Loraine was again sitting on the bleachers in the gym. The others were busy either saving themselves from getting hit by the ball  or trying to hit it. It was volleyball time again in gym and Loraine had to sit out like every time. She sighed. It had been like this since tenth grade when the whole school got to know. They treated her like she was made of glass. They made her feel like she was more fragile than she thought of herself to be. She always wondered why her? What horrible thing had she done to receive this as her punishment. She was not normal. She could never feel normal with this specially when others treated her like she was not. Who were 'they' you might ask. 'They' were my friends, my classmates and even my family.

"Loraine!" Carlos shouted and shook my shoulders. Lightly I might add. I blinked my eyes and looked over at him. Carlos and I have been friends since we were in nappies. We did everything together. He might have been the first one to learn how to crawl but she was the first one to learn how to walk. Carlos was her Panda. She clearly remembered the day when she gave him that name and smiled at the memory. Carlos was her Panda and she was his Cupcake.

"Lo?"he asked. "Oh sorry. I must have zoned out" I gave him a sheepish smile. His lips curled up. "Oh how can we forget that you live in two worlds?" I smacked his arm. "School's over. Let's go daydreamer."he said and stared walking out of the gym. I rolled my eyes and followed him. By the time I reached the school gates Carlos was already halfway towards his car. I ran to catch up with him.

Everything happened too fast.

I reached out to him with my hand and stumbled. He must have felt my touch because he turned around and helped me to keep my balance. I was gulping in air like a maniac and could feel the blood rushing through me. My heart was pounding fast and loudly. I swear the whole world could hear it.

My heart. My stupid annoying heart.

"Whoa easy there tiger. You scared the living daylight out of me."

Carlos voice pulled me out of my self-pity. He shot me a concerned look and helped me get in the car. After checking if I was okay he himself got inside and drove off. All the way to my house neither Carlos nor I uttered a single word. The car was filled with silence-not the comfortable one. I kept looking out of the window all the way. Looking out dampened my mood even more. The sun kissed streets were crowded mostly with kids and families enjoying a warm Friday afternoon in September. They were having a normal Friday while I just had one of my attacks and was awaiting a lecture from my best friend which surprisingly hadn't started yet. I glanced at Carlos. He had a blank look which could mean anything. But if the way his hands were gripping the steering wheel of his car was any hint I'd say he was angry or annoyed at the very least. I sighed and leaned towards the window of the car so that my forehead was touching the cool glass and closed my eyes. The feeling of the sun on my face and the soft humming of the engine slowly lulled me to sleep. I was dreaming that I was soaring high in the sky among the clouds without a worry in the world. Without being sick.

Unfortunately my dream to fly-literally- was short lived. The car gave a sudden jerk which brought me back to the living world. I let out a yawn and stretched my arms. I looked around while rubbing my eyes only to realise that we were outside my house. I looked over to Carlos hoping his anger had faded but he was looking straight ahead still gripping the steering wheel. I cleared my throat and muttered a quick thank you. I grabbed the handle and pushed the car door open.

"Wait."

One word. That one word had me frozen.

I squeezed my eyes shut not really wanting this conversation to take place. My back was towards him so he couldn't exactly see my current state.

"Why?"he asked with a strained voice.

"Are you just going to talk in single syllables?" I joked trying to lighten the tense atmosphere.

"Don't."he warned.

I sighed. Apparently my trick did not work. I had to work on that if I need to fool him again. But the problem was my best friend knew me inside out and the only thing which was keeping me from blowing my frustration on him was that I knew he was doing it because he was concerned. That was the worst part. That I knew.

"You know it's not good for you."he whispered. "A little exercise never hurt anyone Panda." For the first time since we had left school he looked at me.

"But then who said that I was a part of everyone. Who said that I am normal. I am not." I said bitterly.

"Lo-"he started but I shook my head. "No Carlos. It's true. You, mom, dad, all of you treat me as if I might break anytime. And let's not get started about school. For every teenager out there school is hell but for me-for me it's pure torture. They pity me. It's on their faces as clear as crystal. They think that even if they touch me or say something inappropriate to me I might die then and there."

By the end of my small speech I was a mess. My tears just wouldn't stop. Since I had been diagnosed, two years ago, I had never shed a single tear because of my health. Atleast not in front of anyone. Till now. I mentally scolded myself for breaking down in front of Carlos. Everyone thought I was going with the flow and being positive about it. That was as true as Santa being real. A story made up to bring joy. What happened behind the closed doors of my room was something only I knew and now, Carlos too. The frustration weighing me down the whole day would come out in the form of salt water at night. I would wake up the next day with a sticky face only to repeat the same cycle all over again.

Carlos made me face him and hugged me. A tight hug which made me cry even harder. I buried my face in his t-shirt and sobbed. "Let it all out,  Cupcake." So that's what I did.

                                                         *****

Coronary Artery Disease. It is the building up of plague in the arteries which blocks the blood flow and heightens the risk of heart attack and stroke. I was diagnosed in tenth grade. I was never really a sportsperson but in tenth grade I decided to change that. Everyone around me would joke that I was too lazy getting tired so easily but who knew that I was different.

Oh, the irony.

I wanted to try out for the school basketball team. I begged one of my friends who had already made the team to help me since I had no clue about basketball. We decided to work on my horrible skills everyday after school. It was common for the school teams to practice after school in the ground. The hardcore sessions went on for a week. I would even practice at home. It was like I was going to play to save my life not to join the school team. I didn't realise that I was stressing myself with these sessions until I fainted in one of them.

Trisha dribbled the ball over to me and before I could take it the world went black. I woke up in the school infirmary only to see that my mom was in there talking to the nurse and that I was lying in those white beds. "Mom" I croaked. The nurse and mom turned their heads toward me. Before I could say anything else an intense pain went through my chest. I held my hands over it and in the process fell down. I had shut my eyes and my ears were ringing  so I couldn't see nor hear what was happening around me. The only thing I could feel was the pain. I remember it being so excruciating that I fainted again. Next time when I woke up I could see the white walls of the hospital and hear the beeping sounds from the monitor kept beside the bed. My parents were a mess. I opened my mouth to say something but no sound came. My lips were parched and throat dry. My mom on realising that I was awake ran from the double seat she was sharing with dad. After all the hugs and waterworks I got to know what was wrong with me. After the doctor explained my disease my mom said the typical phrase that parents use.

Guess.

Yup, it was the - 'You're going to be okay'.

Lie.

I was not okay. I am not okay. And I will never be okay.