying to hold back tears. "That doesn't mean you can just tell the whole world about it without my consent! B-besides you called him a monster Someoka!-"

"Because that's what he is Handa! How can you honestly believe that a man that treated you like that; verbally and physically abused you, did horrific things to you, could have ever, ever possibly loved you! Why can't you see that Handa?! Why would you never call the police on him?"

My whole body was beginning to shake "S-stop it please! Don't say t-those words! Don't say them!"
'He's saying the truth, you can't deny it. You can't just act like it didn't happen. You just can't accept the fact that YOU let Kaido do that to you. This is all your fault.' I felt a tear slide down my cheek-a sensation I was so used to by now. Someoka looked me in the eyes angrily before taking hold of my shoulders and shaking me vigorously. "What the hell is wrong with you Handa?! I begged and begged you to call the police- we had evidence!"
"Evidence!" I scoffed, more tears falling from my eyes.
"Yes!" He yelled, grabbing my wrists tightly. "That giant fucking bruise under your eye, on your arms, your back, stomach, legs-every inch of you was black and blue!"

I wrestled against him, his grip was so tight, too tight. 'Please let go of me, please let go!'
I grit my teeth, how many times did I need to say it before he understood? "Don't you think I tried that?! They didn't fucking care Someoka!"
"Look son, we're real busy at the moment."
"Domestics aren't our area."
"Why don't you just leave him?"
He shook his head, pulling me even closer to him. "What do you mean they didn't care? It's their fucking job Handa!"

I pushed back against him, feeling my anger bubble to the surface. "You're such a fucking idiot, you don't understand anything!" I yelled, pulling myself out of his grip. He laughed with exasperation at me. "Oh I'm an idiot? At least I'm not like you, still unable to see that man for who he really was? You still don't get it do you? You still want to forgive him, after everything he did. You're crazy Handa, he belongs in Prison!" I just saw red, I couldn't control myself, as soon as I saw the bright red mark on his cheek; my eyes widened and I backed away in fear, worried he would hit me back.

"Oh God, please don't hurt me, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to do that!"
He looked back at me before sighing, opening his mouth to speak. "I'm not going to hurt you Han. I was the one that rescued you. I cared about you when nobody else did." He let out another long sigh "Do you still have feelings for him, honestly?"
I couldn't give him an answer, I just didn't know anything anymore.

He huffed in annoyance, pulling a hand down his face "Well now I know then. I can't help you Handa."
I bit my lip, more tears falling now. "Don't you understand how difficult this is for me? There's a small part of me that's so desperately trying cling on to Kaido, that little part of me who hates myself, who still believes I'm as worthless as he always said I was. I am trying so hard Someoka, to let him go but it's just so difficult for me to do on my own!"

I tugged at my hair frustratedly. "I just can't let go, no matter how much I tell myself what an evil man he is, how little I meant to him, part of me is still trying to cling on. Do you honestly think I want to still be thinking about him? Fuck it's been three months already and it still feels like a dream, every morning I have to pinch myself in case I turn around and that awful man is lying next to me! Trust me, I wish I could move on but..." The hand in my hair relaxed, falling down to my side. "You must think I'm crazy that I don't know how love works or that it's actually what I want. But it's not. I just want to move on but I can't. I tell myself that I'm safe here, that I'm happy, but every time you leave I'm filled with such a terrible fear. Worried that I'm going to end up in Kaido's arms again!"

I tried to calm my breathing, already feeling myself starting to lose a hold. I couldn't calm down though, my voice just kept on rising. "It's not easy Someoka and you're being unreasonable if you think all the trauma I've been through is just gonna vanish! You can't think that Someoka, it's not fair!"
"Handa..." he muttered and I could feel my heartbeat race even faster. "I just want to feel normal for once! Is that too much to ask? I never wanted any of this, I never wanted to be like this! I just wanted a normal life!" I yelled, body shaking uncontrollably.

The floodgates opened and I just broke down crying, everything just seemed so bleak at that moment. Then I felt his comforting arms around me; I continued to cry pathetically into his shirt, grasping uselessly at the material. I felt like I was falling through the ground, I couldn't stand, my legs felt like lead. "I'm sorry Handa, please, please don't cry."

I sniffed, looking up at him as he wiped away a few of my tears. After I'd calmed down a little I lifted my body up on my tiptoes, capturing his lips in a kiss that was all passion. He kissed back, arms around my waist as my own anchored themselves around his neck, I was in sheer bliss-until he pulled away suddenly, face downcast and eyes trained to the floor. He quickly pushed me away, rubbing his neck. Something was wrong.

Neither of us spoke for a moment, until I decided to take a step, a step that I never wanted to have to ask; but knew that right now, was the most important question. I had to know.
"Someoka. What are we?"

(Someoka)
No. Not this. Not now. Anything but that. I didn't want to answer him, because I knew he would hate the answer I gave. "Well I mean..." I didn't want him to cry again, but I knew he would.

"Someoka, don't you love me?" His voice wavered as he said those words, I bit my lip, placing my hands on his cheeks, rubbing soft circles into them. "...Handa...you know how much I care about you-"
"That's not what I asked Someoka." He continued to stare up at me, eyes not leaving mine. I tried to look away but he tugged on my shirt- the way a child would. I turned back to him and the look on his face just broke my heart. "B-but you said that- you said we were in a relationship? You called me your boyfriend, didn't you?"
I tried to give some sort of explanation-but nothing would come out.

He sniffed, chocolate brown eyes welling up again. "There's someone else, isn't there? You're replacing me."

My mouth felt so dry, I didn't know what to tell him. I couldn't lie to him. "I'm sorry Handa-" He shook his head. "No please don't...don't say that...please tell me that I'm just being paranoid!"
I sighed, knowing I had to come clean. "You're not being paranoid Han, I meant to tell you, honestly I did... I just wasn't sure how to. I didn't have the words."
He shook his head desperately, mumbling my name.

"There's this woman, Maria, who's just joined the company. She doesn't speak a lot of Japanese so I've just been learning Spanish to try and get to know her is all, but now I'm starting to really like her...and it turns out she likes me too. I promise it wasn't serious at first-"

"-At first?!" He cried. I held onto his hands, trying to calm him down, he was shaking like a leaf. "Please understand Handa, it's nothing you did wrong, okay? I wanted to tell you, I really did, please believe me. I wanted to but...I knew you would get upset, and I just couldn't bare to see you like that. I didn't want to hurt you I just wanted to...break it to you slowly..." I exhaled deeply, squeezing his hands tightly. I didn't want to say it, but I knew I had to, I couldn't keep lying anymore. "Handa..." I said as softly as I could. "I'm so sorry."

He pulled his hands away from mine, wrapping his arms protectively around himself like he used to always do. He didn't say anything for a while; just kept shaking his head and mumbling under his breath. I tried to reach out to him but he flinched under my touch, eyes watering before he spoke, voice quiet but with such a fierce anger in those eyes. I'd never seen him like this.

"Have you kissed yet?"
"Not exactly..." We hadn't so much kissed as she had kissed me.
"Did you tell her you had a boyfriend?"
I rubbed the back of my neck. It had all happened so fast, the details, they just got missed out-
He balled his hands into fists and his eyes darkened, voice trembling with each word. "Or do you not consider me that anymore? Do you just see me as a guy that you sleep with perhaps?"
'That's not fair.'
I sighed deeply. "Handa you know I care about you, so much-"

"-Do you still love me?" He asked, cutting me off. I sighed again, trying to pick my words carefully- not wanting to upset him. "Handa...I really care about you..."
"Do you love this woman?" He asked, barely reacting to what I'd said. I walked up to him slowly. "I...I'm not sure yet, but I do really like her." I told him truthfully. He narrowed his eyes. "Is she pretty?"
"Come on, what does that have to do with anything?" I replied in frustration- what kind of a question was that?! He stared up at me with his chocolate brown eyes, his voice so terribly low. "You know, public you and private you are two very different people."

(Handa)
"I kept track." It was important to keep track of these things, I always had with Kaido. Someoka just looked down at me, confused. "What?"
"I just told you- I keep track. Because it's important. Because you've been oh-so loving with me since we got together, told me you loved me, last night even. But in public you're a completely different person."
His eyes betrayed him. He knew exactly what I was talking about.

"You stopped calling me your boyfriend, stopped taking me out on dates; in fact the last time we went to Buccelli's you didn't even let me eat dessert. You said we had to go. No explanation. Except...when we were leaving I happened to spot Kazemaru and Endou pulling up- were you trying to avoid them? You weren't...embarrassed to be seen with me were you?" I didn't even realise it at the time, it was only after we got back that I realised what was going on. He put his hands up quickly. "I-I can explain that."

I carried on, undeterred. "We barely go out at all now, we used to go to the park remember? Because you said the fresh air would be good for me. And you used to hold my hand. A month ago I asked to hold your hand in the park, and you did. But then five minutes later your hand was back in your pocket, and I felt like I couldn't even stand next to you anymore, you didn't even notice that I'd fallen back. You wouldn't kiss me. And yet, just yesterday you were full of kisses.

We do everything that normal couples do when you're home; everything that I wanted to be able to do with Kaido, everything you offered me." I came close to him, staring up into his eyes. I wasn't imagining it, this was serious and I needed him to acknowledge it.
"Ryuugo, are you comfortable with your sexuality?"

Someoka rolled his eyes at me. "I'm not doing this right now." He turned away, storming off in frustration. He put one foot on the stairs. "You're upset, so I'm gonna go upstairs until we both calm down. I'm not escalating this further."
'Escalating?!' I felt my body shake with anger as he ascended the stairs. He wanted me to calm down? So we can 'talk like proper adults' or something? After he basically told me he's been seeing someone else?! "You're not being fair Ryuugo, nothing about this is fair!" I cried, wanting to go after him but finding myself glued to the spot.

"You promised me things would be different!"

I saw his hand tighten against the bannister.
"What?" He turned to face me, and suddenly within the blink of an eye he came right up close to me, mouth twisted into a snarl. My heart rate picked up, my chest feeling tight. "What the hell did you just say? I am not the same as that monster. Don't you ever say that again, do you hear me Handa? You went too far, crossed a line." My heart began to beat frantically. 'No I- I didn't m-mean that I just-' "How could you compare me to someone like him, when I was the one who rescued you from that situation?! When I was the one who taught you how to love yourself?! All I've ever done is try to help you- is that not enough Handa?!"

'Wait... wait please!' "I-I'm s-so-" I couldn't speak, I tried, desperately, to reach out for him as he walked away. "Someoka please! I'm r-really sorry, I didn't mean it!" 'No no! I'm sorry , forgive me!' I couldn't stop panicking, my chest felt so tight, so heavy. "No don't go please- I'm sorry!" I stumbled towards him, wanting to hold him, wanting to be held like before. "D-don't abandon me, please!" My legs gave way as I held onto his clothes, begging him not to leave me.

"I'm sorry! I fucked up, but I'll make it up to you!" I yelled. He was trying to pull me off him but I just held tighter, I needed him to listen, he had to listen! "You're all that I need, w-we could be perfect together you know, j-just fine I'm sure of it, you r-really don't have to go!" Tears streamed from my eyes. My heart was beating like crazy.

"I know I'm not perfect but I could change Someoka-I could! I'll listen to you a-and do whatever you want, go wherever you want, I'll never ever complain again, w-we uh we could get married o-or start a family!" My breathing was getting ragged. I couldn't feel my fingers, even though I knew they were gripping so so tight. "I-I'll go to Italy with you, like you wanted! Whatever you want I'll do it in a heartbeat if it means we can be together!" My body felt so hot, I could hear the blood pumping in my ears. It was so deafening. Someoka was shouting down at me, trying to pry my fingers away; his eyes were so wide, he looked...terrified, and his mouth was moving but I could hardly hear a thing. It was so loud.

I felt like I couldn't breathe, like the air was getting caught.
My chest felt so tight.
"It hurts-"
My hand flew to my chest, squeezing the fabric of the dressing gown.
"-my heart-"
I was falling through the floor again. I couldn't feel my legs, everything was numb. Everything was so loud. Someoka was shouting again, he was shaking me. My head felt so light. There wasn't enough air.

"Take it slow, breathe with me Handa."

The numbness was beginning to subside.

"1...2...3...4...5"

Just like that, slow and gentle.

"You're doing great, just breathe okay?"

"I'm right here with you."

His voice sounded so gentle, so soothing; I'd never heard anything like it.

"You can do this."

I could feel my heart rate slow. It wasn't so loud anymore.

"And out..2...3...4...5"

"I know you're scared right now but I'll keep you safe."

I felt my hand being squeezed.

"You're going to be okay."

I finally came too, the last bits of dizziness slowly fading away. Everything was clear again. He was fanning me with a tea towel as I lay across his knees, his other hand squeezing my own tightly. When I looked up at him his eyes were full of relief, though he looked as though he was about to cry. A lot of the colour was drained from his face.
"Fuck, you scared me."
I was still holding onto the dressing gown with my free hand, loosening the grip I tried to recall what had happened. All I could remember was talking to him then...I was on the floor.

I tried sitting up but Someoka wouldn't let me and pushed me gently down instead. "You just had a panic attack. I was about to phone for an ambulance." He let out a shaky breath. "That was scary." He muttered before bringing me close to him, burying his face in my chest. I squeezed his hand tightly.

"Fubuki used to get these anxiety attacks sometimes..." Someoka explained softly as I slowly drank some water. It had been about ten minutes. He leaned back into the sofa cushions. "Scared the shit out of me the first time I saw it...going so pale like that, crying and shaking..." He looked over at me "Over time I learnt what you're supposed to do." He explained, voice still carrying that soft and gentle tone. I looked into the glass solemnly. "I hadn't seen one for so long, kinda caught me off guard. I'm sorry."

"Were you scared?"
"Yes." I whispered. I'd never had a panic attack before, but I had come close, that day Kaido threw me to the floor. I remember feeing such an indescribable feeling, like the world was ending, curled up on the floor cold and completely numb. I hadn't known that was what it was called. There had been no one there to help me that time. I just had to wait for it to pass, feeling like my heart was going to burst out of my chest.
Someoka nodded and sat back, arms crossed behind his head. A couple minutes of silence rolled by before I finally spoke up.

"This is a mess."

I couldn't deny it anymore, as much as I had wanted to paint this picture-perfect idyll of my relationship with Ryuugo it was clear there were deep problems. It wasn't fair. I felt his hand on my thigh, rubbing it gently; I looked over at him, feeling just completely empty, like nothing mattered anymore. He looked down at the ground before connecting his eyes with mine, that sweet expression still on his face. "In the last year of high school there was that rumour, that you had a crush on me. It spread like wildfire." He muttered. I didn't need to reply, he knew I remembered it. "Was it true?" He asked, turning to face me properly, something like regret in his eyes.

I shrugged my shoulders "Kinda, yeah. I didn't want to admit to myself I was gay, but I..." It felt like such a long time ago, I couldn't understand why he was bringing it up now, it didn't matter.
"What about Matsuno?" He asked and I chuckled sadly. "Max never cared about anything like that, he found the whole concept of dating stupid. You and I have been friends since junior high, I dunno I guess I just felt very close to you...I wanted to be closer." I drew my knees up to my chest, my voice dropping "But obviously that was never going to happen. You only had eyes for him."

The hand on my thigh moved, now instead being placed on the side of my face. Only making my heart ache even more.
"Handa-"
"-No, it's okay." I replied, trying to smile at him. "I know how much he meant- means- to you." A pained laugh left my lips. "I know how much it must hurt to see him with someone else." Someoka's face fell and I was ashamed to admit it but it always made me feel a little better, I wasn't the only one in pain. "I've always known I was his replacement. I didn't mind it so much, because at least it gave me the chance to be with you. So I suppose I can't be sad that you're replacing me again. I was never your first choice."

Someoka shook his head furiously "Handa, that's not fair. I do...like you, I always have."
"What do you mean?"
He shook his head again, looking away from me "Urgh I don't know what I mean, it's not as simple as I thought, we both have adult lives and well..."
I reached out to him, placing my hand on his shoulder "...It got complicated."
"Yeah..." This wasn't like high school dating; we were both going through so much shit and maybe it just...got in the way of proper communication, understanding what we both wanted. Maybe it was destined to fail.

I sighed deeply. "I wonder, if I just told you how I felt back in high school instead of being afraid, maybe things would've been different." I removed my hand from his shoulder, hugging my knees again. His hand was still on my cheek, the warmth radiating through my body and yet I still felt cold. "Maybe." He whispered.
"You know I never thanked you, for keeping my secret, with Kaido I mean. Now that I look back on it, you coming across me in that book shop was a miracle in disguise." After feeling so scared and isolated for so long, I knew I could trust him.

"I don't think I would've had the courage to tell anyone what was happening outright, but with you I knew I was safe, that I could trust and count on you." I could feel a lump starting to form in my throat, like I would cry, my emotions were finally returning again.
He leaned up close to me, grabbing both of my hands, a terrible look of guilt on his face. "I wanted to protect you at first, I felt like I owed you that, as your friend. I don't know I suppose I just didn't think it through, how difficult it might get. It's like...we found each other at simultaneously the best and worst possible times."

My heart sank, there it was, the awful truth. It was so cruel, so unfair. We needed each other, to fill voids, to heal. Now he wanted something different, he wanted a life. Maybe I was too much for him? Maybe I wasn't ready? 'You've just gotten out of a terrible situation, you need time to process all that.' I accept things too easily, say yes without hesitation. I needed to heal.

"I'm sorry." He whispered, sounding so devastated. He moved closer to me, pushing my knees down. "I'm so sorry. God, I'm so sorry. I hurt you so bad. I should've said something sooner I just-" His voice wobbled as he spoke. I was tired of hearing him say it, apologising made it real. "-We were too busy pretending, avoiding the elephant in the room." I admitted. The longer we put up the charade the more in love with him I became. Unable to see the cracks.

He rested his head in the crook of my shoulder, hesitantly wrapping his arms around my waist. I wrapped my own around his back, embracing him tightly and feeling the tears starting to fall from my eyes. This was the end for us.
"At least..." I whispered through the quiet sobs "...for the little time we had together I felt loved, I felt...normal."