((CW: mature themes))

(Tuesday, 6.40 pm~ Tokyo Metropolitan Central Library)
(Afuro)

I boredly looked around at the hundreds of books on the shelf, I was looking for some creative inspiration so decided to see if the library had any good books I could reference. But so far no luck. The weather wasn't good enough to take any good photos outside so I supposed I would just have to wait instead.

My phone buzzed in my pocket, Arata had tagged me in another meme- I suppose it's official then, he really is my boyfriend. It feels strange to call him that, I mean sure we talk and text all the time, but we've only been on two more dates since the ice skating. He's working late again tonight and he said I was free to come over after but I had to decline; it wouldn't be fair to him, he deserves the rest. He always works so hard. We've both been pretty busy. It's hard to meet up in person with his schedule, and I've been working really hard trying to get my portfolio ready for the Tokyo Arts exhibition next month.

I thought about asking Arata if he wanted to do a little modelling for me for my portfolio; though I suppose that would seem a little forward. I'll just have to ask Fubuki like I usually do, he has such a photogenic face. Though maybe I should ask Midorikawa- his hair colour would be a nice fit for my theme....

I wandered off into the classical arts section, urging my brain to come up with the smallest little sliver of creative thought. Literature has always been my go-to; this library has a good amount of foreign-language books which is a god-send, usually I go for Classical Greek poetry but lately I've become infatuated with the work of Sawako Nakayasu. I spent much of my last date with Arata talking about her work, I probably bored him with it but he always says he loves the sound of my voice so I suppose it can't have been too bad to sit through.
I sighed, art block was really doing a number on me, I couldn't find any inspiration at all.

I scanned the shelves absentmindedly before noticing someone trying to reach a copy of The Iliad on a high shelf, he was standing on his tiptoes but still couldn't reach. I silently walked over to him before reaching out and grabbing the book for him "Here." I said politely and he turned around smiling shyly before his eyes suddenly widened and he backed away from me. I looked at him confusedly; he had scarlet hair and dazzling teal eyes, he seemed familiar but I couldn't put my finger on it-

I suddenly blinked in realisation-I knew this guy.
"Er, um....I mean.....I.....sorry! I-I'm so sorry for everything! I swear- didn't know that y-you two-" he stopped and lowered his head, his hands were trembling. Alexei, that was his name; I remembered that day like it was yesterday. He clutched the book tight to his chest, opening and closing his mouth repeatedly as if wanting to say something but not having the courage to.

I didn't really know how to react; I remember at the time feeling so much hate and anger towards this stranger that had taken Matsumoto away from me, but of course that quickly subsided only to be replaced with guilt- Matsumoto was the one who'd hurt me, not him. He was just another victim. He seemed so young too...

"You have nothing to be sorry for." I said tiredly and he looked up at me shyly. I continued "If anything...I should be the one apologising to you-"
"B-but you didn't do wrong!" He interrupted hastily and I gave him a sad smile "I mean, I'm sorry that my boyfriend used you like that..." I couldn't help but let my thoughts drift back to that fateful day all over again.

He looked up at me and tugged at his hair "I was just...so worried, I thought I just ruined everything....I remember every night that scene...you looked so destroyed...I felt so guilty. It was my first time...I don't know why I e-even agreed to it, I didn't even know him..." He rambled before looking down at the floor again, obviously finding the worn out carpet more interesting. I sighed sadly, he was so young, so vulnerable- he reminded me so much of my younger self, just without the mask of confidence. He seemed like the kind of person who was easily walked over.
He needs someone on his side.

"Hey Alexei, come see this!" A voice suddenly said, snapping both of us out of our thoughts. A guy who was a little shorter than him skipped happily towards us, he was black with big red glasses. Alexei turned around only to be enveloped in a massive hug by who I presumed was his either a very close friend or significant other.
"Rúben!" He giggled as he tried to pull the energetic male off of him, he'd completely changed- like just being around this guy had boosted his confidence and happiness by a factor of 10. The other finally let go before planting a light kiss on his forehead, having to stand up on his toes to reach. Alexei blushed and I just smiled, they were pretty cute together.

The guy turned to me and smiled brightly "Hi!" He said loudly and I blinked, he was so upfront. I figured he must be a foreigner (of course the name gave that away) but the way he acted was very tell-tale too.
"I'm Rúben, you are?" He asked in the same volume level.  "Oh Afuro." I answered and he smiled brightly again.
"He is friend of mine..." Alexei said, eyes lighting up.
'His friend? You two only just met, not to mention he's the little-' I silenced the critic in my head and just smiled at the two of them.
"Well Alexei's friend Afuro, can I borrow my boyfriend? He asked and I nodded my head "Great!" He turned to his boyfriend "Eu quero te mostrar algo!" he exclaimed, grabbing his boyfriend's hand excitedly and leading him away.

"Hey Afuro?"
I put down the book I was pretending to read to see Rúben walking towards me grinning, I smiled. "Yes?"
He sat on the desktop casually "So...my very cute Alexei was wondering if he could have your number."
I looked at him confusedly and only then did I notice Alexei standing a little way back looking really awkward and embarrassed.
"He said it would sound weird so he did not want to ask but-"
"Oh no it's cool, I understand." I replied laughing a little at the situation.

I wrote down my number on a scrap of paper and handed it to him, who turned around and waved it excitedly to Alexei who turned red with embarrassment. I chuckled a little. They were acting like teenagers.
"Thank you, this means lots to him." Rúben said with a suddenly serious tone, I looked at him and he sighed, shifting a little on the desk "He's very quiet, not good at friends, understand? It is hard to make friends when you're an international student, I'm his only friend."
They're both university students? Of course, that would make sense; Alexei was clearly Russian and I guessed Rúben must be Spanish or Portuguese. They're both so young. 'How did you get mixed up with Matsumoto?'

"When we first met he was so shy and always getting upset about the smallest things. He has been hurt a lot I think..." He pocketed the scrap of paper before looking back up at me. "He is glad to say sorry."
I sighed "You know I said before, he doesn't need to apologise-"
Rúben just shrugged, sliding off the desk "He is glad anyway. He wanted to make it right."
How much did he know? Had Alexei told him? I suppose it didn't really matter.

I nodded and got out of my chair, following Rúben over to Alexei who was currently hiding behind a bookcase.
"You know, you could've just asked me yourself, I don't bite!" I assured him, hoping he didn't find me too intimidating. He just nodded shyly in response.
"Well we are leaving now, tonight is the date night!" Rúben exclaimed, excitedly trying to ruffle his boyfriend's hair but failing slightly due to his height. I chuckled at the two of them.
'I wish you two well...'

I handed my library card and a stack of books to Handa to scan; my inspiration had finally presented itself and I was back on track. But I couldn't help but feel I was missing something- maybe one more book for the road?
I carried on looking idly for the perfect addition when I felt a presence behind me. "This one's better you know." They said and I froze-I knew that voice. "Matsumoto." I grumbled, turning around to see an all-too-familiar face.

"What the hell do want? I complained but he just smirked at me "I'm allowed to be here aren't I?" He stated in a hushed tone and I folded my arms "Whatever, if you came to pester me I'm not in the mood okay so just leave me alone. I have nothing to say to you Matsumoto."
"Aww come on, don't be like that Afuro." He said and grabbed my arm, I yanked it away from him angrily "Don't fucking touch me!" I shouted angrily and he took a step back. A few people turned around, Handa looked up from stamping the books but didn't say anything.

I cursed under my breath, this really wasn't what I wanted right now. I walked into a more isolated area- not wanting an audience for this.
Matsumoto lowered his voice "I'm sorry Afuro okay? I just didn't want you to run, I really need to talk to you...please."
I stopped and looked at him-he wasn't acting like the Matsumoto that crashed my date, full of arrogance and cockiness; he looked tired and his hair was messier than usual, his voice was softer and quieter too-something was up with him.

He rubbed the back of his neck "Listen...is there somewhere we could like...just talk?" He asked me and I sighed frustratedly "I already told you, I don't have anything to say to you. Why can't you just leave me alone?"
He sighed heavily and dropped his arms "Look Afuro, I messed up okay? I know that; I was stupid and greedy and selfish and you didn't deserve what I did to you. I didn't know what I had until it was gone, you were the best thing that ever happened to me Afuro and after you broke up with me I couldn't find anyone that came even a little bit close to how perfect you were.

I know that no matter how many times I apologise to you it won't make what I did right, but all I'm asking is that you find it somewhere in your heart to forgive me. I know now that you've found someone else; I'm not here to try and get you to go out with me again, nothing like that, but can we at least be friends-or at least could you just not hate me anymore...it's all I want. If you would just rather never see me again then I would understand, I just wanted you to know that I did- I do really love you."

I stared at him in shock, had those words really just come out of his mouth? I didn't even know what to say. Matsumoto locked his gaze into mine; amethyst eyes much duller than when I'd seen him before-his whole attitude and demeanour had changed. This wasn't the Matsumoto I knew, this was an entirely different person, a new person.
I didn't know what to think anymore.

My mind was telling me not to trust him, to just walk away. But my heart...it wanted me to put an end to it all, bury the hatchet. Move on... I didn't know which one to listen to.
If Matsumoto had never cheated on me then I would have never met Arata or Josie or anything, and I wouldn't be this happy....but then, if he hadn't cheated we would still be together, and in all honesty when we were together I was just as happy as I am now....
In truth, I was so happy when I was with him-every day was wonderful, he was so loving, he understood me...until that day... 'What are you thinking?! If he really did love you he would never have done that to you!'

I felt a tear slide down my cheek as a small whisper left my lips "Why? W-why wasn't I good enough for you?..." I looked down at the floor, my tears falling softly to the ground "Was t-there something wrong with me Matsumoto, that you had to find someone else to...to satisfy you? You were all I wanted, and yet....you didn't give two shits about how I felt!" I shouted in whispers, I didn't want to do this here. I looked up at him, tears blurring my vision, but I could see his expression so clearly; his lips trembled and quivered, for a moment I thought he might cry. And then he really did.

I've never seen Matsumoto cry. In fact, for a long time I thought he was incapable of it. But here he was, crying his eyes out. I felt a feeling flooding my body, my anger being slowly subdued as I moved without even thinking, placing a hand on his shoulder.

He looked up at me as our teary eyes connected, we both just stood like that neither of us saying a word; he brought his hand to my face and wiped away my tears, I didn't stop him- his touch was so warm and gentle. I remembered that touch, it was always something that just made me melt, the way he would hold me, the softness of his skin on mine, the warmth of his body at night-

I shook my head, moving away from him hastily.
I wrapped my arms around myself, ashamed at my thoughts, I felt Matsumoto place his hand gently on my arm "Afuro..."
I thought back to the night we first met; how he'd walked away, how I'd reached out to him.
"I wish...I'd let you go, I wish I'd never stopped you..." I croaked.
He looked devastated at my words "Do you really mean that?"
I couldn't bring myself to utter a yes.

I wanted to tell him to leave, but the words got lost in my throat. I needed him to be the one to say it.
"Do you want me to go?" He uttered slowly.
'Yes yes YES I want you to go, leave and never come back, leave me alone. I never want to see your face again.'
'Don't leave, if you leave right now, if you leave things unresolved, I'll never forgive you.'

I didn't want to leave things here, I wanted peace-I deserved peace. No, I couldn't let him take the easy way out, even if that meant putting myself through more pain. I would bear it, I always have. Rúben's words echoed in my head. "He wanted to make it right." This was Matsumoto's chance, his chance to make it right. It was time to close this chapter on my life. I was never going to get over this if I just let him walk away now.
"Matsumoto."
He turned around to face me. "Yes?"
I took a deep breath and walked towards him "I want to forgive you." I took another breath "I want to forgive you Matsumoto okay? I do but..."
"You can't right now?" He said and I nodded solemnly "B-but...I want to be able to, I want this over, so.....I want us to go somewhere, we need to talk...."

(Itaewon 20 Cocktail bar- 'Korea Town', 7.30pm)

"Ah, this is much better, we can talk properly now." Matsumoto stated and I looked around the dim room. "Why did you bring us here?"
"Well, it's the place we first met." He said, looking around whimsically "Sorry is that too weird? I just thought that-" He tried but I just shook my head, sitting down at a nearby table "Doesn't matter, let's just get this over with." Matsumoto went off to order drinks. I would've said no but my mind was too preoccupied to stop him. I looked around at all the different people, it was much less busy than last time. If I recall correctly, Jae-hee quit last year, so I'll have no one's shoulder to cry on if this goes south.

I sighed as Matsumoto walked over, sitting down and passing me a drink, well two drinks.
"A Singapore sling and a Sazerac." He said, placing his own drink on the table, a martini.
"You remembered my order..." I muttered, not sure if I should be impressed or...
"You don't have to drink both of them, it was just a stupid...." he trailed off, swivelling his martini awkwardly. It reminded me of the night we met; he was awkward back then too...
No, this is not the same- he cheated on me. I can't be thinking about him that way, I have to see him for who he really is.

"So..." I started not really sure what to say, I just pushed a beer mat around, hoping Matsumoto would get the conversation going. "Umm, look Afuro...I really don't want this to become all awkward you know-"
"How is it not going to be awkward Matsu, you were the one that decided to cheat on me." I interrupted, feeling the hate slowly pouring back into my veins. Matsumoto sighed and ruffled his bleach-blonde hair "I'm sorry Afuro, really I am. It was the stupidest thing I've ever done." I folded my arms "Why? Why did you do it Matsumoto?....Was there something wrong with me?"
He stared at me but didn't say anything, I got even more angry "Why did you hurt Alexei?" I asked but all he gave me was a confused look.

"Who...who the hell's Alexei?"
"You don't even remember? I walked in on the two of you and- but you can't even remember his name?!"
He looked taken aback by my words, but he soon had a look of realisation on his face, he cursed under his breath.
"Ohhhh, so now you remember huh?"
He looked back at me and crossed his arms frustratedly "Well sorry if I forgot the name of some random twink. Why does that even matter? I loved you Afuro, not him. It was just sex."
My eyes widened "J-just sex! What about Alexei-"
"The kid didn't mean anything to me alright, it's really not my fault. I told him what we were going to do-I told him it wouldn't mean anything, you should be as angry with him as you are with me!" I just lost it, I threw the Sazerac in his face "You told him you were fucking single! And that's not the point it doesn't matter if it meant anything or not YOU STILL FUCKING CHEATED ON ME!"

I stood up and pointed to the door "Get. The. Fuck. Out."
Matsumoto stood up angrily and left without another word. I was done. Done with his excuses, done with his chances. It was over.
I grabbed one of the books from my bag, determined not to let Matsumoto get to me. I wasn't going to let him destroy my inspiration. I needed to take my mind off of him.

The moon split in half
and the stars crumbled,
falling like fireworks into the sea.
I watched my world fall apart
the day my love-

I flipped the pages.

As I lay in my bed
in this dark room
the silence is strident
and so is my mind
my thoughts immediately go to
you
every moment of the day
until
my eyes grow heavy
and my body is at peace
but still
you're there-

My breath hitched in my throat. My hands began to shake. I swallowed deeply, skipping the pages hastily.

-you stole my heart,
And instead of giving it back,
You smashed it right in front of my face,
And took it with you when you left,
As if breaking my heart wasn't enough,
You needed to make sure I wouldn't move on from you and that I'd be too broken to love anyone else.

Tears dotted the page as I quickly tried to wipe them away but it was no use, they would not stop. I shut the book quickly, holding it tightly to my chest as my breathing sped up.

This is how things were going to end between us?
This is what moving on looked like?
Bullshit.
He'd never really leave, never truly be gone from my life. Matsumoto was a shadow, one that would stick to me forever and ever.
Closure? What a joke.
Everything about this was a joke- some sick joke. How could I fall for his tricks again? All it took was a sad look in his eyes for me to completely-
I wanted to be wrong.
I wanted him to have changed, be that man I met at the bar all so long ago; funny and kind, cute, the missing piece of my puzzle, the one who understood me.
Then it wouldn't have to be so hard.

If he could go back to that man, then it wouldn't be so difficult to admit. Admit that I still had feelings for him, for someone so horrible. Someone who told me he loved me, still says he loves me, and yet how could he? How could he break my heart like that? And turn around and say he loved me, that he never stopped, that I was the only one for him. And how could I...how could I have believed him?
I must be a terrible person.

I swore under my breath before spotting Matsumoto's untouched drink. I stared at it for a few seconds before grabbing it and downing it in one. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand pathetically.
This won't do. I pulled out my phone, desperately wanting to talk to Arata, but I couldn't do it. I didn't have the courage nor the strength. It would be too obvious; the sound of my voice, the words I would say, the guilt and deceit would be easy to spot I just know it.
I'm too much of a terrible person for him.

I looked into the bottom of the glass-I needed another drink. I just needed something to take my mind off of things, forget everything that had happened today. I wiped my face hastily, rubbing my eyes until they were red and sore. I didn't want people asking questions, I paid for another drink and finished it as quickly as the first, it wasn't enough, my mind was still swimming.

I don't remember getting drunk. Well, I remember the point when I was getting tipsy; it was after God knows how many shots-I remember wanting to stop, I knew I should have stopped, but...I just carried on. I hadn't eaten anything beforehand, so the alcohol worked faster than normal. I sat in my booth, crying my eyes out.
Everything went fuzzy after that, I can't remember much of what I said or did; the next minute I stumbled over to the bathroom, gripping onto the sink in an effort to keep my feet steady and staring into the mirror.

I looked terrible, a terrible look to fit a terrible person. "How ffucking poetic..." I looked so pathetic. "Look at yourselff Affuro, Matsu'll never love ya like this..." I slurred drunkenly as my grip on the sink tightened, I so wanted to punch that mirror, that stupid stupid mirror. I raised my arm up, my fist clenching tightly.

"Afuro?" I stopped and turned around, not quite believing who was standing there.

((Finally re-did this chapter after having it under construction for WAY too long! I'm still not 100% with it but I'm just glad it's done.

Side note: I changed the character Reuben to Rúben (the Portuguese version, the Spanish version of the name is Rubén). Also the phrase he said was 'I want to show you something!' (Hopefully) in Portuguese. Anyway hopefully I'll be able to re-edit Part 2 of this soon))