"You can only be jealous of someone who has something you think you ought to have yourself." Margaret Atwood, The Handmaid's Tale

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Chapter Sixteen

Olivia felt a considerable weight lift off of her shoulders having told Kit about her childhood. She meant every word. She knew she was not the easiest child. She knew that her mother would have adored to have a little girl who liked being measured for dresses, who enjoyed shopping for hats and husbands, and who simply did as she was told.

But that was not who she was, and perhaps naively, she had always presumed her parents would be there. They had never shown her an ounce of support for her interests, nor given her praise or even great affection, but they were still her parents, the only ones she had, and she loved them. Was it really such a high price to ask that they love her too?

Apparently so.

Olivia liked that she had been able to share the pain she had experienced with Kit. She felt as though he understood her properly, and could grasp where her ambitions had come from, and why she behaved the way she did. She was also quietly glad that his feelings towards her had not seemed to change. He still held her in high esteem, and he still watched her and gazed at her with the same admiration that he has since shortly after they had met for the second time ... or perhaps even the first time, when they were children.

Part of Olivia enjoyed his attentions. She adored his attentions. They made her feel accepted for the first time in her life. That feeling was addicting. It drew her to Kit in a way she had never been drawn to anybody in her life.

But the other part of Olivia, the rational, progressive part of Olivia, resisted these attentions. She knew there was only one way in which such attentions could end. Olivia's reputation, not that she cared, but she knew Kit did, was tarnishing by the day. A gentleman like Kit would only allow their expedition to end in one way.

Marriage. Of course, they had not discussed it, and every time their conversations turned remotely towards the subject of feelings Olivia immediately diverted it. Marriage meant being a wife, and Olivia had no desire for such a life.

She only had to look at her mother for an example of what life she did not want. Ruth's concerns centred on her own position in society, her husband's career advancement, ordering around servants, possessing the latest fashions, village gossip, and once, they centred on raising her daughter to be exactly like her.

Olivia had more desire to remove her own toenails then to end up like that.

But still, that feeling of acceptance was addicting, and it almost made her want to forget her objections for a while.

But another feeling started to brew in Olivia's heart in the following weeks. A feeling that was not so kind.

Kit's popularity had reached parliament come November. The weather was changing, but Kit's momentum was only increasing. Lawrence Powell's character attacks were futile at this point. The wealthy were attracted to Kit's ability to negotiate, but the Tories in London were attracted to Kit's youth and energy. So much so that he was starting to receive invitations from powerful people in the party. He was invited to attend dinners, to attend gentleman clubs and smoking parties.

But there was only ever one invitation. Olivia was not welcome. And so an evil feeling started to stew.

Jealousy.

In between invitations, Kit still campaigned as normal. He and Olivia still spent time in Hertford and the surrounding villages, conversing with people who had concerns. Kit toured the schools and the surveyed the working conditions, and Olivia collected the female perspective, and spoke to girls and mothers, all of whom were excited at the possibility of better opportunities at the school.

But this feeling of jealousy was festering, and Olivia hated it. She hated herself for feeling this way, and she felt terribly for Kit who was feeling excited at his potential election in December.

Olivia was not resentful of Kit, only jealous of his ability to find success. For how long had she been shouting such reform from the rooftops? Years! And each time she had somehow found her way to a magistrate's office. In only a short time, Kit had found his way in with the most powerful men in London, shouting the same reform. Olivia was beginning to feel quite powerless, and coupled with her jealousy, it was not a nice constitution to have.

Her smile must have been convincing, as Kit did not seem to notice her internal struggles, nor did she want him to. Olivia did not want Kit to know she was feeling such selfish evils.

"Did you hear?" asked Kit as he sat down to breakfast with Olivia on the morning of December nineteenth. The election was mere days away.

"Hear what?" asked Olivia as she cracked open her boiled egg with the back of her spoon.

"The snow is so bad in the north of the county that the election has been delayed," he remarked in frustration. "They have settled on the tenth of January as the date, to allow the men enough time to clear the snow to allow access to the voting stations." Kit held in his hand a letter that clearly contained the news.

"Oh dear," replied Olivia, setting down her spoon. "Well, I suppose that is the risk they take when they schedule an election in the winter."

Kit nodded. "I ought to organise some relief," he decided. "If the snow is so bad there could be limited access to food and such, especially with Christmas only days away. What do you think?"

Olivia smiled. She knew such kindness would be welcome. Kit was blessed with such a generous heart. It made Olivia hate herself even more for her jealousy. "I think that is a fine idea."

Kit started to share ideas of what he wanted to collect. Olivia listened but her thoughts soon went elsewhere. They had both been away from home for nearly four months. Olivia had been experiencing her hateful emotions for nearly half that time. It was exhausting. Perhaps this delay was a blessing in disguise.

Olivia could not tell Kit about how she was feeling as it was unfair to him, but she could tell her Aunt Lorna. She had not wanted to write about her jealousy to her aunt, as she did not want Lorna to think ill of her, but after nearly eight weeks of exhaustive bitterness, perhaps it was time.

"I think I might go home for Christmas," Olivia announced.

Kit looked at her, astonished. "What?"

"We have been away for nearly four months," continued Olivia. "I think we both ought to go home to see our families now that the election is delayed."

Kit recoiled at the idea. "No, no, I don't think that would be a good idea." Kit had been sporadically communicating with his mother, but he had received no news of his father, and no letter from his father directly. Olivia knew this resistance came from a place of guilt. Kit's emotions were far easier for her to read than it was for him to read her own. "No, I should stay here and render assistance where it is needed. Besides, the snow is terrible. It is not safe to travel."

"I will instruct the driver to go around it," Olivia replied. "I want to see my aunt and my grandfather."

"Olivia, is everything alright?" asked Kit.

Olivia smiled reassuringly, just as she had been all this time to disguise her horrid feelings. "Perfectly," she lied.

Kit seemed to believe her. "You know I care about your wellbeing," he said sincerely. "Very much." Kit reached across the table and took her hand.

Olivia enjoyed the comfort. "I know." Would he still care if he knew how Olivia was really feeling? She looked into his kind, green eyes and saw the genuine regard that he had for her. The feeling of acceptance settled her for a moment, before that overwhelming, envious beast inside of her reared its ugly head.

It was in this moment, and in a few random others, that she wished she was not so ... Olivia-like. How simple it would be to allow herself to love Kit, and to support him in his career. She was certain that Kit would be receptive to that idea. With the way that he was looking at her, she could see the affection and admiration there.

But it could not be. To allow that future would be to deny her very being. The only thing that she could do was try to eliminate this hateful jealousy, and she hoped her aunt would be able to help her with that.

"I want to go home," Olivia said again. "I will return before the election, I promise."

Kit seemed to accept it. "I will organise your travel then," he said, "and instruct the driver to be careful what with the weather."

"What will you do?" she asked.

"I have had several invitations, but I am minded to only accept one. Edward has invited me to the palace for Christmas. He has extended this invitation to you as well, if I can persuade you to stay."

The offer was tempting, but Olivia knew where she needed to be. "No, I cannot. But I am glad he has asked you."

"I have not heard from him at all for the last few months until I received his invitation. I would wager his father was not at all happy on his plans to quit his Cambridge education," mused Kit. His expression changed. "I suppose I can relate to that."

"Would you like to take a message to your family? Even just a few lines?"

Kit smiled and shook his head. "No, I would imagine that would only make my father angrier. I have not heard a word from him in all this time. He has no desire to hear from me."

Olivia could not believe that to be true but she did not press the issue. "I suppose I ought to pack." She stood up from the table and removed her hand from Kit's.

"I will arrange transport for you."

"Thank you," she replied.

As she walked away, Kit called to her, "Olivia!"

Olivia turned.

"I will miss you, you know. I wish you would stay."

"I will miss you, as well," she said sincerely. But how much she had to conceal. She hoped that when she returned she could look upon his successes with pride instead of envy. Kit could not think well of her when she felt as she did, and Olivia wanted Kit to think well of her. Few people thought well of her, after all.

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Hope you enjoyed! Sorry this is a little bit later than usual. Have had a very busy time at work. 

I'm excited to introduce some new characters soon, as well as revisit some old ones. And I'm really excited to write the ending to this story. It's not like an ending that I would usually write. It's different, as I want them to have more than the conventional ending of the time. I'm excited. I hope you all are :) 

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