In the previous chapter, I talked about how thoughts are magnetic. They attract similar thoughts, which in turn attract even more similar thoughts. Most people experience this when venting about something annoying. They'll complain about how unfair someone was, then recount another time they did something unfair. And then another. And then it magnifies into how this person is unfair all the time. It grows into a full-blown rant, and feelings of annoyance are now something stronger, like anger or hate.

But how does this serve you? How does increasing your stress over something that someone else did help you in any way? Why give this kind of power to someone else? You may have heard this before, but a person can't make you feel bad unless you allow it. Unless you give permission.

You Can Control Your Reactions

You can't control what other people do, but you can control your reaction to it. It's hard, at first, I won't lie. When we aren't conscious of our own behavior, we simply react to things. I have a friend with a short temper, and every time I tell her this--every time I tell her that we have the ability to control our reactions to things--she says, "That's great, but easier said than done."

Maybe you're saying that right now. I understand. It is hard. Breaking any habit is hard. But doable. People manage to break habits all the time. You just have to 1. Recognize that you can, and 2. Be willing to change.

Saying "easier said than done" is dismissive. It's telling yourself that's too hard and you shouldn't even bother. It's violating both #1 and #2 above. If that's the case for you, then let me be clear: Nothing is going to change in your life if you aren't willing to make positive changes in yourself.

Where to Start

Willing to give this a shot? Good! I still have a hard time with my reactions to things, but I have gotten much better at halting the negativity train. Whenever I realize my thoughts are spiraling along a dark path, I'll stop it. I'll stop that thought in mid-sentence even. But stopping isn't enough, because an upset brain is a busy brain, and it's likely to latch onto that train again and steam straight through your good intentions.

The key is to replace those awful thoughts with something else. Ideally, we want to replace bad thoughts with good thoughts, but the nature of our emotions often makes this impossible. So what I do is replace it with a song instead. When I find myself fuming over something someone did to me, I start playing a song in my head. Any song will do. I'll often combine this with taking a walk, because angry energy needs somewhere to go.

Loop that song in your head until you feel the upset begin to wane.

When Songs Aren't Enough

Sometimes the upset is so bad, the angry thoughts keep creeping back in. I hear you. Trying to sideline negative thoughts might be a great concept, but it certainly isn't easy. Here's one way to attempt this:

1. Stop the negative train. Just stop thinking.

2. Take a deep breath and hold it a few seconds.

3. Focus on something neutral, like a tree, some clouds, a swing set, or birds.

4. Slowly exhale while counting to ten. Keep looking at the tree, clouds, swing, or birds.

5. Think of a neutral, curious, or mildly pleasant thought, totally unrelated to what you were worried or angry about. For example, "that cloud looks like an elephant," or "I used to swing really high in playgrounds," or "that's a lot of birds."

6. Continue taking slow, deep breaths.

7. Concentrate on that subject. "Now that elephant is morphing into a manatee." Or "I remember jumping from those swings all the time." Or "I wonder what those birds are squawking about?"

8. Try to maintain this new train of thought, carefully staying away from the previous negative subject.

9. As your feelings settle down, try reaching for more positive thoughts, like "Clouds are cool. I'd like to fly through one." Or "I got a lot of air jumping off those swings. Funny, how did I not break my legs?" Or "Those birds are funny. They sound like they're at a party, trying to talk over each other."

From a place of neutral feelings, you can then attempt more and more positive thoughts. Appreciate the things around you. Express gratitude for the things going right in your life. We may not be able to directly control our feelings, but feelings come from thoughts, and we can control those. Give it a try! With practice, you will eventually train your brain to veer toward positive thoughts instead of negative, and this in turn will lead to more happy feelings.

When you can find that happy place more frequently, that's when things start turning in your favor. I want that for you!