"I don't see why a maid should take a husband when she's bold enough to fight her own battles." Thomas Hardy, Far From the Madding Crowd 

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Chapter Eighteen

Olivia had been home for two days when she awoke on the morning of the twenty-fifth. She had surprised her family, and had immediately been conscripted into helping with their charitable plans.

While Olivia would have much preferred to sit by a fire and pour her heart out to her aunt, taking baskets to families in their village who might not have been having a very merry Christmas was a lovely distraction.

It was still quite early. There was no light peeking in through the drapes and she could not yet hear the maids about the house. Olivia lit her lamp and walked over to her dressing table.

Olivia sat down in front of the mirror and proceeded to brush out her hair. It was knotty from sleeping, suggesting she had tossed and turned quite a bit. As she looked at herself, she could see that she was tired. There were shadows underneath her eyes, and she looked older.

Was this the punishment for jealousy? "Why am I like this?" Olivia asked herself forlornly. Why couldn't she be happy for Kit? Why couldn't she be content with her lot in life? Why was she cursed with such wicked envy?

Olivia thought back to how she was at eleven years old. Kit had found her stealing books from her father's library in order to stock the school room. She was so determined to educate the masses that she resorted to theft. But that was enough. She was helping and it was enough.

Why did it not feel like enough now?

Olivia was doing good on a much larger scale. Kit was more than likely to be elected soon! What good could he accomplish within the halls of Westminster!

And that was where she supposed the jealousy came from. Kit was the one making the achievements that Olivia had always wanted to. She was going to be left out, cast aside, dismissed and talked down to, just because she was a girl.

Olivia buried her head in her hands cursing herself. "Wicked, wicked girl."

"Now, now, that is an unkind word."

Olivia jumped. She had not heard her aunt enter her bedroom. Lorna was dressed only in her nightclothes, her red hair still fixed in rags, and she was carrying her lamp in her hands. Lorna set the lamp down on the dressing table and sat down next to Olivia on the bench seat. She placed a comforting hand on the small of Olivia's back.

"What is the matter, Olivia? You have looked distressed since you arrived."

"I am a terrible person, Aunt Lorna." Olivia promptly let out a loud sob as she revealed that truth.

Lorna hushed her. "That is simply not true," she refuted.

Olivia sniffed. "It is," she persisted. "I am wicked and envious and this horrid feeling has taken up residence in my stomach."

Lorna rubbed Olivia's back. "I don't believe you. Pray, tell me why."

Olivia let out another loud, unladylike sob. Her eyes welled up and she took a minute to compose herself. "All my life, people have told me no. My mother, my father, the law!" she stammered emotionally. "You can't do that, Olivia ... you cannot change things, Olivia ... you are just a girl, Olivia!" Olivia imitated. "I have tried so hard to enact change, to make life just a little bit better for those who are less fortunate than I."

"I know you have," Lorna said quietly.

"And then Kit entered my life and felt like I had met my equal. There are few men that I like, Aunt Lorna, and fewer still that I respect. I admire Kit, and I respect him. His heart is for others, for me, I know it. Kit cares for me in a way that no other man has before. He makes me feel valued, as though I have a place at his side. I like spending time with him. I like listening to him. I know I could be a good version of myself with him. He makes me feel heard." Olivia took a deep breath. "You cannot know what it is to feel heard after all these years. He hears me, and he takes my voice and shouts it to those who will listen only to him.

"And I liked it. I do like it." Olivia paused. "I thought I liked it." Olivia looked down, feeling ashamed. "I wish it were me doing the shouting. I wish it were me that people were listening to. I wish it were me that could achieve the level of success that Kit is about to receive. I do not want to be merely at his side. I am so jealous of him and I hate myself for it." Olivia turned to her aunt. "Don't you see? I am wicked!"

Lorna frowned sadly. "Olivia, you are far from wicked," she promised. "I know how many people have told you no over the years. I have had enough conversations with county magistrates to understand the figures. What I take from what you just said is that you have found an equal in Kit. Isn't that wonderful?"

"Of course it is wonderful," Olivia said tearfully. "But it is also horrible. I am watching him succeed in the life that I wanted for myself and it makes me jealous!"

"Olivia!" Lorna said firmly. "What you need to understand is that there are certain barriers that you cannot cross. It is life, unfortunately, and you may not like it but you have to get used to it! You will never be permitted into a university or parliament, but you have the ability to inform. You have a voice, and Kit has listened to you! That is wonderful!" Lorna cried. "You have a place at his side, that is what it will look like to those who do not know you, but if Kit respects you and listens to you as you say, he will lift you up to his height and give you the ability to spread your good heart as far as it can go." Lorna placed her hand on Olivia's cheek. "I understand your turmoil, but it will pass, I promise. I know you, Olivia, and I know you will never change to suit any man. You need to find yourself a partner who loves every revolutionary part of you, who can celebrate your voice and not silence it."

It will pass? Would it? Olivia hoped so. This feeling was festering inside her like a disease.

Olivia knew that Kit would love every part of her if she let him. She knew that she could love every part of him if she allowed herself to. There was a potential for happiness in that future if she chose it.

"Don't run, Olivia," Lorna admonished. "Make the right decision. I know you know what that is."

The right decision. Olivia nodded. Kit was the right decision for her. She knew it. These feelings would go away, like Aunt Lorna said.

Lorna kissed Olivia's forehead. "Come now. Papa will be rising soon. We are to exchange gifts."

Lorna left her and Olivia returned her eyes to her reflection. "Choose happiness, Olivia," she willed herself.

She was joined shortly after by a maid who helped her to dress and fixed her hair for the day. Once ready, Olivia journeyed down to her grandfather's den in order to take part in the gift exchange.

The room was toasty warm thanks to the crackling fire. Her grandfather was sitting in his chair like always, tea beside him, and a book in his hand. Lorna was sorting out cups for Olivia and herself.

When Bernard noticed that Olivia had joined them he put down his book and offered her a cheerful smile. "My dear, happy Christmas!"

Olivia kissed her grandfather's forehead. "Happy Christmas, Grandpapa," she replied warmly.

There was a small pile of parcels on the table in front of the settee. Once everyone was seated, Lorna began to hand them out.

She read the first label. "To Papa, from Colin and family." Lorna handed the parcel to Bernard who read the label himself.

"Oh, it's from Colin!" Bernard cried happily having not heard Lorna. "Such a shame they couldn't travel. Blasted weather. Such luck you were able to join us Olivia." Bernard unwrapped the gift from his son and made a satisfied noise when it was revealed to be an ivory pipe.

"What a gift for an old man, Colin," Lorna chastised her brother under her breath.

Olivia lifted up the next parcel and read the label:

To the loveliest woman I have ever laid eyes on. Season's Greetings. F. Kelly.

Olivia frowned. "F. Kelly?"

Lorna jumped and immediately snatched the parcel from Olivia's hands.

Olivia suddenly remembered the name of the last magistrate who had arrested her. The handsome Mr Kelly who had paid some scandalous attention to her aunt. Olivia was sure she had teased Lorna about it at the time. Was something going on?

"What is it?" asked Olivia curiously. "Is he your ...?"

"Hush now, Olivia, not in front of Papa. It would break his heart." Lorna stuffed the gift behind her and quickly moved on to the next present in the pile.

It was then that Olivia realised just how much her aunt cared for her grandfather and how much her grandfather relied upon Lorna. Was Lorna not allowed to be happy while Bernard was alive?

Olivia was lucky. Selfishly so. She could do whatever she please ... within reason.

"This is from me, for you, Olivia." Lorna smiled as she handed the next parcel to Olivia.

"No, I will not be kept in a drawing room in my own house!" cried a voice from in the hall.

The hair suddenly stood up on the back of Olivia's neck. She knew that critical, loathsome tone anywhere.

"Mama," she whispered.

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Who has seen the new Poldark and who is counting down the house until the next episode??? Ahhhh, I'm so glad it's back. It airs here on Saturday night but I couldn't wait. I had to watch it online. We've got it set to record so don't tell my mum I watched it without her shhh ;) 

Speaking of, I got my mum into Gilmore Girls. It's really hard getting my mum to watch long series because she always complains that we never finish them. I got her to watch 5 seasons of The Vampire Diaries and she never finished it. We got 8 seasons into One Tree Hill which was a good effort for her but she never finished that either. She prefers mini-series' where you watch the four episodes and it's done. But she's crazy into Gilmore Girls! We're on season 4 at the moment and Jason has just come into it and I told her that he and Lorelai are together for a bit and she's like "But he's completely not her type. He's so wimpy and pathetic. Are you sure this is the season when Luke and Lorelai get together?" My mum is now so close to Lorelai Gilmore that she knows her taste in men don't you know hahahaha

I think the next thing I'll get her into is Suits. I love Suits. We only have up to season 6 on Netflix so I'm waiting for Season 7 to be on there to keep watching it. 

But Happy Tuesday everyone! And Happy Six More Sleeps Until New Poldark Day as well ;) hehehehe at least I make myself laugh. 

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