Demi

My entire life I've never let anybody in. I've kept up wall after wall and layer after layer of a mental cage around me so that I never had to truly get hurt. So that I never had to truly somehow navigate through total and absolute heartbreak.

And then there was Wilmer.

We spent hours laying in our bed, wrapped up around each other, too comfortable to move or think about the tasks for the days to come. We spoke about kids, what color we'd paint the nursery, and what school we'd send them to. I wondered aloud about what instrument our baby would first learn to play, and planned ahead for the songs I would sing them to sleep at night.

When we found out about my issues with infertility, it took me weeks to stop bursting into tears every time I saw a baby, and to stop wandering into Target with sunglasses and a baseball hat to stare at baby clothes. I would have nightmares about me having miscarriages or my children dying, and I would wake up screaming in Wilmer's arms. I sobbed in his arms about how scared I was to be a mom, because of how fragile I could become.

We talked about absolutely everything, and I never even noticed how many walls he knocked down. I didn't even think about it.

Until I found myself in the middle of a field of my mental carnage, with Wilmer right next to me.

I paced around the room, my arms wrapped around me as tightly as possible to try and keep together the fragile shards of my heart I had left to cherish.

His words lashed around me in my head, taunting my deepest fears and insecurities. He was afraid of the type of mother I would be. He was so afraid of the issues of mine that he had sworn in front of our family and friends he would fight against, that he no longer wanted to have children with me. He no longer wanted to have a family with me.

I wanted to slit my wrists. I wanted to throw myself out the window. My skin crawled with the urge to cut every inch of it. My brain was on overdrive, the demons in my head screaming at me to act of my suicidal urges.

Never in my life had I wanted to die so bad.

So I did the only thing I could.

My steps back down the stairs were slow, as if every atom of my being was preventing me from making this choice. I took deep breaths in through my nose, letting out streams of air through my mouth. I made it to the solid floor and gripped the banister tightly, a stab of pain shooting through my heart as more of Wilmer's words floated around me.

You want to bring a child into this marriage? Do you think that'll fix anything?

Could what we have even be called a marriage anymore? Could the hate in his eyes ever be replaced with the love he had for me on our wedding day? Would he ever forgive me for the things I did the past few months? Could I ever forgive him?

You think I'll be able to love you just because a child comes into the picture? You're being selfish, and stupid.

He didn't love me. Of course he didn't. I don't even love me. Selfishness has always been a quality of mine. I wanted Wilmer more than my parent's opinions of him. I wanted Wilmer more than the harsh words of the world and the scornful comments of my fans. I was selfish, and chose him.

Stupidity wasn't a far off mark either. How could I be so stupid in thinking Wilmer could handle me? That he too wouldn't eventually leave? How could I think that eventually things wouldn't get too harder and that love would always be enough?

I'm too afraid of the type of mother you'd be!

The mother I would be. My hand pressed to my stomach, and I could picture a small bump swelling to hold a child Wilmer and I had conceived together. I could see the sonograms and picking out nursery colors and stuffed animals.

The only problem is that the baby that could be inside of me was conceived not out of love, but out of built up, hateful lust. Purely instinctual and animalistic. How could I look at my child and see the memories of Wilmer's cold, venomous eyes staring into my soul.

I walked into the living room, trailing my fingertips along the walls. There were so many memories in this house, so many happy memories that were now tainted by the bad ones. I could remember the first night we spent here after we bought it; Wilmer had insisted on consummating the event on every flat surface in the house. We spend the whole night laughing and talking about the future. We spent the whole night so in love it felt like my heart would burst. Now those memories were tainted, tinged black by the blackhole that had become my marriage, determined on ruining everything that came in it's path.

Wilmer sat on the couch, his head in his hands. I stood in the doorway, leaning against the wood as I examined him.

He looked like my husband, in every respect of the word. He was strong, and capable. He could provide support, and our bodies fit together like a lock and key. He could love me, protect me, and help me. He was my lifeline.

And now I'm in the middle of the ocean, drowning.

"Wilmer."

His head lifted out of his hands slowly, his eyes meeting mine as I tried not to flinch away from the lack of warmth in them.

"What?"

I swallowed hard, trying to put my thoughts into words.

"I need you to drive me to Mike Bayer's house."

His thick eyebrows furrowed, anger replacing the lack of emotion in his eyes. "Why?"

I couldn't meet his furious gaze any longer and stared at the floor. "Because I'm afraid I'm going to try and kill myself."

"Kill yourself?" I nodded once. "Do you want to die?"

I took another slow, deep breath, closing my eyes as his words swirled around me again.

"Yes."

"You're sure about this? You know what this means?"

"I know what it means." I whispered.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

He barely spared me another glance. "Pack a bag."

I walked upstairs even slower than I had come down. I didn't cry, even though I wanted to; I didn't have any tears left to give. My first stop was Wilmer's room. I pulled out two of his shirts, and the sweatshirt from my first night here. I knew Mike's routine. I would have absolutely no contact with Wilmer, or anyone in my family. Wilmer's clothes would be my only comfort where I was going.

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-Rachel