"I don't know when we'll see each other again or what the world will be like when we do. We may both have seen many horrible things. But I will think of you every time I need to be reminded that there is beauty and goodness in the world." Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha

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Chapter Twenty - Two

"Clearly the Member for Highbury is spouting nonsense!"

"Mr Speaker!" cried the Member for Highbury in retaliation. "It is imperative that we as a people keep the grain prices high in order to secure maximum profit from trade! Perhaps the Member for Northcote needs one or two lessons in economics?" he teased across the floor.

The energy in the House of Commons was electric. Kit was in absolute awe, and had been for the past month he had been in London. He was sitting only a few rows back from the Prime Minister, who was now out of his seat enforcing his party's stance on the price of grain, much to the chagrin of the Whigs, and adding to the migraine of the Speaker. 

Kit had found much of parliamentary life to be arguing in the House, shouting across the room your position until it was time to retire for the day. The Whigs and the Tories seemed to be opposed on every single subject, and so one had to be prepared to put up a fight to pass any law.

Kit was learning every day. He was learning that it was not as easy as he had once thought to bring about social change once in parliament. He was young; possibly the youngest MP in the House, and so he was not experienced enough to put forth any of his own ideas yet. His role was to support his superiors, to gain their respect and support, before he could introduce any one of his ideas.

It was not easy either. Kit had a conscience, and there were many things that he might have had a different opinion on, but it was not the time yet.

The price of grain, for example, was a subject that Kit had an opinion on, and it was not one that reflected his party's. His heart said lower the price, but his head understood why they didn't want to.

These were small battles. The war was yet to be fought and won. Once he was able to introduce education reforms into parliament, the people of this country would be able to afford higher prices for grain.

Kit had been taken under the wing of Richard Ashcroft, one of the PM's ministers. Kit knew that he was seen as exciting within the party elders, the future of politics. His background excited them, particularly as he was the son of a self-made man and not a peer who had bought his son's way into the House. Kit was representative of the working man, or so they said, and would refresh and improve the image of the party.

Kit was happy to learn, and to pave the way to him having his say within the House.

When the House retired for the day, Kit met with Mr Ashcroft. Mr Ashcroft was older than Kit's father, at least by ten years or so. He was a seasoned politician, having held his seat for the past two decades.

"Just a few more days I wager," mused Mr Ashcroft, "and we'll have a vote on this issue and we can move on to the next. You ought to join us at the Club this evening, Kensington. I am certain that your youth will liven up our smoking party."

Kit laughed nervously. "I thank you for the invitation, Mr Ashcroft, but I fear I am already engaged this evening." How literal he hoped that would be.

"Ah, pity. Tomorrow then." And Mr Ashcroft departed.

Kit did not think that he would ever move past the grandeur that was the Palace of Westminster. To think it was where he was now employed. Kit exited out into Central London, onto the street overlooking the River Thames. 

It was early evening, and everyone seemed to be in a rush to get to their evening engagements. Kit looked over to a bench that overlooked the river. As usual, Olivia was sitting on it, looking out over the river.

Kit smiled, though she had not seen him yet. He placed his hand in his pocket and felt the ring that he had placed there this morning. Oh how he prayed this night would go well.

***

Olivia watched as a dirty great crate floated down the Thames. The water really was grotty. She wished that people would take better care of it.

Olivia was sitting on her usual bench outside the Houses of Parliament. It had become routine for her and Kit. He would go to work in Westminster in the morning, and Olivia would meet him on this bench each evening, where they would then go on to enjoy a play or dine at a restaurant. All sorts of normal activities for people who were courting.

What Olivia did during the day was her own business, which Kit did not often inquire after. Olivia usually spent her days walking. She knew the surrounding areas and streets backwards and forwards, sideways and back again. She could close her eyes and point out important structures with accuracy. She could tell you which little patisserie made the nicest scones.

What she could not tell you, though, was what on earth she was doing here.

Olivia had been meeting Kit on this bench for a month now. They had been in London a month. In that time, she had watched Kit flourish. She loved how much he loved parliament. She was so proud to see him succeed and to know she had a part in it.

But what she could not stand was sitting here on this bench waiting, or spending her days wandering around London, and doing nothing with her time. Olivia had such ambition, such vision for what she was to do with her life. And she was staring it most of the time. She was staring at the Houses of Parliament, watching others, watching Kit, do what she desperately wanted to.

Aunt Lorna had said the jealousy would go away. Olivia had tried to make the right decision. She had tried being the dutiful, patient partner of Kit. She had tried to suppress this jealousy and carry on as if nothing was wrong.

But something was terribly wrong. Olivia was not one to sit around waiting while others did the work she wanted to. Something had to change. And she was going to tell Kit tonight.

Olivia honestly did not know how their conversation was going to go. She did not know how Kit was going to understand that she had been effectively lying to him for months by not telling him how she was feeling. Would he hate her? Would he resent her? Olivia wouldn't blame him.

Olivia's role in Kit's parliamentary career was over. He did not need her anymore, and there was nothing wrong with that. But that did not mean that Olivia was content to live the life she had been living for the past month.

"Good evening."

Olivia had been so consumed in her own thoughts that she had not heard Kit approaching. She turned around quickly to see him standing before her, smiling down at her quizzically.

"Oh, you startled me," she gushed.

"Where was your head?" he asked curiously, his brow furrowing.

"It's a long story," she murmured. That was an understatement. "How was today?" she asked, patting the seat beside her.

Kit joined her on the bench. "Much the same as yesterday, and such will be tomorrow I expect. Arguing about the price of grain."

"It ought to be lowered," replied Olivia firmly. "Poor farmers cannot afford to purchase the grain they produce for their masters."

"I agree," nodded Kit. "But it's the position of the party that higher prices promote growth within trade. I cannot argue while I am still so inexperienced. When I introduce our education reform, everyone will be able to purchase grain."

Olivia appreciated that Kit said "our". Kit wanted to include her. But once again, Aunt Lorna had been right. There were certain barriers that she was not allowed to cross, and she had to get used to it.

There was nothing for her here. What a conclusion to realise. What a horrid thing to know. And wicked did that make her when Kit and his good heart were right here?

Olivia needed to tell him. She needed him to listen to her, as he always had, and she prayed he had a solution that could stop this gut-wrenching jealousy that was simply eating her up inside.

"Kit, I need to talk to you. I need to tell you something." Olivia's tone was suddenly so serious, and Kit took notice immediately.

Kit turned his body towards her properly and took her hand in his. He looked at her intently, the concern shining through his green eyes. "What is it?" he asked quietly, his voice thick with unease.

Olivia could feel the heavy emotion filling her throat. She was going to cry, she just knew it. She had to tell him the truth.

Olivia sucked in a breath. Here she went. About to ruin everything. "Kit," she whispered. "I'm not happy."

Kit recoiled slightly. "What do you mean?" he asked fearfully.

Olivia pulled her hand from his and buried her face. "I am not happy," she repeated. Tears began to full her eyes, just as she feared. "I haven't been happy for a long while. In fact, I have been experiencing such wicked, horrid jealousy for months."

To let out those words was oddly freeing, but to know she had put such a burden on Kit hurt her even worse. She dared not look at him. She was a coward, yet she kept going.

"I know it makes me a terrible person. I should be happy for you, and I am, I promise! But I had such plans for my life, such ambitions and dreams, you know this. I thought by helping you become elected it would help me in achieving my goal. But really all I have gained is an overwhelming wave of jealousy I feel towards you. I wish it were me shouting in parliament. I wish it were me with the power to introduce educational reform. I wish it were me that people would simply listen to. But it cannot be, and I need to comprehend this, I know." Olivia took a moment to breathe. Her voice was becoming hysterical with emotion. The cuffs of her dress were soaked in tears.

Kit had not placed a comforting arm around her. He was not touching her. Olivia wanted to have the courage to look at him but she couldn't.

"I do not want to be this person. I do not want to spend my days wasting time, waiting for you to finish in parliament. I want to be the little girl who steals books from her father's library to stock the school. I want to be the girl who takes money from her own dowry to pay for a teacher. Lord, I want to be arrested again and again knowing that I was fighting for what I believed in. I don't recognise myself anymore." Olivia gasped at that realisation. "I am not myself anymore."

Be brave, she willed herself. Olivia wiped her eyes with her cuffs and turned to look at Kit. He looked just as she felt. She could see the hurt in his eyes, the confusion and pain. His body was so tense and rigid. His lips were pressed firmly shut as he stared at her. She could see the redness in his eyes, as if his emotion was about to overcome him.

"I am not myself anymore," she told him softly. "My aunt told me that the jealousy would pass, and that you were the right choice for me. And I believed her. I believe her in the latter. I believe you are the right man for me, the only man, really, who would ever put up with me. But ..." Olivia's voice cracked. She could not believe that these words were coming out of her mouth. "I do not believe I am the right choice for you."

She watched as those words washed over Kit, hitting him just like a fist would. He blinked, once, twice, a third time, as he took in her words.

"Don't I get a say in this?" Kit asked after a moment of silence. His voice was thick with emotion, just like hers. Olivia could see the tears welling up in his eyes.

"Of course you do," replied Olivia. She willed him to change her mind. But she already knew it was made up.

Olivia watched as Kit suddenly dug into his pocket. His hand quickly emerged with a small ring. She gasped when she realised what it was. The ring, which was embellished with little green stones along the band, was beautiful, and it made Olivia hate herself even more than she already did.

"Do you know what this is?" he asked. "You are the right choice for me," he said determinedly. "I am right for you and you are right for me. I wish ... I wish you would have said something sooner. I wish I would have realised sooner. We could have figured it out together. Olivia, I only want to make you happy."

Olivia sobbed loudly. "But I cannot make you happy. How can you be happy with a miserable wife? I want more for my life than this bench." She slapped the stone she was sitting on. "And I want more for you than for you to be married to someone who is jealous of you."

"What is it you want then?" Kit's voice was not filled with anger fuelled hurt.

"I don't know yet. I haven't achieved it yet. But I know I want to. I want to seek it out. I want to pursue causes that I am passionate about. I want to wind up in a few more gaol cells!" she cried. "I know you are the right man for me, Kit. But I am not ready for you to be. And that is probably the most selfish thing I have ever said."

Kit nodded his head as he comprehended what she said. Olivia watched as he put the ring away. That hit her right in the stomach. It was a sudden realisation of her reality. This was it.

They both sat on the bench staring at one another. It was as if both of them were trying to memorise the other, to capture this moment and make sense of it. They loved it other, that was clear, but it was not that simple. Olivia knew that if they married she would wind up as one of those political wives that she and Kit had dined with in Hertford. She could help and advise him all she wanted at home, but that was not enough for her.

Olivia needed more. She was only nineteen years old, and she had a lot of fight left in her young body. "I am so sorry," she said after what felt like an age of silence.

"Don't apologise for being you, Olivia. I always thought you were extraordinary. You always told me you were going to change the world. If I have to let you go in order for you to do that then I will. I love you enough to do that."

Olivia loved Kit's kindness, but she knew he truly struggled to say those words.

The future was now ambiguous. Olivia had either made the best decision or the biggest mistake of her life. She leaned over and kissed Kit's cheek softly. She heard him suck in a breath as she did so. They both knew it was goodbye.

----

I knowwwww. I suck! That's not how I usually end a story of mine! But it's not the end, don't worry! This just had to happen.

Olivia has so much left to do. She's not ready to be a "we" yet. I have big plans for the following years in her life. Same for Kit. He's not done yet either.

And I say "years". They're going to be a bit older when they meet again! I'm excited to tell you what they get up to.

When I was in London I sat in front of the Houses of Parliament and I imagined this scene in my head. I was just thinking how long it took for a woman to have influence in that building. Women in the UK couldn't vote until 1918! Even then, they had to be over thirty, householders, married to householders, educated etc. But at the time I was there, there was a female PM.

Australia was the second country in the world to grant women the vote after New Zealand. That's always a trivia question by the way. New Zealand was the first, lock that away!

It took us a while, and we're not done yet.

Anyways, I hope you guys will be happy and proud of what my characters will get up to in the years following.

Vote and comment!!