With Love, Ray

by: @TheSamyP

I hope I can be the autumn leaf who looked at the sky and lived. And when it was time to leave, gracefully it knew life was a gift.

~ DODINSKY

It would be my profanity to compare Ray to anything other than the dull old autumn leaves that once crushed cannot be brought back to life. Spring and other seasons have their ways to come and go, give back and take away. But autumn is all loss and no gain, love neither. She was a bizarre old photograph dusted from a dirty album that has been lost for a while or left unwanted, probably found in a claustrophobic street in Bristol. She had everything- light, air, water and people who call her friend. But Ray was mostly unloved.

A platinum blonde with curves and bulges is called sensual and appealing, but a platinum blonde with immature acne and 165 pound physique is either a dumbo or a bro. Ray was the latter. To the world she was just another human being, possibly a good human who loved all. Hence, nobody hated her, but nobody loved her either way.

Needless to say, nobody's life is perfect. But Ray's life was overtly cursed. She was born from her mother's corpse who died during labour. This deprived Ray from her father's touch, her father's love. She was left in a down street of Bristol with her grandma, whose pity could be confused with affection. To her Ray was a responsibility entrusted upon her by her widower son. She had to deal with her anyway as she dealt with the household chores.

But even autumn has some beauty. Her wrinkled lips ,where never a drop of balm was used, parted to make an infinity curve, the mole above the right fold danced in ecstasy and then, she smiled making a glorious sound, music to ears. At that moment anyone could have a tempest in the heart. Nevertheless, everyone was so busy with her flaws that they abruptly missed out her perfection. That was no one's fault, it was Ray, nothing could be done with Ray.

One thing was sure about Ray. She was the stupidest moron the world could ever have. When most of the girls flaunted themselves, making them look like babes to the hungry eyes of adolescent boys, Ray made a good amount of guy friends and became their sole bro. And when the guys were taken by the girls , she realized her terrible mistake. That time she knew, it would be hard for her to find love. She didn't know she would never get love.

There was one boy who captured her flinted heart when she was just ten. James Jackson, the typical man whore and the drama club topper was he. Once upon a time James and Ray were the best of friends, but that was long ago when Ray's grandma used to insist her to wear skirts. They were happy, innocent five year olds who sat by James's backyard during autumn and

collected fallen maple leaves. They used to scribble letters on those and give to each other. But those days were not many, they had a very short together period with each other. They were best friends until the guy-flipper Stacy Cooper came in James's life. Not to mention, James was her thirteenth boyfriend in her fifteen year old life.

Love could not sparkle between Ray and James. A tomboy and a handsome Playboy fall in love only in fiction and movies. Not in real life. But this is Ray's story. Ray the one who could never get love. It was not that she didn't love the world, she loved every dog and dust hoping to get back a similar attention. But Ray's story is not a love story.

There was no difference between autumn and Ray. The vigour of autumn was within the fallen leaves and creased trunk. Autumn never showed it's pain when the children of trees broke from the branches and with a sudden gust of wind, they floated down with ease. Ray Martin was somewhat alike. All the world knew the exalting smile and cockiness of that free spirited girl but nobody knew that she silently drenched her pillow at midnight. Ray was afraid to show every bruise in her heart which could possibly frighten those who still cared about her existence.

The incision James left in Ray's life could never be forgotten. Ray loved him long before he became the well known boy toy, she loved him since he had braces and freckles. She loved the boy and that was her cardinal sin. James did not once look at Ray in a way other than friends. The remaining of their friendship was eroded. Growing up, Ray knew James was not going to leave her mind easily.

The autumns of tomorrow could be better if Ray opened her heart to him. But then she didn't know his answer, what if he denies.

Ray Martin lived longer than you can imagine. She lived her life, she did her job, she tried to be a good grand daughter but hey, this is Ray's story. Her story can never be perfect.

Ray was like a muddy pool whose water was undrinkable. She made sure she remained a muddy pool forever as she didn't want anyone but James. She tried every way to divert herself from James but the more effort she made, the more her heart broke. To see James and Stacy kiss in public was not the nicest thing to look at. But Ray maintained a posture of a best friend. Ray loved how James pulled Stacy's hair and pecked her lips and snuggled closer whenever possible. Ray should have been jealous, but the kind of love Ray had for James was platonic.

How shameless Ray was! She shouldn't have ever thought of a taken man. James belonged to Stacy and she knew it. But still she, like a shameless being, she fell for James over and over. She said she was happy to see the one she loved was indeed in love, not with her but Stacy.

Of all the seasons, Ray was like autumn, melancholic. She was well aware that James was not coming to her life, but she loved him without thinking of the love in return. She loved and loved

but little cared that everything was in vain. Ray was a big fool. All her she life, she gave and never sought anything. She loved but not once was she loved back.

Everyone was pitiful to Ray, no one loved Ray.

Why I say Ray was mostly unloved is because that idiot could never snatch what was hers. She was a beggar of love. She never demanded the thing called Love from anyone, not even her father.

James married Mandy, his office colleague stamping Ray's heart. I didn't know when Stacy and James broke up but it was quite obvious since both of them were uncommitted lovers. Never did Ray try to re-enter his life in a different way. Ray could have loved him, but Ray was not dishonourable. Ray was the chief brides maid being James's best friend. They had a baby girl. James and Mandy lived happily ever after, probably.

Ray loved the smell of fallen leaves as much as she loved James. Whenever they crushed under her feet, she knew it was her unrepairable broken heart. The reddened trees were Ray's bloodied heart. Ray was invincible. She felt a familiar bond whenever autumn arrived. Autumn mended her powdered heart to crush it again. This was Autumn's game.

Ray lived with the burdens of guilt and despair believing the next autumn would be better. She never cried soundly, she was afraid to flash her bruises. My friend, Ray was the messenger of autumn and the epitome of unrequited love.

Ray's story could have ended in here. She could have found love in a different man or she could have had a epiphany. That could be a happy ending. But hey, this is Ray's story and Ray's story cannot be perfect.

The last time I met Ray was during the fall of 2015. Ray and autumn were collateral. She entered the maple garden crushing the golden brown leaves under her shoes and exhilarating a sweet fragrance. Her platinum blonde hair moved from her sweaty forehead and danced in the air. At that moment I felt Ray was more beautiful than any other woman in the world.

" Mandy left James and Leah." She had said with a sigh. It was a good thing. Finally Ray could get the man.

" Then?" I had asked hoping she would move in their life.

She smiled. She smiled, cracking her lips in a gentle infinity curve and the mole above her upper right lip danced.

Then, taking all the remaining sunlight from the drowning sun, she looked at me. Those eyes spiting sadness and mirth.

" What do you think? I am not an immoral woman, you know that. If I could live forty years of my life without a man, I can carry on the rest."

" But why? Isn't this what you want?" I had asked.

" James was having an affair." She said not answering my question. She didn't look at me.

The gentle autumn breeze blew past us, tingling the soul inside our mechanical bodies. Ray didn't say a word. She bent down plucking a dry, intact maple leaf from the ground. She dusted it and put it inside her purse.

" Billie, when I die, remember to write me a poem." She said in a shallow voice. " A poem of my unrequited love."

She disappeared with the drowning sun. She walked away through the narrow walkway of the garden and it looked like the sun was in front of her. The birds flew back to their homes. But Ray, alone and dejected, walked into the autumn dusk. I stood there agape, watching the end of her platinum blonde hair flutter in the wind. Ray vanished. I realised the autumn was soon to be over, winter was coming. Ray was gone. Forever.

She died that night in her old apartment. She killed herself with sleeping pills. The Police recognized it as suicide. They came to conclusion that Ray was so tired of her busy lifestyle that she finished herself. They said Ray was a weak heart.

I knew Ray killed herself. I knew why she did that. I knew that was not reason why she died. I knew the police was wrong. But I didn't tell them. There was no point in digging the personal life of a dead person. There was no way Ray was coming back. There was no hope in Ray's love. There was nothing to do with Ray.

There was a maple leaf in the corpse's hand which I remembered as the one picked up the last day. No one seemed to care. When the police cleared the spot and took away Ray, the leaf dropped down from her fingers. I hesitantly bent down to pick it up.

"Love, live." It said.

Ray Martin was not a weak heart.

My friend Ray could never get love. She was a wanton wind that ruffled all the drying trees and blew away their Amber leaves. She asked me to write a love poem to her. But I was not a poetic person like her. I had no words, I didn't have pain. I had an easy life. I didn't have emotions to express in a paper.

I was not Ray.

She was dead long ago. What we saw was an empty shell that Desired to be filled. Ray's heart cracked the day her father denied to take her in his arms. The crack widened when no one seemed to care who she was. Her heart broke when she fell in love with James. And now when the dead remains of her heart eroded, there was no reason for her to live without a heart. Now that she is dead, it doesn't matter whether I write a poem or no. She was all dead, now from outside as well.

Ray Martin, the one girl whom nobody loved, was gone forever to ensure everything was fine and everyone was happy.

But there was one hope regarding Ray.

People say that love is immortal. Lovers never die. They change forms from time to time. I wish next time Ray has a good luck.

There's no end to Ray.