but i feel something
when i see you now

icu, phoebe bridgers

chapter six

✦  ✦  ✦  ✦
━━━━━

"CAS, IT'S been days."

"I know that, Dean. There's not much more I can do."

It's been a while since she's dreamed about Dean. Since before she was taken– before Dean took on Michael. Not even once in the entire time Dean was missing.

But now he's back, they're both back, and it's all she sees. She can't stop dreaming about his eyes. She doesn't know why it took her so long to figure out what it was, not until that moment in the motel all those weeks ago. When he grabbed her wrist and begged her to let him in. That's when she realized she was dreaming about him.

It'd be easier if she wasn't. With everything going on, everything they're dealing with, it'd be so much easier if she could stop thinking about him. Yet, she's not even free of him in her dreams. She can't stop seeing his forest eyes, gazing at her, smile evident. She doesn't see him smile enough.

When she wakes, she doesn't open her eyes right away. The light hurts her head, and she can hear voices around the room.

"Just be patient. She needs time to heal." She recognizes Castiel's deep grating voice.

"I'm trying, Cas, believe me." Dean's is closer to her, as if he's sitting right next to her.

She hears the sound of footsteps, then the door squealing shut. She finally opens her eyes, blinking rapidly to adjust to the light. Then she turns her head, spotting Dean sitting at her bedside with a drink in hand. His eyes are closed, leaning his head against his hand.

She licks her lips and clears her throat. "You look like hell."

His eyes shoot open and he meets her gaze. She grins at him softly.

"Hey."

"Uh...how are you feeling?" He sits up straighter and pulls his chair closer. She slowly pushes herself up to a sitting position.

"Like I got hit by a train. You?"

He chuckles gently. "About the same."

"How long have I been out?"

"A couple days." He leans over to the side table, grabbing a glass of water and some pills. "Here," He drops them into her hand.

"Thanks."

He nods with a tight smile. He takes the glass back when she's finished.

"So, how is everyone? How's Jack?"

"He's...well, he's worried. But he'll be alright."

She nods, turning her gaze away. Guilt swarms her chest. Jack was probably scared out of his mind, and after everything he's gone through...he didn't deserve that.

"Hey, Mack?" She turns her head, facing him. She can tell just by the look on his face what he's about to say. "I–"

"Don't, Dean. If you're about to start apologizing for what he did to me, don't. It wasn't your fault."

He closes his mouth, taken aback by her interruption. "Uh...I just...I'm just glad you're alright."

She grins at his statement. "Same goes for you."

He grins back.

✦ ✦

WHEN SHE leaves the infirmary, it takes her a long time to actually get back to her room. She keeps getting stopped by people, hugging her and saying they're glad she's back. She greets all of them with the same smile and grateful words despite how much she just wants to get to her room. Once she finally does, she goes to shower and change into warm clothes. The bunker seems colder than normal, at least colder than what she was used to.

A knock sounds on her door, and she answers to reveal Jack. A smile grows on her face.

"Hey, kid."

He returns his own teary-eyed grin, throwing his arms around her. "I'm so glad you're okay."

"Don't worry about me, I'm alright."

He nestles his face into her shoulder, dropping his voice to a whisper. "I was so scared."

She closes her eyes as that feeling swarms in her chest again. That guilt. God, she should've been more careful.

They pull away as another knock echoes through the room. It's Dean.

"Hey, uh...there's a thing, in Sioux Falls. We're about to head out."

"What thing?"

He glances between the two of them, then sighs. "It's a Michael thing. Maybe."

She nods. "Meet in the garage?"

Dean nods.

"Wait, you're leaving?" Jack says. "You just got back."

"I know, but–"

"Let me come," he tries.

"Absolutely not," Dean says.

"Why not? Because I'm human now? Michael's my enemy too."

"Yeah, no, not happening. Sorry, kid."

Mack clears her throat, meeting Dean's eyes. "Give us a minute."

He sighs, and she pretends she doesn't see him roll his eyes as he pulls the door shut behind him.

"Jack, it's not because of you. We don't know what we're walking into here, and we just want to protect you."

"I didn't need protecting before."

"Just sit this one out, okay?"

"Promise me you'll be careful."

"You worry too much, kid. I'll be fine."

"You were missing for a week and then slept for three days. I think it's the default emotion for me now."

"I promise I will be careful. Okay?"

He nods, and they share another hug before she leaves.

✦ ✦

SHE'S GIVEN the rundown on the drive– Dean's scar, Kaia, her killer, the Bad Place, Jody Mills. Michael's involved with Kaia's killer somehow, and whatever it was, it's still happening in Sioux Falls.

It's dark when they arrive. The woman presumed as Jody stands near her car, grinning as they pull up. She greets the boys as they get out, hugging them both and catching up with each other. Mack stands off to the side awkwardly, until she clears her throat.

Dean steps to the side and starts introducing her. "Jody, this is Mack. She's from Apocalypse world, she was sort of a leader, holding down the fort over there. And, y'know, she's a badass."

She gives Dean a weird look. "Is that really what you call it?"

"Well, you get offended when I call it a shithole, so."

She rolls her eyes and steps forward, shaking Jody's hand. "It's great to meet you. I've heard a lot about you."

Jody grins at her. "Likewise."

Jody pulls out a map and flattens it against the hood of the car. "Okay, so, these are the locations of the three bodies we found." She points to three marked spots. "Headless, by the way."

"Human?" Sam asks.

"As far as I could tell, yeah. Until I talked to you, I thought we were hunting a human, maybe a serial killer. It'd be the first one in Sioux Falls since–"

"Since Robert Leroy Anderson," Sam finishes. All eyes turn to him. He clears his throat awkwardly and turns away.

"Yeah. Yeah, uh, so– anyways, I figured this area between the crime scenes would be the best place to start looking."

"Should we wait till daybreak?"

"Why?" Dean asks. "No, let's go." He takes off without waiting for a response.

Mack sighs and chases after him.

✦ ✦

THEY WALK for a long time, mostly in silence. Long enough for the sun to rise. Dean leads, with Mack close behind, and Jody and Sam behind her.

"We'd make better time if we split up," Dean announces out of nowhere.

Mack tenses. "No."

"Dean, we'd be safer if we stick together," Sam backs her up.

He turns, looking at Sam, then Mack. His gaze softens slightly as he notices how tense she is, realizing how his suggestion probably made her feel. He sighs, facing the front again.

"Fine."

Mack stays close behind him. They both slow to a stop as they come to a sort of clearing in the woods.

"Well, that's disgusting," Mack says, looking at the three separate decapitated heads, stuck on wood posts.

"Holy mother..." Jody and Sam come up next to them.

"Vampires," Dean says after checking the head in the middle.

Both Dean and Mack move further forward. Dean drops his bag and gets low, examining the recently used firepit.

Then it comes out of nowhere– the cloaked person with a spear tripping Mack and throwing her aside. She lands hard on the ground, groaning. Pain floods through her– it wouldn't be as bad if she wasn't already sore.

Despite it, she pushes herself up, watching as the rest of the group fights. She doesn't get a chance to jump back in before the thing throws the spear and takes off running.

Mack goes over and helps Jody up as the other two get to their feet.

"It looked just like..." Jody trails off, her face a mix between confusion and shock.

"Kaia," Sam says.

"You saw her die over there, right?" Jody says, directing her question to Sam.

"Yes, absolutely."

"Then what's happening?"

"All I know is it dressed the same and it moved the same as the thing that killed Kaia," Dean says.

"So, what, your friend was killed by her interdimensional body double?" Mack questions.

"Let's find her and ask."

✦ ✦

MACK FOLLOWS behind Dean closely, but not too close. She doesn't want to seem clingy, but she's scared he'll run off if she lets him stray too far. She's worried about him, and she knows he knows it.

"Dean," She says. He ignores her and keeps walking. She rolls her eyes. "Dean."

He stops and suddenly faces her, causing her to almost bump into him. "If you're about to ask if I'm okay, you don't have to."

"Are you?"

"I'm fine."

He turns to keep walking.

"I don't believe you," she says, following after him.

"Then why bother asking?"

"Is it a crime to care about someone?"

His steps falter at her words, though he doesn't stop. "You don't even know me."

Now it's her turn. She stops at his words. He doesn't look back.

✦ ✦

THE FOUR of them stand together as Dark Kaia starts to wake, bound to a chair. Dean had managed to find her, knock her out, and tie her up

"What are you?" Jody asks.

"If you're asking if I'm the girl you knew, I'm not."

"Then what?" Sam asks. "You're from over there, yeah?"

"You know I am."

"So you're Kaia's double, huh?" says Dean. "Like Bobby."

"Or Jack," Mack says offhandedly, not expecting anyone to hear.

"Wait, what?" Sam questions.

She shakes her head. "Later."

"Why did you kill Kaia?" Jody demands.

"That was an accident," Dark Kaia shoots back. "I was aiming for the blonde."

Jody tenses next to Mack. A heavy silence falls over the room, and Sam quickly breaks it.

"All right, how'd you cross over? How'd you open a rift?"

Dark Kaia simply looks away, not entertaining the oncoming interrogation.

"Okay, why are you here?"

"You mean right here?" She nods to Dean. "'Cause of him."

"Yeah, not him," Dean says. "Not Michael. Not anymore."

"I know. You're much weaker."

Dean moves a few steps forward. "You're still scared."

She stares up at him, refusing to break his glare. "Not of you. Of them– the monsters he sends after me. Every time I slow down, there's more. There's always more."

"Why does he send them after you?" Mack questions.

Kaia glances at her, looking her up and down. "You. You're like me, aren't you?"

"I'm nothing like you," Mack shoots back.

"New blood. Different energy. You're not from here, are you? But you're not from my world. You're from somewhere else. Like Michael."

Mack says nothing, turning away.

"Guys, we should move this," Jody says. "Take her to the station just to be safe."

"No. We need to break her, right here, right now," Dean says.

Everyone's shocked at his words, especially Mack. The look in his eyes reminds her, just for a second, of Michael. She regrets the comparison as soon as it pops into her head.

"Break her?" Sam questions. "What do you mean, break her?"

"He wants to know where I hid my weapon," Kaia says. "That's what this is all about."

"Dean, you're gonna hurt her? Torture her?" Jody asks.

"That pig-sticker she's hiding, it's the only thing we know that can hurt Michael. I'm gonna do whatever it takes."

"Dean..." Mack says. He barely glances at her before turning back to Kaia. She shakes her head slightly and sighs.

He kicks the chair, sending it hurtling into the wall. Then he grabs her by the front of her coat.

"Where's the spear? Where?" He raises his voice, getting in her face. Mack can see her smile.

"You're no different than him. Threats, violence, anything to get what you want."

"I am nothing like him," Dean's voice strains only slightly.

"Yeah, you are. You always have been. I saw what you did to her, when you got angry. You shoved your gun in her face."

Dean lets her go, backing up a few steps as he straightens. "How do you know about that?"

"Wait, you're a dreamwalker too," Sam says. "Your powers, they connected you."

"Our whole lives. What she saw, I saw." She looks up at Dean again. "I know where it comes from– your anger, your impatience. It's kinda funny, she's the same as you." She glances at Mack for a second. "Except hers is different. Hers is guilt, but yours? Yours is fear. You're scared."

Mack doesn't like this girl. She doesn't like how she keeps analyzing her, and it makes her uncomfortable how right she is.

"Michael hurt you," she continues. "He hurt me, too."

She starts to describe a scene, of when Michael came to see her, and when they fought. Dean's visibly uncomfortable.

"Okay, enough," Mack says.

"You remember now?"

"So Michael wants the spear because he knows it can hurt him. That's why he sends his monsters," Sam says. "Dean, we should get out of here."

"Uh, guys? Kinda too late," Jody says, pulling a curtain aside to reveal three men approaching the house, fangs bared and all.

"Shit," Mack mumbles. Her body still aches from earlier. She's starting to suspect she'll never be able to rest long enough for her body to fully heal.

The door shoots open, and the werewolves step through.

The fighting starts in a blur. One of them goes straight for Mack, tackling her to the ground. She manages to throw him off, scrambling to her feet. She kicks him, sending him back to the ground. He recovers quickly, jumping to his feet.

She knows she's weaker than normal, but that doesn't stop her from throwing her all into this fight. She punches and dodges, almost loving the rhythm when she has the upper hand.

Then he suddenly shoves her into the wall, tightly gripping her hair and slamming her head into the wall. She crumples to the ground, her vision blurred. She fights the unconsciousness creeping in as she pushes herself up onto her knees.

The wolf grabs her by the throat, pulling her up as he squeezes. She hears a loud snap, followed by the sound of Jody screaming. She tries to fight him off, failing miserably as she gasps for air.

Then he's yanked away from her and she slides to the ground, coughing and trying to catch her breath. She doesn't know what happens in the next few seconds, but by the time her vision clears and she can breathe properly, the wolves are all dead, Kaia's gone, and Dean's coming over to check on her.

"You good?" He asks, holding out a hand. She simply nods and takes it, pulling herself up.

Then, before she knows it, it's dark outside and they're back at the Impala saying goodbye to Jody. The three of them climb into the car together, beat up and exhausted. Mack lays in the backseat, wishing for sleep to take her.

Except, it doesn't. Despite the throbbing in her head and her overarching tiredness, she doesn't fall asleep. The Winchesters seem to think she did, so she doesn't move. Even when they start having a wildly personal conversation that she probably wasn't supposed to hear.

Her heart nearly stops when Dean says, "I don't remember most of what Michael did with me, because I was underwater, drowning. And that, I remember."

She remembers it, too. She saw it, and there was nothing she could've done. Even now, there's nothing she can do. She can't take that pain away from Dean, no matter how hard she tries.

✦ ✦

WHEN THEY return to the bunker, Dean goes straight to his room. It takes everything in Mack not to follow, instead going to Jack's. She knocks on the door, waiting a few seconds until he opens it. There's immediately a smile on his face at the sight of her.

"You're back!"

She grins widely. "Hey, kid."

He moves aside to let her in, and she follows him in. He sits on the bed, a smile still on his face.

"Castiel told me what you did today, helping that girl. I'm really proud of you."

"Really?"

She nods, sitting next to him. "You're doing great. And, if you want, I can talk to Dean and Sam about letting you come on more cases. We could use you."

"You'd do that?"

She nods again.

"Thank you."

"No problem, kid."

He starts to cough into his arm.

"You alright?"

He nods, clearing his throat. "I'm human now, must be getting my first cold."

"Well, then, you should get some rest." She stands from the bed, ruffling his hair as she goes. "Let me know if you need anything, all right?"

He nods. "I will. Goodnight."

"'Night." She pulls the door closed behind her.

❪ ☆ ❫

MACK GOES to Dean's room before she can talk herself out of it. She waits outside the door for a few minutes, gathering the courage to knock. Then she does, and she waits, not really knowing why she's so nervous.

He opens the door, dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt, hair messy. "Oh, hey."

"Shit, did I wake you up?"

"No, no, it's fine. Everything alright?"

"Yeah...um, can we talk?"

"Uh, sure." He steps aside to let her in. She looks around, taking in the space. She's never been in his room before. It has touches of him everywhere, guns hung on the wall and clothes strewn. His music and his record player. It's almost comforting.

"What's up?" He asks. She'd almost forgotten she was there to talk to him.

"Right. Uh..." She clears her throat. "I heard your conversation with Sam. I didn't mean to listen in, but I couldn't exactly sleep."

"You heard all that?" He sits on the edge of the bed.

"Dean...it's not your fault. Michael being out there. It's not."

He doesn't look at her, shaking his head with a defeated chuckle. "Mack, you don't have to say all this just to make me feel better. I'm okay."

"I'm not saying it to make you feel better, I'm saying it because it's the truth. Helps that you need to hear it."

He finally meets her gaze, and she finally notices how tired he looks. It's not just surface-level tired from the day they've had, it's the type of tired no amount of sleep could fix. She knows the feeling all too well, she's felt like that for years.

"You did it to save your family. For Jack, and your brother."

He immediately says, "And you."

"Michael would've gotten out anyway. He would've just found some poor innocent person to torture and possess. It's not on you."

He looks away again, shaking his head once more. "You don't have to do this."

"I know. I'm doing it anyway."

"Why?"

"Because you need to hear it, Dean. You can't blame yourself."

He stands, moving closer. "I know you're trying to help, but you're not."

She doesn't break his gaze, refusing to show how his words sting.

"This isn't just gonna go away. Not until he's dead."

She says nothing. He turns away, scrubbing a hand down his face. "I'm sorry." He sits back on his bed. "Guess she was kinda right, huh? Other Kaia."

She moves to sit in front of him on the floor, catching his eyes. "Dean, no. You are nothing like him."

"How can you even look at me?" His voice shakes slightly. "After what he did."

She hesitates just for a moment, then takes his hand, holding it with both of hers. "I just see you. When I look at you, I don't see him. Just you. I see you."

He stares down at their hands in his lap. "I'm sorry," he says again.

"You're a good man, Dean Winchester. You have nothing to apologize for."

He meets her eyes again, covering her hand with his free one. "You don't have to do all this."

She gives a small grin. "I know." 

━━━━━
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author's note !!

hey y'all!! apologies for the sudden hiatus, the holidays were crazy and i also got a job so i've been kinda busy! hopefully i'll be able to get back to updating more regularly !!

as always, please vote and comment, they really make an author's day!

thanks for reading!!

-skye