"Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn't worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens." Louise L. Hay, You Can Heal Your Life

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Chapter Fifteen

They had been in the carriage for near three hours. Kit would have been anxious to stretch his legs and regain feeling in his buttocks were he not so excited to arrive at their destination. He wanted to surprise Olivia. He wanted to thank her.

And, if he were being honest, he wanted to set in motion the notion of courtship. Where on earth was he ever going to meet a girl like Olivia? There were none so intelligent or passionate, and hardly any as pretty as she was.

The idea had never been settled, not really. But how could it not be on both of their minds? It seemed to be on everyone else's. It angered him greatly whenever he heard unkind whispers about Olivia's role within Kit's camp.

Kit was attracted by Olivia's character and countenance, but he would be lying if he said that he was not more so by her appearance. And she looked especially beautiful tonight. She was wearing the same red dress that she had been wearing at the Hadley's the other night. He liked that dress, and thought it suited her well. Red was her colour.

Twice they had nearly kissed and each time Olivia had displayed such hesitation. Kit wanted to quell all thoughts of hesitation and encourage her affection.

"Where on earth are you taking me?" Olivia demanded to know playfully. It was now dark out. She could not tell where they were by the appearances of the towns they travelled through.

"You shall see," he replied coyly. "I wrote to my mother today," he informed her, knowing the subject would distract Olivia.

It succeeded. Olivia's eyes widened and warmed as she smiled with pride. "You did?"

Olivia had informed him after having left the Hadley's that her Aunt Lorna had included news of his mother in her letter. Kit had immediately felt a pang of guilt for having left her without even word of his safe arrival in Hertford.

No matter his quarrel with his father, Kit owed his dear mother a letter. Having just defended her honour in the Hadley's dining room, Kit was fresh with regard for her and sat down to pen a letter to her earlier that afternoon.

Kit had been quite at a loss at what to say to her except for that he was safe and well, and that he thought of them often. It was the truth. Kit often thought of his family. He missed his sisters dearly. After having been away at Cambridge for so long, spending merely the summer with them had not been enough to satisfy his need to spend time with them. Kit even missed his father. Of course Kit missed Cassian, but he could not bring himself to ask after him. He could only pray that his father had recovered well from his surgery and was back working.

After all, Cassian has not been the one to inquire after him. Father and son were both as stubborn as the other.

"I forget how our mother's worry," he said thoughtlessly.

Olivia's face dropped ever so slightly, and Kit knew immediately that he had said the wrong thing. She had said once that she would tell him of her mother in time. He hoped tonight would be the night.

Olivia quickly composed herself, and returned to playfully questioning him about their destination.

The lights of London soon betrayed him. The carriage took them to the eastern end of the Strand, to the Groves Restaurant. Kit was not one for fine dining, but he was told that for a guinea, one could receive one of the best meals in London at this establishment.

Olivia looked out the window in shock. She then turned around and asked, "Are we eating here?"

"Yes," confirmed Kit.

"But ... it is so ..." Kit could tell that Olivia did not want to utter the word expensive. Perhaps she thought it rude to question the amount money in his purse.

"Do not worry," he assured her. Kit did not have expensive tastes. He had not spent any money aside from food and board whilst in Hertford. He could afford to take Olivia out for a fine dinner.

They exited the carriage and were welcomed by the restaurant staff. Their coats were taken and the maître d' seated them at a fine, yet secluded, table in the corner of the restaurant. The restaurant was not large, but it was fine, with twenty or so tables all set out elegantly. The restaurant was about half filled with couples and parties all sitting down to eat delicious smelling food. A string quartet played soft music in the far corner of the room.

Their table was laid out with a white cloth, crystal glassware, with fine white china and silverware. Kit beat the maître d' to pulling out Olivia's chair. Kit obliged him their napkins. A waiter soon attending them with champagne, before he recited them their menu for the evening.

"Good evening, sir, madam," he greeted. "Tonight you will enjoy a cream of artichoke soup to start, followed by a sirloin beef served with carrots, a spectacular chicken fricassee, new potatoes, bread and cream butter, and you will finish with a Madeira cake with refreshment."

Kit had not had such a meal ... ever. Faith always ensured that they ate well at home, but she managed the kitchen with economy, and never over-ordered on meat.

"Excellent," murmured Kit casually, containing his excitement. The waiter departed and Kit raised his glass to Olivia. "I wanted to thank you for everything you have done for me these past weeks, Olivia," Kit said gratefully. "I would not be here without you. Your kindness, your sense, and your belief in me has utterly changed my life for the better."

Olivia's cheeks warmed as she clinked her glass with Kit's. "You did not have to buy me such a fancy dinner in order to thank me, you know," she informed him.

Kit feigned shock as he tasted his champagne. "Oh, you thought that I was footing the bill?"

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Do not tease me. I will wash dishes in the kitchen if it means I get to enjoy such a menu."

"So would I," replied Kit in agreeance. "I am sorry about before," said Kit, deciding to address his gaff in the carriage. "What I said about mothers. It was careless." He was not so altruistically encouraging Olivia to confide him.

Olivia took another sip from her champagne glass. "No, do not be sorry." She sighed. "I suppose my experience with my mother has left me rather ... raw." Olivia smoothed out the napkin on her lap as she took a deep breath. "You knew me as a child. I was not so different than I am now, but I was not an easy child."

Kit very well recalled their one meeting as children.

"I was all my parents had. My mother could not have any more children. I was ... am their only child. My mother devoted herself to bringing me up the way she thought I should be, and I resented her terribly for it. I hated etiquette lessons. I did not see the sense in learning French or Latin, and what use did I have for needlework? I saw it as my mother bringing me up to be like her, and when I looked at my mother, she was the epitome of what I did not want to be."

At that moment, their waiter returned with their soup and placed the bowls in front of them, however, Kit was too engrossed in Olivia's story to eat.

"My father is a clergyman, and I think he always resented me for not being a son. This only fuelled my determination to not be a perfect little girl. I was not allowed to read popular books, so they were exactly what I sought out to find. And it was after procuring Declaration of the Rights of Woman and of the Female Citizen that I started to understand the true divide between myself and those classed lower than I was." Olivia lifted her soup spoon to her mouth and made a sound of satisfaction. "This is really excellent, you should eat," she encouraged.

"I will," he promised. "Go on," he prompted.

"I would do things like give away my possessions to people who needed them more than I did," continued Olivia. "It infuriated my mother," she recalled. "I would question my father constantly. His sermons were always so harsh. He had an idea of what should be, and I did not agree. I was not allowed to attend church after I openly questioned him during a sermon on a Sunday. I received a thrashing and was forced to pray and read my Bible every Sunday from then on.

"And yet I was not deterred. My education continued, even though I did not care for the subjects. What had I done, save for being born into a privileged family, to deserve such attention to my studies? My village did not even have a school. Children could not educated by illiterate parents. How was it fair? I raided my father's library and paid for a teacher myself, thirty pounds was taken from my dowry to pay her. That was when we met, you recall?

"The world, as I saw it, was not as good as it could be. I endeavoured, and still do, to change it for the better. Of course, my determination to create change only increased, as did my willingness to find myself in trouble. I was arrested more times than I care to admit. My reputation did not matter to me. That was my mother's to worry about. My parents were embarrassed by me and I did not care. They quickly became ashamed of me, and I did not quite understand the effect that would have on me at the time.

"The final straw was when I was fifteen. I had been arrested one too many times for my mother's liking. She no longer cared to collect me from gaols and they subsequently disowned me.

"That is something I do not think we understand as children. We always assume that our parents will always put up with us because we are their children. But sometimes they don't. Mine did not. My parents rejected me, they rejected my very being, everything that I held dear, and it tore a significant hole in my heart. They dismissed me, their only child, and sent me to be my Aunt Lorna's problem. I have not heard from them since."

Olivia spoke with such maturity, yet Kit could hear the level of emotion and sadness that was still in her voice as she spoke of her parents' rejection.

"I have always said that unkind words do not affect me, and that is the truth. I have been called every wicked name under the sun, but rejection is another thing altogether, and rejection by one's own parents is something completely unimaginable. It was as though my very identity was disgusting to them."

Kit could see ghosts in Olivia's blue eyes. To see her so hurt by her parents made him feel frustratingly powerless. How could these people reject their own daughter? Olivia was right. Parents were supposed to love their children, no matter their feelings towards their actions.

Kit immediately thought of his father. Kit knew that he had hurt his father when he had left Derbyshire, but he knew that Cassian loved him. Parents loved their children, even when they did not like them.

"Hang them," said Kit exasperatedly. "Do not let such people haunt you so."

"Don't say that," replied Olivia quietly.

He was taken aback. "Why ever not?" asked Kit.

"Because they are my parents," she replied simply. "They may not be as kind or as loving as your parents, but they are the only parents I have, and no matter how they regard me, there will always be a part of myself that craves their love, and their approval. I suppose I am just a girl in that way. I am a daughter without parents who care about her. I know I am not the easiest person to love, but I do crave that sometimes, to be loved."

Kit was completely bewildered at the conclusion of her speech. She had engaged his attention for a quarter of an hour, detailing the woes of her childhood and the emotional cruelty of her parents, and yet, after all she had endured, all she wanted was to be loved.

But Kit knew they were not the right people to love her. They could not provide her with the type of love she deserved. Kit could do that. In that very moment, Kit made a promise to himself that he would love this woman for as long as she would let him, and in the way that made her feel whole again. And Kit would let Olivia in on this promise just as soon as she was ready to hear it.

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I have had this chapter planned since the 27th of October, 2017. Do you know how I know that? Because I got the idea for this chapter at work, and I literally took my phone out and voice recorded it and I've had it saved in my phone since.

I even said it in their accents *blushes in embarassment* hahaha. Gotta say though, I don't think my British accent is all that bad. 

 But I hope you enjoyed this chapter! 

Fun story! A new girl started at my work this week. She came in, and she has the most beautiful red hair and such crystal blue eyes. I'm immediately envious because my eyes are blue, but dull, and my hair is this weird mousy dark blonde colour (is anyone ever happy with their own appearance?) ANYWAY, she then introduces herself and tells me her name. 

Can you guess what it was? 

OLIVIA!!!!!!

Hahahaha took everything I had not to say OMGGGG YOU LOOK EXACTLY LIKE MY OLIVIA!! 

I did so much research for this chapter on the bloody food and restaurant and in the end I didn't let them finish their meals hahaha. But when I went to name the restaurant, Maddie Groves had just won her semi in the 50m butterfly so I named it after her. 

Is anyone else watching the Commonwealth Games? For those of you who aren't in the Commonwealth, we have a games much like the Olympics every four years and my Aussies are DOMINATING!! I really didn't enjoy the Winter Olympics this year, not only because as we are a hot country we don't always perform that well, but also because the sports I want to see aren't televised in favour of Aussies performing. I love the figure skating, but God forbid there is an Aussie doing curling and we'll be watching that haha. 

You think Americans are patriotic? You should watch the Aussie telecast of any sporting event. If ever these is an Australian competing, a message pops up your TV that says "Aussie Alert" and you'll go from watching the gymnastics (which I love) to lawn bowls.

However, I am loving watching the Aussies perform well. I love watching our swimmers do well. 

Anyways, have to leave it here. My brother needs me to go and get him from a party. 

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