Water.

I needed water. A huge glass of it. No - bigger. I wasn't sure if an ocean's amount would even quench the dryness of my mouth.

If only the room could stop spinning for one fucking minute so I could get up.

Something was missing. Or, more specifically, someone.

Her side of the bed was still perfectly made from when Rosie was last here. I could tell by the way the sheets were neatly pressed and folded - she had her own signature style. The panic began to set in as my pained head slowly pieced together the fact that TJ did not sleep here last night.

Did she leave?

I had seen this film before and the ending was a terrifying thought. Taking a quick glance around the room I noticed some of her things still on the side table and scattered on top of the dresser. It wouldn't make sense for her to not be here anymore without taking her things - I had to assume.

If she didn't sleep here, where did she go?

Water first. Then I'll go find her.

Once my feet touched the cold wooden floors and I forced my body out of the warmth of the bed, I was met with instant regret - and the desire to collapse to the ground. The bedroom swayed with every step I took and staying upright was instantly turned into a chore.

It had been a long time - a very long time - since I had felt like this. I couldn't even remember drinking last night... or where I would have been drinking. There was no alcohol in the house for me to consume.

Filling the glass beside the sink with water, I drained the contents as quickly as I could and refilled it. I was acting like I was in a competition for who could drink the most water in the shortest amount of time. Maybe I was setting a new world record. Doing such a thing while in this severe hungover state felt like quite an accomplishment.

A sad accomplishment - but an accomplishment nonetheless.

The person in the reflection was someone I hadn't seen for quite a long time. Bloodshot eyes were paired with dark circles from a lack of sleep, and I had a split swollen lip. I turned slightly to the side and lifted my shirt. Bandages were wrapped around my torso, covering whatever marks or bruises I had. I knew whatever was under there was bad considering there was a sharp pain every time I took a breath.

I splashed cold water onto my face and gripped the edge of the sink, steadying my breath. My heart was beating fast. Sweat pooled in my hands, causing my grip to slip on the porcelain.

Food - getting something to eat was next. Whether I could keep it down or not was something I would just have to suffer through and learn.

Managing to keep my body upright as I walked down the hall, sounds from the distance instantly gave me some hope. I used the wall for support as my pace quickened; I was not ready to be moving at anything but a snail speed but I pushed through. I needed to know. A large breath of relief came out in the form of a laugh as I saw her pink hair.

Standing by the stove, she moved the spatula in her hand around the pan. TJ turned her head slightly to the side, giving me a look that instantly wiped the smile off my face. She was pissed. And, unfortunately for me, I knew it had nothing to do with her hatred of the stove.

The silence was eerie. I wondered if she could hear how loud my heart was beating; it sounded like it would leap out of my chest at any moment, beating at such a rapid pace while constrained inside my body.

I cleared my throat and took a hesitant step towards her. "Where did you sleep last night?"

"Guest room."

"Why?"

She shot me a glare from the corner of her eye. "You disappear for twenty-four hours and you think I'm going to share a bed with you? You're lucky I'm still fucking here."

Twenty-four hours? What the fuck - what day was it?

"Do you know how fucking scared I was, Carter? I thought you were dead when you didn't come home." She moved the pan off the burner. "Then Ryan called me in the morning, saying you were at his apartment from some supposed boys night out. And here I was thinking you went to the gym!" Her stare pressed into me, searching for answers I was trying to find myself. "He said you were still drunk and didn't want to leave. What did I do to make you lie to me and not want to come home?"

I couldn't give her an answer - I had no fucking idea.

I tried to search my memory to recall any details I could. The last thing I remembered was laying on the cement floor of the warehouse after getting punched and kicked till I practically stopped breathing. Well, that explained why my side fucking hurt.

"Does Jeff know?"

"Really? That's what you care about right now?" TJ grabbed hold of the dishtowel and whipped it across the room in my direction. "No, he doesn't fucking know!" she screamed.

"No, I-" I cut myself off and went to her side. "Baby, that's not what I meant."

She stuck out the spatula in her hand to create a barrier of distance between us. "Don't touch me," she gritted through her teeth and pointed to the plate on the counter. "Eat. I don't know what you've had in your system besides alcohol."

I slowly made my way towards the table with the plate filled with eggs and toast in hand. Normally I would protest that three pieces of toast were too many. Yet I assumed it was given to soak up the alcohol, which given my current state, was necessary.

I looked down at the envelope propped up against the vase of flowers. "What's this?"

TJ scoffed as she continued to scrub the pan, not bothering to look up as she said, "What you demanded to see last night. But I bet you don't remember any of that."

I lifted the envelope, seeing her name printed. The initials R.S. were printed in the upper left-hand corner. R.S. Richard Stanton. Her father. Shit.

"There you go. You wanted to read it so bad, well by all means, please be the first to open it." She sent me a look from over her shoulder. "And, just so we're clear, the only people that know about that letter are Silas and Hank."

"Where is it?" I yelled, opening every drawer I could get my hands on.

"What?"

The contents were emptied, scattered onto the floor as I dug through, trying to find it. "I know it's here somewhere! You fucking go and tell him about it but not me?"

"Who? Who are you talking about, Carter?"

"How long have you been fucking him behind my back, huh? A week? A month?" I walked towards her, ignoring the look of fear she had. "I bet you've been fucking him the whole time, haven't you? Don't lie to me - he told me everything."

"You really think that little of me, don't you?"

"No-"

"You accused me of cheating on you... of sleeping with him behind your back."

"I didn't mean it-"

"Of course you did."

"I was drunk!"

"That's not a fucking excuse!" she yelled. "I see articles written all the time about the model or actress of the day you're rumoured to be with... even ones written about you and your ex-girlfriend - who everyone seems to think you're perfect for and meant to be with, by the way. And I never, ever bring it up. I don't get drunk and accuse you of any of that shit being true because I trust you. But you... you can't say the same."

"I do trust you, I-"

"You don't." She shook her head. "If you did, you would have never believed him. Or you would have talked to me about it. You know, that whole communicating thing that we agreed was important? But instead, you go to the gym, let yourself get beat up, drink until you pass out, and then finally come back home wasted out of your mind and-"

"Was this your plan all along? Get with me so you could use me for fame? Take all my fucking money?"

"TJ..."

She faced away from me, turning towards the cabinets. I noticed how her hands gripped the counter so tight that her skin almost turned the same shade of white. The sound of her choking back muffled tears filled the otherwise silent kitchen. My heart felt like it was being shattered into two at that moment; recalling what I had said to her last night and seeing the physical hurt I had put her through.

I walked up behind her, hesitating for a brief moment before I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her close. She had told me to not touch her only minutes ago. But there was no way I could stand by and watch her cry - not when I had caused it. Her spatula wasn't nearby to hit me with, although she still had her fists. Maybe there was a secret knife hidden that she was about to pull out and stab me with. Honestly, it would probably hurt a lot less compared to how I currently felt.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled into her neck. "I didn't mean any of that, baby. I am so, so, sorry."

She covered her hands with her face.

Apologies were chanted from my lips as I held her, listening to the sounds of her crying.

I wanted to say more than just I'm sorry. To say something other than how I promised I trusted her. To make her believe me when I told her that I never believed anything he said.

If I said anything more, I was scared I'd utter those three words.

Three words, eight letters, that I had been wanting to tell her.

What fucking horrible timing that would be to say it now.

I was almost positive that one of the most important unwritten rules during a fight with your significant other was to never say that for the first time.

Rule one: don't get in the fight in the first place.

Rule two: if you're too stupid to avoid rule one, never say I love you for the first time during the argument.

Rule three: accept all blame for wrong-doings and apologize.

TJ wiped her eyes and slowly turned around. Her head was down, looking towards the ground as she sniffled. "Is that what he said to you at the party?" Taking my silence as an answer, she added, "He told you about the letter and said we were still sleeping together?"

"Yeah, I mean, I guess," I stumbled my way through an answer. "I don't know."

"You don't know?" she repeated. "How the fuck don't you know, Carter?"

I rubbed the back of my neck, attempting to relieve stress from my strained muscles. "I don't remember a lot from that night. I was drinking." At least that wasn't a lie.

Rule four: don't lie your way out of the argument.

Well, that was a rule I would clearly not be able to follow a hundred percent throughout this exchange. I only hoped there was enough of my brain sober to follow along with each lie I was about to tell.

"I don't talk to him, Carter. Do you need to, like, I don't know, go through my phone or something to believe me? Is that what it will take?"

I shook my head, replying with a quick "no". I didn't need to see it. I knew she wasn't hiding anything.

"I don't know what else I can say to make things better."

"There's nothing you can say," she whispered. "You've said enough already." TJ pulled away from my grasp. Her lips parted to speak, but she quickly let her eyes fall to the ground as she sank her teeth into her bottom lip. "I need to go shower."

TJ brushed past me and exited the kitchen. Shit. I knew what that meant - she was going to cry. I knew she needed her space, but the thought that something could happen worried me.

"Baby," I called out, hurrying after her. "Baby, please."

"Not now, Carter."

The bedroom door was slammed in my face before I had the chance to say or do anything more. My head rested against the wood in defeat, and slowly my body sank towards the ground, as I heard the shower turn on.

Giving her space was clearly something I was not equipped for at the moment. I pressed my back against the wall as I watched the door. Time felt slow as I attempted to understand what she was doing from noise cues alone. The shower had been turned off, I could see her feet shuffle around the room from the small gap under the door. Her bag was zipped open and closed. I began to worry that she was packing up her things - that she was getting ready to leave.

I couldn't blame her if that was what she wanted to do. I was the only one to blame.

Losing the first person I have ever loved over my own selfish, stupid mistakes was a brand new pain I was about to experience. And I knew I wasn't mentally equipped for that.

The bedroom door opened. TJ exited, barely looking in my direction.

I scrambled to my feet as she headed down the hallway, feeling slightly relieved that her overnight bag was missing from her hands. "Where are you going?" I asked out of genuine curiosity noticing her put together look.

TJ turned around to face me. "Where am I going?" she repeated, raising a brow before shaking her head and glancing momentarily to the side. "Out, Carter. I'm going out."

Taking a hesitant step forward, I licked my lips to try and provide moisture to my dried mouth. "When will you be back?" As she remained silent, the pit in my stomach grew and I forced myself to ask, "Are you coming back?" The most desperate sound escaped me as I softly said, "Please come back."

"Like you did?"

I was acting like a desperate child; clinging onto their parents in hopes that would deter them from leaving. It was pathetic, but I didn't care. Down on my knees, I wasn't begging for her to forgive me at this moment - I knew that was far from a likely outcome anyway. I only wanted - needed - to know she was at least coming back.

A painful ache shot through my chest once she walked out the front door. It was as if a piece of me was leaving, and I feared it was never about to return.

My worst fear imaginable had come true.

TJ didn't need to know about my past to see the monster that was still trapped within me.

oops