"Hey, it's me again. I'm really worried about you, you're not answering my texts, can you call me back?"
"Hey, I came to see you today but I guess you weren't in. Call me when you get this."
"Did I do something wrong? If I did I'm really sorry."
"Sorry, I don't mean to sound so clingy. If something's the matter, if you need some space please just let me know."
"Hey. I just wanted to say that I love you so much and I really miss you. I don't know what I did wrong but I promise I'll fix it, can you just call me ba-"

I turned it off. I couldn't listen to him anymore, him asking if he'd done something wrong. I was the one who'd messed up.

I opened the curtains and stared out at the beautiful inky black of the night sky, the stars were only just beginning to appear one by one, glistening against the rubies of my eyes. I looked down at my phone, it was nearly two o'clock.

"Aw Afuro really? Matsumoto?! After what he did to you? How could you do something so stupid?!" I winced at my friend's harsh tone but was too tired to argue back. I'd left out the part where I'd gotten blind-drunk and...what he'd done after that. I just told him we slept together.
I suppose it made the story sound worse to him, because then it would be like I chose to be with Matsumoto. But the truth was just too difficult, I was too ashamed. I'd rather Fubuki think I'm an idiot then know what really happened.

He seemed to calm down a little, the tiredness now much more prominent in his voice. "Okay I'm sorry for yelling. You need to tell him though."
"Yeah...I will." I heard him sigh heavily on the other end. "When Afuro? You can't just keep ignoring him, you two are official now. Don't you think he'll be worried sick?"
I felt sick at the thought of telling him.
"Afuro, he's going to think you ghosted him or something."

I shook my head at the thought, knowing first-hand how frustrated and upset I'd been all the times I was ghosted. 'He's going to think it's because he's a dad, he's going to think you were just playing him, that you didn't actually care for him.'
"I know, I'm sorry. I was stupid okay? I'm just scared-" he cut me off, his voice was now stern and blunt. "Please stop with the pity party already. I know how much you care about this man, and how much he cares about you. You don't need the pity, what you need is to get off your ass and go to him, tell him how you feel about him, tell him that you're sorry-don't go telling me that you're sorry, I don't want to hear it. "

I forgot Fubuki could be like this, when he's really passionate about something, when it's something important. He's normally such a sweet and quiet guy but when he gets fired up, it's a sight to see I'll say that much. I think the last time was...back in uni, when I was going through a tough time thanks to a certain someone... I'd never seen Fubuki like that before, and I never realised how much I needed him in those years...
I really messed up...

I shook my head, trying not to think about it anymore. "I don't want him to be angry."
Fubuki tutted on the other end. "It's always better to tell the truth, even if it hurts. He deserves the truth Afuro."
He was right, Arata deserved the truth, even if it meant him...breaking up with me.
"Yeah..." I replied sulkily, I was tired of this conversation.
"Swear it! Swear you'll tell him the truth, no white lies."

"No white lies, the truth." I mumbled, Fubuki interrupted me, voice sounding light again.
"-and if you do not do that, you shall have to swallow a thousand needles." Clearly he was trying to bring a sense of levity to the situation- it wasn't helping.

What if he can't forgive me, what if he never wants to see me again? This could my last serious relationship. 'He might...not be so angry, he doesn't seem like the type to shout and scream-'
'-but what you did...how could he possibly forgive you for that?! He won't, you've lost him Afuro, lost him forever...'
I couldn't help but let my subconscious veer towards the latter, I needed the worst-case scenario, just in case. I cut the phone and walked over to the door; not bothering to change out of my pyjamas or to fix my messy hair, before jumping into the car and driving off to Arata's.

'Oh God, Oh God, no I shouldn't be here, this is such a bad idea! I'll just go, he's probably tucked up in bed anywa-'
My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the door creaking open slowly; an exhausted face with messy fuchsia hair peeked out at me, eyes squinting in the darkness. I wanted to run, wanted to just leave and never come back, but I just couldn't seem to move.

"Afuro? Is that you? What do you want, it's almost three in the morning?"
I opened my mouth to speak-I'd already prepared a long speech in the car, all I had to do now was deliver it. Arata opened the door a little more and rubbed his eyes tiredly. "Do you want to come in? It's cold out."

I took a deep breath, following my boyfriend inside. He offered me a seat, but I didn't take it- I wasn't planning on staying. "Um is Josie asleep?" I asked, even that was obvious. He nodded tiredly and rubbed his neck. He was too quiet. Did he somehow know? Could he sense my guilty conscience?

I just sighed, there was no point waiting around anymore, might as well just tell him the truth. My boyfriend walked over to me, his tiredness now being overtaken by worry, I took another deep breath, trying to steady myself as much as I could.
"I'm sorry."
It was all I could muster, Arata looked at me with a mixture of confusion and surprise. My mouth felt dry.

"I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry..." Tears began to prick at my eyes but I refused to let them fall-I was done with crying about my problems, I needed to fix this.
"Hey..." Arata said softly, coming close to me and wrapping his arms around me. "It's okay, you don't have to cry...I was just worried about you, did something happen?-"
"-Weren't you listening?! I'm sorry okay!" I suddenly shouted, his eyes widened slightly and he pulled away from me but he didn't say anything. 'What was that for! You're supposed to be telling him the truth already, just stop beating around the bush and get out with it already you coward!'
I tried. But all I could manage to do was to keep repeating that same word over and over again.

He patted my shoulder, concern on his face. "Hey you don't have to keep apologising, you're here now. Is it something I can help with?" He asked, thumbing the tears away from my eyes.
I stamped my foot in annoyance. Why couldn't I just say it! It was driving me crazy.
"Unless..." He suddenly stiffened up, eyebrows furrowing with worry. "Um, are you apologising because you're breaking up with me?"

I shook my head desperately, holding onto his hands as he averted his gaze from me. "No, no Shimozuru!" I pleaded, trying to turn him to face me. He looked so distraught. "I-if anything, you should be the one breaking up with me!" His eyes softened and he quickly took hold of my hands, his touch so warm and comforting. "Oh Afuro..." he muttered, placing one hand on my cheek. "I wouldn't break up with you just because you're going through something troubling. I'm your boyfriend, I'm here to support you!"
My face crumpled as more tears fell from my eyes. This man is too thoughtful.

"No it's not- that's not!" I scrunched my eyes up. "I...I did a bad thing...something terrible."
"What?"
"I'm so sorry, so sorry Arata." I had to stop to take a breath. His eyes showed interest as well as great concern, but I knew if I stopped now I would end up burying the truth forever, I would never be able to forgive myself.

"I did something really stupid." I whispered, tugging on my hair anxiously. Shaking my head I mustered up the courage to speak again. "I need to explain." I just needed to get it all out at once. "Okay okay so, do you remember back at the ice rink? That guy you met-he was my ex." Arata nodded.
"Things ended badly between us, because he cheated on me. He was my first 'proper' boyfriend at the time, and it hurt so much. Ever since him I've only ever had flings, or relationships that would last days, a week at most. Then I met you..." I looked up into his eyes, knowing that I needed to be genuine, even if it was painful.

"He knew I had a new boyfriend, but he kept pestering me until I told him where to go." My heart started to beat a little faster as I recalled the detail. "Then I bumped into him again. But he just kept going on and on about how sorry he was, how he just wanted my forgiveness so he could move on. I wanted to believe that he had changed, that maybe we could be friends, start over. Because I realised, I haven't been able to move on since that day either. I just wanted it over."

I felt him rub my hands softly. "It didn't go well. We fought. He left. I drank. Tried to drink away the emotions I was feeling; I didn't want to feel anything anymore, because I couldn't understand what was going on in my head, and I didn't want to understand. Just forget and move on. I was drunk when he found me again. He kissed me and told me he loved me. I said it back, told him I needed him; but it was you I needed Arata. You make me feel alive, safe, loved-I was just lying to myself, refusing to let go of the past.

He slept with me. In the morning he was gone.

I've never felt so worthless, so angry. I was angry at myself, for being so easily swayed, for letting my emotions cloud my judgement." A tear slid down my cheek as I hurriedly wiped it away. "He broke my heart back then, and now I realise...I've done that to you too, when you were only ever kind to me. That same hurt and pain I felt that day, it's doubled now. I've gone and hurt someone who..." I struggled to speak, holding back more tears as my heart begged me not to say those words, begged me to lie.

"Someone who...I think...I really love." I couldn't deny it anymore. I was in love...finally. I stared deeply into his misty grey eyes. "For the first time since Matsumoto, I've found someone I can truly say that I am in love with. Not a passing fancy, not a crush, actual love." The hot tears quickened their pace, falling down my face with tremendous speed. I pulled my hands out of his grip, placed them on either side of his face. "And the irony is, that now when I've finally found that love...I've gone and destroyed it, just like before..."

My hands fell from his face, missing the warmth of his skin immediately.

"I don't deserve you Arata, I don't deserve anyone. I didn't come here to try and beg for your forgiveness I just wanted you to know the truth. I never wanted to hurt you. I'm sorry."

He stared at me, not saying anything at all. I could feel the air becoming stale. "I think...I've overstayed my welcome." With that I turned to leave, to leave Arata and Joseline's life forever when I suddenly felt a small tug on my arm.

A single tear slid down my cheek and I cursed under my breath. "Arata, just let me leave, please."
"No, please don't go." His voice was so soft, concern laced throughout, but no anger. Just that same caring tone I knew so well.
"Didn't you hear what I said? I cheated on you didn't I, so it has to be over between us." I said tearfully, the words striking me like cuts from a knife.
He spoke again, his voice drawing me in, making me look at him. "I will admit I was a little shocked."

His expression matched his voice- concerned but not angry, I couldn't understand it, he should be angry.
"I messed up, and I'm really sorry Arata I-" He put his hand up gently, stopping me from speaking. "There is no need to keep apologising. Come, sit down." He led me over to the sofa, pushing me down softly. He sat next to me, placing a hand on my thigh.

"You have said your piece, and I accept it. Thank you for telling me." He said. "We all make mistakes."
I grabbed his hands quickly, desperation in my eyes. "And it was a mistake, such a huge mistake! I love you Arata!" I needed him to know that. He just gave me a soft smile, his expression was lighter now, but with an underlying seriousness to it. There was no way he could forgive me. It was over.
"I can't say I'm not a little hurt." He began and my stomach turned, bracing for bad news. "But I believe it was truly brave of you to tell me the truth. I respect you for that."

He...respected me? How?
"Everyone makes mistakes, it's just part of human nature, but it's how we act once we've made the mistake that's important." He continued, rubbing my thigh gently. "I've made mistakes too, done and said things I'm not proud of, I've had demons. It's what makes us human, no one's perfect. We've all done things we're ashamed of." He let out a deep sigh. I thought back to what he told me about Safia, Joseline, the breakdown of his relationship...
"But..." I looked up. He was smiling again. "Sometimes good things can come out of bad situations..."

He brought his hand up, gently playing with my hair. I moved closer to him. "Can you ever forgive me Shimozuru?" I asked, enjoying his touch. He smiled sweetly. "If you can forgive yourself too." He answered.

"I love you so much." I whispered as he stroked my hair. We'd been lying together on the sofa for the past hour, just enjoying each other, just talking. Talking about our pasts, and our hopes for the future. We'd learnt more about each other in that hour than in the whole time we'd been together.
It was getting pretty late and I could feel how tired my boyfriend was getting. I sat up slowly, pulling him up with me. "It's getting pretty late. I'll leave you, go to sleep." He nodded tiredly before planting a lingering kiss on my lips. "I love you, Afuro Terumi."
"I love you too."

I yawned and stepped into my bathroom. I was so shattered but there was something I had to do, I just felt like it needed to be done.

I finally felt renewed, to most it might not seem like much of a significant change but for me it just meant so much; I was a new person, the old Afuro was gone. The guy that used to just have random flings and short-term relationships, the guy that could never let go of the past, he was no more. This new Afuro Terumi was all that mattered now.

As I swept up the blonde hairs on the tiled floor I contemplated my new look, smiling to myself. "Hmm, not bad."

••••••••••••••••••••••
(4 years ago)
(Handa)

I folded the blanket up neatly and placed it on the sofa as Someoka came down the stairs.
"Good morning Handa." He remarked cheerily, pulling his suit jacket across his broad shoulders. "Sleep okay?"
I smiled, hugging the pillow to my chest. "Yeah, it was fine. I made breakfast, if that's okay. I didn't want you rushing off without eating like yesterday."
"You didn't have to do that, but thank you." He gave me a grateful smile as he rushed off into the kitchen.

I'd finally left Kaido for good, it was finally over. I can't even remember what I said, it was all so hazy, but Someoka was with me. Called me his and said 'he's leaving now, got it asshole?' He sounded so cool.
He helped me pack my things into his car as Kaido shouted obscenities at me from the bedroom window. Kept calling me a cheating whore but I didn't care. He was drunk- that helped, with Someoka there he was reluctant to put up a fight. I don't think he even knew what was going on. Not that it matters anymore, he can't come after me now.

"Hey Han?" I looked up to see him coming back, holding a bowl of rice. "How would you like to go on a date tonight?"
My eyes widened. "A date? Like a date-date?"
He smiled softly, leaning down and stroking my hair slightly. "Yeah. Like dinner? Isn't that what people do when they're in a relationship?"
I leaned away from his touch, trying to process what he'd just said. "We're...in a relationship?"

"If you're okay with that?"
I blinked up at him, my cheeks going a little red "...Um yeah. Yeah! Sorry!" I laughed awkwardly. "It feels so weird to say but I suppose we are?! I suppose that makes you...my boyfriend? Am I allowed to call you that?" Someoka just laughed at me "Only if I'm allowed to call you that."
I bit my lip, trying so desperately to contain my excitement. "I've...never been on a proper date before, at all. And especially not with Kaido...At the start, when he was pretending I suppose, we'd do what he'd call 'indoor dates', bc he didn't want to be seen out in public with another man, like he'd put on a movie and make popcorn..." I remarked fondly before my face dropped.

"...But obviously that was all just fake, just another tactic to make me think everything was fine and normal...." An icy-cold chill ran down my spine. He placed a hand on my cheek, and god it was so warm, like liquid sunshine. "Well, I won't ever do that to you Shinichi. I'll right all that man's wrongs, you hear me?" He said as I leant into his touch once again, placing my own hand over his own.

"Okay, where do you have in mind?" He asked gently. I shook my head softly, my hand still clasped over his. "Wherever you want is fine."
He furrowed his eyebrows at me "Handa I asked you what you wanted."
"You're right, sorry." I replied awkwardly, moving my face away from his warm touch. "Hey, you don't have to apologise." Someoka said, I pulled a hand through my hair. "Sorry, oh! Ha I'm not very good at this!" I let out an anxious laugh "I'm gonna have to get better at all this..."

'He's not that kind of guy, he's not gonna get mad if you make a tiny mistake.' I had to remember that. "Okay, how's about I choose this time, and then you can choose next time?" Someoka suggested and I nodded in agreement. "Maybe we could do foreign food? There's this Italian place that just opened up, Buccelli's, I've been there before, it's really nice."
"Oh I haven't had Italian food before."
Someoka smiled brightly, a sight I wasn't used to, but was pleasantly surprised to witness. "Then it's settled!" He exclaimed before turning his attention to his watch.
"Oh I better start heading off." He remarked, grabbing his laptop before scrawling something down on a pad and handing it to me.

"This is their number, could you call ahead just in case we need to make a reservation? It can get busy sometimes." A reservation? That sounded so fancy. "Of course."
"Make it for um..7.30? That'll give me a chance to freshen up beforehand."
"Ok!" I exclaimed, failing to hide just how excited I was about this whole thing. Someoka just smiled down at me. "Thanks Shinichi" he leant down, kissing my cheek chastely before running for the door. "I'll see you tonight okay? I love you!"

I touched my cheek as he departed, smiling softly to myself. This all felt so perfectly domestic. So normal. 'So this is what a relationship is supposed to feel like?' Going over to the house phone I carefully dialled the number. It rang for a few minutes before a female voice with a slight accent answered. "Buongiorno, welcome to Buccelli's, would you like to make a reservation?"
"Um yes please." I replied, my voice shaking a little. "For myself and my...boyfriend..."

The clock read 7pm as I sat patiently on the sofa. I'd had a long bath, washed and brushed my hair, ironed my clothes...and yet it still didn't feel like enough. I only have one proper shirt, and I don't have a suit jacket; I would've worn one of Someoka's but they'd be far too big. 'I really need to get more clothes.'
I'd only taken a few changes of clothes when I left home, and left the clothes Kaido had bought me behind. I barely had any belongings I could call my own. I tugged on my hair anxiously 'he's gonna look down on me, he's gonna pity me.'
"I'm back, I'm so sorry for being late Handa." He remarked, coming through the door.

He came over to me, surprising me with a kiss on the cheek, he was holding something behind his back. "I had to stop at the shops on the way back, I wanted to give you this." Someoka said, offering me three white department store bags. I shook my head in disbelief. "You didn't have to get me anything, I haven't got you anything!" I didn't know we were supposed to get each other gifts for the date.
He pushed the bags into my hands "Just open it." He stated gruffly, loosening his tie.

I opened the first bag, pulling out a soft plush jumper.
"Someoka..."
"I figured you needed some new clothes, so I got a few pieces for you. I tried to get a range. I got you some shoes too." He explained, pulling the tie off his neck. I pulled out a black suit jacket, too stunned to speak.
"I hope that's not crossing a boundary or anything- I just thought it would be nice for you to have some nice things." He sort of mumbled, looking a little embarrassed. "It's what a good boyfriend does."

He cleared his throat, the redness fading somewhat from his face. "Oh, I got things in a size up, that way you can grow into them, when you put on more weight. When you get healthy."
I smiled tearfully, hugging the material close to my chest. "Ryuugo..." He put a hand out to stop me. "You don't have to say anything, just wear that jacket tonight yeah? I'm gonna quickly get changed then we'll head off."
I wiped a small tear from my eye, smiling as he walked away. "Okay..."

"Order as much as you want okay? I'm paying." Someoka remarked, handing me a menu.
"Are you sure?"
He just smiled "Have whatever you want."
I scanned the menu, but apart from pizza I didn't really recognise any of the dishes. I felt a little embarrassed. "Um..."
"You not sure what to get?" He asked and I nodded sheepishly. I felt so stupid. "There's just...too much choice!" I lied, wanting to be adventurous but also not wanting to waste his hard-earned cash on something I couldn't eat.

He placed his hand gently over my own, sending little sparks of electricity up my spine. "Well I could make a couple suggestions, if you'd like?"
In the end he chose a pork pappardelle whilst I got this spinach and ricotta thing...gnudi- Someoka helpfully explaining what it was before I ordered. As we ate Someoka regaled me with stories of his holidays in Italy, even teaching me a few Italian phrases. He just seemed so cultured and worldly- a side I definitely wasn't used to seeing on the 'rough and stern' Someoka Ryuugo. It was fascinating.
And pretty hot.
"I've completely fallen in love with the place." He said, swirling some pasta on his fork "I'd like to live there one day."

I could imagine it, him spending his days living there, having fun, soaking in the culture, the language, the food. It sounded like a dream. One I definitely wanted to be a part of. Looking down at my plate I couldn't help but think what a foolish notion that was. We were together, yes, but it was still early days. I had to be realistic, not be blinded by affection like I was with Kaido.
But...'Someoka's not like him, he loves you, don't be afraid.' I was though, I was so, so afraid.

"What about you Handa, any hopes and dreams?" He asked lightly, almost absentmindedly. I wasn't sure what to say, I'd kind of, well, given up on all that stuff. I'm trying to start off small, enjoy little victories and things, build myself up. I laughed awkwardly. "To be completely honest, I'm just happy being with you." He raised an eyebrow and I quickly backtracked, not wanting to come off as needy. "F-for now I mean!" The words were barely out of my mouth before I realised how that sounded. 'No, wait! I don't want him to just think of us as short-term, I want to be with him!' I wanted to be a part of his dream. "I mean, I haven't really thought much about the future- but right now I really like it- I like being with you!"

I gave him an awkward smile before sighing deeply, tired of pretending. Truthfully I just wanted to have what others did, nothing more, nothing less. I looked up at him, staring into those dark eyes. "I want to be loved."

Someoka unlocked the door, rubbing his hands happily when he stepped inside the warmth of his home. "Did you enjoy dinner?" He asked as I sat down to take off my shoes-the new pair he'd gotten me. I nodded my head quickly. There was a moment's silence where I wondered what he was doing before I felt his presence behind me. I turned around quickly, heart racing in my chest suddenly, only to be met with him standing there, a perplexed look on his face.
'He's not him.'
'He's not angry.'
'It's okay.'
My heartbeat started to slow. "I..." I started before shaking my head, knowing I shouldn't apologise. I smiled softly, despite the small amount of awkwardness I did enjoy our date- I needed him to know that.

"I had a wonderful time Someoka, really. I can't wait to do it again." I said truthfully and saw that rare smile of his again. He exhaled deeply, giving me a hand up. "I'm glad." He hung his jacket up and started off down the hall before I stopped him. Perhaps I wasn't showing it all too well, but I needed him to understand how I felt. Putting my hands on his shoulders I pulled him down slightly, kissing him on the lips. "I'm so so happy Someoka, truly." I whispered, kissing him again. It seemed to take a couple of seconds before he reacted; pulling me close to him and deepening the kiss. It started to get more passionate, his arms anchoring themselves on my waist hesitantly before quickly leaving.

I've flinched before, that must be why. I didn't this time though; I wanted him to touch me. I broke the kiss, staring up at him before untucking my shirt and grabbing hold of his hands, placing them on my waist. "It's okay." I breathed, as much to him as to myself, enjoying the warmth of his hands next to my skin. He smiled fondly down at me before taking hold of my lips once again as I pressed up even closer to him.

After a while we broke the kiss, both of us red-faced and breathless. "Ha- I mean, Shinichi..." he said, tracing my lips with his thumb. "Y-yes?"
He looked down at the floor, almost shyly before gazing back at me. "If it's okay, do you want to sleep in my bed from now on?" He asked. My eyes brimmed with tears as I nodded happily. "I thought you'd never ask."