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Forgiveness

“B-But I am still scared and scarred. You destroy the trust that I have in you. I love you so much but I just can’t trust you yet. Everything that happened to us was traumatic that I don’t think I’m ready to risk again,” wika ko kasabay ang mumunting luhang kumawala sa mga mata ko.

Natahimik siya sa sinabi ko. I could see how tears streamed down his cheeks as if he lost a small hope in him.

He tried to wipe his cheeks as he look away. Hindi siya makapagsalita at hikbi lang nang hikbi. Wala rin naman akong magawa kundi ang panoorin lang siya.

Muli siyang tumingin sa akin. “K-Kapag… handa ka na ba, tatanggapin mo ulit ako?”

It’s my turn to be silent. Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t know if I would still risk once again for him. Yes, my love for him might still be there, however the pain it caused me was enormous enough to make me take lesser risks.

I sighed and licked my lower lip. I breathed and smiled sadly. “I might. I might accept you wholly again if I am already prepared for another set of pain.”

He nodded and smiled a bit. Pinunasan niyang muli ang pisngi niya. He walked towards me as the small smile on his face didn’t faded. He held both of my hands and kissed it as he stared straight on my eyes.

“Nakahanda akong patunayan sayo ang pagmamahal ko, babe. Aayaw ka man o hindi, ilalaban ko ang pagmamahalan natin noon. I knew that we were young but I also knew that everything were real,” bulong niya. “Hindi ako susuko. Hindi kita susukuan.”

I small smile left my mouth. Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. “We’ll see then, Simour. We’ll see.”

After we fought, we went back to our baby’s tomb and said sorry for fighting in front of her. Nagagawa nang magbiro ni Simour kahit pa namumugto pa ang mga mata niya sa kaiiyak. Ganoon din naman ako, kahit paano ay nagawa ko nang tumawa kahit pa paos ang boses ko.

“Pasensya ka na, ‘nak, kung nakita mo kami ni Mommy mo na nag-away kanina,” aniya. “Iyon talaga ang iniiwasan kong mangyari noon pa man pero nangyari pa rin. Pero huwag kang mag-alala, maayos na kami ni Mommy mo. Hindi pa nga lang niya ako tinatanggap ulit sa buhay niya pero at least magkatabi na kaming nakaupo nang hindi niya ako sinasaksak.”

I glared at him and pursed my lips. “I won’t make saksak to you naman, ‘no! I am not that evil kahit pa galit pa rin ako sayo!”

Mahina siyang natawa saka nilingon ako. “Galit ka?” May munting ngisi sa mukha niya.

“Oo!”

“Patingin nga ng mukhang galit,” aniya ng may pang-aasar.

“You’re such an asshole! Don’t talk to me! Naiinis na naman ako sa pagmumukha mo!” asik ko saka tinutulak siya ng mahina palayo.

Mahina siyang tumawa saka sinakop ang mga kamay kong tumutulak sa kanya. Napatili ako nang bigla niya akong hilahin palapit sa kanya sabay ang paghiga niya sa damuhan at ako naman ay bumagsak sa itaas niya.

“Simour! Ang gago mo talaga!” asik ko saka nagpumiglas sa hawak niya.

May munting ngising kumawala sa labi niya. “Babe, naman! Bakit naman pumatong ka agad sa akin nasa harap tayo ng baby natin, oh!”

Pinanlakihan ko siya ng mga mata. “Gago ka talaga! Let me go, ha? Naiinis na ako, Simour! Bitawan mo ako!”

Tumawa siya saka binitawan ako. Agad akong bumangon saka inis na hinampas ang dibdib niya.

After that incident, we went back to the house. Nag-convoy lang kami dahil may dala rin naman siyang ducati niya. We told our parents that we’re both doing fine but we also told them that we’re not getting married.

They looked disappointed with the fact that we were not meant to get married but they didn’t say anything. Nanatili silang tahimik at tumango-tango na lang na para bang sinasabi sa amin na naiintindihan nila kami.

Ever since that day, napapansin kong palaging lumalabas si Mom at Dad kasama ang parents ni Simour. They were always bonding in our house. I could see them getting closer to each other.

Samantalang si Simour ay hindi ko na madalas nakikita. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero ang huli kong balita sa kanya ay pumunta ulit siya sa ibang bansa para sa bago niyang project. Isa siya sa mga gagawa ng bagong design sa mga buildings sa UK.

I am proud of him and everything that he have achieved. I can see how diligent he is and how much dedicated he is to his job. I am seeing the new version of Simour; the one who have plans for the future.

“My SJ is doing fine in UK,” wika ni Tita Mirabelle. “Actually, I didn’t expected him to be this dedicated to his job. I really thought that boy won’t change. But then seeing him now going abroad for his projects makes me feel like I’m slowly losing my baby.”

Mahina akong napangiti habang pinakikinggan siya. It’s funny how she calls Simour as her baby when we once made a baby. Her baby can already make a baby.

Nasa kusina kaming tatlo nina Mom at Tita Mirabelle. They were talking about things while I’m preparing for their snacks. Pinakikinggan ko lang sila at hindi na nakikisali sa usapan.

“Well, at least, Sim is now making plans for himself,” saad ni Mommy. “Hindi gaya ng dati na kailangan mo pa siyang pilitin para mag-aral sa ibang bansa. At least now, he knows the importance of the future.”

I couldn’t help but smile as I remembered how Tita Mirabelle threatened me and blackmailed me just so I would push Simour away. We weren’t minors that time but we were definitely young. We still didn’t think about the future, we only think about the present.

Tita Mirabella sighed. “Yes, I know. At least now, he’s successful. I don’t have to worry about him anymore. But then, it’s so sad that everything has to turn out like this.”

“Mahirap lang talaga siguro kapag isa lang ang anak natin,” wika ni Mommy. “I am also having a hard time letting go of Primm but I have no choice. She’s a woman and she knows what she’s doing. She’s old enough to handle herself that no matter how strangled I am with the thought of her leaving the house for a man, I have to let her. It’s her choice.”

Hindi ko mapigilang mapangiti. That’s the reason why I love Dad and Mom so much. They’re not spoiling me but they’re letting me decide on my own. They trusted me with everything.

Sometimes, that’s what terrifies me. With them trusting me too much might disappoint them in the end. And I don’t want that to happen.

Mahinang natawa si Tita Mirabelle. “Well, kahit naman siguro ako talagang mag-w-worry kapag babae ang anak ko tapos nag-iisa pa. I may be worried with SJ but somehow I am relieved that he’s a man.”

My Mom nodded. “Yeah, good for you. I on the other hand would grow white hairs for too much worrying. Anyways, mabuti naman at tumatawag iyang si Sim sa inyong mag-asawa kahit nasa abroad siya?”

Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanila habang pinakikinggan sila. I also want to know if Simour is calling them. Maayos kong nilagyan ng palaman ang sandwich na ginagawa ko para sa kanila.

“Sadly, that boy would just text me that he arrived abroad and then wouldn’t text me later on. Magte-text lang ng isang beses at pagkatapos ay hindi na magre-reply.” Umiiling na wika ni Tita.

Mahina akong natawa saka napailing. They both glanced at me and raised their brows. Napanguso ako saka yumuko na lang at inayos ang sandwich na ginagawa.

“Well, he’s a grown up man, Mirabelle. Siguro ay cringe para sa kanya ang paulit-ulit mong pagte-text sa kanya. Alam mo naman ang mga lalaki, diba? Naiinis kapag paulit-ulit silang pinapaalalahanan sa mga bagay-bagay,” saad ni Mom.

Tita nodded. “Oo, siguro nga. I noticed that too. How about you, Primm? Hindi ba siya nagte-text sayo?”

Napaangat ang tingin ko sa kanila. “Po?”

They’re both looking at me waiting for answers.

“Is SJ not updating you about what’s going on with his life abroad?” tanong niyang muli sa akin.

“Uhm… no po, Tita, eh. We no longer have a communication,” sagot ko.

She sighed and nodded. Bumaling siya kay Mommy. “Maybe he’s just really trying to focus on his job kaya hindi na siya nag-u-update rito. Nag-aalala pa rin ako para sa kanya. Alam ko pa naman na madalas siyang nakikipagbasag-ulo.”

“Really? Kahit ngayon ba ay nakikipag-basag-ulo iyon?” wika ni Mommy.

Tita nodded. “Yes. Nakikipag-basag-ulo pa rin. I don’t really know what to do with him. Siguro ay nagmana lang siya talaga sa Daddy niya. Parehas na parehas sila.”

I pursed my lips while listening to them. I can’t believe na nakikipag-basag-ulo pa rin pala si Simour up until now. He’s old na! He shouldn’t engage in such lalo pa at may work na siya. Baka maging reason pa iyon para hindi siya bigyan ng projects.

Nakakainis talaga ang asshole na iyon!

Nang matapos ko ang ginagawang sandwich ay agad akong naglakad palapit sa kanila. I placed the plate filled with sandwich on the table.

“Here’s the snacks po,” wika ko.

“How about you, Primm? How were you able to stop SJ from creating chaos?” tanong muli sa akin ni Tita.

“Me?” tanong ko.

She nodded. “Yeah. Kasi I noticed simula no’ng naging kayo, back during college, hindi na siya masyadong nakikipag-basag-ulo. He’s also doing good at school.”

Mahina akong natawa. “I actually didn’t do anything at all po, Tita. It was his choice.”

Mangha silang nagkatinginan dalawa. Tipid ko silang nginitian.

Maybe, I was too strict in it comes to uniforms back then, I was always telling him to wear a proper uniform yet it’s his choice to follow me. It was also his choice to do good at school and to stop making trouble. It wasn’t my doing. It was his.

“He changed because of you then,” ani Tita.

I smiled timidly. “Yeah. But it was all because of himself. It was his decision, his choice.”

“Well, you’re the boss,” wika niya.

Mahina akong natawa saka napailing. “Maybe.”

Marami pa silang napag-usapan doon kaya nagpaalam ako na pupunta na lang sa kwarto ko. Somehow, I felt tired and blank after reminiscing some memories with Simour—good memories.

After everything that we’ve been through, I believed that he loved me. Ramdam ko iyon sa bawat galaw niya. Kahit pa hindi niya sabihin sa akin, alam ko, nakikita ko, ramdam ko.

It’s sad that it has to end like that; that way. It’s sad that everything has to end like how the sun sets when the moon rises. However, the difference is that our experiences weren’t a sky neither a horizon. It wasn’t a beautiful ending.

Maybe, that’s just how relationship works. It must come to an end if it’s not good for you. God knows so he will make it happen.

But love on the other hand, don’t end. Sparks might fade, the electricity might not be that electric anymore, the slow motions might no longer exist, the laughter might turn to sobs and the colorful might turn dull but the love would stay as if it’s glued in a person’s heart.

I know that the sparks I and Simour have has faded, the electricity does not excite us anymore, there are no slow motions when we see each other, our laughter were replaced by sobs and weeping but somehow our baby made the dullness colorful. And I know that our love towards each other remains.

Maybe… this is not yet the right time for love. Maybe God wants us to pursue our dreams before we fall in love deeply and hardly again. He has reasons, I believe in his plans for me.

I’ll let everything be…

Maraming nangyari matapos ang mga sumunod na buwan. I was able to open the animal shelter like what I’ve dreamed for. My parents and friends were there when I opened it and the animal shelter eventually received a lot of donations.

A lot of street animals were saved and were placed in the shelter where they have warm bed and healthy foods to eat. There were also sick animals that are need to be treated so we hired a veterinarian to cure them and fortunately they’re all slowly gaining strength.

Madalas rin ay sumasama ako sa paglalabas sa mga hayop. Hindi ko hinahayaan sa loob lamang sila ng shelter kahit pa sobrang lawak ng loob at puno ng mga punong-kahoy. Inilalabas rin namin sila kung saan makakakita sila ng mga bagong mukha.

“Primm? Primm? Get down, you have a visitor!” sigaw ni Mommy mula sa labas ng kwarto ko.

I sighed. “Sino po ba iyan, Mom?” bagot kong tanong habang nagsusulat sa lesson plan ko.

“Kilalanin mo na lang. Bumaba ka na. Or gusto mo, papuntahin ko rito?” tanong niya.

I sighed. “Fine. Bababa na ako. Tell the visitor to wait for me.”

“Alright,” sagot niya.

I sighed. Inayos ko ang mg kagamitan kong nasa desk. Inipit ko ng ruler ang page na nasulatan ko sa lesson plan ko para hindi ko na kailangang hanapin pa kapag bumalik na ako.

I then stood up and went out of my room. Then I went walking towards the living room where probably my visitor is waiting.

But my heart hammered when I saw who it was. Nakatalikod man siya sa akin pero kilalang-kilala ko na. He’s wearing a simple button down dark blue polo tucked in his black ripped jeans paired with a handsome white shoes.

I blinked and slowly walked towards the sofa where he’s sitting. He’s holding his cellphone and is busy scrolling there.

“What are you doing here?” tanong ko rito.

Agad siyang napatayo sabay patay sa cellphone niya saka isinilid ito sa bulsa niya.

I raised my brows and crossed my arms on my chest while staring at the bouquet of flowers that he’s holding.

“Uhm… for you,” aniya saka binigay sa akin ang bulaklak.

Agad ko naman itong tinanggap. I stared at the flower for a bit and smelled it before I raised my brows at him again.

“So, Simour. You’re back, huh? Did you texted your mother? Don’t you know how worried she is with you while you were abroad? Hmm?” wika ko.

He rolled his eyes. “She’s always like that. Sasabihin niya sa akin na nag-aalala siya sa akin tapos kapag nandito naman ako gusto niyang bumalik agad ako sa ibang bansa.”

“Pero you texted her?” tanong ko.

He nodded. “Yeah. But I went straight here.”

I nodded and prevented myself from smiling. Naupo ako sa sofa. Agad naman siyang tumabi sa akin.

“So, tapos mo na ang project mo in UK?” I asked.

He nodded. “Yep. Actually lilipat na ako sa firm ni Evs next week. May pa-welcome party sila sa akin. Sama ka, ah.”

“How did you know na ma pa-welcome party sila sayo?”

Ngumuso siya saka nagkibit-balikat. “Wala. Sinabi ko sa kanya na magpa-welcome party siya para sa akin. Ang sama naman niyang kaibigan kung hindi niya gagawin iyon.”

I rolled my eyes. “So, what’s this for?” tanong ko.

“Ang alin?” tanong niya.

“The flowers,” sagot ko.

“Ah… iyan ba? Wala. Manliligaw lang ako,” aniya.

My brows raised even more. Pinaningkitan ko siya. “Talaga lang, ha?”

“Oo,” aniya.

“Seryoso ka diyan?” tanong ko.

He nodded. “Oo nga.”

“Eh, paano iyan? I am still not ready for relationships. I have a lot of suitors pero wala akong sinasagot kasi ayoko munang pumasok sa ganoon.”

He pursed his lips. “Paki ko naman? Tsaka pakisabi nga diyan sa mga manliligaw mo na busted na sila kasi tayo na.”

Tinaasan ko siya lalo ng kilay. “Wow! What an asshole!”

“Anong asshole do’n? Ayoko lang na may nakikisabay sa akin kapag nanliligaw ako. Kaya bustedin mo na ang mga iyan. Kulelat naman ang mga iyan, eh,” aniya.

I rolled my eyes. “Edi, ikaw ang magsabi. Tsaka, they’re all good boys naman, eh. Actually, isa sa kanila is dream guy ko.”

Tinaasan niya ako ng kilay. “Ha? Hindi ko tinanong, babe. Wala akong paki diyan sa dream guy mo, sa akin ka rin naman babagsak.”

“Wow! You’re so full of yourself!” wika ko saka humarap sa kanya. “You know what? I don’t really know why I said ‘yes’ to you before. Mahangin ka lang naman, eh, tsaka ang dami mo pang girls.”

Humarap rin siya sa akin. “Past is past, babe. Mag-move-on ka na. Ano ka ba?”

“Paano ako magmo-move-on, eh, iyong iba mong girls noon inaaway ako?!” asik ko sa kanya.

Kumunot ang noo niya saka biglang nagkasalubong ang kilay niya. “Inaaway ka ng mga iyon? Bakit hindi mo sinabi sa akin noon?”

I blinked. Nagbibiro lang naman ako. Though, marami naman talaga ang nang-aaway sa akin noon dahil sa kanya, hindi ko na lang sila pinapatulan.

“Well, past is past nga naman, diba?” saad ko. “Let’s move on na. And I think they have their own boyfriends na rin naman. So, yeah. Hayaan na natin sila.”

Pero hindi nagbago ang expression sa mukha niya tsaka umiigting ang kanyang panga. “Sabihin mo na lang sa akin kung sino-sino ang mga iyon.”

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin sa kanya saka bahagyang ngumuso. “Uhm… are you going to visit our baby later?” Sa halip ay tanong ko.

“Yes, and you’re coming with me. Ngayon, sagutin mo ang tanong ko. Sino-sino ang mga nang-away sayo noon?” aniya.

I sighed. “I was just kidding. Ang seryoso mo masyado. Tsaka, sino ba ang nagpapasok sayo rito sa bahay, ha?”

“Si Mommy,” sagot niya.

Tumaas ang kilay ko saka nilingon siya. “Mommy? Sinong Mommy?”

Ngumisi siya. “Si Mommy. Mommy mo.”

Tinaasan ko siya lalo ng kilay. “Ah really? So you’re calling my Mom as ‘Mommy’?! So, we’re siblings now, Simour?! My gosh!”

Inirapan niya ako. “Pwede ba? Kiligin ka na lang. Ang dami mo pang tanong.” Bigla niya akong hinila patayo. “Halika, punta tayo sa kwarto mo—”

My eyes widened. “Ha?! What are we going to do inside my room?!”

Nilingon niya ako habang may sinusupil na ngisi. “Wala, babe. Ano ba ang gusto mong gawin natin doon sa kwarto mo?”

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin saka tumikhim. Binawi ko ang palapulsuhan kong hawak niya.

“B-Ba’t ka pupunta doon eh, wala ka palang gagawin—”

“So, gusto mong may gawin tayo?” bulong niya sa akin and trust me I could hear mischief on it.

Inis ko siyang tiningnan. I glared at him. “You know what?! You’re so bastos!”

“Oh, kitams? Ako pa ang bastos ngayon.” Naiiling niyang sabi.

“Because it’s true! Ano ba kasi ang gagawin mo doon?!” asik ko.

“Gusto ko lang na magbihis ka para pumunta tayo sa puntod ni baby. Ikaw talaga, ang dumi mo mag-isip,” aniya.

I rolled my eyes at him. “Whatever. Asshole!”

I flipped my hair and started walking upstairs. Agad akong pumasok sa kwarto ko saka nangingiting maingat na nilagay ang bulaklak na binigay niya sa akin sa desk ko. I then went to my closet and get dressed saka agad rin naman akong bumaba.

“Let’s go!” wika ko.

Tumaas ang kilay niya habang nakatitig sa akin. May sinusupil na ngisi sa labi niya habang sinusuri ako.

“Wow! Babe, napapansin mo ba? Naka-couple tayo, oh,” aniya.

Tumaas ang kilay ko. “Ha?”

Agad na bumaba ang tingin ko sa damit ko. I rolled my eyes when I realized that I am also wearing a dark blue polo shirt and a black jeans.

“Oh, eh ano ngayon sayo?! I am wearing anything I want because I am comfortable with it!” saad ko.

Humagikhik siya saka inabot ang palapulsuhan ko. “Halika na nga,” aniya.

After we visited our baby, he sent me back to my house. Agad na rin naman siyang nagpaalam na aalis dahil kailangan na niyang umuwi sa kanila dahil baka hinahanap na siya ng Mommy niya.

I was about to go upstairs when I heard my Mom talk behind me. “Are you two doing fine? Kayo na ba ulit? Is it final?”

Nilingon ko siya. I could feel the hint of excitement on her voice. My Dad walked towards us as he placed his arms around my Mom’s waist.

“Why do you sound so excited, Mom? Hindi pa kami. And yes, we’re both doing fine but we’re not in a relationship,” sagot ko.

“Bakit naman?” tanong ni Mommy. “Are you still not willing to risk? Are you still afraid?”

I sighed. I pursed my lips. “Yeah. What happened to us was traumatic. And he destroyed the trust I gave to him that I don’t think he would have it back.”

They sighed. Nagkatinginan sila sa akin saka tumingin sa akin.

“Hon, you once destroyed our trust,” wika ni Dad. “But look at us. Trusting you again.”

“Iba naman po kayo, Dad, eh. You’re my family. No matter how bad my mistakes are, you will still end up accepting me back.”

Umiling si Dad. He walked towards me. Umakbay siya sa akin. “You’re wrong, hon. I may hate that boy but I can see that he loves you so much. Yes, we may have differences. We are your family, and he is your… the one that got away. But we all love you at the same time. That’s our similarities.”

“And? What are you trying to say? Na I should just forgive him and accept him back because he loves me?” tanong ko. “And why is it easy for the two of you to accept him anyways?”

My Mom smiled. Lumapit na rin siya sa amin. Umakbay rin siya sa akin. “Maybe, because we believe that everyone deserves a second chance.”

I sighed. “I am really having a hard time, Mom. Sinira niya ang tiwala ko. He kept a lot of things from me before that it traumatized me. Ayoko na ulit maranasan iyon. I’m happy with my life now.”

Humiwalay si Mom sa akin saka bumuntong-hininga. She walked towards the living room kaya sumunod kami ni Dad. She sat on the sofa and crossed her legs.

“You know, Primm… I can’t forget that time when he begged on his knees just for us to accept him,” aniya.

Kumunot ang noo ko. “What do you mean? When did that happen?”

She smiled. “He was the one who brought you to the hospital when you had a miscarriage. He called us and he was crying real hard.” She sighed. “When we arrived at the hospital, he was a mess. He was crying nonstop as he kept on saying sorry. He was blaming himself for everything.”

I felt my eyes sting. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin sa kanya.

“I know that it’s a mistake to blame him for the things that had happened in the past but… he cheated on him, Mom. He kissed another girl while we were still living together,” saad ko kasabay ang pagtulo ng luha ko.

Up until now, it’s still painful. It still hurts.

“Did he really kissed the girl?” tanong ni Mommy sa akin.

Tumingin ako sa kanya. “What do you mean?”

She smiled. “Later that day, when he begged us to forgive him, he showed us proofs of the truth that you probably were asking. He gave us the CCTV footage of that event that destroyed your love.”

Nakuha nito ang atensyon ko. “Where is it? The footage? Where is it, Mom?”

“It’s in my office,” sagot ni Daddy.

Tumulo ang luha ko. “Why didn’t you tell me. I want to watch it—”

“Listen, hon,” wika ni Dad. “He didn’t cheated on you. The girl was the one who kissed him. He pushed her away but it was too late because you already saw it.”

My Mom talked, “He wasn’t seeing any woman. He was seeing his Mom when he was going to a hotel. Wala siyang ibang babae, anak.”

Napaupo ako sa pang-isahang sofa habang tumutulo ang mga luha ko. “W-Why didn’t you tell me? Sinisi ko siya Mom! Galit na galit ako sa kanya dahil sa nangyari! I told him how unworthy he is for my trust! Yet malalaman ko na hindi pala totoo lahat?!”

Humagulhol ako saka tinakpan ang mukha ko. Tahimik lang sila. “You could have told me earlier! Edi, sana hindi ako dumidistansiya sa kanya! Edi sana hindi ko siya nasaktan sa mga salita ko! We could have fixed everything!” I sobbed. “W-Why couldn’t you just open up with me?! All of you are hiding me from the dark!”

“Because you’re fragile, hon,” wika ni Dad.

“Dad, I am old enough to handle truths! Just be real to me! I am fragile because you all are comforting me with the dark! The truth is what I want! Nothing more!” asik ko.

“I’m sorry, hon,” bulong ni Mom. “I know. You’re right, we could have just tell you everything but we chose not to. But I just want you to know that you must learn to forgive Sim for the things that occurred in the past. Forgiveness matter the most, hon. It’s what matter the most.”

“Forgiveness. Trust. Honesty. Love.” Bulong ko. “That’s what matter the most, Mom.”

It’s sad that even my family hid me from the shadows of the truth. I only want the truth.

It’s heartbreaking knowing that I lost my baby for the things I thought were the truth. I hate myself for judging incredulously that I didn’t even asked questions.

We were destroyed because of false informations, lack of trust and lack of honesty.

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©️thorned_heartu