"When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me. Speaking words of wisdom, let it be." Paul McCartney, Let It Be

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Chapter Twenty – Three

Kit felt as if nothing would ever be as good as it once was. Olivia was gone. She had left. She had given up her room in the hotel they were staying in and she had left. She had climbed in a carriage and disappeared.

It wasn't just words. Her fears were not mere jitters. She had been completely serious and she had left him.

The feeling of being left behind was utterly bleak. It physically hurt, as if someone was stabbing him in the chest repeatedly. Kit mourned the life he had planned for himself and Olivia. It was almost like that person had died. He had honestly thought that he would be engaged to be married at this moment. And yet he wasn't. Olivia had been feeling all sorts of doubts for months and she had not told him. And God forgive him, he was so angry at her for it.

How could one person love, mourn and be angry at another all at once?

Kit had never experienced heartbreak before. He had never been in love before Olivia. He had never even thought that it would not work out perfectly. He had thought that she felt the same way about him.

In the back of his mind, Kit understood that Olivia did love him, she just was not ready for what Kit was ready for. He knew that the right thing to do was to let her go. She deserved to be happy, and if he could not make her happy then alas, c'est la vie.

But at this moment it was difficult to focus on the positive.

Kit had spent the next few weeks in a haze. He attended parliament each day but it was difficult to pay attention which was an added weight on his shoulders. How could he properly represent the people who elected him when he could not even concentrate on what was being argued about?

"You don't look well, Kensington. You haven't done for a while now. Are you ill?" commented Mr Ashcroft halfway through March.

Olivia had been gone for just over three weeks. Kit had not heard from her. She had not written to say she had arrived safe, wherever she had gone. It was another blow to know that there would be no contact, no communication with the person who had been his closest friend and confidante these last months.

Kit felt truly pathetic. There was nothing physically wrong with him, and yet his symptoms felt entirely physical. "A little under the weather," he replied, under exaggerating entirely.

"Take a few weeks," he instructed. "Go to Bath. You will feel better. Return refreshed ready to fight until the summer recess." Mr Ashcroft slapped him on the shoulder and left Kit.

Kit left parliament and found himself looking to the bench as he always did. Every time he saw it was empty, or worse, occupied by a couple, it hit him again. There were memories everywhere.

Kit was alone in London. He was alone and yet he had a very important job to do, and at the moment he was failing in that dismally. There was so much Kit wanted to achieve, and while he was feeling like this he was useless.

Mr Ashcroft was right. Kit needed to leave for a little while. But not to Bath. He needed to go home. He did not have anyone in London, but he had people in Derbyshire.

Kit needed his family.

***

Five days later, Kit found himself travelling through the gates of Norwood Cottage. Had he really not been here since September?

Kit could not believe how much time had passed. He had not really noticed it much while he was spending time planning with Olivia.

But it had been half a year since he had seen his family. Half a year. How could he have let this ill feeling carry on for so long? How could he have treated his family in such a way?

And yet here he was, in the darkest time of his life thus far, ready to ask for their help in healing. Kit knew he did not deserve it.

What could have happened in six months? The biggest change would be the number of people in his family. His mother would have had the baby by now. Did he have a new brother or sister? Good Lord, he suddenly thought. What if something terrible had happened? Would they have written to him?

His father would have recovered from his surgery by now, he hoped well.

Lucy would have had her birthday, too. And Kit, being swept up in his new role, and forgotten to send her something.

He was lucky Emma did not have a birthday for a few months or he would have been royally punished by both his sisters.

Kit leaned his head back in the carriage for the last few moments of the ride. "Lord, I hope they forgive me," he whispered to himself. "I need them."

Kit opened the door once the carriage was stopped and instructed the driver to unload his trunk and then leave it. The footmen would collect it. Kit paid him handsomely for his services before walking up the steps to the door.

Kit took a deep breath. His movements were anticipated by Wade, their butler. The door was opened promptly and he was formally welcomed like a guest, and not a resident. Kit supposed that was fair.

"Welcome to Norwood, sir," he greeted formally, bowing his head.

Kit crossed the threshold into the house as two footmen exited to collect his trunk. "Hello there, Wade," murmured Kit. "Are my family here?"

No sooner had Kit had a chance to stand in the foyer and take in the surroundings that he had not seen for six months, Kit's question was answered, but not by Wade.

"They are," said a voice from above.

The hairs on Kit's neck suddenly stood up. Goose pimples covered his skin. Kit looked up to the landing that overlooked the foyer.

Daring to meet his father's eye, Kit suddenly felt like a fourteen year old boy again. When he first met Cassian, Kit felt so inferior, so stupid compared to this superior man who seemed to want an audience with him. Kit had felt ashamed of his own inferiorities.

Kit felt ashamed again. Not of his inferiorities, but for how he had handled the last six months.

Cassian's expression was hard. Unreadable. His black eyes betrayed nothing. He crossed his arms over his chest, standing rigidly. There was no affection in the way that he looked down at Kit. There was no sense of him missing Kit, as Olivia had insisted when she had visited with him at Christmastime.

Cassian was still so angry at Kit. Kit knew that he had really hurt his father.

The footmen entered the house again, interrupting the staring going on between father and son. They went to carry the trunk up the stairs, but Cassian stopped them, holding his hand up.

"You are planning on staying?" he asked, emotionless.

Kit was suddenly fearful that things were so much worse than he feared. Was he not going to be allowed to stay? "Am I not welcome?" replied Kit.

"For God's sake, Cassian!" hissed his mother's voice. Kit could not see Faith, but in hearing her voice he knew she had to be standing in the hallway nearby.

"Let us go into the library." Cassian heeded his wife's words and began to descend the stairs. The footmen moved out of the way to accommodate him. "You may take that up to Master Kit's bedroom," he instructed them.

That brought Kit a little relief. Together, though silent, they walked into the Norwood library. It was much as he remembered it. Kit took a seat on one of the sofas while Cassian shut the door behind them. Cassian then joined him, choosing to sit opposite Kit.

Cassian still looked as hard as ever. His facial expression refused to betray any emotion to Kit. Kit, on the other hand, was certain he looked terrible. Weeks of sleepless nights would do that.

Kit knew he had just had to speak. He had to make peace. There had to be love between them again. It could not go on like this. "Father, I'm sorry," Kit said sincerely. "I am sorry for disappearing like I did. I am sorry for speaking to you the way I did. I disrespected you when I know that all you ever wanted was the best for me."

Kit would not ruin his apology with an excuse. He was glad of the result in running away. He had achieved something incredible. He was in a position to do such good in the world. He had made the right decision even if he had gone about it the wrong way.

And he had fallen in love. No matter how painful it felt right now.

Cassian exhaled and his jaw relaxed a little. "I never knew my father. I never had a man to guide me in the ways of the world, a father to fight for me, to be there for me, to provide for me. I knew that when I took you in I was going to give you the opportunities that I never had as a boy."

Cassian's tone was confusing to Kit. He did not sound angry, nor particularly happy. Was he accepting Kit's apology or just emphasising how ungrateful a son Kit was?

"I thought I knew what was best for you. And somewhere between teaching you to read and you walking out of this house I stopped listening to you. A monumental failure in my eyes."

The hard exterior of Cassian instantly melted away. Emotion filled his face. Kit could see the wretched longing suddenly in his father's eyes. Kit had been missed terribly.

"I pushed you," Cassian said, moving forward in his seat. "I pushed you into the life I wanted for you, and I did not stop to ask you what life you wanted for yourself. It took you leaving this house, leaving me, for me to realise that I was not the father I always thought I was."

"But the things I said ..." Kit chastised himself.

"The things you said to me were cruel," Cassian granted, showing the hurt in his eyes. "I do not think I will ever forget my son suggesting to me that I ought to have picked a more obedient orphan to be my son."

Kit winced. Had those words really come out of his mouth? Had he really wanted to injure his father that much in the moment? "Father, I'm sorry."

"I know you are," replied Cassian. "But after the initial shock had worn off, I got to thinking about your behaviour all these years we have been a family, and you were right. You have always done everything I have ever asked of you. You went to the schools I wanted. You left your teaching position when I asked. You helped with your sisters whenever we needed. You spent your holidays here instead of with your friends because I asked you to. And I got to thinking, what sort of father had I become that my own son could not tell me what he really wanted?"

"I never wanted to disappoint you."

"I know that now." Cassian smiled slightly.

"I never wanted to disappoint you because I was so proud to be your son. I am proud to be your son," Kit insisted. "You were never a terrible barbarian. You are the kindest man I know. You did everything for me and how did I thank you?"

Cassian sighed. He stood up from his sofa and joined Kit. "You do not need to thank me, Kit. We do not do the things we do as parents to receive thanks. We do it to see our children thrive, to see them have it better than we did. You will understand yourself when you are a parent one day." Cassian placed his hand on Kit's shoulder.

In feeling his father's hand, comforting as it was, Kit felt a significant weight life. His heart was still clouded with all that Olivia had done to it, but the pain was lighter now. "I want you to be proud of me, Father. Much has changed since I ... went away."

Cassian nodded. "Oh, my boy." He sighed. "There was never a prouder father than me as I watched you become an MP in January."

Kit was suddenly taken aback. "You were there?" he asked in disbelief.

Cassian nodded again. "I am sure I will quarrel horrendously with all of my children, but nothing will stop me from being present for their big moments. I am so proud of you, Kit, and I love you."

Kit pulled his father into a tight hug. "Forgive me," he willed.

Cassian chuckled and patted his back. "Of course, my boy." When they pulled apart, Cassian turned towards the door. "You can come in now!" he called.

The library door opened and Faith moved like lightning. Before Kit knew what was happening she was hugging him so tightly that he could not breathe. The first thing that Kit noticed about her was that she did not have a huge pregnant belly sticking into him. She had definitely had the baby.

"Mother!" coughed Kit.

Faith immediately released him and took a step back, though not releasing his hands. Faith looked so happy. As she had been the one writing him during his time away, Kit knew how much she had missed him.

"Mother, I am sorry for everything," Kit said sincerely.

Faith's brown eyes were watery. "I am just glad you are returned. It has not been the same with this hanging about the house." She wiped her eyes with her sleeve. "Where is Olivia? I expected the two of you to be together."

It was like a punch directly to the gut. Kit was saved from having to answer that question by a mop of curly black hair streaking into the library.

"Kit!" squealed Emma, stringing out the vowel sound in his name.

Kit caught her in his arms just as she jumped into them. Emma was so much bigger; he could not believe it. She was not even seven yet and she looked like a proper girl now, no longer little. Kit kissed her cheek. "I missed you, Emma."

"Don't ever go away again. I forget what you look like!" she cried dramatically.

"Well, I do have to go away in a little while," Kit told his sister, "but not just yet." Kit caught a glimpse of Lucy standing in the doorway of the library. She did not look as pleased to see Kit as Emma was. She also did not look so much as the Lucy he remembered. She was eleven now, and was turning into a young lady. She was no longer dressed as a little girl, with hems allowing her to run and play. She wore a proper gown with her brown hair braided just so. It was startling how grown up she was starting to look. "I missed you, Goose," Kit said to her.

Considering there was no blood relation, it was startling how similar Lucy's expression of displeasure was to Cassian's. "You missed Christmas!" she said accusingly. "And my birthday!"

Kit put Emma down on the floor. "I know," he said apologetically. "I am sorry. Can you forgive me?"

Lucy glared at him.

Kit threw himself on the floor dramatically. It was quite fun to play with his sisters again. It was nice to experience something light after the past few weeks of utter hell. "Please, Lucy!" Kit begged. "Please, forgive me!"

Lucy tried not the smile but she broke easily. She rolled her eyes and stalked over to Kit to give him a hug.

"I have a present for you," said Kit.

"Really?" Lucy asked excitedly in anticipation.

Kit produced the ring that he had presented to Olivia as an engagement ring. He had kept it in his pocket for the last month. He was torturing himself, really, by keeping it on his person. It ought to go to someone who would appreciate it.

"A grown up girl should have a grown up ring." Kit slipped the small ring onto Lucy's hand. It was a little big for her, but she would grow into it.

Lucy gasped with delight. "Mama!" she cried. "Mama, look at my present!" She rushed over to Faith to show off her ring.

Both Cassian and Faith exchanged a glance. Kit knew that they knew exactly what that ring had been, and who it had been intended for. He could see on their faces that they had begun to piece together what might have happened.

The ring, Olivia's absence, and the fact that Kit looked absolutely dreadful, all had to mean that something had happened. Kit would tell them about it when he was ready.

He was glad that they seemed to understand this instead of pressing for information.

"Kit," said Faith, a smile forming on her face. "How would you like to be introduced to your brother?"

---

Hope you liked it!

Just to clarify a mistake I made a couple of chapters ago - Lucy mentions she's turning seven to Olivia. This is what happens when you write your chapters at two o'clock in the morning. You confuse your character's ages. Emma is the one turning seven. Lucy is eleven. Whoops. I was re-reading that chapter the other day and I'm like "Hang on, that's wrong." Hope that clears things up! 

I've had Wimbledon on in the background as I've been writing and our Aussies are doing amazing! Watched every single one get through in the matches they've televised so far. Matty Ebden just knocked out Goffin! Only bad thing is when Aussies are playing they don't televise Centre Court so I missed Nadal. I adore Nadal. I've had a massive crush on him for years hahaha. While I was in Europe I missed the Australian Open. My mum actually took photos of him on the TV for me and sent them to me hahaha. 

Okay, better head to sleep. Vote and comment!