With (NO) love, Tyler-Jane Roberts

"Where's Carter?"

I tensed at her question. "He's not coming."

"Oh, he's not? That's a shame... I was so excited to meet him. Did something happen?"

"Carter, please," I begged. "Calm down."

"Calm down?" he scoffed. "Why don't you bend over then, baby. That's what you do best, right?" The venom in his words was paired with a twisted grin. "And to think you almost won... you almost broke me. This was your plan all along, right? Turning me back into him."

My back pressed against the wall. "I-I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Bullshit!" he yelled, stalking towards me with slow steps. "Using me for fame to build a little pathetic career for yourself. Was it worth it, darling? Was it worth taking all my fucking money?"

I averted my eyes from her pressing stare. It was fucking weird to see her with a motherly look of concern - it made my skin crawl. I was working through getting rid of whatever it was that triggered that type of response to anything she did that came close to an act of parenting. Doctor Khan said it was normal to feel this way and that each visit would slowly break down that feeling as I got more comfortable around her. Holy shit was I ever hoping that I would find some type of instant fix.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that I would be running to my mommy with my problems. Unfortunately, it wasn't like I had any other options at the moment.

"Is everything alright, Jane?"

The energy to fight back at her calling me that name was gone. With one look in her direction, I was unable to keep it in any longer.

There I was, pathetically sobbing into my mother's arms. It was weird, to say the least, to cry in front of her. I couldn't remember ever doing so as a child. If I did, I was screamed at for how much of a headache I was causing and was threatened with punishment.

It was a constant battle to keep reminding myself that she was no longer that person. She wasn't going to cuss me out or burn me with a cigarette for letting a tear fall.

And, so, for the first time in my life, I told my mother about one of my own problems. I spared no detail recalling the past week - especially the last forty-eight hours - to her. My mother heard everything. Every hurtful thing Carter uttered to me once he stepped inside that house, most of which I was sure he couldn't even remember.

I told her about how he stumbled around, screaming and yelling, and how he could barely stand upright once he had finished. I mentioned that I took care of his wounds from the gym, ensuring they were cleaned up and wrapping them in a fresh bandage, and how pathetic that made me feel. Even after everything he had said, I still wanted to care for him. I couldn't see him go to bed with those marks and bruises not being looked after.

The pathetic feeling only worsened as I spent the rest of the night cleaning up the mess he caused after he had passed out, not wanting him to wake up to his destruction. The items he had thrown out of the drawer were folded neatly and put back, broken glass was swept up, and items from his dresser were put in their respective spots.

And as I told her, I wondered if she recalled her own actions from years back, when she used to do the same with me. It was in my nature to do everything I did last night because I had been doing the exact same thing since I was a kid.

When I mentioned the letter, her reaction was the only glimpse she showed into her old self.

"Why would he write to you? What business does he have doing that?"

I shrugged. "I haven't read the letter - how am I supposed to know?"

"Good," she took a sip of her water. "Burn it. After all he put us through... after what he put me through... He should be writing me an apology letter, not you."

"I don't even know it's an apology," I mumbled under my breath. My eyes fell to my lap, watching my hands fidget. "I think Carter has a problem," I admitted, "With drinking, at least."

"Well, it sounds like this boy is in far need of some help. You don't need to be worrying yourself with someone like that."

"What?"

"Honey, you're young and have a huge career ahead of you. I'm only saying-"

"You're saying I should give up on him." That's fucking rich coming from you, I wanted to scream. It was on the tip of my tongue, ready to be snapped back at her. My fists balled as I dug my nails into the palms of my hands and averted my eyes. "I'm not giving up on him," I muttered. "I don't give up on people just because they're hurt."

That statement was far from evident, given where she was currently living rent-fucking-free. I was desperately trying to not recall the past when it came to times like these; when she said something to piss me off. It was hard not to think of every time I didn't give up on her. Now, she was throwing it back in my face over someone she hadn't even met yet. If only she had any idea the lengths I went to in order for her to have all of this - all this help at her disposal. Well, knowing my mother, that wouldn't matter to her either. I couldn't help but wonder why I ever bothered with all this in the first place.

Oh, right. Because I fucking cared.

Kathy reached her hand out, placing it on mine. "Jane," she said, giving me a smile, "All I'm saying is you can drop a vase and glue all the pieces back together, but the cracks will still be there."

Now she was trying to get all philosophical with me?

"Right," I muttered.

"I'm only thinking about what's best for you, Jane. What if this keeps happening? How can you get married and have kids with him if he's like that?"

I felt my brows furrow at her comment. "Who says I want that?"

Kathy cocked her head to the side. "Every little girl dreams of it."

Did she hit her head recently or something? What the fuck was she going on about? There was no way this woman sitting in front of me was my supposed mother. I didn't know what kind of operations they were running here - maybe they were slipping something into her food to make her like this. I wanted whatever little magic pill she took to send her to crazy island.

"Oh, look at that! It's already time for dinner," she continued on in a happy tone, "The chef here is quite good. Would you like to stay? "

Not caring to dance around my disinterest, I replied with a quick "no" and stood from my spot, collecting my things.

"Of course, no worries, honey," she said, either not caring about my rejection of her invitation or not listening to me in the first place. Clearly, she was oblivious to my current state. Now that was more like my mother. "Are you coming by again next week?"

"I don't know," I muttered. "Bye."

"Can you stop the car?"

Big Mike shot me a glance from the rearview mirror. "I'm not-"

"Please. Just in that parking lot." I pointed ahead. "Five minutes."

No other words were exchanged. For a second, I grew worried that he was going to continue to drive and I'd end up back at his house. I only needed a minute; a chance for some fresh air and to collect my thoughts. An immediate wave of calmness washed over me as he pulled the car into the lot and shifted the gear into park.

He looked over his shoulder. "Is everything alright, Miss Roberts?"

I gave him a short nod and reached for the door handle. "I need some air."

Fresh oxygen filled my lungs, providing a sense of relief that my body craved. I quickly glanced around to the empty surroundings, thankful to be fully alone. I only need a minute; a way to stall for time. I never felt the best after visiting my mother, there was always something that put me off when leaving. And I wasn't ready to go back home yet.

I needed a minute.

Or five.

Ten minutes sounded pretty good right about now.

I found my way towards a park bench and sat down. Drawing my knees towards my chest, I rested my forehead against my thighs, focusing on my breathing. Doctor Khan suggested a quiet place where I could focus on my control was always the best thing for me to do whenever these feelings started. I was once again thankful that no one was here. Otherwise, I'd be the crazy park lady doing deep breathing exercises that kids would tell their parents about and be warned to stay away from.

The pressure in my chest began to slowly disappear - it felt like my lungs were functioning properly again - as I lifted my head. Feeling a presence behind me, I said, "You can go back if you want. I'm sure there are many things you'd rather do than stand there."

Big Mike cleared his throat. "That's alright, Miss Roberts. I don't mind."

I looked at him from the corner of my eye. "I'm not going to run away, you know. I'll call a cab."

The corner of his mouth tugged slightly at my comment. "I know you won't, Miss. But..." he paused briefly, "It's late and not safe to be out here alone."

It was far from being late, but I appreciated his attempt to dance around the fact that he was ordered to not leave my side.

"Do you want to sit at least?"

I focused on the view in front of me. The playground structure was deserted, given the time of day it was. I could imagine how much fun children would have here, with the different colourful slides, climbing walls and monkey bars. The wind rocked the set of swings back and forth; the metal from the rusty chains creaked in the wind.

A rusty, unused swing, only moving due to the power of the wind that pushed it. 

That was my future. 

An empty swing.

"He has a problem, doesn't he?" I looked at Big Mike, who instantly stiffened at my question. "I'm guessing that was not the first time you had to pick him up and drive him home in that state."

"Miss Roberts..."

"It's okay," I said quickly, looking back at the swings. "I shouldn't have asked."

He cleared his throat and spoke in a low, quiet tone, "Call Doctor Khan."

I gave him a short nod in response. "I'm good to go now."

"Miss Roberts," Big Mike said as we walked back towards the car, "I hope you know that I can take you to your house if that's where you'd rather be tonight. I was asked to drive you where you needed to be and to ensure your safety, not control your whereabouts."

"Thank you. But, I want to go back. I just needed a second after that visit to clear my head... I didn't want to go home and say something I'd regret." Reaching the car, I paused by the passenger door. "Do you think we could stop for some food?"

"Of course. What are you in the mood for?"

"A burger and fries... and a milkshake."

"Coming right up."

Big Mike pulled the car through a drive-thru and ordered our meals. I was happy when he parked the car at the back of the lot and the two of us sat in the car together to eat. For such a large man, he had quite the calming presence. I enjoyed spending time with him and I could see why Carter put so much trust in one person.

I wasn't sure what had caused me to crave such a meal, but I was glad I had it - I even surprised myself by finishing it all. And somehow, enjoying a meal and listening to the radio, made going home all that much easier to do.

The house was silent as I entered, the only noise coming from the television in the living room that quietly played in the background. I found him passed out on the couch with a bedroom pillow under his head and a blanket from the hall closet. Carter had made himself a makeshift bed for the night. I was glad he was getting some rest - sleeping off everything that was in his system.

I turned off the television and noticed a glass filled with clear liquid. Taking a quick sniff, I was relieved to find that it was only water.

The last thing I wanted was to become that kind of girlfriend - the type that had to watch his every move like a hawk. But it provided some comfort in knowing that I could wait until the morning to call Doctor Khan - due to him being alone in the house all day and not consuming anything he shouldn't have. Or, at least, I hoped that was the case.

Heading into the bedroom, something on the dresser caught my eye. A vase filled with flowers - the exact ones I loved from his garden - sat in the exact same spot the previous ones had before it was thrown across the room last night. At least it didn't look as vacant now. Undressing out of my clothes, I had to remind myself to toss them into the hamper, and not back into my bag.

No matter how much the idea of escaping this all called to me - that wasn't part of the plan. Staying for the night was.

I pulled one of his cotton t-shirts over my head as my feet found their way onto the marble floors of his bathroom. Brush my teeth, wash my face, and go to sleep. That's all I had to do. Get through tonight and by morning, I'd have what I needed.

Easy enough. I fucking hoped, at least.

"TJ?" I heard his voice call out, followed by the sound of approaching footsteps. "Does this mean you're staying?"

I patted my face dry with a towel and met his glance in the reflection of the mirror. "Well, I'm not leaving the house like this," I said, referring to my current attire - or rather, lack thereof. "How's the wound?"

He appeared caught off guard by my sudden question; maybe he was expecting us to continue fighting for the rest of the night. If that was his assumption, luckily for him, I was too exhausted to bother.

Besides, what more was there to fight about when he barely remembered a single thing?

"Oh, uh," he shrugged. "It's alright, I guess."

"Can I take a look?"

He nodded in response but made no sudden movements. I couldn't help but let a sad smile show, not only for his nerves but for the fact that I had never had this type of interaction with someone post-fight. Carter was clearly sorry for what had happened, that was evident, and for me, rare. I was used to having someone who would show no remorse when all the dust settled or spent all their time tricking me into thinking it had all been my fault. He didn't do that.

Could he remember everything he did? No, obviously not. But, he wasn't blaming me for forgetting or for his actions in the first place.

Did him acting like a decent human being after a fight give him an automatic pass? No. However, it made the idea of moving on from this incident a tad bit easier.

It gave me hope that we would work through this together and come out stronger for it in the long run.

"All done," I said as I began to clean up the mess of cotton pads and old bandages.

Carter pulled his shirt over his head and placed a hand on my waist before I had the chance to turn away. "Thank you," he said softly. "And, thank you for doing it last night too. I have a feeling I... forgot to say it then."

His touch went to my cheek and his gaze held mine. With that one look, I became weak, craving for him to kiss me. The desire for us to forget the past forty-eight hours had ever happened grew increasingly difficult to ignore. Before temptation completely consumed me, I turned my head slightly to the side and placed a kiss against the palm of his hand. I stepped back, letting his hand drop back down to his side and exited the bathroom.

"Are you going to keep standing there or get in bed?"

He took a half step forward. "With... you? Are you sure you don't want me to sleep on the couch or something?"

"If I wanted you to sleep on the couch, you would know it." Reaching my arm over, I turned down his side of the bed and patted the mattress. "Come on."

Once he was settled, I turned my head to the side. "I don't want to go to bed angry," I said. "I can't say that I'll instantly forget about it and we can move on... But I don't think it's healthy for us to keep going on like this. We'll only go around in circles about it."

"I agree."

I shifted my position over to move closer to him. Pretending like there was some invisible wall between us wasn't going to help things either. "I'm calling Doctor Khan in the morning," I whispered against his chest.

He placed a kiss on the top of my head. "Thank you."

"No need to thank me. You need help, Carter. I'm going to abandon you because of that." I lifted my head. "But if you say that shit to me again, drunk or sober, I won't put up with it."

"I know."

"I won't put up with it as in I'll cut your dick off if you talk to me like that ever again."

Carter winced. "Understood."

Even in the darkness of the room, my eyes were able to spot the ring and hung from the chain around his neck. I never thought a piece of plastic jewellery for children could make my heart swell as much as it did.

I leaned forward, my lips brushing against his as I mumbled, "Good."

Temptation won this round as I gave in. What started as a slow, innocent peck, quickly turned into something more. It was clear the two of us were both trying to restrain our own desires for more - only made more obvious as he pulled back for a breath and a disappointed whine escaped me.

Carter placed a kiss on my shoulder and worked his way up my neck. I feared how I was going to hold myself back from fully giving in - but he made that decision for us as he rested his head back down against the pillow.

His eyes fluttered closed and I heard him whisper, "Thank you for coming back."

When morning peaked its way through the blinds, I woke up with his arms around me - just as I had planned to be. I called Doctor Kahn and set up a time for her to come by in the afternoon before making Carter breakfast. I wanted him to feel as if all had gone back to normal - nothing had changed overnight.

"Everything okay?"

I looked up from my phone. "It's Weston. He needs my help with something before our meeting." Leaning forward, I gave him a quick peck on the lips. "I'll be back as soon as I can."

"Good luck. And tell the boys I say hi."

With another kiss and a quick goodbye, I left the house with a smile that fell as soon as the door closed behind me. I was able to keep my nerves at bay throughout the duration of the car ride with Big Mike. I was so close - raising any suspicions would have been detrimental at this stage.

"Are you sure you don't want me to wait for you, Miss Roberts? I don't mind."

"No, that's alright. But, thank you." I opened the passenger door. "I'll see you in the afternoon!"

I walked towards the front door of my vacant home as I heard the car pull out of the driveway. Slowly turning my head, I looked from the corner of my eye to ensure Big Mike was gone. I tried to stay patient as I counted in my head, chewing on my bottom lip; sixty seconds seemed like an appropriate amount of time to make sure he didn't turn the car around and come back.

As I made my way down the driveway, I felt the need to pull my hood up and conceal myself as best as I could. If only I had one of Carter's perfect disguises right now - the last thing I needed was a neighbour seeing me and asking questions. Not that I knew any of them in the first place.

The black SUV was parked a few houses down and I could feel my stomach churn with every step.

"I was beginning to think you weren't going to show."

"Did you get everything?"

"Right to business? Alright, I respect that." Brandon reached over, opened the glove box, and pulled out a large envelope. "There you go."

"Was it hard to get?" I quickly looked through some of the images and fanned my finger against the wad of cash.

He let a smug smile show. "Not at all. Quite enjoyable, actually." Gently grasping my chin, he leaned forward. "Pleasure doing business with you, baby."

well. that happened.