After chemo last week, my dad reprimanded me on missing a session. I apologized profusely and explained it would never happen again. I know how important it is to stay on a regimen and on schedule. I mean, it's quite literally life or death. But, thankfully, he was lenient with me afterwards. I even got to choose our pizza toppings. Mom would have loved pepperoni and pineapple. But since she isn't here, I am the only pineapple on pizza fan in the Richards household. It's quite lonely.

A knock at my door wakes me up from my sleep. When I open my eyes, I notice the sun shining through the sheer white curtains and the sing-song of birds.

"It's open," I say groggily.

Dad walks into my room, a small cupcake with a lit blue candle in hand.

"Happy birthday, Bumble Gee. Seventeen. My, how you've grown up fast."

I smile and sit up in bed, flattening my comforter in front of me. "Thanks, Dad."

"I've asked to leave work early today. I'll be a couple hours late, but I'll be at your birthday party. I'm ready for the groovy songs Nathan picked out."

I laugh and nudge him, careful not to make him drop my birthday cupcake. "No one says groovy, Dad."

"Well, I'm making it mandatory tonight." He leans forward and kisses my forehead. "Happy birthday, sweetie. I'll see you after school."

He hands me the cupcake before leaving my room and shutting the door.

"Another year down, hopefully more to come." I close my eyes, imagining Mom sitting beside me, and blow out the candle.

As planned, Nathan gives me a ride to school. For as long as I can remember, it has always been a Gemma and Nathan tradition where we go out for breakfast the morning of a birthday. Even when we couldn't drive, our parents dropped us off somewhere, more often than not the Urban Egg, and grabbed a table near us. They gave us our space, but we also understood we needed a ride to school after our totally epic breakfast. I always get the same thing: a cup of coffee and their infamous avocado toast. Today, Nathan chose the same.

"So," he says before taking a large gulp of his black coffee. "How does it feel to finally be seventeen?"

"Well, it doesn't feel any different, really." I add three packets of sugar and some cream into my coffee. Black coffee never works for me. I need it all sugared up. While I know adding tons of sugar isn't healthy, I'm allowed to splurge. Especially on my birthday.

Nathan makes a face and laughs, shaking his head. "I don't understand how you can add so much sugar and cream to your coffee."

I discard the empty packages on the table and look up at him, feeling my eyebrows crinkle together. "And I'll never understand how you can drink straight bean water without adding something to it."

"I'll let that comment pass. But only for today, birthday girl."

I give him a wide smile and take a drink of my coffee. The sweet liquid glides down my throat, warming me to the core.

"So," I sat, setting my coffee down. "The party starts at six. We'll have pizza, because it's timeless. Everyone is expected to dress up. You have the playlist put together?"

Nathan nods and folds his hands on the table. "Of course I do."

I laugh and nod. "How dare I doubt you." Nathan shrugs as if to agree with me. "Everything is going to be great. It has to be. Especially if..."

Nathan grabs my hand and squeezes it lightly before I can finish. "Hey. It will be. Okay?"

I give him a single nod. "Yeah."

Our food arrives quickly after that. We tuck into our avocado toast and start to discuss school, whether it be our upcoming tests, fall break, winter break, and the homecoming game.

"I've been meaning to ask," Nathan says as he takes a bite of his food. He quickly swallows and smiles. "I know I haven't been the nicest when it comes to your tutoring, but how has that been going? I mean, is he even a little suspicious about you canceling on him so many times?"

I swallow my food—and the lump in my throat—and feel my stomach flip. It's been a week since I told Nathan about my cancer. And in that week, I've managed to convince him that Ryan knows nothing. I've considered telling him the truth, but he'll be totally gutted if he learns that I told Ryan before him. So, I have to keep him in the dark. And if it means he's happy, then it's totally worth it. And I just hope and pray that he'll never find out.

"Um," I start and wipe my face with my napkin. "I don't think he's caught on. I mean, things ar4e going fine. It's not like he really cares about Chemistry anyway..." I clear my throat and take a sip of my coffee to buy me time. "I've considered telling Mrs. White that I can't tutor him anymore."

"But wouldn't he get suspicious?"

My chest begins to tighten. Why is he asking so many questions?

I shake my head. "I'll just tell him I'm busy. Tony will back up my story. And so can you. It'll be fine. He won't find out. The school doesn't need to know about...everything."

I end the conversation there and look at the time on my phone. "We should probably get going. I'll pay."

Before Nathan can argue, I stand up and head over to pay the bill. Yeah, this goes against tradition protocol, but I needed to get out of that conversation.

When I get back, I smile and shove my wallet into my yellow backpack. "Ready?" I ask.

Nathan nods and stands up, careful to push the seat back under the table.

The ride to school is awkward. Quiet. Nothing like how we usually are. Nathan is usually playing music that I can't stand listening to and I'm usually going on and on about my latest book or upcoming school projects. We're never quiet. The only time a ride was so quiet was after the party a few weeks back. Where I ended up standing by Nathan's truck, crying about Ryan, with cake all over my face and in my hair. I had never seen Nathan grip the steering wheel so much. Or even heard him that quiet.

"So," Nathan says, breaking the very thick slate of ice between us. "I have the whole set list for the party figured out."

He turns the left turning signal on and makes the turn. The soft clickclickclick subsides less than a second later.

"Yeah?" I ask, thankful for the distraction. "That's cool. I hope it's a variety of songs because it is called a decades party for a reason." We're silent for a beat. "And, you better be dressing up. It is mandatory. Printed on all the invitations."

Nathan nods. "I remember." He turns right. "Who delivered the invitations?"

My stomach does a flip. Suddenly, this morning's breakfast isn't agreeing with me. "Um, Ryan did."

He slams on the brakes when we reach a red light. I jostle forward. When I look at Nathan, his jaw is tense and he's looking forward. "Sorry," he mumbles.

I nod, indicating I'm okay as I push some blonde strands of hair behind my ear. "He, um, was already over when I had them printed out. And he knows a lot more people, so..." I trail off.

Nathan scoffs. "Yeah, just stuck-up teenagers."

I wring my hands in my lap. I wish we could get the quiet tension back. Anything but this. I clear my throat and look at him.

"Tony knows the same people. It wouldn't be any different if I had handed them to him. Or you. All three of you basically run in the same groups, so."

His jaw tenses again. He takes his foot of the brakes when the light turns green and slowly advances towards school. "I am nothing like him."

"That isn't what I'm saying," I say, propping my head up on my hand, elbow resting on the door, as I look out the window. "That's not what this is, and you know that."

When we reach the school with at least twenty minutes before the first bell, I get out of Nathan's truck and collect my bag. I sling it over my left shoulder and head towards the building.

"Gee!" Nathan calls.

I ignore him and keep walking forward, worried that I'll say something I'll regret if I don't. This whole lying thing, everything going on between Ryan and Nathan, is slowly starting to gnaw away at me. Why can't Nathan just get off his stupid high horse and—

The sound of books falling to the floor pulls me out of my trance. My left arm, for some reason, is throbbing.

"Watch where you're going," an ice cold voice says.

When my eyes finally focus, I find brunette hair paired with piercing, deep blue eyes. I tilt my head up, trying to show no fear, but her cohorts laugh, so I don't think I'm succeeding all that well.

"Look," Tiffany says, locking her eyes on mine, "it's the clone." Her friends laugh. I instantly recognize at least three of them. They were the girls who told me I was the football team's good luck charm. "I thought about it, and I'm actually going to bill you for my shoes. I need a new pair and my dad won't buy me any. So."

I open my mouth to speak, but a male's voice comes out instead of my own. For a second, I'm confused, thinking maybe I hallucinated. But then Ryan steps up from behind me. He smiles at Tiffany. I guess he really follows the whole kill them with kindness idea.

"Give it a rest, Tiff. Okay? Gemma didn't do anything to you. So please back off."

Tiffany refuses to break eye contact. She takes a beat before saying, "No one likes sloppy seconds, dear."

I roll my eyes and trudge past her. For once, I just wish Tiffany and her whole clique would just give it a break. I don't need this...this...

I sigh heavily.

"Hey," Ryan says, catching up to me. "Gee, wait."

I stop and turn around. "I don't need you defending my honor, Ryan! Okay?" I start to walk again, but am pulled back by my left wrist. Ryan lets go when I glare at him. I don't try to leave again.

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize—" He takes a deep breath and pinches the bridge of his nose. "Listen, Gemma. I wasn't trying to be heroic, okay? I care about you and I want to make it perfectly clear that I'm here for you. Tiff shouldn't have the right to talk to you like that."

"Neither did you but that didn't stop you, did it?" I snap.

Pain crosses Ryan's face. I should feel regretful, but I don't. I just feel angry. Angry at Nathan for asking questions. Angry at myself for not telling the truth. Angry at Ryan for caring. Angry at everyone and everything.

Ryan reaches for my hand. I look towards the school doors just as Nathan makes his way in. A few of his teammates stop him to say hi.

"Not here," I say to Ryan, pulling him inside an empty classroom. After I close the door, I turn to find him leaning against a desk. My heart squeezes. And, for the record, I hate that in this particular moment. Because it's making it really hard to be mad at him.

"Ryan—" I start, but I don't know what to say. I stomp my left foot and sit in a chair. "I can't do this, okay? I can't do the whole homecoming-relationship thing, okay? I. Just. Can't."

Ryan reaches for my hand again and grabs it, his thumb rubbing small circles over the back of it. "Gemma, I care about you more than you know, okay? I just want you to let me in. I hate what I did to you, how I've treated you these past few years. You didn't deserve it. But," he squeezes my hand gently, "I'm not sorry for everything that's happened after."

"You mean after you humiliated me at that party? When you were forced to drive me to the hospital because I didn't have the guts to tell my best friend?" I stand up, pulling my hand from his grasp. "You're not even supposed to know about my illness, Ryan! And the fact that you do is ruining my friendship with Nathan. Because he hates you. And I don't know why."

Ryan lets out a laugh — more like a snort — and moves to stand next to me.

"It's not funny!" I yell. My throat feels tight. "You know, Jenny thought we're dating. And I'm sure so many other people think that, too. Because we act like it! Because you've suddenly become so nice to me. And while I'd love for that to be the case, I can't let it be."

"Why?" he asks, his eyes pleading.

I look away from him. "I'm going to die, Ryan! One day, I just won't be here anymore. And I can't stand the idea of leaving a path of destruction. I hate the idea of making people sad when I could have just kept my distance."

"I don't care about what will happen a day or two from now." He places his hand under my chin and tilts my head up, forcing me to look at him. He continues in a softer voice, "I just care about you. Give me the chance, Gemma."

I blink, feeling a tear trail down my cheek. He brushes it away with his thumb, his eyes searching mine. I shake my head and take a step back.

"I'm sorry, Ryan. But I can't. I can't allow you to get hurt because of me. I won't."

Before he has the chance to say anything, I walk out of the classroom and out into the crowded hall, hoping no one can see the tears cascading down my face. When I make it to my Pre-Calc class without any interjections, I quickly brush the tears from my face and lift my head up. Like always, no one notices that my life seems to be falling apart at the seams.

The day seemed to go by slowly. I went to my classes, but barely paid attention. My guilt was gnawing away at me. A leech that just wouldn't let go, sucking all of energy from me. I jump from class to class, writing notes, taking quizzes, faking a smile as I show gratitude for birthday wishes. And then I make my way to lunch, where I know Ryan, Nathan, and Tony are waiting for me. I walk into the packed room and make a bee-line for the lunch line. It buys me some time, even though I already brought a packed lunch to school today. My heartbeat never slows to an acceptable rate. I just feel numb to the world.

After Ryan's confession, everything has been complete chaos in my head. I mean, why would he confess something like that to me? And why do I so badly wish it could work?

After school, I head out to the parking lot in search of Tony's car. We need to stop by the store to grab some party supplies. Nathan offered to join us, but I told him I needed some quality time with my brother. If I hadn't played the cancer card before giving him the chance to call me out on my lie, he would have questioned me profusely.

When I reach the vehicle, Tony is already in the driver's seat. He turns off his phone and puts it away as I get in and buckle.

"Hey," I say.

"Hey."

We haven't really discussed the whole "I think I have a crush on Ryan" comment. I don't know if he's afraid to bring it up, or if because he's mad at me for falling for his best friend. Which, in all honesty, I would never do. It is very out of character for me. But when the silence lingers after he puts the car into drive and makes his way out of the parking lot, I know the conversation is about to ensue. His eyebrows scrunch up, creating a distinct line in the middle of his forehead. It's his tell whenever he's about to bring up an uncomfortable topic, whether it be uncomfortable for him, me, or both of us.

"So..." he starts.

I clear my throat, keeping my eyes on the road in front of us. "So," I repeat.

"When I was making that joke a few weeks about you and Ryan, you know I was joking, right?" I see him glance at me from my peripheral vision. "Because I'm not crazy about my little sister having a thing for my best friend. Especially when your best friend has a thing for you."

My stomach ties itself into multiple knots. I take a deep breath and nod.

"I..." I start, but can't think of anything to say. We're silent for a few minutes.

"You know the dude has had a crush on your forever, right?"

"Who?" I ask, finally looking at him. "Nathan?" Because I kind of pieced that together recently.

"No, Ryan."

I gawk at him for a few seconds. A fish out of water. And then I snap.

"WHAT? You're kidding. This is a birthday prank, right? Because it's not funny to mess with a girl's feelings."

Tony chuckles and shakes his head. "Yeah, he could never stop talking about you. And I'm pretty sure half the time he came to our house, he was hoping to see you. Though he never did." He turns on the right turning signal before entering the parking lot to King Soopers. He parks the car and turns off the ignition.

"I always made myself scarce," I say, unbuckling my seatbelt and grabbing my wallet from my backpack's side pocket.

"Yeah, I could tell he was a little bummed." He opens his door and steps out of the car. "Tiff hated the whole thing."

I slam the door shut and look at him over the roof of the car. "But they've been together for three years."

He shrugs a shoulder and heads towards the front of the store. I quickly follow suit.

"That was mostly for show. She's been hooking up with Brian Humphrey for a while now."

I must have made a face because Tony laughs when he looks at me. I grab a cart from the front of the store and head towards the baked goods.

"But, Brian Humphrey is so not Ryan."

He nods and grabs some chocolate and vanilla cupcakes topped with blue and green frosting. Not my first choice, but cake is cake.

"That's exactly why. Brian won't say no to whatever she wants. Ryan, on the other hand..."

"He will," I finish for him. "Yeah, Jenny told me that."

"You know Jenny Smith?" He stops and looks at me.

I shrug. "I never knew her last name. Is she the same girl who works at Dairy Queen?" Tony nods. "Okay, well, the day I came home sick, Ryan and I stopped by Dairy Queen that day. He bought me ice cream, which was super sweet and..."

I stop in my tracks. The day I told Tony about my feelings for Ryan, I also told him he had kissed me the day before. I feel heat rush to my face, probably turning my cheeks several shades of red. I groan and grab a few bags of original potato chips.

Tony laughs as if he knows what I'm thinking about. But he doesn't say anything, so I'm not quite sure. I conclude that it's probably safe to gloss over that bit for a while.

"Anyway, we stopped by Dairy Queen before going to the sculpture garden. Then I got sick in his car. Twice. Which I feel terrible about."

Tony laughs. "You threw up in his car? How did I not know about this?"

"He never told you?" I walk into the next lane in purchase for some Oreos.

"Back to the story, Gee," he says, following behind me. "But, no, he didn't."

I nod and grab three packages of the cookies. "I ran into Jenny last week. She noticed I wasn't looking that great. I'm pretty sure everyone has noticed. I'm pale, I'm skinnier, and I have less energy than normal..." I grab three liters of Dr. Pepper and set them in the cart. "She thought Ryan and I were dating."

"Ah," he says, nodding.

"I guess a lot of people have been thinking that?" I say as more of a question than a statement. "My point is, we had stopped by Dairy Queen the day before and the next day, Jenny said Tiffany wasn't always that great to him. I guess she always judged him."

Tony nods, adding two bags of barbecue chips to the cart. "Tiffany is a little high maintenance."

I snort. "A little?"

I see Tony's lips twitch into a smile.

After grabbing a few more items and decorations for the party, Tony and I head for the register.

The party is in full swing a couple of hours later. I'm dressed in a pink, black, and blue tule tutu with purple leggings, a retro pink t-shirt with a palm tree on it, and pink arm warmers. My hair is tied into a side ponytail, littered with pink streaks.

As guests continue to arrive, I smile at the turn out. Sure, I don't know that many people, but having three football players close to me definitely helps.

As I walk into the kitchen to grab a drink, the front door opens. Ryan walks in wearing black pants, a white t-shirt, and suspenders. My stomach flips when he walks towards me, a gift in hand.

"Hey," he says.

"Hey," I say above a whisper.

I think back to our conversation from earlier and am instantly engulfed in guilt. Especially after Tony's confession.

"Hey," I say again. "I'm sorry about earlier. If the offer still stands, I'd love to go to Homecoming with you. If you really want to be by my side through all of this, I won't stop you."

He smiles, allowing his hand to softly brush against mine. "I do want to be by your side, Gemma. I..." He takes a deep breath. "I always have."

I smile and kiss his cheek. When I see bright red lipstick staining his cheek, I laugh and try to wipe it off.

"Oops," I say through laughter. "Sorry."

Before Ryan has a chance to say anything else, Nathan turns off the music. Party-goers turn to look at him. A small dance floor is set up where the couches used to sit, with large speakers on either side.

Nathan smiles and gives a wave.

"Hey, everyone. Thank you all for coming. I want to be one of many who wishes our birthday girl, Gemma, a happy birthday."

The crowd cheers. Heat creeps into my cheeks.

Nathan clears his throat and continues. "For those of you who don't know, Gee and I have been best friends for our entire lives. We grew up next door to each other and have been inseparable since she was old enough to walk." He turns to me. "Gee, you are a firecracker. You're so passionate about the things you love and you give people the kindest of attitudes. I love our little adventures together. And I'm sure everyone else here will agree when I say you light a room up with that smile and personality of yours.

"I have a little surprise for you. I knew I wanted to do this since you allowed me to create the set list. Thanks for finally admitting classic songs are the better songs." Some of the people around me laugh. "I love you so much, Gee. And I'm so thankful for our friendship."

My stomach suddenly drops at his words. I Love you so much. Before I know what's happening, a song I recognize turns on. Can't Fight This Feeling turns on. The last time I heard this, it was when I got in his truck after the game. He's been planning this for a while.

It suddenly becomes harder to breathe. Nathan starts to sing the lyrics to the song. He steps away from the dance floor and stands in front of me. I swallow as I lookup at him, hoping he doesn't notice the terror in my eyes.

And I can't fight this feeling anymore

I've forgotten what I started fighting for

It's time to bring this ship into the shore

And throw away the oars, forever

As he sings the lyrics, a few guys from the football team I recognize walk into the room with a sign that reads:

GEMMA, WILL YOU GO TO

HOMECOMING WITH ME?

Once the song finishes, he grabs my hand, smiling.

"Gee, you mean so much to me. You are by-far my favorite person. Will you go to homecoming with me? As a date?"