You and Harry recently suffered a devastating miscarriage and had finally started to heal when he has to go away for a month for unavoidable work

{miscarriage, indications of depression, smut}

March - May

The first month had been empty.

You and Harry had hardly left your bedroom, too consumed with grief to do anything other than care for your basic needs. You'd worn the same clothes for a week straight and when you finally found the energy to change, you'd cried silent tears the whole time, unable to look down at your body which had failed so badly.

Because your body was meant to keep him alive. And it hadn't.

But that had been the first time you'd cried since that fateful day; having been practically mute for a week straight. You weren't sure whether it was the shock or grief that had left your mind and body so devoid of any emotion, thought or feeling, but that first time being faced with your naked body and seeing the remnants of your deflating pregnant belly had been the tipping point.

You'd sobbed into Harry's chest for the rest of that day. And for most of the second week.

By the start of the third week Harry had carried you into the bathroom where a warm bubbly bath had been waiting for you. You'd recoiled in fear, the clear horror at having to be faced with the body you hated so much clear in your wide eyes.

But Harry had soothed you and managed to convince you to get in with him after about ten minutes of gentle coaxing. You knew he was holding back his own tears and pain at seeing the love of his life so ripped apart and full of self-hatred, and not wanting him to be hurting had been the thing to get you into the bath.

As well as the hand you held over your eyes as Harry helped you into the tub.

You'd laid against each other for hours until the water had turned cold, appreciating the peaceful quiet of the water lapping against the sides of the ceramic bath and Harry's soft breaths against your neck.

There had been hardly any words, but no more tears. It was a start.

Even though you spent most of the fourth week still in bed, sleeping a lot, Harry had managed to get you both outside in the garden on a particularly warm morning.

And feeling the warm sun on your pale, haggard face had tugged at somewhere buried deep away in the corners of your heart; happiness.

But that feeling was gone as quickly as it came, because you'd crumpled into Harry's arms feeling the guilt sing through your body at thinking you deserved to feel happiness at all anymore. He had understood instantly and picked you up in his strong arms and carried you back inside.

The second month was better.

You'd managed to get dressed without crying, have a bath or shower without Harry there to distract you from your impending thoughts, and even managed to eat a full meal at dinner. Your mum had come to visit and you'd cried together as she held you and Harry tightly, still unable to speak of the devastation that plagued you both, but just appreciating some company was a step in the right direction.

But the end of the month was the turning point.

One night you'd laid there unable to find sleep, hundreds of words bubbling on your tongue and ready to spill out. So you'd shaken Harry awake, the moonlight dancing in your vulnerable eyes as he'd turned to face you, a worried look on his beautiful face as he asked you a silent question, what's wrong?

"I want to talk about it Harry, about him," your voice had been hoarse and quiet from lack of use, but it held a firmness that flooded Harry's body with relief; you were slowly coming back to him.

He'd nodded eagerly, having been secretly containing his own need to voice the violent storm of emotions raging in his soul for the moment you were ready.

And so you'd spent the rest of the midnight hours sharing the deepest thoughts and feelings you'd both been harbouring the past two months. Neither of you held anything back as you'd admitted the feelings that seemed wrong or too dark, or even in some cases too light. It was absolutely horrible for both of you to hear how the other felt, but it was also the most comfort you'd both felt in what seemed like ages - knowing your feelings were shared with the person you loved most in the world and that you were not alone.

When you'd finally woken up the next afternoon, having not fallen asleep until five in the morning, your heart felt lighter in your chest. And when Harry turned to face you, his eyes puffy with tiredness and a tiny bit of dribble coating the corner of his mouth, you'd managed the smallest of smiles. Your first since that traumatic day.

Harry had smiled back, his face so full of adoration, relief and an understanding so deep you felt a twinge of something lovely in your heart that you'd thought would be lost forever.

The third month was the best.

Even though the grief still weighed heavy on your heart, suffocated you constantly, you were able to start living again.

You were able to look at your body with only a slight cringe now, had been eating three meals a day, had left the house to go for a walk with your friend. Harry had started working out a bit, had started singing around the house again like he always used to do.

You'd both laughed together for what felt like the first time in a million years. You'd heard the birds singing in the garden and felt the sun on your face and not shied away from it. You'd even felt that low tugging in your gut when Harry had returned all sweaty from a run, had let him touch you, pleasure you even though you both had shaky hands, nervous gazes and pounding hearts.

But there wasn't a single day you didn't forget what had happened, didn't forget the tiny baby boy you'd known for nowhere near enough time, who had been taken so soon, so cruelly from you and Harry.

And some days were worse than others, when you just couldn't bring yourself to get out of bed because the pain in your chest and the looming void you'd been stuck in for weeks threatened to pull you under again. But Harry was always there, seeing you and understanding you in a way that was brand new and so specific to what you had both been through.

Because even though it still hurt, the pain more than you could ever fathom, you were both healing.

Your broken hearts had begun to weave back together, but this time with an extra pale blue thread helping you along the way that hadn't been there before.

♥

The real test had come towards the end of the third month when Jeffery had arrived unexpectedly at your home, concern and guilt already written on his face.

You'd invited him in, your heart fluttering wildly as Harry just gulped with wide eyes, more of an awareness of what was about to happen than you'd had.

"You need to go to LA H," Jeffery had murmured, voice full of traces of guilt at what he knew he was asking of Harry; to leave you, his home, his healing family so soon.

Hearing the words had made you feel like you'd been submerged underwater with only Harry's tight grasp on your hand your tether back to the situation. You could still hear the conversation between Harry and Jeff as he explained the reasons why but it felt far away and muffled.

Thoughts raged through your mind as you'd known your reaction would be required soon, but only one stood at the forefront.

Turning to Harry when you heard a dull call of your name, you looked into his swirling eyes, sea-green today, and felt yourself come back to reality, his presence having always been like an anchor to you, but now more so than ever.

"Go," you'd found yourself saying, quickly continuing with an explanation after seeing Harry's shocked, sad features. You'd turned more fully to him, and gripped both of his hands in each of your own, "Harry we have to start living again," your voice was hushed and strained as you fought to hold back your tears, "We'll be fine, we'll be alright, we have to be."

Harry had loosed a sorrowful sigh, but couldn't hide the agreement and compassion in his eyes. He didn't want to leave you, not for a single moment, but he also knew that you were right; you had to carry on, and for him that meant returning to the thing he loved second best to you - his music.

Holding your gaze for a moment longer, and finding the clear communication and reassurance there - almost as though you were speaking silently to him - Harry had turned to Jeffrey and nodded firmly, "Okay, I'll go."

Jeffrey had thanked you both profusely before making his way out of your home, eager to leave you both to each others company, knowing how hard this must be and not wanting to force your brave faces any longer.

And those brave faces had certainly been gone the moment Harry closed the door behind his friend.

You and Harry just melted together in a silent hug, his strong arms wrapping tightly around your back as he'd nuzzled his face into the crook of your neck.

The silence said everything it had needed too as you'd both stood like that, clinging to each other not just physically but emotionally too, for several minutes.

But then Harry had spoken, in nothing but a whisper, "We'll be alright."

June

Your knee bounced rapidly as you sat on the sofa, hands fiddling together between your thighs.

Whenever Harry was due to return home from trips away you were always fidgety, unable to concentrate on anything but the moment when you'd hear his keys in the door.

But this time it was different.

The truth was, the past month without Harry had been pretty awful.

You'd missed him terribly and what with the time difference and how busy he'd ended up being over in LA, it meant you felt as though you'd hardly spoken. Of course Harry had been absolutely wonderful, insisting that he would have come straight home if you'd asked because you were his number one priority. But you'd told him you were fine, even though deep down you'd felt that dark void consuming you more and more as the days had slowly gone by.

It wasn't that you didn't want to tell Harry - you knew you could tell him absolutely anything - but you knew that he needed to get back into the studio and spend some time with his music, and seeing his eyes light up through FaceTime when he'd gotten the chance to tell you about his day only confirmed that.

There had been some good moments while Harry had been away though. Your best friend had slept over for a weekend and you'd watched silly rom-coms and got drunk on red wine, you'd had the chance to start doing some work again, popping into the office to say hello to everyone there. Plus the weather had been so beautiful you'd even had some good enough days to get outside to tan and lounge by the pool in your garden.

But, regardless of those handful of bright points, being alone with your thoughts most of the time and without Harry there to read them in your eyes, you'd just felt empty. You had been worried that Harry was going to catch you out, as one week you'd answered all his FaceTime calls in the same jumper of his that you'd worn all week, the same week where you'd not left your bed just like that first month.

Because sometimes, the heaviness and immensity of your hateful and angry thoughts still rendered you absolutely powerless. And without Harry there to be your anchor during those moments when the thoughts of your little boy, who sometimes you could swear you could still feel fluttering in your stomach, got too much, it was all you could do just to hold yourself together.

Some days even that hadn't been enough though. You'd had to go out and buy another set of dinner plates a few weeks ago as the night before you'd had a meltdown full of sobbing rage and heartbreak which had led to plates being smashed against the wall in your agony.

But you'd gotten through it. You'd survived the month without Harry and now he was coming home to you. Today.

What you didn't know however, was that Harry had also really struggled himself by being away from you. He'd absolutely loved being back creating and writing and singing, but deep down the whole time he'd just felt like half of his heart was missing without you by his side.

And he knew he couldn't have told you because worrying you was the last thing he wanted to do.

So he'd stuck it out, the one thought of finally having you back in his arms his lifeline for the empty nights when he laid wide awake, scared to sleep because of the dreams full of his little boy that seemed to be so much worse this month than they had been before.

To say you were both desperate to see each other was certainly an understatement.

Having got too restless sat on the couch, you'd moved to pace by the large French doors in your kitchen, massaging your hands together and chewing on your lip.

Only a couple more hours to go.

But sooner rather than later, your pacing had made you restless again. So you went and sat in your study, in your favourite comfy armchair by the window to read your book. But when you realised you'd been staring at the same page for fifteen minutes having read the same sentence over and over again, you knew you needed something else to do.

In the end you'd found yourself sat back on the sofa, still fidgeting.

Luckily the time passed really quickly because at the exact same moment you went to check your phone, you heard the familiar little jiggle of your front door that could only mean one thing.

Harry was home.

You bolted up from the sofa and practically ran into the hallway, stopping dead and breathing hard around ten feet away from the door to watch Harry, with his back to you, as he closed the door behind him and put his bags down.

When he finally looked up at you, relief and longing written all over his face under the deep sadness, something inside you broke.

You sank to your knees with a sob of his name, covering your face with your shaking hands as the weight of the past month, of the past four months, crashed over you like a tidal wave.

Harry was by your side in an instant, kneeling down on the floor next to your and pulling your trembling body into his own.

"Baby," he breathed into your hair, his own tears falling down his face as he rocked you gently, "I'm home, I'm here."

His simple words sent another shockwave of sobs through you, more full of relief this time though at finally being back with the man who meant absolutely everything to you. And even though you were falling apart in his arms, your heart finally started to feel full again because Harry was your home, and he was finally here.

♥

An hour or so later, you and Harry were still wrapped around each other.

You'd moved from the hallway, Harry carrying you into the living room and gently lying you down on the plush carpet, the purple and orange sunset coming through from the large windows coating you both in a muted glow.

Curled towards his warm, familiar body, laying on your side, you and Harry had just let the silence do the talking as you both gazed at each other. Your fingers softly touched his lips, jaw, hair, arms, as though marvelling at the fact he was real and finally next to you. Harry's own hands brushed gentle strokes over your sides, hair and back, the love he had for you pounding along every nerve of his body.

"I missed you so much," Harry whispered, his warm breath fanning gently across your face making your eyelashes flutter.

"I missed you too H," you couldn't hide the quiver in your bottom lip as you replied. Having only just settled your sobs about half an hour ago, you still felt on the edge of more tears.

"Nearly came home so many times," he admitted softly, a deep sadness in his eyes that you had unfortunately seen too much recently, "Really struggled without you darling."

Harry's murmured admission took you by surprise; you'd thought he was doing okay out in LA, "Why didn't you say?"

"Didn't want to worry you," he countered, fingers twirling idly in the tips of your hair and avoiding your now concerned gaze.

"I wish you'd said H, I really struggled too," now it was Harry's turn to look concerned as he snapped his eyes to scan over your face which told him everything he needed to know; you'd been in as dark a place as he had this past month.

He sighed deeply and you watched his eyebrows harden as the guilt and slight anger at the knowledge you'd been feeling so down and hadn't told him, "Baby, you know I would've very happily dropped everything -"

You cut of the rest of his sentence by pressing your lips to his. When you pulled away a moment later he just stared at you with slightly widened eyes and parted rosy lips.

"I don't wanna talk about it Harry, not right now at least. I think I needed to prove to myself I could be alright and as horrible as it was, we got through it," you looked at him intently, knowing he understood, "and all I want now is to be as close to you as I can, and for you to show me just how much you missed me."

Tears swam in Harry's eyes as he took in your words and the intensity of your tone. You wiggled impossibly closer to him, purposefully pressing your hips into his and noticing the way his pupils dilated a fraction as you did so. He was sad and angry that you'd not told him the full extent of how you'd been feeling during his absence, but he was also disappointed and full of guilt in himself for not noticing.

You could see the hesitation clear on his face even as his body betrayed him with the subtle shift of his hips against yours, "H please," you breathed, "Its okay, I'm okay, we're okay."

He sucked in a deep breath as your hand came up to cup his jaw and angle his head down towards yours, "Missed you so much," he mumbled, his voice breaking slightly at the end, the words acting as confirmation that he was going to drop it for now as he sweetly brushed his nose against your own while his hands tightly gripped your waist.

You only managed a hum of agreement before Harry was hooking his hand under your thigh and pulling your leg to rest over his hip and he firmly pressed his lips back to yours. His tongue slipped easily into your mouth as you parted your lips in a moan as he ground his growing erection over your clothed core.

The feeling shot sparks through you and you couldn't help but notice how you'd not felt this alive in months. And even though that guilt-ridden part of you that always showed its ugly head when you did anything that involved feeling happy started to creep its way into your mind, you pushed it away, instead focusing on the wonderful feel of Harry's lean body half hovering over you.

Because you and Harry deserved this, you deserved to be happy again.

With that thought circling your brain, you squeezed Harry even tighter to you, helping him to roll atop of you and settle between your parted legs. Your hands threaded through his soft curls and he moaned lowly into your mouth at the sensation.

Deciding not to waste any time, Harry pulled away for a moment to pull his t-shirt over his head. Your eyes greedily roamed his tattooed chest and stomach, already craving the feel of his naked skin on your own as you moved to grab the hem of your jumper.

But Harry's warm hands stopped you and you looked up in surprise to see him already staring at you with that little half smirk and eyes full of desire and longing, "Allow me."

You swallowed thickly, but nodded eagerly. The moment Harry's fingers grazed the skin of your belly you whined quietly, having not realised just how starved of his touch you felt.

He chuckled lowly at your neediness, but hastily removed the piece of clothing from your body, completely understanding how you felt in this moment as it was taking all of his restraint to not rush things.

The truth was you both still felt an inch of nervousness when it came to sex, even if it was for slightly different reasons. You were still incredibly self-conscious about your body, whereas Harry was just scared to hurt you or rush you if you weren't ready to share this intimacy with him.

But today it seemed those worries were mostly far away as the desire for each other overruled everything else.

Once Harry had unceremoniously thrown your jumper behind him to join his t-shirt, you couldn't help the small giggle leaving your lips. Harry's eyes softened as he watched you, his heart burning at seeing his wife with that beautiful smile back on her face.

And he told you as much when he leant back down, his elbows framing your face as he pressed a chaste kiss agains your lips, "You're devastatingly gorgeous and I love you with everything I am Y/N."

Your breath caught in your throat at his words and it was no wonder a tear or two slipped from your eyes. Harry was quick to catch them with a kiss and when he pulled back once more to look at you, you replied simply, "I love you always."

Harry's face broke into that heart-stopping grin and you couldn't help your own tugging onto your lips just before he leant down again to continue kissing you fiercely.

Before you knew it, the rest of yours and Harry's clothes were being removed and you were finally getting the skin on skin warmth you'd been desperate for moments earlier.

The hand that had been gripping your neck slowly started to trail down your body as Harry continued to kiss you. Your heart rate picked up as Harry's fingers swirled around one nipple and then the other, not without a gentle squeeze to your aching breasts as well.

By the time Harry made it to the warmth between your legs you were a squirming mess, but thankfully he wasted no time with teasing, instead rubbing a few gentle strokes along your clit which had you whining loudly before plunging a long finger deep inside of you.

Your back arched from the floor to meet his rapidly rising and falling chest as he gently pumped his finger in and out, careful not to hurt you at all but wanting to stretch you ready for what was to come later on.

"Harry," you sighed in bliss, gripping his bulging biceps and feeling the way his muscles flickered as he continued slowly pleasuring you.

He hummed in satisfaction at your noises, leaning forward to nip and suckle at your earlobe, causing a loud moan to leave your lips. As much as Harry was kindling the fire in your belly with his actions, you needed more. And as though sensing your needs, he swiftly slipped another thick finger into your heat to join the first.

A soft grunt of relief sounded from your mouth at the prickling stretch both of Harry's fingers gave you even as he kept up the steady pace he'd initially set.

You watched him as his brow furrowed as he looked down to where his fingers kept disappearing inside of you and you could tell how turned on he was by the insistent press of his fully hard dick against your leg. The thought made you clench around Harry and he shot his eyes up to you with a small moan.

"God, you look so pretty taking my fingers so well baby," he hummed against your lips.

You just mewled in response, arching up against him again and attempting to tug his arm to try and communicate that you wanted and needed his cock deep inside of you. Luckily he understood your plea and was quickly removing his fingers from where they'd been buried and was shifting himself to line up with your wet entrance.

Reaching down to take his heavy member in your hand, you stroked the tip with your thumb and revelled in the shiver that raked down Harry's body from your touch. Teasingly swiping his tip along your soaked entrance, Harry practically growled, the sound making your stomach drop in excitement.

"Please" you whimpered, staring up at Harry through your lashes.

He shot you a wicked smile before moving his hips back slightly before sliding all the way to the hilt and your mouth opened in a silent moan as your world narrowed to the feeling of finally being as close to Harry as physically possible.

It seemed as though all the darkness washed away as he rocked into you, because you both knew that being together in this way meant you were healing. And that no matter the tear in your hearts that would never fade, you both shared this together and would make it through the dark nights because the sun would always rise again in the morning.

The thought made tears prick in your eyes as your body sang with joy at the love and support your husband provided you, not only in these horrendous months, but always.

"Hey, it's okay darling," Harry's hips slowed as he noticed the emotion pouring over your face, "What's wrong?"

"I just love you so much," and that was all you needed to say for Harry to understand the plethora of feelings raging through your heart right now. The lust, adoration, gratefulness and appreciation could hardly cover how strongly you both felt about each other.

Harry felt a lump form in his throat, but he swallowed and pressed a small kiss between your eyebrows, "Always my love, always."

You smiled up at him as he began to resume his thrusts, hitting that deep spot inside of you every time as your bodies moved as one.

And as the sun finally set behind you both and you came undone in each others arms, the safest place in the entire world, you knew for certain that you would be alright. 

oof that was a bit of a sad one :(

wasn't 100% whether to post but as @CaathyX rightly said, we all need a bit of a tear-jerker from time to time hahaha

I have to say though I am quite happy with it, as hard as it was to write at times! just wanted to say as well that since it was a late miscarriage it meant she had to have an induced pregnancy if anyones wondering why its implied they got to see the tiny baby

anyway, hope you enjoyed this one guys!! I've got another one shot in the works already which is definitely a lot more light hearted than this one haha so I'll let you know when thats ready to be published!

thanks for all the reads and support on my little one shots book too, it really doesn't go unaware and I am so appreciative of all of you <3 don't forget to vote!!

love, love, love,

kait xxx