Months passed, and the seasons changed. The colors in the land faded, and the leaves died out, leaving behind empty tree frames. The birds disappeared, too, because winter had arrived; ice-cold crystals, storm blizzards, and all. The seasons had changed... And so did Wang Yi.

Ever since that night in Shang Yu, Yi was not been the same. He talked less, and he stopped drawing. In the middle of the night — every night, he would wake up caked in sweat, and his face covered in tears from his nightmares. His eyes seemed lifeless, and he walked with his shoulders slumped over. He stopped smiling, too.

Xiao Fang's heart ached to see his lover so empty of life. And though Yi kept him close, suffocating Xiao Fang in his dorm room from morning till night with silence, he refused to mention what happened in Shang Yu.

Over thirty-six soldiers from the Red Army died in Shang Yu. An incompetent man, and a failure of a leader; Yi called himself after that incident. Xiao Fang liked to fool himself into believing Yi's sudden change in behavior might have gotten something to do with the deaths of those soldiers because Yi had failed his men and walked them into a death trap. However, deep in Xiao Fang's heart, he could tell it was something else... Something more was eating his lover from the inside out, draining him of life.

It seemed like; Yi did not want to be himself anymore.

Perhaps, he had died that night... Or a part of him at least.

"I don't know what's going on... I'm not sure if you're aware... But the Commander hasn't been eating lately," Wen Han said, looking Xiao Fang in the eyes. They were standing in front of Yi's dorm room in the late afternoon. Wen Han had called him over; the soldier seemed worried, and helpless — agitated when Xiao Fang arrived a good minute ago. "You're his friend... The Commander considers you a brother. And... You're the only one he talks to these days," Wen Han went on, staring at the bowl of fish broth, and potatoes in his hands. "He won't come to the door... If you can give him this — and see to it ‌he eats... I... I would be grateful."

The longer Xiao Fang stared at the bowl in Wen Han's hand, the more he felt... Empty. How could he have missed this? His lover was not eating — he had been starving himself, so how could Xiao Fang not realize this earlier?!

Pathetic; Xiao Fang would have slapped himself silly if Wen Han wasn't around.

Instead, he swallowed the lump in his throat and plastered a smile before collecting the piping-hot bowl from Wen Han's hands. "I'll get it to him," he said, hating how his voice cracked. "Thank you."

"Take care of him," Wen Han muttered before walking off.

Take care of him; Xiao Fang gritted his teeth. He was such a foolish man. How could he not realize his lover was slowly killing himself? And he foolishly believed he was taking care of him.

The minute Wen Han went out of sight, Xiao Fang slapped himself. The first time was not hard enough. Neither was the second time. The third time stung a little. The fourth time left an imprint on his cheek that faded quickly. It was not enough — was not painful enough. He wanted to inflict more. However, feeling his palm burning from the broth, he straightened his shoulders before fishing out the spare keys to Yi's room.

The minute Xiao Fang opened the door and closed it shut behind him, he almost choked.

The room was a mess, and the air was stale. Cobwebs took over the ceilings, and dust caked the floors. No one had cleaned the window in ages, either. Now, mold took over the glass panel, blocking the sight of the mountains Xiao Fang loved. Unread files were scattered on top of the desk, and unwashed clothes covered the chairs, too.

Xiao Fang had spent most of his time inside this very room. He had offered to clean it multiple times, and each time Yi told him to leave it — It'll make me feel better if you leave it, Xiao Fang. Not Fang-ge. Yi called him, Xiao Fang. And Xiao Fang blindly agreed.

He thought he was doing the right thing. He thought his lover only needed time. He thought it would make Yi feel better. Now, looking at this room with a different set of eyes, the crypt Yi created for himself, Xiao Fang realized he thought wrong.

Come to think of it; Yi was not only killing himself... He was burying himself in this dirty room.

He needed to fix this... This madness would end today.

His eyes searched the silhouette of the figure slumped on the bed.

Yi lay on his left side with his back facing away from the door. He was not sleeping; Xiao Fang knew this much. He seldom slept early, even before his behavior changed.

"Yi?" he said.

The minute his voice reached Yi's ears, the younger man twisted around.

"You're back," he said, shuffling to sit up against the headboard. And although his eyes were dull, as if he had reached old age, he still forced a small smile.

Xiao Fang, too, forced a smile. "Mn," he hummed, staring back at the bowl in his hand. "I brought you something to eat... It's fish broth — and potatoes."

"Oh," Yi sighed, waving a dismissive hand. "Leave it on the table, I'll eat later."

As Xiao Fang's fingers tightened around the bowl, no; he wanted to say. "It's late," he mumbled instead and took a seat on the bed beside Yi. "It's going to get cold. Don't you want to eat now, Yi?"

The room fell into an eerie quietness.

"It's alright," Yi said.

It was not alright. Xiao Fang so desperately wanted to help — he wanted to fix everything. And yet... Fix what? Had somebody hurt his lover in Shang Yu? He would fight them; hunt them down if he had to — kill them.

Xiao Fang's breath hitched, and his eyes dropped back to the bowl on his lap. For now, he must make sure Yi eats.

"I can feed you," he said in a desperate tone. "Do you want me to feed you?"

Yi looked at him, and he looked so destroyed and content at the same time – it played with Xiao Fang's mind. "I'm not really hungry, Fang-ge," he said before turning his attention to the window, pretending to look outside at the snowfall behind the moldy glass.

There was nothing to look at.

Xiao Fang chewed on his lower lip, contemplating if he should just come clean. Wouldn't it hurt Yi, though? Should he raise his tone? Should he sound demanding? Wouldn't it break his darling Yi more, though?

"Can you please stop lying to me, Yi?" he said before he could stop himself.

Yi seemed taken back for a second. Yet, he shrugged it off, and his eyes were back on Xiao Fang. "What are you talking about?" he asked, pretending to not know.

"I know you haven't been eating, okay?" Xiao Fang finally admitted. "Wen Han told me — and I can't believe I haven't noticed. So, can you just eat? I'll feed you... So just eat."

"That bastard," Yi mumbled under his breath. "I don't want to eat though."

"Why?"

"I don't want to eat," Yi repeated.

"So, you're just going to starve yourself?" Xiao Fang asked, staring at Yi in disbelief. "Childish. Do you want to die so badly? I don't understand — you won't talk to me about anything anymore. Yi —"

"Xiao Fang," Yi said, his tone deep, commanding. "That's enough... Don't start."

"No!" Xiao Fang lashed out and shove the blow onto Yi's lap. He had enough of this childishness. "This foolishness ends today Yi — I don't care what you say, you're going to eat this, and when you're done... You're going to tell me what the fuck happened in Shang Yu."

"Don't boss me around Xiao Fang — you're not my father," Yi raised his voice.

Yi's words startled Xiao Fang and his eyes doubled. "What?" he asked in disbelief.

The last time his lover had raised his voice on him, they were enemies; men who despised each other.

"Just... Just know your place," Yi said, stirring the broth with the spoon, avoiding Xiao Fang's attention. "You seem to forget... You're still a prisoner."

Damn you, Wang Yi.

Xiao Fang would have fretted about those exact words. However, he remembered his lover was a broken man. Broken people usually say things they do not mean. "You don't mean that," he whispered.

"Yes, I do," Yi stubbornly said,

"No, you don't."

Yi's eyes pierced through Xiao Fang — like a warning, a fake threat. "Xiao Fang —" he flung the bowl of broth to the opposite end of the room. "Stop talking."

Xiao Fang scrambled off the bed — his heart a racing mess. For a moment, he could not believe what just happened. The broth pitched everywhere, splashing against the wall, and on the floor — the whole room smelt of spices. Such temperament; had Yi gone insane?

"I'm not going to let you intimidate me, Wang Yi!" Xiao Fang yelled. "I know what you're trying to do, and it will not work. Now stop this."

"And what if I don't?" Yi challenged.

"If you don't, I'm going to... I'm going to..." What was he going to do? He was powerless. Tears started clouding Xiao Fang's vision — he hated this. "Please stop," his voice cracked. "Or talk to me — tell me something, anything. Please... I've been trying..." And he had — he had done everything of which he could think. Nothing was enough, though. "Please, just talk to me. Whatever happened to you in Shang Yu... I won't judge."

Yi was already out of bed, hurrying by Xiao Fang's side before the older man could finish his sentence. "Don't cry, Fang-ge," he pleaded, distress was written all over his face. "I'm sorry... I didn't mean to — to," he gestured over to the floors, soiled with broth. "I'm sorry, Fang-ge."

Xiao Fang was not aware he was crying.

He was a weak man... But it did not matter.

"Can you talk to me?" Xiao Fang asked, ignoring the tears trailing down his face.

"You're going to hate me," Yi said after a minute of silence.

Xiao Fang wiped his eyes dry and took hold of his lover's hand. The younger man's fingers were long and covered in hard blisters. "No matter what," he said, kissing the tips of Yi's fingers. "I promise I won't hate you. Believe me, Yi."

"Fang-ge." Yi sighed in defeat before leading Xiao Fang back to the bed. They were sitting side-by-side, facing each other. Yi bit his lower lip hard, and said, "What I'm about to tell you... You might hate me... Forever —"

"Yi —"

"I killed someone, Fang-ge."

Xiao Fang's narrowed his eyes at the younger man. He did not understand. Yi had killed someone... Okay? And? Wasn't that the whole point of joining a war?

"Okay," Xiao Fang said.

"... I killed a child." A sob escaped Yi's mouth, and he quickly lowered his head to avoid Xiao Fang's baffled eyes. "An innocent, harmless child," he went on, fidgeting with his trembling fingers. "I snatched his life... And the last thing he saw before he closed his eyes... Was me. I should've died there. It would've been better. It should've been me instead of him. I don't deserve to live... Not after what I've done. I didn't even notice him... He was hiding behind a cart — just hiding there — I couldn't see him. There was a soldier there, too. I was shooting at that damn soldier — I didn't know he was there. I killed them both."

When another sob — a pitiful thing — left Yi's mouth, and tears flowed down his face like cascades, soaking everything it touched, Xiao Fang clasped his palm over his lover's lap, wordlessly reassuring him... He was not judging.

The young soldier made a mistake... And he would live with this burden forever.

It was all right, though. It was okay. It was war... And sometimes war zones became chaotic, destructive places. It was not right... But it was painfully understandable.

"Yi," Xiao Fang said after a minute of silence. "Everything is going to be alright."

Yi's red-rimmed eyes met him. "I'm more than a monster, Fang-ge," he said with confidence in a broken tone. "Don't you hate me?"

"You're not," Xiao Fang nodded lightly. "And I don't."

"...I am."

"It wasn't your fault."

"I deserve to die," Yi bit out and squeezed his palms into fists against his lap.

No — please do not say that; Xiao Fang wanted to say. Instead, he said in a shaky tone, "It wasn't your fault." He was terrified that his lover might try to kill himself. He had seen it repeatedly; soldiers ending their lives when met with a burden they could not cope with. "You can't go on living in guilt... You can't keep carrying this weight. It wasn't your fault."

"Xiao Fang — he was a child."

The child's death left Yi with a broken heart. And yet, the selfish desire inside Xiao Fang would admit, that he did not care. Or he did not care enough because he wanted his lover back. Would his lover ever come back to him, though? What was he to do?!

"If I know you were at fault, I would've killed you myself Yi," Xiao Fang said. "It wasn't your fault... Please it wasn't your fault. So, stop this — stop blaming yourself. I can't stand seeing you in pain."

"I don't know how to make the pain go away, Fang-ge," Yi said before he touched the place where his heart lay. "It feels... Like there's a hole in my heart."

"The pain... It'll never go away," Xiao Fang said. "But... It will ease in time."

"You think so?"

Xiao Fang inched closer to Yi. "I can help you... We can... We can fix this together."

"Sometimes I think about killing myself," Yi whispered the thought Xiao Fang dreaded.

Xiao Fang wanted to scream. "No — no — no," the words left his mouth. "No, Yi. Please... No... I need you... Yi."

"Fang-ge?"

"Please — I'll help you." Xiao Fang cupped the sides of his lover's face before burying his face against Yi's neck, crying. "Please promise me — promise me you're going to get better."

"Stop crying," Yi wrapped his arms around him, holding him close, keeping him safe.

"Just come back to me... Please," he begged. "I miss you. I miss your smile — I miss — please. You must try... You have to get better. Please. Please. Please — I'll help you."

Yi hooked a finger under his chin and tilted his head until their eyes met. "I did think about it... But then I think about you," he said, smiling a genuine smile at Xiao Fang for the first time in months. "I don't intend on leaving you alone in this — this hell-hole, Fang-ge." His eyes were baby-soft and achingly empty, and full of longing at the same time — he didn't understand. "Now, come... Stop this crying... And come here. I'm not going to hurt myself. I was just afraid you would hate me... And I was afraid I would lose myself. I didn't lose myself, though. And you're here — you've always been here... It just took me a long time to realize that. Thank you for not giving up on me."

Xiao Fang looked him in the eyes. "Yi?"

"What I'm trying to say is; that everything's going to be alright," Yi said, pressing their foreheads together before his lips covered Xiao Fang's lips.

When Yi kissed him rough, almost hungry — biting his lips, tasting him — letting lose all the months of pent-up frustration, Xiao Fang closed his eyes, melting himself against his lover's chest.

The younger man's lips, his mouth, his tongue — his shuddered breaths were like a drug on Xiao Fang's tongue. Drinking him whole like an addict; desperate.

Xiao Fang let out a shaky breath when Yi parted his lips.

"Let's make love, Fang-ge," Yi pressed his forehead against Xiao Fang's, smiling. "Tonight... Let's make love."