With (NO) love, Tyler-Jane Roberts

"Hello?"

That wasn't his voice. The phone was still ringing. I looked at the device as it stopped, realizing I had been sent to voicemail. If it wasn't him, then who was it?

"TJ?"

I found myself fixated on a flyer that was taped to the wall of the bathroom stall. The female was posing seductively with the words 'GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS' covering her naked body.

"Was that you?" I whispered.

There was a sweetness to her voice as she asked, "Were you hoping it was?" 

I shrugged. "Kind of. I think I'd be-"

"Hello?" the voice repeated. "TJ? Are you in here?"

Looking around, I quickly scanned each wall of the small, enclosed stall I was beginning to feel trapped in. My eyes landed back on the flyer. "Okay, now... was that you?" I asked her.

The woman giggled, shaking her head. "No. But, call me if you ever want to have a good time."

I squinted my eyes as I focused on the number near the bottom of the page. Now the number was magically memorized. That trick worked every time. Glancing back up, I gave the woman a wink. "I'll call you," I said, unlocking the stall door.

"There you are!" Gwen huffed. "Did you not hear me? I was in here, like, five minutes ago looking for you. Are you okay?"

"Do you hear that?"

Gwen cocked her head to the side. "Hear what?"

"That!" I repeated. "It's like a buzzing noise."

"Your phone's ringing, idiot!" She let out a laugh. "How fucked up are you?"

I looked down at the device in my hand. My heart completely stopped for a full beat as I read the name that appeared on the screen.

"Oh my god! Is he calling you?"

Unable to find any words, I nodded in response.

"Answer it!"

"No," I said quickly.

"Why not? You know you want to."

"I don't care." The shakiness in my voice ruined my efforts to convince her otherwise.

"Answer it!"

"No!"

Gwen reached forward attempting to grab the phone out of my hands. "Do it! Talk to him!"

"I can't, Gwen. You know I-"

"Hello?"

Quickly covering the microphone, I screamed a silent, "Fuck!" at the sound of his voice. This time there was no mistaking who was speaking. It was him. And hearing his voice, his real voice and not one of his songs blasting through the club speakers, sent an unusual rush of guilt straight through my chest.

Gwen nudged my side. "Say something," she whispered.

All the words I could think of instantly died in my mouth. Instead, I raised the device to my ear. I wanted to crawl back into the bathroom stall hearing the eagerness in Carter's voice when he asked, "TJ? Are you there?"

I am, I desperately wanted to say.

"Look... I'm guessing this is just a butt dial or something because it's," he paused, "Oh, shit, wow, three in the morning. So, you're probably out and I am talking to... no one." Carter sounded slightly disappointed as he continued, "If somehow you are there, I just want you to know that I'm sorry and - fuck, do you know how hard it is to stop thinking about you?" He let a laugh escape. "I've had to stop myself from calling or texting you all week. And, here I am rambling to no one about how much I miss you over a fucking call you don't even know you made, and all I want is-" There was another pause of silence. "Shit."

The line went dead.

"You got anything on you?"

Gwen gave me a hesitant look before reaching into her jacket pocket and pulling out a small vial.

Feeling her pressing glare watching my every move, I huffed out an annoyed, "I'm fine."

I wasn't fine. That was evident from a mile away. But I couldn't admit I wasn't. At least, not out loud. I couldn't trust myself to start unravelling every deep emotion I was feeling without having some sort of breakdown I wasn't equipped to handle. Plus, given everything I had consumed tonight, there was no way of telling how I would react. Maybe I would say one thing to set me over the end and end up in a puddle of my own tears or screaming all my frustration out at the top of my lungs. It wasn't worth the risk.

I wasn't fine that night. And I didn't become fine the next night either.

Not being fine was how I ended up in the bathroom, contemplating my rush of emotions while my friends were in the other room enjoying their night. No matter how much I drank or smoked, I was still thinking about him. And his stupid smile. God - I was starting to hate how much I missed his stupid smile.

I took another sip from my drink and glanced down at the phone in my hand. My finger hovered over his phone number. It would be so easy to call and to hear his voice. Just one press of a button.

"Oops," I muttered to myself, allowing the button to be pressed.

I chewed my bottom lip. The ringing noise was starting to become insufferable. Carter needed to hurry up and answer - Shit. What the fuck was I doing? Calling him? This was a bad choice. A very bad fucking choice. I should hang up. And delete his number. No - toss my phone out and get a new one. Shit. No. I couldn't afford a new one. Did I really need a phone? Everyone I talked was currently in the other room anyway-

"Hello?" His voice interrupted. "TJ?" There was a pause. "Let me guess...another butt dial? Two nights in a row? Wow, guess I'm special to-" Carter cut himself off. "Fuck - I wish you were actually there."

There was a painful beat of silence; the only sound came from the music blaring from the other room.

"I am," I responded in a mere whisper.

"Oh, shit. What? You are?" A loud thud interrupted, followed by a string of curse words from Carter.

I did my best to hold back a laugh that wanted to escape. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I just-" He cleared his throat. "You surprised me and I, well, tripped. But, I'm okay!"

"I'm glad."

"How have you been?"

I bit the inside of my cheek. "Okay, I guess." Banging against the bathroom door pulled my attention away for a brief moment. "I should probably go."

"Oh, yeah, of course." There it was; that gut-wrenching sound of disappointment in his voice. "Could we do this again?"

"Do what?" I asked, picking up my red solo cup from the counter.

"Talk."

"On the phone?"

"I mean... only if you want to. I just miss the sound of your voice - okay, wait. That sounds kind of lame, I just mean-"

"Yeah, sure," I interjected, wanting to save him from going down his own rambling rabbit hole, "I'd like that."

"I'll let you go now. I'm sure there's a big party waiting for you."

"Something like that. Well... bye," I said, before quickly blurting out the word, "Flowers!"

Carter laughed. "Flowers? Is that some sort of nickname?"

Using my plastic cup to smack myself on the forehead, I squeezed my eyes shut. "No, I meant..." I paused, taking a deep breath. "Thank you... for the flowers."

"Oh... you're welcome. Night, TJ."

"Night."

A wave of smoke clouded my vision as I pushed through the crowd. Reaching the side door, I glanced around the room to ensure no one had noticed what I was doing. Relief filled my lungs as I stepped outside, inhaling the fresh air. I looked down at my phone and dialled his number, pressing the device against my ear as I walked away from the venue. Once I was a safe amount of distance away, I sat down on the grass and took a swing from the bottle of vodka I was holding onto.

"Hey, sorry I missed your call," I said once Carter picked up. "I couldn't get away fast enough."

"Busy night?"

"A drummer from one of the bands we're touring with knows the manager of a bar and got the entire thing rented out tonight. It's pretty packed in there."

"Oh, well, I don't want to keep you from that. You didn't have to leave-"

"No, it's fine. Really."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I never thought I'd get bored of partying every night but I guess I am." I nervously chewed on my bottom lip. "Besides, I like talking to you."

"I like talking to you too. Actually, it's the best part of my day. It gives me something to look forward to."

His words sent an unknown feeling to my stomach; one that made it twist with unease. I raised the bottle to my lips and took a long sip. Hopefully, vodka was the cure to get rid of such a thing.

Ever since I had admitted to being on the other side of the call the other night, we had kept up the routine of speaking. Our conversation flowed with ease as we caught each other up with little stories of our day. His included meetings and promotional work, while mine was a story of something funny Patrick had done while hungover this morning.

"So, Pat's really into this girl?"

"He's head over heels for Gwen. Does anything he can to get her attention. It's kind of cute, actually."

"Cute?" Carter repeated. "Are you becoming some big softie now?"

"Whatever," I said with a laugh, rolling my eyes as I took another swing from the bottle.

The burn of the harsh liquid didn't have the same effect. I looked at the bottle, surprised to see how much I had consumed throughout our phone call. Guess that explained the lack of any vodka burn.

"I listened to the album tonight."

"Oh shit. It's done?"

He let out a deep breath. "Yeah. All done. No more chances left to restart it."

"How do you feel?"

"Nervous. Terrified." He paused. "What if people don't like it? What if the fans don't like the change in sound?"

"But, you like it... right?"

"I love it."

"Then who fucking cares?" I asked. "You like it. That's all that matters. Besides, everyone loved the single you put out. All the pre-teens are going crazy over it."

He laughed. "Do you hate all kids or do you just have a personal dislike of that specific age group?"

"All of the above." I turned my head, hearing commotion by the back door of the bar. Someone who resembled Weston had walked outside with a female companion. Thankfully, I was at a safe enough distance away as he had not yet noticed my presence.

"I wanted to thank you, by the way."

"For what?"

"Telling me what I had before was shit."

"Okay, I didn't say it like that."

"I knew what you meant," he said. "Besides, you were the first one that called me out on it sounding lost. Now, I have something that I'm actually proud of."

"TJ?" A voice from behind called out.

I turned my head. Shit. Weston had spotted me.

"Everything okay?"

I glanced over my shoulder, relieved to see that Weston hadn't begun to walk over. "I gotta go."

"Talk tomorrow?"

"Sure." I bit the inside of my cheek. "Carter?"

"Yeah?"

Before I could stop myself, I uttered three words I would regret saying to him, "I miss you."

oops. wonder why she's gonna regret saying that ??