Demi

I don't know how, but I woke up in bed with Wilmer. My head was nestled into the crook of his neck, my body snuggled as close to his warmth as I could get. His arms were locked around me, and I could feel the slow rise and fall of his breathing and hear his steady thumping heartbeat.

When I opened my eyes, I blinked a few times, taking in my surroundings. I nearly sat up the moment I realized it was Wilmer next to me, but paused for a second as I took in the feeling of waking up next to him again. It felt so natural; like just for a moment, everything was perfect and back to normal. After a moment's hesitation, I relaxed in his embrace, closing my eyes as I inhaled the subtle scent of his skin. I had missed this so much; I missed him more than the drugs, or the alcohol. They had no temptation in this moment, as I laid here with him. There was no allure of getting high or drunk and partying the night away. I'd take lying here with him over any night out, any day.

Wilmer shifted in his sleep, and a moment later, his breathing changed as he woke up. I kept my eyes closed, pretending to be asleep to see what he would do. I felt him tense for a moment, then his lips touched my forehead. His hands moved me off of him, rolling me to my side, then I felt his weight leave the mattress.

NO! I wanted to scream. Stay.

Once the door closed, I peeked my eyes open and glanced at my alarm clock. It was just after eight am. I sighed, sitting up and rubbing my face. The doubts I had with Wilmer fluctuated. Some days I wanted to run into his arms and never let go of him, and other days I wanted to leave; to run away so I would never see him again.

After another twenty minutes of mulling over my internal confliction, I got out of bed, and walked downstairs. Wilmer was sitting at the counter, on his iPad, a cup of coffee next to him.

"Did you make a pot or a single cup?" I murmured, grabbing a mug from the cabinet.

"Single cup." He replied. "I didn't know how long you were going to sleep for." I made coffee, then began to walk out of the room, but his voice stopped me. "Dems?"

"What?" I said, not turning around.

"Happy anniversary."

Every muscle in my body froze, guilt and horror at forgetting our anniversary filling my stomach and turning it in knots. I turned and stared at him with wide eyes, but was only greeted by his gentle smile.

"I don't blame you." He said, looking down at his coffee. "It's been crazy lately."

"Wilmer." I breathed, rubbing my face. "I'm so sorry. I didn't even realize- fuck."

He shook his head, standing up and taking a few steps over to me. "No, please. Don't feel bad or anything... I made reservations, but we don't have to go anywhere if you don't want to."

I bit my lip, hesitating as I stared at him. "We can go... But Will, I'm not ready for anything yet."

"I understand." He smiled softly and shrugged, shoving his hands into his pockets. "Seven o'clock at Urasawa."

My mouth fell open when he named the restaurant; it's well known to be one of the most expensive places in LA. "We don't have to go there. It's way overpriced."

"It's already done." He raised an eyebrow. "And it's pre-paid."

I couldn't stop the small smile that spread over my lips. Throughout our relationship we always got in little fights about who was allowed to pick up the check. We had both gotten sneaky, going behind each other's back to the waitress, and even calling the restaurant a week before.

"Fine." I said, then walked out of the room.

~*~

"I don't know Riss, how can I ever see him the same way again? How can I ever look at him with complete faith again?"

"It's not about having complete faith. You're never going to feel like that again, even if you move on and forgive him. He's never going to have complete faith in you either. That doesn't mean the two of you should get a divorce."

I shuddered at the last word. A year ago and I would've hung up on her for even suggesting something so ludicrous.

"I can't divorce him." I breathed, leaning my head back to stare at the ceiling. "Break up, maybe. But I could never divorce him." I sighed and looked down, my hand coming up to rest over my stomach. "Besides, it's not just me I have to think about now."

"What?"

I swallowed hard, a smile forming on my face. "I'm pregnant, Marissa."

"WHAT?!" I pulled the phone away from my ear as she began screaming and felt small butterflies of giddiness make their way into my stomach. "How far along are you? Oh my god have you had an ultrasound yet? How do you feel? I'm so EXCITED!"

I laughed, and shook my head even though she couldn't see me. "I'm about nine weeks. I've had one ultrasound so far. I feel really good."

"Who have you told? Why didn't I know sooner?"

"I haven't told anyone, just Wilmer." I sighed heavily, hesitating for  moment before I spilled my secret. "I almost had an abortion."

The other end was silent for a few moments. "Oh, Demi..."

"I wasn't in a good place." I murmured. "It was right after I got back from Mike's... Wilmer was still giving me the cold shoulder and I just snapped. After I saw the ultrasound and heard the heartbeat, I couldn't do it."

"Jesus christ." She whispered. "I didn't know."

"No one did. No one even knows now. I still haven't told my mom, or Maddie, or Dallas."

"What are you waiting for?"

"I'm just scared." I pulled my knees into my chest and pinched the bridge of my nose, a small sob coming from my chest. "I'm so scared. What if I miscarriage? I'll fall apart. I won't be able to put myself back together again."

"Demi, you have to stay positive."

"We tried for so long." I breathed. "Something could go wrong so easily."

I could feel a panic attack coming on. My chest began to tighten, it was becoming harder to breathe.

"I gotta go Riss."

"Wait!"

I hung up before she could speak again, and threw my phone, putting my head between my knees. Still, the panic rose, my brain flipping through images of having a miscarriage, planning out scenarios in my head.

"WILMER!"

His feet pounded down the hallway. The door burst open and in another second I was wrapped up tight against his chest.

"Easy, Dems." He said, his voice rising above the rest of the demons screaming in my head. "It's okay. You're okay."

I shoved my face into his neck, gripping his t-shirt in my fists as my entire body wracked with sobs. The entire world was closing in on me, and the thought that I could lose the child inside of me.

"Let it happen." Wilmer rubbed my back firmly. "Let it pass, Demi."

I stayed tucked into his side for a long time, but eventually my sobs turned to crying, and I could breathe again. Once my tears ran dry, I laid numbly on his body, my hands still trembling.

"That was a bad one." He murmured. "What were you thinking about?"

I closed my eyes and sighed, then took his hand, pulling it down so it rested over my stomach. My eyes met his, and they filled with tears again at the look in his eyes.

"Demi, you can't think like that." He tugged my shirt up and gently rubbed the skin there. "You need to focus on right now. You and the baby are fine. In this moment, you are healthy. That's what matters. We can think about three months from now when the time comes."

I shook my head and laid back against his chest. "I can't stop." My voice was rough and crack from screaming. "I was talking to Marissa and I told her about the baby and almost getting rid of it and I couldn't stop thinking about what could happen."

"Don't listen to those thoughts. They're wrong."

I didn't answer, closing my eyes and shifting closer to him. "Why did you come in here last night?"

His entire body froze. "I didn't know you were awake."

"I wasn't... I woke up with you here."

Wilmer was quiet for a moment. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

Slowly, I lifted my head to look at him. "You didn't. I just want to know why."

He touched my cheek lightly. "It was too hard not to."

I swallowed, then got up and walked to the closet. I took out another letter, the second one I had written to him, then stared at it for a few seconds before sighing and walking back to the bed. Wilmer's eyes widened when he saw what was in my hands, but kept silent. I sat down, folding my legs underneath myself and opened the sealed envelope, trying to ignore the RETURN TO SENDER stamped across it.

I took a deep breath, then began to read it aloud.

Wilmer,

I miss you. I know you don't believe me and I know you can barely look at me, but I miss you. Things are so hard here, so much harder than before. I'm trying to understand this, but I can't. I can't understand the look in your eyes when you left me here. I can't understand what I feel when I remember how you walked out of the door without a second glance. I don't know how I'm supposed to get better here when the antidote to my pain is hellbent on staying as far away from me as possible.

You didn't come.

I didn't know the true meaning of heartbreak until today, until I walked into the lobby and you weren't there. I didn't know true pain until I realized that I was alone. That I would have to do this alone.

I can't change your mind. I can't change what happened. I can't change who I am. I wish that I could. You have no idea how much I wish I could be perfect for you, how much I wish I could see myself the way you see me, or the way you used to see me.

I hate myself. I hate myself for what I did before I met you, and for what I've done in the past three months. You are the single best thing that has ever happened to me, and now I've lost you.

I love you more than words can ever express.

-Demi

Neither of us spoke for a few moments.

"I'm sorry."

I folded up the letter and put it back in the envelope.

"I know."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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