Saturday, August 24

"Maddie? MADDIE" I hear a voice cry.

It's my mom. Her voice is mixed with others, some sounding sad and others sounding heartbroken. I try to look around but my muscles won't allow me. Why can't I move? I see someone step into my view but I can't clearly see them, they're very blurry.

"Maddie can you hear me?" Someone says.

I'm not too sure of who this voice belongs too. I can hear them but my mouth won't open and allow me to speak. It's like my mouth is sowed shut.

"Maddie talk to me" I hear the person say.

I'm trying so hard to talk but I can't, my eyes feel as if they can no longer stay open. I'm tired, very tired, I need a nap.

"No maddie, don't go to sleep. Stay with us." The man says.

I have to go to sleep, I can't stay up for much longer. I allow my eyes to close and the world soon drifts away and I'm not sure if I will make it back.
——-
There's a time in our lives when we feel completely empty, hopeless and lost. You feel like you don't belong anywhere. Like you don't deserve the right to love, or to be loved.

You feel everything has been taken from you and the world is against you. That's the place I'm currently stuck in.

Tomorrow is the day that school starts up again and boy am I excited, note the sarcasm. My best friend Renee insisted that we go out today since tomorrow is our last day of summer. All I want to do is lay in my bed and do nothing all day. I know that won't do me any good though so I agreed to go out with her, not that I would've said no anyways.

I look in my abnormally small closet for something to wear. I hope she doesn't expect me to dress up, because I don't do 'dress up.' I find some jean shorts and a random T-shirt that I found that was barely hanging onto the hanger. I take the clothes into one of the two bathrooms we have around in the house.

I undress in front of the mirror. I always wished I was Renee's size. She is very beautiful; Renee has Carmel colored skin which I love, she has black curly hair and beautiful brown eyes and is also very skinny while also maintaining an hourglass figure. I am by no means skinny, but I'm not overweight either. My friends say I'm 'thick' but I know it's a cover up for the word fat.

I allow myself to look in the mirror. My black hair sticks out everywhere from my sleep. I have some good qualities, right? My eyes are pretty.. I guess. Good qualities? Yeah right.

I slip into the shower and let the hot water pour over my body, waking me up. Showers always calm me; unless I stay under the hot water too long, then I have a panic attack. How? Well I'm not sure but apparently hot water is a big trigger for panic attacks.

I stay in the shower for a while, letting the water calm my racing mind. I decide that I've been in here long enough and I should probably get out. I started having that awful feeling in my stomach, signalling a panic attack which confirms that I need to get out.

I slip on my underwear then my bra that I've probably been wearing for about 2 months now but who's counting? I shimmy my shorts up my thick, pale legs and pull the shirt over my head that I just now took a good look at; It's a tom and jerry shirt. I brush my teeth and wash my face after that.

After I finally get myself dressed, I walk out of the bathroom. My mind tells me I look good but my mirror says otherwise. I walk into the kitchen where my mom and dad are sitting and eating breakfast. Carter isn't at the table so I guess he hasn't woken up yet. Dad usually makes breakfast since mom cooks dinner for us.

I grab myself a plate and get a little pile of scrambled eggs and bacon. My appetite hasn't been the same. I'm never exactly 'hungry' now and I don't eat much at all. I sit down across from my mom and dad.

"Hey, is it alright if I go out today with Renee?" I ask them.

My parents aren't like other parents and let them go anywhere without them even having to ask.

"Of course hun." My mom says with a smile on her face, obviously thrilled.

Probably because I never ask to go anywhere. I usually just stay in, sulking.

"It's good for you to get out." My dad says. "Me and mom will be gone anyways."

If I had to pick my favorite parent I would pick my dad without even thinking about it. Of course I absolutely love my mom, my dad just understands me more.

I finish my plate and put it up in the sink. I look at the time on the oven, It glows in green numbers: 9:00. Renee won't be here for another 20 minutes at least even though we're neighbors, so I decide to go for a walk. Since its August, it's about 60 degrees here. I know your thinking: who wears shorts in that weather? That would be me, I highly enjoy the cold.

I inform my parents and head out the door with my iPhone and AirPods in hand. I am not exactly poor, we have good money but I don't throw it around like others would.

I turn on 'when I was your man' by Bruno Mars; I absolutely love this song. I start singing out loud, not being able to handle it. Anybody who has ever heard me sing says I sound really good. Do I believe them? I do, until I hear a recording of myself singing.

"Mmm to young, to dumb to realize

That I should've bought you flowers

And held your hand

Should've gave you all my hours

When I had the chance

Take ya to every party cause I remember how much you love to dance

Do all the things I should've done

When I was your man."

When the song ends, I am a couple of houses down from my own. I try not to let my eyes linger somewhere for too long just Incase someone comes strolling out of their house. I scroll through my music and click on 'you are the reason' by Callum Scott.

I go through about three more songs after that and it's 9:15. I decide it's time to head back home.

I don't wanna be too late, Renee might punch me in my head. No sarcasm there, she's a violent person. We both are but she's way ahead of me. We wrestle a lot to see who's 'stronger' and she has won more than me. Only by a couple though, but who's keeping score? Oh wait, I am.

I am only a couple houses away from my own. As I am about to pass Renee's house the big red door to her house opens. I see her brown skin peeking out the cracked door; I've always loved Renee's skin color. She spots me and a big smile plasters across her face and she starts walking down her driveway to meet up with me.

"Hey hoe." She greets me.

"Hey slut, strip clubs that way." I say pointing to her shirt where she tries to show what little boobs she has.

Renee is flat but she doesn't ever seem to mind though.

"Are you jealous? No, I know what you want, you want to see them don't ya? I'll show them but it'll cost you." She says smirking.

"Sorry left my dollar bills in my room, though I would love to see them." I say sarcastically.

"Ah sucks to be you. You ready?" She asks me.

"Yep, just let me tell mom and dad." I say and walk off.

"Get them dollar bills while your at it and I'll put on a show for ya." She calls after me.

"Turning to prostitution already?" My mom says, laughing as she walks out of the door.

My mom and dad have always had a sense of humor.

I laugh at her and say "You know it mom" I wink at her. "Me and Renee are leaving now."

"Alrighty! Have fun sweetie, me and dad probably won't be back when you get here.

"We have a busy day." My mom says.

My mom and dad think they have to do work on the weekends. My dad works for the FBI as a homicide detective, so he probably got called on a case. My mom is a dentist. So yeah, we make big bucks. Not to brag because I hate people who throw their money around.

I hop into Renee's '78 Ford Bronco. Yeah, she's got a classic. I really like her car, I would've preferred having a classic, but I like my car. I have a matte maroon Jeep Wrangler, it was christmas present. I would have been fine with an old shit box, but I'm glad I didn't get that. My jeep has a pretty big lift on it and it has features to make everyone stop and stare when they see it.

Renee pulls out of her driveway and we are on our way to....where are we going anyways?

"Rayray, where are we going?" I ask.

"We, my friend, have a day full of fun planned for us." Renee replies.

I don't push any further because, boy is she stubborn and she probably wouldn't give up. One of our favorite song comes on onto the radio. We look over to each other and give our biggest smiles. Angels and demons by jxdn.

"Two faced, two faced yeah

Black white, left right, yeah

Up down, all night."

"AND ALL THESE ANGELS AND DEMONS ARE SHOUTIN AND SCREAMIN IM FALLIN FROM EDEN. SO FUCK ME LIKE A ROCK STAR DANCING ON A COP CAR NOTHING IN THE WORLD CAN STOP ME NOW." Me and ray sing- no shout at the top of our lungs.

Ray is dancing around in her seat. I can't dance but Renee is super good at it, though she won't admit it. Stubborn bitch.

"Would you mind driving?" I say sarcastically, gesturing to her hands that have disappeared from the wheel.

"What this isn't allowed in the 'driving world'?" She says and laughs at me. I roll my eyes at her but can't help the laugh that slips out.

We arrive at our first 'mystery' place. She took me to a... Liquor store?

"Relax we're not going there; there." She pointed into a direction.

She points to a place called 'altitude.'

"OH MY GOSH I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO GO HERE. YOU ARE THE BEST BITCH EVER." I yell at her.

I've always wanted to go to this trampoline park, I just have never had the time or money. Tickets are pretty high here. She laughs and gets out of the car. I follow and also get out of the car. As soon as I make it over to her, I suffocate her in a hug.

We walk into the ticket room and they give us our wristbands. I look around to see that the place surprisingly isn't as crowded as I expected. Man, it is awesome though. It has a line of trampolines to the wall and trampolines on the side leaned against the wall. It has foam cube pits and all kinds of obstacle courses. Today anxiety will not define me, I will define me. Yeah right, you always give in.

I slip on the special socks and flip onto one of the trampolines. I bounce back up and Renee is suddenly beside me with a smirk on her face. She pushes me into a wall only to bounce back up.

"RAYRAY YOU SLUTTY WHORE" I yell, like I said, anxiety is not a part of me today.

Even though I say that, I still look around to make sure no one is staring at me. A group of about five hot guys were looking over at us. Giving me the "is she an idiot?" look. You're embarrassing yourself.  I probably am embarrassing myself! They were so hot though, I would let them do anything they pleased to me. PUHlease run me over with your car. I wish they weren't looking at me like that though, It makes me want to curl up in a ball and die. You need too.

I push my thoughts to the back of them mind then quickly dart my eyes away from them so they don't think I'm weird. I expect to see Renee in front of me but instead she's disappeared. Completely.

"Ray?" I call out as I walk to the foam pit.

Someone suddenly pops out of the foam pit yelling.

"AHHHH!" I scream, then I realize it was ray.

"BLOODY HELL RENEE! I almost pissed myself."

No, I am not British. I just absolutely love the words 'bloody hell'. Renee is in a laughing fit, hunched over and holding her stomach.

"Your...AHAHAHA...face....oh my gosh...AHAHAHA"

I fake pout at her and walk away like a dramatic baby.

"I'm sorry!" She says behind me.

I turn around and smile at her, throwing her into the matted floor. I hover my body over hers, making sure to keep control. I grab her wrist and hold them them above her head. She kicks her legs all around and then flips our positions where I am now lying on the floor, face down and she's on top of me. How did that even happen? She grabs my hand and puts them behind my back. I squeeze out of her grip and I flip over where we at face to face and take her hand and flip her onto the floor. Her back hits the floor with a loud bang.

"HAH I WIN YOU PSYCHO!" I yell at her.

I hear clapping and 'wooing' around us. I look up to see the same group of guys I saw earlier. They all have smirks on their faces and are looking down at us. I smile at the thought of them watching me beat Rayray up but my smile immediately disappears. They where probably just watching Renee. The fact also gives me more anxiety than it should have. They probably seen all my fat flying around.

I stand up and make sure that my butt isn't facing the guys, I don't want them looking. Who would look anyways? I offer Renee a hand to help her up. I'm not that much of a bitch. She takes my hand and I pull her off of the ground.

"Oh my geez! They're so hot." Renee says gesturing to the group of guys that was cheering us on.

"Yeah? You should go talk to them" I say, smirking at Renee.

"You think? Ah screw it, I'm going in." Renee says marching over to one of the guys.

She has so much confidence.

She picks a guy with brown hair and green eyes. He's ripped, you can see his arms bulging out of his shirt. Renee has always been more outgoing and confident than me, I would never do something like that.

Renee looks back at me and mouths "come here" but I shake my head and mouth "no way." She excuses herself from the guy she was talking too and marches over to me with a smirk on her face.

"Come over there with me mads. No way you can pass up an opportunity like this. Come on you slut." Before I could protest, I was being pulled by my arm. I dig my heals into the matted floor trying to make her stop, but she just dragged me over there anyways.

"Boys, this is Maddison." She says to the guys standing in front of us. They're even more hotter up close.

"Hi" I say quietly looking at my feet, making sure I don't make eye contact with any of them.

"Mads, this is Ethan" Ethan is a Blondie with blue eyes. He's not as big and buff as the others. She points to another guy, "Oliver." He had blue eyes and brown hair that he had styled. I wanted to reach over and touch his hair, it looks so soft. Is that weird? Gosh maddie, you're a freak. "River" she says and points to a blonde hair, green eyed boy. She points to the guy she had been talking to "Griffin." He has black hair and brown eyes. He was super buff all around. She pointed to the last guy."Hayden" Man was he fine. He has a 'bad boy' vibe going on. Brown hair with beautiful hazel eyes. He had a nose ring which he made really attractive. He had tattoos all the way up to his neck and looked really buff; I know there's abs under his shirt.

Hayden looks at me with an intense gaze. Almost as if he hates me; he doesn't even know me though. I would hate you too. I look back down at my feet, unsure of what to do now.

I excuse myself to go get some food at the food court at the corner of the building. I do it just to get away from them though, I'm not hungry. You don't need food anyways.

I sit down at a table in the food court. I have absolutely nothing to do, so I pull out my phone and scroll through Instagram.

I hear voices near me so I look up and see the boys and Renee ordering food. Traitor. I look back down at my phone to avoid unnecessary eye contact. I soon feel a presence near me. I look up to see Oliver, I think it was, standing at the other side of my table.

"May I?" He asks, gesturing to the chair.

I almost pass out when I realize he has a british accent. I love their accents and his just hits completely different.

"Sure" I say and smile.

His eyes meet mine but I tear mine away quickly. Eye contact doesn't settle well with me. I try just to ignore the anxiety building up in my stomach. It's just a guy Maddie geez. Just a guy with a hot british accent my subconscious adds. Who probably doesn't spare you a second look.

"Are you hungry? I can get you something to eat." Oliver says to me.

I might actually pass out. I'm not sure if I can deal with this!

"No thanks, I'm not hungry." I say and give him a smile.

"Tell me about yourself." He says. Real classic.

"What would you like to know?"

My stomach is tied in knots for no apparent reason. Why is it so hard to talk to a guy?

"Hmm, you play any sports?" He ask.

"Yeah, I play soccer. Boring, I know." I say.

You'd think I don't play sports because of my size, but surprise, I do.

"Not boring at all actually. You know, my mom made me do ballet when I was 5." He says.

I bursted out in laughter.

"No way!"

"Yes way!" He said laughing with me.

I hope my laugh isn't annoying. It is, so much for hoping.

"How long have you and Renee been friends?" Oliver asks me.

"Since we were seven. I'm not sure how I've put up with her annoying ass." I say truthfully.

I love her but she's annoying to say the least. So are you.

"What about you? How long have you been friends with them? Which ones your best friend?" I ask Oliver.

Oh god, am I talking too much? He's gonna hate me. He probably already hates you, why wouldn't he?

"Ah them assholes. We've been friends since middle school. My best friend would have to be Hayden. Believe it or not, but he's the most chill out of all of them." He explains to me.

"Surprising. He looks like a real dick head to me." I say.

"That he is. You just have to get on his good side." He says to me.

"Where are you from?" I ask.

"UK, Birkenhead to be exact." He says

"I wish I had an English accent"

"Is that so? You can have mine, let me just rip it out." He says and I laugh.

I find it easy to talk to Oliver. He's a very easy going and nice person. We get lost in loads of conversations about stupid things we've done. One time he went to school drunk and kissed one of his teachers, then when the principle asked him why, he said "She was basically eye raping me, so I had to do something about it."

"You ready to go Mads?" Renee comes up to me and asks. I am currently laughing so much I can barely breathe. Tears are spilling out of the corners of my eyes, I don't think I've laughed this hard in a while. Oliver just told me a story of how one time, he went to school in leggings, and he was commando.

"Yeah" I say recovering from laughing.

"Hey sweet pea, can I get your number before you leave?"

Oliver picked up the nickname from a story I told him from my childhood. My mom was trying time feed me some peas and I told her " I don't want none of your damn peas, I want a donut." I said that when I was 5. It sends chills down my spine, but I try to ignore it.

"Yeah, sure" I say. I ignore the knot building up in my stomach.

Me and Ray finally leave after saying goodbye's to everyone and exchanging numbers, by that I mean, Renee getting all of the guys numbers. I only talked to Oliver , so thats all the numbers I need.

We walk out to rays car and get in. She starts it up and we are on our way home after what seems a century.

"So you and Oliver really hit it off, huh?" Ray asked me.

"Yeah, he's a cool guy."

"Pretty hot guy." She says.

"Eh, I've seen hotter." I say jokingly.

"You're such a whore" Ray says and laughs.

"Maybe, but you still love me."

"Debatable." Ray says and we start laughing.

For the first time in my life, I am actually enjoying myself and putting all my worries behind, it feels absolutely amazing. I feel like I don't have anything I have to worry about. I am on top of the world and nothing can stop me.

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Hello!! I hope you liked the first chapter:) I am going to try to update every week! Thanks for stopping by! (at the top is Renee's Bronco)
Word count:3874
vote⭐️ and comment!
some people where confused about the top italicized portion, that is just a teaser! It isn't a flashback or a dream:)
by the way the italicized line are maddison's subconscious. since she has depression it's like a little devil sitting on her shoulder and poking at her every chance it gets.
Revised & edited: 9-19-24