TW: descriptions of a panic attack

Fawnie knew that the ring was Sylvia's the moment she slipped it on. Why else would Tommy have had a random set of rings? She remembered Grace's dramatic and god-awful wedding ring easily. This, however? It was too soft... too delicate.

"He had a matching one made for me," Bonnie said and she looked at him curiously. "I know, I was surprised too."

The wedding was practically a blur for Fawnie. Drinks kept getting pushed in her hands, children kept begging her to dance, and worst of all; the gifts. There wasn't anything wrong with them—and that was the problem! Fawnie loved each one so much she felt terrible for reacting the same to each one.

Aberama's gift was... the best one though she had to admit. It was as much a gift to his son as it was to his new daughter-in-law. A beautiful traditional Roma vardo was made for the couple in the event they ever need a home away from home.

Tommy did strangely well on his gift too; a house in the country but not too far that Fawnie felt helpless. He knew her well enough to know she needed to be at least a horse ride away from a city. All he gave was a key, the rest were from Lizzie (bought with his money, he made sure to emphasize that).

Everything else ranged from traditional Roma clothing to journals for them to write in. She was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of things.

Even if her fathers gave her the "best" gifts, her favorite one was from Esme. It was more a gift from John than her but Fawnie couldn't fight the tears when she opened the box to find all of the drawings and letters she sent to John neatly packed beneath the wooden toys he carved for her when she was just a young child.

She thought they were lost to time and there they were... sitting in a bloody box. Fawn hugged Esme for a long time after that. It was like a time capsule in her hands, Fawnie was beyond excited to go through it one day for the memories.

A lot of Bonnie's gifts were similar, ironically. Some cufflinks, a pair of boxing gloves, a coupon to get a tailored suit (and a shitty joke about his fashion tastes to go with it), and other equally boring things. Fawnie was quite proud of what she begged Tommy to get her husband. It wasn't cheap–hence the begging–and it definitely wasn't easy to come by but Fawn knew he'd love it.

Despite his old-fashioned nature, Bonnie always showed a fascination with modern cars. So she asked for a sports car. The brand and name were both unknown to her but Bonnie's pure unhinged excitement was enough to say they did well.

"A bloody car? That's too much, Mr. Shelby!"

Tommy shook Bon off, "No it isn't," He still doesn't tell Bonnie to call him Tommy which makes Fawn roll her eyes.

"I told you he'd love it."

And after the gifts were received, a gift that kept on giving kept on... giving. In other words, Fawnie Rose Shelby-Gold got bloody plastered. Even Bonnie was encouraging getting her drunk off her arse. He claimed it was hilarious.

"What'd Tommy get you, love?" Esme asked.

Fawnie smiled, "A house, believe it or not."

"Really? Where?" She didn't sound all too surprised. Fawn wasn't either but it was a lot to take in.

"I think near you and uh– you and John's cottage, actually?"

Esme's eyes were curious, "I think he may have given you the actual house," She took a small drink of her gin and cringed at the taste.

Fawn froze, wondering if Esme could be right. "Well, why would he do that?"

"Because it's still in the family, he never sold it after." Her aunt-in-law stared longingly at the woods, "Do you have the key with you?"

The newlywed nodded and fished through the small bag she carried, "Here."

When Esme's eyes locked onto the key Fawnie could already tell that Esme's assumption was true. It made Fawn's skin clammy and her head was heavy all of a sudden.

She hated thinking that Tommy would give her the house she left part of herself behind at. He wouldn't torment Fawn like that... not now. At least she hoped that much.

Fawnie forced a smile and took the key back, hoping to find somewhere quiet to wait out the sudden onslaught of memories. She hadn't dealt with flashbacks in weeks and any time she did, Bonnie happened to be there to help her through it. But now Fawn sat alone at the front of the house, watching the setting sun trying her best to stay lucid.

It was like fighting against a windstorm to stay put, Fawnie forced herself to endure the flashing memories as best as she could.

His face was the most prominent and clearest image. His shirt... bloodied, white to red, dirtied forever. The stain would surely never come out, she remembered thinking when it happened.

Her hands shook as she tried her damnedest to push the tears down, but the effort was futile. Fawnie Gold broke down on those same steps; she nearly broke her leg tripping down when Tommy first bought the place. It was stupid and ironic and she hated it.

The shaking in her body would not calm down nor would the painful reminders of how she ended up in this position. If John hadn't died, maybe she wouldn't have ever met Bonnie... that thought saddened her.

But the embarrassment that lingered began creeping up into the forefront of her mind. How could something as simple as knowing she would be expected to live on the property her brother–no... her uncle died on spur such a reaction? She hated feeling so helpless after getting better for so long.

Fawnie Rose felt the pain as much as she did the moment she saw the life leave John's eyes. It wasn't fading like she thought it was, it was still present... waiting to jump on her the moment she let her guard down. Fawnie knew recovery wasn't linear but it felt sick that she was crying on her wedding day.

The sound of the front door closing brought Fawnie out of her head, she saw that it was Michael who found her.

"Doe? What's wrong?" He drew closer as she tried to wipe the tears from her face before he could see.

"Nothing." She gasped at the pain in her throat from sobbing so harshly. "It's– it's nothing."

Michael sat beside her and grabbed one of her hands, "Look at me, please." Fawn turned her head reluctantly as he assessed the damage. "Is it John?" How could he know that? She wondered as she slowly nodded, more tears fighting for their place on her red cheeks.

"That's alright, Fawnie, let it out."

She sniffed loudly and hugged him as best as she could. "Tommy got me John's house for my wedding... why would he do that?" Her voice was hoarse.

She could feel the sigh leave Michael's chest as he rubbed her shoulder, "Jesus, that's fucked up."

"I know right? Maybe he thought I'd be happy but Esme said it was their old key." Fawnie whimpered at the thought of the key sitting inside her bag.

"Maybe... or he's being a dick again."

Fawn groaned into his chest, "We were just getting so much better too, Mickey."

"I know, Doe. I know."

AUTHOR'S NOTE.

Thank you all for 200k reads! I know I said this ending bit would be happy but nothing is that simple in this story? I realized while writing the end that I all but forgot about what/who started this story to begin with.

Esme moved away and so did any possible reminder of John once the Italians were defeated, Fawnie was able to heal. And I believe she hated herself for it.

I don't really talk about her actual feelings toward anything very often since I think she struggles greatly to explain herself to herself. I do think it is a realistic response to seeing something so... simple. I hope I wrote her panic attack with the care it deserves. They are hard to write and even harder to endure.

Thank you dear reader for following Fawnie Rose on her journey of recovery and finding love. There will be an epilogue posted sometime this week. Any comments and feedback you may have is greatly appreciated. Thank you 💖