Demi

"So, how are things going between you and Wilmer?"

I picked at the hem of my shirt as I pondered my therapist's question. I was in my individual appointment, and Wilmer would be here within the hour to start our couple's session.

"Good, I guess. I don't know. It still feels like we have that... it's not tension, it's just hesitance." I bit my lip and glanced at her. "The past few days it's weird for me to be able to touch him, and it's even weirder for him to be touching me."

"Wilmer told you he feels this hesitation too?"

"Not exactly."

Dr. Regan raised her eyebrows, not satisfied with my vague answer.

"He hasn't said anything, but he doesn't have to. I can feel it. Even when we're just sitting on the couch it's like for a moment we're strangers before we go back to normal, and I hate that. I hate this wall between us."

"Describe the feeling of being strangers." She tilted her head. "Is it physical tension? Or just mental tension?"

"Both, I guess. His entire body is stiff as a board, like he's not comfortable with me close." I frowned, remembering the way I had kissed him this morning, and how he barely kissed back. "It's like sometimes we're back to things being bad again."

"And what do you think that stems from?"

"Fear? He says he's over his issues with me, but how can that be true? How can he just go from hating me to loving me in one day?" I felt my throat closing and swallowed hard. "Sometimes I feel like he's only with me because of the baby."

"But you've asked him about it, and he said he's not."

I bit my lip and looked up at her. "He's lied to me before."

"And you've lied to him before."

I shook my head. "There's no comparison between what I did and what he did."

"You think what he did is worse."

"Yes." I murmured, honestly. "I do. I know it's bad to say that, but he broke me. He left me in pieces and expected me to put myself back together again. When I did, he shattered me again." I slowly shook my head and looked down again. "I would never do that to him, no matter what he did to me."

"Does Wilmer know you think this?"

"I don't know. I don't know what he thinks. It's hard to talk about it with him, because the more I do talk, the more I want to leave him."

"Because of the memories?"

"Because I keep reliving it. I keep seeing the look in his eyes that was just... it was pure hatred. He says he never hated me, but it's a lie because I saw it. I saw how he looked at me, like he didn't care if I lived or died, like he didn't care if he ever saw me again. I don't understand how he can go from that to how he's acting now. He has to be lying to me that he has no issues."

"Are you okay with talking about this during your joint session today?"

"Sure." I waved my hand and then rubbed my face. "We're not gonna get anywhere if we don't."

"Have you felt any urges to relapse?"

I swallowed hard and looked down, then away; out of the window and across the street. "Every day."

"Does Wilmer know that?"

"No." I let out a sarcastic laugh. "No, I don't think he ever will. I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell him anything like that again."

"What if you need him?"

"I can't need him." I shrugged simply. "I have to depend on myself because that trust is broken. I'll never be able to fully count on him when it comes to my recovery."

"You think he'll put you back in a facility?"

"Worse." I shook my head. "If I ever go back to drugs, or any of it, he'll leave me."

~*~

After my therapist appointment I walked outside to wait for Wilmer. After about ten minutes, he pulled up in his Tesla and got out, smiling at me widely.

"Hey, Dems."

He pulled me into a hug and I wrapped my arms around him, folding myself into his body.

"Hi."

Wilmer cupped my cheeks and it happened again; the hesitation. He pulled away a fraction of an inch, his eyes flashing with a hidden emotion I couldn't depict, before his lips touched mine gently. "How was your appointment?"

"Good." I forced a smile and shrugged. "Heavy stuff, not exactly fun."

"You okay?" Wilmer frowned and took my hand as we walked into the building.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just drained."

He smiled softly and nodded, his attention focusing on Dr. Regan who was waiting for us outside her office door.

"Hello, Wilmer. It's good to see you."

"Good to see you too." He shook her hand and followed her into the office, taking a seat on the couch with me next to him.

"So, how are you today?"

"Good." He flashed a smile and glanced at me. "Can't complain."

"Good. So, let's jump into this. Demi, would you like to tell Wilmer what we talked about?"

I sighed and crossed my legs, looking anywhere but at Wilmer. "I don't think you're really past what happened."

He sighed and his hand squeezed mine. "Why do you think that?"

"Because you hesitate." I finally looked at him, shaking my head. "You're you, but you're not you. It's like just for a moment, before you touch me or kiss me, you're back in that place where you hated me."

"I never hated you-"

"Bullshit." I interrupted, keeping my voice even. "It'd make me feel better if you didn't lie to me. I saw it; I saw the way you looked at me. It was pure hatred, Will. It's okay if you did, really."

Wilmer looked down, and my heart clenched as he basically confirmed that he did have those feelings against me.

"I'm sorry."

I forced a smile, feeling tears beginning to form in my eyes. "It's okay."

"Do you guys want to know what I think?"

"That's why we're here."

She smiled at my jab, and kept going. "I think the love between you two is so intense, and so passionate, that it can sometimes cross that thin line between love and hate. I know it sounds bad, but because the both of you have the personality of being all-in when you're in a relationship, that it makes it more difficult for the two of you to realize how much you've hurt each other until he damage is already done. However, even though the damage may seem more than you can handle, you both end up back together anyway. Tell me about when you two fight, not blowouts, but just a normal fight between the two of you. How long until it gets loud?"

I looked down and swallowed hard. "Not long at all. It's usually me who starts yelling though."

"And how does it usually end?"

Wilmer sighed, looking out the window. "Mostly it's insulting each other and then storming off."

"Do you go to bed angry?"

"If the fight lasts past one day, we don't even sleep in the same bed, sometimes it's not even the same house." I murmured, remembering all the times over the years where I cried myself to sleep alone because Wilmer was angry with me and slept at our house in Tarzana.

"And how long does the separation last for?"

"Until one of us gives in, usually whoever started the fight is the one that holds out the longest. If Demi is upset with something I did, it's me who will apologize. If I'm upset with Demi, it's her that will apologize."

"And what do you do when you leave the house after an argument, Wilmer?"

I felt Wilmer's entire body tense, and he let go of my hand. "I usually go to the bar a few minutes away from my house in Tarzana."

"Did you spend a lot of time there when Demi was in Timberline Knolls?"

"Yeah." He picked at the hem of his jeans.

"Does that trigger memories for you? Remember this is an open line of communication."

"No."

My eyes searched over his face, and suddenly my body went cold. "What did you do when I was in there?"

"Nothing!" His eyes flashed with that hidden emotion again. "Just work."

Just like that, it was 2011 all over again, before this it had been the blackest spot in our relationship. I sat back in the chair and stared at the floor for a moment before I closed my eyes, my heart was already beginning to put up wall after wall.

"Did you sleep with someone else?"

I couldn't bear to open my eyes as silence filled the room.

"Yes."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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-Rachel