My meltdowns are frequent or more like a routine. I guess I know why depression slowly crept over me. With no friends, family that supports and a husband that never loved you. I'm bond to end up this way sad, alone and suicidal. Do I have regrets? Many. I regretted that I for so long held onto a love that will fail. I regretted not being there with my parents in the car when the accident occurred, maybe then I wouldn't be alive living with the pain I have been keeping with me for years. I have thought about ending it all, in fact I planned it several times since I wouldn't be noticed anyway.

The first attempt was food poisoning, it didn't work since I had diarrhoea afterwards. The second was an overdose, that didn't work either because the attempt caused temporary side effects which made me hallucinate regularly until it eased after 3 months. The third was to fall from my 3 story house however, that plan also didn't work because I was scared of heights. The fourth was drowning, but I didn't want painful death rather a quick one so I bailed on that attempt. The Last was cutting myself but all it did was made me unconscious for a while. The method even became a way to calm myself yet after all those deep cuts on my skin I still won't die.

So eventually I stopped thinking of ways that I would kill myself. Instead I hoped to be robbed then shot, driven over by any type of vehicle or maybe even be suffocated be anything or anyone. Sadly, my life has just been quiet and lonely. So I decided to just continue my daily routine of sadness and not even try to stick with my bold idea which was to divorce my spouse. It's all I can do with all that I have.

My negative thoughts were disrupted when a sound came from my door. I assumed it was just my imagination since my situation screams out desperation but a voice completely changed my thought. "Amanda open up the door." That wasn't a statement it was a demand. It's normal since he's always been like that with me. But what was surprising is that he not once has ever came to my room. So why now? Definitely for a reason that doesn't concern my well-being because I never mattered to him and I never will.

When I wasn't responding Blake banged the door and shouted with anger clearly evident in his tone "Open up the door right now Amanda or I will break it down myself!"

I was still shocked by his strange behaviour but was jumped right out of it as fear consumed me. He yelled and yelled, banged and banged but I refused to open the door. I didn't want to face him, I didn't want see him for who knows what will happen when I do. I'm extremely vulnerable at this moment and I don't want him see me this way. I'm already weak and conniving bitch in his eyes so what will he think now when he sees me. Maybe he might think that I'm just faking it for his attention. I just hope that after he realise that I don't want to see him he'll just send a message to me using his assistant which he normally does.

Nonetheless he remained persistent and demanded for my obedience. I clenched my bruised arm and I wiped my tears quickly moving towards the drawer searching for a long sleeved top to hide my scars. Only then was I ready to open the door.

"Amanda I'm serious if you don't open the door now I will burst the door open!" Blake shouted. It was only then did I finally opened the door to see a handsome face distorted in anger. It's as if he would choke me at any minute and out of fear I shifted my head to the floor.

"You really are a piece of work you know that." He crisply spoke. I only hummed in response since I haven't fully recovered from my meltdown. "Tch! Say something woman! Aren't you gonna tell me why u didn't answer immediately?" He asked with those blue eyes piercing my entire being. "I-I have no obligation to tell you" I responded stuttering faintly. We never really had a decent conversation. We never were close nor did we reach to any sort of agreement. So I had no reason to tell him and he wouldn't care any ways. I know that.

"Have it your way since your business is not my problem." He said as I didn't noticed the frown that was visible upon his face. "I really don't want to be in this crappy place any longer so I'll make it quick. There's this event that starts this evening and it's my company's 50th anniversary. I'm obligated to bring you so don't think it's something I want rather its what my parents want." He spoke it all in one breath as if making sure the conversation ends quickly. I'm not surprised but it still hurts knowing he doesn't care about me.

At this moment I wanted to break down in tears. I wasn't ready for his abrupt appearance. I don't want to see him as yet. Just days ago I demanded a divorce and now I'm still cowering in fear just by being in his presence. Why did I do that? Now I'm just stuck here in this stressful situation regretting everything. My eyes were still glued to the ground holding back my tears that threaten to fall. Thankfully he swiftly left not before warning me carefully.

"Make sure you're ready by exactly 7:30pm sharp, Understand?" He questioned to which I gradually nodded. He slammed the door making sure to make a dramatic exit leaving me to think about all the mistakes I made in my cruel life.