With (NO) love, Tyler-Jane Roberts

I have always hated my birthday.

There was nothing I enjoyed about it. When I was young, it was always a day forgotten about by my mother, and once I moved in with Silas's family, it always made me uncomfortable to watch them stretch the small amount of money that was leftover me.

No matter what we did on the day to celebrate, I always spent it with the three boys. That's all I needed. I didn't care to fill the house with strangers who pretended like they knew who I was or even cared about why they were there - I loathed the attention that brought. We always stayed in on the night of my birthday - nothing wild ever came from those nights. And that's what I liked best about it.

Much to the surprise of many, throughout my lifetime, I had never been to jail or gotten in trouble with the police. Well, there were a few incidents that I ended up talking my way out of or running away from. 

That all changed tonight.

For the first time in my life, I, Tyler-Jane Roberts, had my wrists chained to a table - at a police station, at least.

"Do you understand how serious this is, Miss Roberts?"

"Mm?" I tilted my head up, looking at the older gentleman sitting in front of me. "Oh, yeah. So, do I get to make my one phone call now or how does this all work?"

Just as the question left my lips, my attention was pulled to the commotion from outside the interrogation room. The door swung open to none other than Jeff.

Great - just when I thought this night couldn't get any better.

"You," he pointed to the man, "Out. Now."

"Who are you?"

"Detective Rogers," a voice said from behind Jeff.

The man let out a frustrated sigh, quickly collected his things and exited the room. The door slammed shut, leaving me alone with a very angry looking Jeff.

"What the fuck were you thinking?"

"Did Carter call you?"

Jeff raised a brow. "Of course he fucking called me."

"Where is he?"

"Outside in the parking lot. I wanted to figure out what the fuck was going on before I spoke with him." Jeff crossed his arms over his chest as he paced back and forth. "What the fuck were you thinking? Having that much oxycontin on you?"

"It was oxy?"

"Don't play dumb with me. I'm trying to make this all go away - do you really think I'm going to rat you out?"

"It wasn't mine."

He scoffed. "Oh, please."

"It wasn't!" I repeated. "This jacket isn't mine."

The anger from his face quickly fell; it was like I could see the gears in his head working. "Shit," he stepped away from the desk and made his way towards the door. His next words weren't directed to me, but to whatever unfortunate soul was in the hallway. "Would you fucking unhandcuff her already?"

"What do you think he's going to do to me?"

Hank got up from his seat and walked to my side. "You took the fall - he's going to make this go away. If he does anything except say thank you, I'll kick his ass."

A smile twitched on my lips. "I don't think thank you is in Jeff's vocabulary."

"Do you have any idea why Carter would have that shit in the first place?"

I kept my eyes on the one-way glass, watching Jeff strut around the precinct and order officers to do various tasks as if he were their boss. That question had been on my mind since the pills were discovered. And every time I ended up with no answer sent a pain through my chest. "I have no idea," I finally mumbled in response. "I thought he had a problem with drinking."

"You haven't talked to anyone else about what's been going on the past month, have you?"

I shook my head. "It's not my story to tell."

Anyone who knew what had been going on for the past month was a part of Carter's team - the people he told himself. The only person I had told was Hank, and that was only for business reasons. As the band's manager, I didn't want him to start thinking I had suddenly stopped caring about my duties and responsibilities in the band. I only needed flexibility right now in order to be at Carter's side when needed.

Hank had advised me to tell the other boys at least part of what was going on. But my answer was always the same. It wasn't my story to tell. I wasn't going to be the one to ought what Carter was suffering through, even to those I trusted most. Even telling them part or the smallest crumb of information felt like an invasion of his privacy.

I could tell Silas was growing annoyed at me, throwing comments around about how I was never fully present. I couldn't get mad at him for it - I was barely holding on during anything we did.

And now, here I was standing idly by in an interrogation room with no idea why my boyfriend had a container of pills in his jacket pocket. If it weren't for Hank being in here with me, I would have probably had a breakdown by now from being locked in here for the past few hours.

"Who's that guy?" I asked, pointing to the short, balding man that was walking alongside Jeff.

"I think that's their lawyer." He noticed my confused expression and added, "As I said, he's going to make this go away."

"How does someone make something like this go away?"

"Money." Hank grinned, shoving his hands into his pant pockets. "But don't think this means you and the boys can get away with whatever you want. My pockets aren't lined like this. And even if they were, I don't bail out idiots."

"Yes, Uncle Hank," I said, shooting him a dramatic eye roll.

If I was being honest with myself, I had no idea where we would be without Hank in our lives. I'd probably be dead. Or in a ditch somewhere. Or both. It was hard to tell. He radiated a sense of warmth; he was like a fatherly figure most of us had never had or lacked for some time. It was easy to call him Uncle Hank because that's exactly what he was. Family.

Sometimes I forgot our entire first interaction started with him bringing up the guy who knocked up my Mom. We never spoke about it - Hank always said he never wanted to make me feel uncomfortable, but he made it known that he would always be a listening ear for me. It didn't take much research to discover that the two were close back in the day. Although, Hank made it clear their current communication was non-existent. Except for the letter. That damn letter I had never opened.

If it weren't for my mother's comments about burning it, I probably would have never cared to know what it had said. But ever since that last meeting with her, I was itching to do so.

However, now there were much more pressing matters at hand. Like why the fuck I had been trapped in a police station for the past couple of hours due to my boyfriend having pills I had never seen or known about before.

The hardest thing I had seen him smoke was a cigarette. Now he suddenly moved on to popping pills? Something wasn't adding up. And I was worried the truth would be more terrifying than living in blissful ignorance over who Carter Young truly was.

The door flew open, revealing Jeff and Big Mike standing on the other side.

"Hank, I want you in the car with us. Ryan can drive your car to the house," he said, extending his hand and waiting for the keys. "We'll be going out the back. There are no issues outside but we still need to take precautions. Good?"

Hank nodded. "Yes. I'm assuming this means we are all heading back to Carter's?"

"Precisely. Let's finish-"

"Hold on!" I said, meeting the eyes of the other men in the room. "I can just... leave?"

Jeff cleared his throat. "Yes."

"Why?"

The two managers exchanged a quick glance before Hank quietly said, "Let's get in the car and then we'll talk. Okay?"

I took that as my cue to stay silent and left the room without another word. I pulled on my jacket, wrapping my arms around myself as we walked down the narrow hall towards the door with the neon red exit sign.

"You're okay, kid," Hank said softly, putting his arm over my shoulder.

Jeff followed behind, barking orders at Ryan. "I need confirmation before you go that the dashcam footage is gone," I was able to overhear him say before he answered a call. "Hi, Stella. Yeah, I need you to do a watch for all Code Red terms," he spoke into the device as we stepped outside.

I looked over my shoulder as Jeff stopped by the back door. "Yeah, add TJ Roberts... Tyler-Jane..." he whispered, turning his back to me as he continued to list words.

Climbing into the back seat, I remained silent, chewing my bottom lip as the others made their way into the car. Hank placed his hand over mine and gave me a quick comforting squeeze. Big Mike took his usual position in the driver's seat while Jeff was riding shotgun.

Jeff gave the signal to drive and the car fell into a quick uncomfortable silence. I quickly assumed this meant I wasn't going to learn what had actually happened the past few hours that allowed me to walk out from the police station as easily as I had. I began to actually be okay with not knowing for tonight.

"Yeah, it's me. How is he?" Jeff asked quietly into the phone. "Uh... huh... uh huh... Shit. She's with me... yeah... okay... Twenty minutes."

The car fell silent once again. I rested my head against the window, watching the passing cars go by. I did my best to not think about what I was going to find when getting back to the house. Maybe everyone would act like nothing had happened... Maybe it was all a misunderstanding and they didn't even belong to Carter. Whatever the reason, I knew if I made assumptions along the drive I would only make it worse for myself.

I only hoped that no matter the reason, he would be honest with me.

Besides, I was the last person who would judge his usage. I was far from a saint. That was not a secret I ever tried to keep.

Jeff was the first one out of the car once it came to a stop in the driveway. I slowly trailed behind, my nerves causing every bone in my body to tremble with each step I took.

Flower petals and candles were the first things I noticed when entering his house - just like the setup had been during our date night at the aquarium. Instead of it being on display, the petals were pushed up against the wall and the candles were unlit. The smell of smoke was still evident in the air.

I assumed this was meant to be a part of the second half of the night. However, instead of coming home to a romantic sight, I entered upset, confused, and exhausted. If it weren't for the hundreds of questions running through my mind, I would be taking a warm shower and getting right to bed.

But that's not how this night was going to end.

Hushed voices spoke in the distance. Each step I took made me realize how eerie the house currently felt. It was as if someone had sucked all the warmth, all the things that made it home, right out of it. I didn't feel like I was in the same house I had grown to love spending time in for the past few months.

My eyes fell to the dining room table, noticing the items covered in wrapping paper and bows. I couldn't help but smile, noticing how shit of a gift wrapper he was. He was no little elf with the way he managed to use so much paper and tape for something that needed a fifth of the amount. A little plush shark sat on top of the pile - clearly it posed too much of a challenge to bother wrapping. Or putting in a gift bag. I guess this meant I would be the designated present wrapper for the two of us going forward.

"TJ?" A soft voice from behind me asked.

I turned my head to see Doctor Khan make her way towards me and took my hands in hers.

"How are you? Are you doing alright? I'm sure it's been quite the night for you."

I did what I knew best - I pushed my lips together, forced a smile, and nodded my head. "I'm fine."

Giving her that answer was the only way I knew how to reply. I didn't know how I felt. At this point, I wasn't sure any type of explanation would provide me with any clarification towards my feelings. Well, aside from the ones I had for his gift wrapping abilities.

"Where is he?"

"Come on," she said softly, "I'll take you to him."

Hank settled himself down on the couch in the living room. "I'll wait here."

I let her lead me into the bedroom and was confused to find no one but Jeff in the room. My eyes found their way to the door of the bathroom, which was left ajar. I looked back towards the Doctor, realizing she had been speaking this entire time to me.

"TJ, I just want to advise you that before you go in there... you may hear some things that you've never known about him... and, you may see a different side to him," Doctor Khan explained, "Don't be afraid if you feel the need to push him slightly to open up - he wants to tell you everything. We've worked on it during our sessions. And normally, I can help him out of this headspace he's in. But he only wants you. He's made that clear since getting home." She paused and gently squeezed my shoulders. "I'll be right here if you need me. Okay?"

"Okay." I looked down at the jacket I still had on and quickly removed it, exchanging it for a pullover sweater of his that was on the end of the bed.

I gave the Doctor a final look over my shoulder as I stood in front of the door and noticed the way Jeff paced around the bedroom. He seemed stressed and worried - somehow even more than how he was at the police station. It was like he feared what I was about to learn or see.

As I stepped onto the marbled floor, I wasn't sure what I was expecting to find. But it wasn't this. The cabinets by the sink were all open, with all their contents now spilled out onto the countertop and floor. Carter sat on the floor of the shower with his knees drawn up to his chest and his head hanging down.

I opened the shower door and took a hesitant step inside. "Carter? Are you okay?"

His bloodshot eyes slowly met my gaze. "Baby?" He reached for me as I kneeled down in front of him, pulling me in for a tight embrace. "I'm so sorry..." he whispered into the crook of my neck. "I fucked it all up. I'm so sorry."

I stayed still, keeping my arms around him as I heard the crack in his voice. I had never seen him so close to the verge of tears before. Normally he was always the one that kept it in and never left any sadness show.

I feared the thoughts that ran through his head in order to get him to this point. I only hoped I knew what to do or say to make everything okay.

"I thought I lost you."

I pulled my head back, brushing the fallen strands of his hair back into place. "Why would you think that?"

He didn't answer. Instead, he raised his hands to cup my face and pulled me in for a needy kiss. Positioned beside where he sat on the ground, I leaned into him, craving his touch just as desperately as he seemed to need mine.

I felt a flicker of warmth in that kiss - the kind of warmth I felt had been missing from the house the moment I entered.

Carter appeared more interested in kissing me than anything else. His lips moved from mine, to along my jaw, down my neck and across my collar bones, before making their way back. It was a welcomed distraction, but a dangerous one. One that worried me would result in the two of us having sex on the floor of his shower while Jeff and Doctor Khan listened to me supposedly helping from the other room.

Pressing my hand against his chest, I forced a small barrier of distance between us. As my eyes met his, I was worried over the look I saw and instantly became reminded of the situation at hand.

He wanted to be distracted.

He didn't want to face the demons in his head.

And I couldn't let that happen. Not again.

"What are you doing in here?"

"You find it safe," he whispered. "I wanted to know what that felt like."

"Do you not normally feel safe?"

His tongue swiped across his bottom lip. "I do with you. But then I fucked things up and I hurt you..." he said. "It just got worse and worse..." His head fell into his hands. "I didn't mean it...."

"Carter," Jeff warned.

His fingers were tangled in his hair, pulling at the strands. I had never seen him like this before. He trembled and rocked back and forth in his spot - I grew increasingly worried over him and what was running through his mind.

"I didn't mean to hurt anyone... I promise I didn't mean it..."

"Carter, that's enough!"

At the first sound of his cry, I instantly stood and made my way towards the door. Jeff had his mouth opened, ready to spew whatever words he had meant to say, but was silenced by a scolding from Doctor Khan.

"I don't know everything about what is going on right now... But I know one thing," I gritted through my teeth to Jeff. "He is hurt and your remarks are not fucking helping. So either you sit there quietly or you leave because I will not put up with you making it worse on him. Got it?"

Jeff didn't answer - but I didn't need him to in order to know he was pissed off by the way I spoke. I didn't care. Carter was hurting. And I wasn't going to let Jeff keep shouting telling him to stop talking from the distance hurt him more.

Closing the bathroom door, I turned the lock and I made my way back into the shower, kneeling in front of Carter. His head was down, and I rested my hand on his thigh to let him know I was here.

"Baby, it's okay," I whispered. "You can tell me."

"I don't want you to leave me."

I forced a smile as I brushed away a few of his fallen tears. "I'm not leaving you."

"You will."

"Why would you think that?"

I had never seen him cry before. It almost made me want to do the same by seeing the way his bottom lip trembled. The room was dead silent as he met my glance. I waited with bated breath for him to utter the words,

"Because I killed someone."

so uh... how yall doing?