So I have gone through some difficult situations in my life. Recently though, I've felt the most pain I've ever have. It was as if my heart had literally broken apart. It hurt me so much emotionally that it affected me physically. 

I got into a huge fight with my best friend. Now former best friend. I still spend nights lying awake thinking about it. When did we stop "play fighting"? When did it become real? 

Do I want to go back and redo it? or is this my life warning me? It might be my pain blinding me, but I don't know if I want to apologize. I know that my apology might not even change things, but in my head, it does. In my head I always imagine it working out, but idek what that is in this scenario.

We were closer than I had ever been with anyone else. I told her nearly everything I thought about, and she did the same. I thought about how we'd hang out over the summer, and eventually go through high school together and stay in touch through college and follow our dreams. I'm too naive I guess...

Even if we forgive each other, our friendship may never be the same. This "obstacle" may be larger than I thought. On the other hand we could go back to being best friends. We were fast friends when we met. I just want someone who knows what would happen through each side of my life, to tell me which way is the best one. 

If I don't apologize, it may be my biggest "what if?". Will I really be losing, if i get my best friend back? 

I just really really miss her, a lot. I miss having a best friend. Not just that, either, I miss her, in particular. It used to be that we smiled and rushed over to each other whenever we saw each other, but now it's just this vicious cycle of trying to prove to the other that we aren't. There are those few second long times when our eyes meet and we forget what we're supposed to be proving and it's like we both miss each other. It's almost like we're screaming at each other that we miss the other through those few seconds. 

Everything reminds me of her. In fact, the person I want to talk to about how difficult this is, is her. We had nearly everything in common or had some sort of memory for nearly everything. I'll be scrolling through my Instagram feed and see something funny or stupid or whatever, I'll push the send button and then realize that we've blocked each other and aren't talking.

...just please, let this work out...