I woke up to the beeping sound of a monitor. That sound was too familiar in my line of work. I was at the hospital.

Why? What was I doing here? Why couldn't I remember how I got here?

At least it was easier to open my eyes this time. True to his word Will was seated next to me holding my hand. He was seated extremely close as if he imagined me falling out of bed and he needed to be there just in case I did. He wasn't wearing his lab coat which made me wonder how long he was with me for. He couldn't do his job if he was here.

His hand was warm and his thumb traced reassuring circles into my palm. He knew I was awake.

Thankfully it was dark outside and the only light was from the moon and side lamp attached to the wall. The harsh lightly almost made me blind last time.

I looked around the room, a bit difficult considering my neck was throbbing.

It was empty. No one was around but us. Did I imagine my mother?

"Why am I here?" My words were slow and barely audible. I almost choked them out since my throat was so dry and achy.

Will's expression was instantly washed over with relief and happiness. Was I the cause of it? If so, why? His hazel eyes scanned my face for signs of pain. He did it all the time to patients.

I was his patient. It took a bit for it to actually sink in.

Something obviously happened to me and it had to be terrible if it had Will in a panic.

He tried remaining calm but I knew him better than that. Will leaned over to grab a cup off the table and raised the straw to my lips. I drank and the little replenishment meant the world to me. Water never tasted so good.

I waited, desperately, for him to answer me. He seemed resilient. Either he didn't know how to tell me or he didn't want to.

"What do you remember?" He spoke cautiously.

I tried reflecting back on the last thing I could remember. I recalled getting dressed with the girls, going to the restaurant, meeting Rick-

The moment I pictured his face in my mind I shuttered, the blood drained from me and I felt cold.

I remembered bumping into him, going to his office for wine, then a misinterpretation. I concentrated harder and thought of the cruel and hungry look in his eyes as he assaulted me.

He assaulted me.

Hot tears began to build up behind my lashes. My face was sore. I felt like I had been crying for days.

The entire nightmare of a night bulldozed through my mind.

"I'm so stupid." Why did I follow him? Why did I trust him enough to go?

"No," Will firmly said so I could listen but the sound of his voice was fading through my panic. "You had no idea what he was going to do. This is not your fault."

But I knew better.

Will's gentle hands cupped my face before I could fall into an abyss of self-loathing.

His eyes were the perfect mixture of love, sympathy, and strength. "Don't. Don't you dare blame yourself."

I wanted to be strong for him. I wanted his strength but he couldn't possibly understand.

"What happened?" I was there so I knew the answer but I needed Will to confirm. "What did he do to me?"

Will clinched his jaw, a gesture I knew he did to contain his anger. He pulled my hand up to his lips and kissed my knuckles. I didn't think much of it. When we were dating he would always comfort me with that kind of affection.

I understood. He was trying to protect me. Talking about it was just as hard for him.

"He cracked your ribs, nearly choked you to death, and..." His pause only made my stomach knot. I already knew. "He raped you."

My eyes were glued to his lips. I couldn't focus on anything else because actually trying to register what he just said was like sawing in half a boulder.

"Laura," he spoke my name softly.

I couldn't answer. I couldn't breathe.

He cradled my face in his hands when I didn't respond. "Look at me."

I closed my eyes and opened them again, taking the deepest inhales.

"Exhale," he ordered and I obeyed so I wouldn't pass out.

I felt nauseous.

I was... I couldn't even think it.

He pressed his forehead to mine and we took dramatically big deep breathes together. It was soothing. It was familiar. He was familiar. And it was exactly when I needed to calm my nerves.

A few minutes went by peacefully. "Do you want me to continue?"

I pulled back slightly and nodded.

He frowned. "Your friends got worried when you never returned. Sarah called her cousin who's a cop. It took him awhile to get access to that scumbag's office. He found you passed out on the floor, bruised and naked."

I tried picturing it all in my head; watching the scene unravel. But I couldn't put my face on the poor innocent body laying helpless and raped. I didn't want to.

Remembering it also brought back the sensation of having his disgusting hands around my neck. He choked me, kicked me, punched me. I felt every blow now. I felt the cuts on my skin.

I was raped.

I... I... Me... I was raped.

Oh the f-ing irony. I impulsively laughed while crying at the same time. "The fucking irony. I save myself for marriage and-"

"It doesn't change anything. Your virginity is still yours." Will wouldn't allow me to think otherwise.

I had denied sex for the sole purpose to share it with my husband and it got ripped from me.

I sobbed because it was the only thing I could do. Will sat on my bed and pulled me into his chest. I let him.

I had no fight left. I had fought and I lost.

Being wrapped in his protective arms I felt nothing. I wasn't sad or mad. I didn't feel anything. Maybe I couldn't allow myself to feel something.

I just needed to cry. Like I needed to get something out of my system.

I didn't want to feel anything.

Eventually my tears stopped and we stayed in comfortable silence.

I was tired; mentally and physically.

When the sun rose he finally spoke. "Are you in any pain? How's your stomach?"

"It hurts." It was like being on my period with ten times the cramps.

He frowned again in disappointment. "Why didn't you say anything?"

I didn't reply. Maybe I wanted to feel hurt.

He injected my IV with more medicine but before I could pass out I had a request.

"I don't want to see anyone for another day or two. Tell my parents I'm okay." I wanted time to myself.

It might be a bit selfish considering how worried my family and friends were but I didn't want to see them. Not like this.

"Okay." He nodded and sat back in the chair beside my bed.

"You don't have to watch me sleep." I closed my eyes, letting the drugs take over.

"I can't leave you alone."

I pretended to sleep the entire next day. I knew Will knew I wasn't but he didn't try to disturb me. He gave me space by checking on other patients. I couldn't eat because even drinking apple juice pained my stomach.

Beatrice and Leslie came to visit me. I could tell they had no idea how to approach me. We had come across a few cases like mine where girls were "attacked" but this was me. They knew me. I was their friend, their co worker.

Beatrice didn't say a word and I was grateful. She kissed my forehead after taking more blood samples and walked out. She walked out quickly but that was because I could tell she wanted to cry. Leslie brought me a book probably thinking a book would help me disappear for a bit. But I didn't think anything could take my mind off of it.

It. I hated saying it. I hated being a victim.

I dreamt about it that next night. I replayed the club scene then following Rick down to his office. His face was clear in my dream like I had memorized it for days. I tried picking up on the signs; something that could have triggered my awareness to get out of there sooner.

When he slammed me into the door and I turned to look at him, to plead, he wasn't him anymore. I was facing Chris.

Chris banged my head against the door... like he used to do. His hand coiled around my neck and he started to squeeze. I fought to free myself but I couldn't. I was too weak; pathetic.

His green eyes were the most memorable part. They were similar to Rick's. They stared at me with no empathy, no ounce of remorse. They were evil and driven by lust and disgust.

It frightened me.

This image of Chris wasn't made up. It was a memory. Chris, in the beginning, had given me that exact look.

I woke up from the nightmare heaving and sweat dripping down every inch of my body.

Chris had in fact forced himself on me... before. But in a way I let him.

I was confused, exhausted, and more terrified. I knew deep down Chris wouldn't have raped me. He couldn't. Why would I replace Rick with him? I couldn't compare the two. Chris wasn't Rick. Why? Why would I dream something like that?

I was afraid to close my eyes. I was afraid to dream.

I tried sleeping on my side. It hurt like hell but I wanted the pain. I deserved the pain. Pain was a strange comfort.

"Laura?"

I didn't feel like answering him. I continued to stare out the window as I heard his footsteps draw closer. The moon was a pretty crescent.

"Policemen came by today to see you. I told them to come back tomorrow."

I could feel Will staring at me, studying me.

"Thanks," my voice was low.

"You shouldn't be on your side." His voice was etched with worry and overbearing concern.

Will didn't have to treat me. There were plenty of other qualified doctors who could have treated me. Why would he put himself in this situation?

"How did it feel having your heart broken for the second time by the same girl?"

I knew I was a bitch for bringing this up but I had a lot of time to think about it. I had hurt him on many occasions; sometimes without meaning to. Was this karma?

Will was still in his scrubs; his arms were crossed and he was also staring out the window now.

"We're not talking about this now." He spoke affirmatively.

"Why?" Maybe I was picking a fight.

Will sat on the side of my bed so I could look up at him better. He looked incredibly sad. "Because the second time didn't feel like a heartache. You never really loved yourself. You were scared and used religion to push me away. The second time is for you and I get it. I respect it."

'You never really loved yourself.' I held my stupid tears in. Could I love myself now?

"You should hate me."

"I don't." He leaned closer and I didn't have the power to push away.

How he managed to smell like Aqua cologne after hours in a hospital was beyond my comprehension. But the scent was warm and inviting.

"So you have issues loving yourself." One of his hands gently held my face. "Let me tell you want I love about you."

I shook my head not wanting to hear because I probably wouldn't believe him.

"You have such a strong and caring heart."

"I don't." My voice cracked.

He cupped my face in such a way I couldn't avoid his penetrating gaze. "Do you remember that little boy who lost his parents in a car accident then was diagnosed with a severe cancer?"

How could I forget? "Jayden." Just the memory of him made me want to weep.

"You cared for him when he had no one else and not because it was your job. Laura you came to me for help but I couldn't do anything. I never told you but I came back to check up on him. You were so strong. You held him, loved him until his last breath. Not a lot of people can deal with that kind of heartache."

Was that strength?

"That was when I really started to notice you." His loving eyes cast a possessive desire within me. I wanted to feel that love.

"I was just part of the background before." I joked.

He shook his head. "I was absorbed in my work. But you made me stop to look at you. Laura you have a glow you can't even see. You have this way of making the entire world seem insignificant. Like we're the only ones in existence. And I think that that's why your patients love you so much. You make that pain and fear disappear."

I had no idea. I closed my eyes, not to shut him out but because I couldn't keep them open any longer.

The next day I decided to let my family see me. My mom and dad were trying to be brave but I could tell they both wanted to break down and cry. I hated this feeling. I hated how sorry they felt for me. I hated how hopeless I made them feel.

Honestly, I didn't even want to be in the same room with them. What were we supposed to do? Talk about it? Act like it didn't happen?

It was lingering in the air, practically suffocating me.

It turned into a somber silence. Mom and dad didn't know what to do or say. My sisters tried talking about my friends as if to take my mind off of my situation.

I didn't give a shit.

I wanted to be left alone.

Obviously, I was grateful for my friends. They came back for me. They "rescued" me. They should know I was alright.

Clare came to see me that day. As a friend but also a therapist. In my case I needed a mental evaluation to eventually leave the hospital. At least she was someone I trusted.

I was betting Will called her.

Moments after her arrival the cops walked into my room. I forgot they had to ask me questions. My heart raced but I tried to control my anxiety.

My mom squeezed my hand. "We're right here. It's ok. We're not going anywhere."

I know she meant well but I seriously didn't feel like describing in detail what happened to me in front of my parents. I didn't want to put them through that horror.

Will appeared from behind the men in uniforms and I took the deepest breath. "No mom. I don't want you here. Just the doctors."

The hurt in her eyes should have punctured my gut but I didn't care. Her lips quivered but in the end she rose to her feet as well as the rest of my family.

The door had barely shut behind them before the office on the right began the interrogation.

I started from the beginning and the further into the story I got the harder it was to look at Will.

"He repeatedly punched me in the stomach to the point it hurt to struggle anymore. I kept crying, asking him to stop. He then choked me so hard I blacked out. When I woke up I felt him on top of me." I paused to gather my nerves.

Shit. Shit. My hands were a little shaky.

Clare came to my bedside and encouraged me to continue.

Maybe I should have asked Will to leave too.

"I... he..." How do I say it? "I felt the agonizing pressure inside me. He violently raped me." I closed my eyes as the chilling sensation took over me. "When I thought he was done I tried crawling away. Mr. West pulled my hair from behind and bashed my head against the floor... several times."

I could practically feel the blood dripping down my face again. At the time if felt like he might have cracked my skull.

"Then he continued to rape me again." The pain from my stomach, my throat, and my head numbed me now more than ever.

"I think the wine and the pain finally took its toll on me because I can't remember anything else after that."

One officer was writing notes down while the other devoted his full attention towards my face. My head was fully wrapped, covering my stitches. The bastard almost busted by head wide open. Although I hadn't looked in a mirror yet I was certain my entire face was black and blue.

I wanted the cops to leave already.

"Thank you, ma'am."

I answered a few more questions and then they were gone. I was afraid to look at Will so I didn't.

"I don't want any more visitors. I want to be left alone."

Clare patted my shoulder. "We'll talk later."

Will didn't leave though and I wanted to hate him for it. "Go Will."

"I can't leave you." His voice sounded unbelievably defeated like he was just in the fight of his life.

"I don't want you here!" I shouted in anger. Why was I being so mean to him?

Clare had disappeared. Will took cautious steps towards me. The space between us couldn't be anymore oblivious.

"Why?" He questioned me.

Why?

Because I wanted to kick and scream and cry. But instead of replying I stared into his eyes and for the longest second of my life I got lost.

"I won't let you feel alone." He promised.

I broke from his trance and tilted my head towards the ceiling. "I don't feel alone. I feel..."

...

He reached my bed and took my hand. The desire to pull away was there but I didn't.

"What, Laura?"

"Empty. I feel empty." I confessed with resilience.

I was too tired to argue so I closed my eyes praying he'd get the hint. I fell asleep and woke up to the sound of heavy footsteps walking in the dark.

I wasn't scared. There were few people who had access to my room.

Will had turned on the small lamp at the table in the corner of the room. He set some papers and his laptop down then started to look busy.

"What are you doing?" The question came out harsher than intended.

"Finishing my paper work." He didn't bother to look up at me. He knew I'd try kicking him out.

But for now, I didn't mind his company.

"Can I have some water...please?"

He immediately catered to my request. He placed the straw on my lips and I drank to get rid of the awful lump in my throat.

He was in a navy button up and slacks. Even with the dark rings around his eyes he looked like a damn model.

Why did he care about me so much? He should be caring for himself so he could in turn care for more patients. I should be the last thing on his mind.

He didn't go back to his work right away. I felt like he wanted to touch me. Like he wanted to physically be sure I was okay.

He was scared though.

"I'm fine."

He nodded but I took his hand placing it over my cheek. His half smile had finally convinced me that Rick must have put a number on me. It wasn't like I had a mirror to check.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry this happened to you."

"Don't you have work to do?"

I knew that was probably the last thing he was thinking about right now but I couldn't stand him looking at me anymore. Watching him fiddle on his laptop was a small distraction and the highlight of my night.

Clare came to me in the afternoon. She looked beautiful and tan from our fun trip. I wish I could just go back. If I was still there this shit wouldn't have happened.

She didn't annoy me with a bunch of obvious questions. Instead she sat across from me reading a book. I couldn't see the title from how I was laying.

I wasn't really allowed to sit up yet. I had fractured my tailbone and it needed to heal. Not to mention it hurt like hell. Everything hurt like hell now.

Fuck it. I was tired of lying there like the freaking dead.

I wiggled about but I was so pathetically weak. It was like my arms would give out any second.

Clare got up frantically. "Honey don't. You can't-"

I refused to listen to her. Why was I so weak? Damn. It had to be the drugs. I also felt loopy.

"Laura stop-"

"No! Why can't I move? Why am I weak?" Stupid, tears of frustration began trickling down my cheeks.

I wanted to scream.

"Because you're healing. Laura you are not weak. You are so strong."

I couldn't listen to her. I felt like every word out of her mouth was a lie. Everyone, my family, my friends, the nurses, Will, praised me on how STRONG I was and am being. They were just fucking telling me that because that was what you always tell broken people.

I used to do. Even when I knew a patient was going to die you tell them how stong they were being.

IT WAS ALL A FUCKING LIE.

I didn't fell strong. I felt useless and used.

A gut-wrenching pain soared up my spine. Shit. It hurt too much and I had to stop otherwise I'd pass out.

"No. No I'm not." I hated this. I was tired of the bullshit.

"Yes. Yes you are." She said compassionately that it almost made me want to believe her.

"Why," I replied in anger. "Because I survived." I took a deep inhale since my lungs felt like they were collapsing. "That's all my life will be from now on... surviving."

She placed her hands on my shoulders to guide me back into the pile of pillows.

"What's wrong with surviving?" She asked.

I looked up at the ceiling, forbidding myself to cry again. Why the hell was I crying again? When would it end?

"Surviving implies-"

A brisk knock on the door saved me from the torment of analyzing with the doctor what I was actually going to say.

I wasn't expecting any visitors so it had to be the nurses.

The rest of my day was silent and then the next and the next. Will carried out my request and my family respected my wish to be alone. I wasn't really alone. Clare was required to see me as part of my psyche analysis. She was giving reports back to my parents so it wasn't like they were left with nothing. They were going to worry regardless. Leslie was always checking on me since she worked at the hospital. She was undoubtedly filling in my friends on how I was doing.

Physically, I was healing.

Mentally, Clare wasn't pushy. Thankfully. I wasn't required to spill my guts yet but I was sure the moment was coming.

I felt good enough to sit and finally asked for my phone. I knew it would be full of missed calls and apologetic messages.

I accidently turned my camera on and it was coincidentally on selfie mode. I looked horrible. My lip was cut. I had black circles around my eyes. Half my face was bruised. I hardly recognized myself.

I put my phone down. Nope. I wasn't ready.

I wanted to get up and out of the room. I didn't have to pursued my nurse to help me walk. I knew Will was babying me. I probably should have been out of bed and doing physical work awhile ago.

My legs felt so sore and my stomach was a massive cramp but I pushed through the pain. I made it down the dreary hall in time to spot Clare and Will quietly conversing. Clare didn't look happy.

The conversation seemed intense. Was she mad? I guess they didn't expect me to be out of my room so I got to sneak up behind them. They didn't notice me.

"She needs more time. Laura has plenty to deal with." Will surveyed the halls in frustration and that was when he spotted me. His expression changed drastically from anxious to horrified.

"Talking about me?" I knew they were.

I didn't mean to rile Will up. I knew I was the cause of his hard days and sleepless nights. He cared for me and I hated being his burden.

I was still fragile in their eyes. For some reason Will now felt like I was his responsibility.

Clare's smile was meant to distract me. "Oh honey, you're out of your room. That's wonderful. We were just going over notes."

She seemed proud of my small accomplishment.

"About me?" I couldn't exactly be mad. I was their patient.

"Yes."

Will still held a slight frown on his face and the look of sympathy in his warm eyes. I was starting to hate sympathy... with a deep engraved passion.

"Let's go back into the room." He dismissed my nurse and helped me balance walking the way back.

I clinched my jaw when his hand grabbed my waist to steady me after I almost tripped. I didn't flinch like most rape victims did when a man was close.

II trusted Will with my life and I knew without a doubt he would never, ever hurt me. He couldn't even hurt my feelings.

"Sorry." He whispered, possibly trying not to startle me.

I guess he noticed my tiny struggle to the simple touch. I placed my hand over his which was still around me.

"Thank you." I didn't want him to think I was afraid of him. I wasn't. I wasn't sure what that was.

Having his arm around me pulled me into a whirlwind of beautiful emotions. I had wonderful memories with him. His warmth, his smell, his support were ridiculous distractions; but welcomed distractions.

He was always so kind to me.

I sat down on the bed and he crouched down to be lower than me; so, it was easy to look down at him. This wasn't a good sign. Will gave Clare the once over, maybe for permission.

"What is it?" My heart was pounding in my ears.

"We can't release you until we feel you're mentally stable." He used his words delicately.

Mentally stable. I felt my lips twitch as the words I wanted to speak got lost. I didn't realize I was so close to leaving the hospital. How long was I here for?

I laughed a little instead. "What makes anyone stable?" This was such a freaking joke. "From the outside Mr. West looked like a stable man."

Will looked as if I had punch him in the stomach.

"It's been a week. You haven't spoken much. You're healing on the outside but I don't know what's going on inside your head. You refuse to see family and friends." Clare clarified running down a list of what was wrong with me.

"I'm making it hard for you to pick my brain. You want to know if I've had any suicidal thoughts." I knew the routine.

I dealt with a few assault cases. I knew the procedure and what signs the psychiatrist was looking for.

"Are you?" Will's sad voice struck me fiercely.

He sounded heart broken. I wanted to soothe his worry.

"You're isolating yourself." Clare interjected and I lost that compassion.

I knew my situation wasn't a joke but I couldn't help but take it as one. Did they really expect me to talk about it? I was trying to forget it.

"And you thought you could push Will into getting something out of me?"

She got quiet and then I felt like a bitch. I knew she was only trying to help.

Will was on his knees in front of me so I turned to look down on him. He was desperate for answers, desperate to hear my thoughts.

"No. I don't have suicidal thoughts." This triggered a dark emotion. "You don't know what if feelings like to be over powered; to physically being taken advantaged by another person. It's the worst feeling in the world... to not have control of your body. I had my body used for another person's sick pleasure and I feel like shit."

Will's eyes melted into a shade of gold while his hands held tighter to mine.

I tried picturing it once but I couldn't. Will was a big, tall, and muscular man. It would be hard to take physical advantage of him. In my situation, I was small and intoxicated. Rick was twice my size.

I exhaled. "My body feels foreign and contaminated. It doesn't feel like me. I don't want my family to see me like this. I don't want anyone to see me. I don't know who I am right now. I'm not myself." I choked that last part and started to cry despite how hard I tried holding back tears.

I've heard all the necessary bullshit before.

"It's okay not to be yourself right now." I hadn't noticed Will was crying with me. "You won't be the same and that's okay. We will still love you. I still love you. You are still the good, kind, beautiful person you always were."

Maybe he was right.

"Don't let this bury you. You're more. You are so much more. Don't let him take this from you."

"I'll try," because I couldn't promise anything. 

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