I rush down the stairs and to the kitchen where the yelling...or cheering...? I stop. What the...? Ryan and Tony are sitting at the kitchen table, a bottle of Coke or root beer or...something, is lying smashed on the floor.

"What...?" I ask. No words form. I'm short-circuiting.

Then I realize Ryan is here. And he's looking at me. And I left him on read. And he knows I left him on read. And...I'm all out of thoughts. They're just staring. And laughing. And I'm sure I look like a deer in the headlights.

Before I give Tony and Ryan the chance to explain, I turn around and rush back upstairs. My chest feels tight. My stomach is twisting. And turning. And churning. And, basically, doing gymnastics and I'm not here for it.

"What happened?" Nathan asks when I rush into my room.

"I can't do it," is all I say.

"You can't do what?"

"Words just evaded. They were just like poof. Gone. I can't do it. WHY IN THE WORLD DID MRS. WHITE THINK THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?"

Nathan nods and looks to my closed door.

"Now I'm following. Listen, she probably just made the pairings based on grades. Ryan isn't the greatest at chem. I've seen his scores. And you're easily the smartest in the class. Even smarter than me."

I scoff and sit down in my desk chair. "That is so not true."

Nathan nods and sits at the edge of my mattress. "Yes, it is, Gee. You got a 100 on the last test and pretty much every test before that. My highest score? A 95. You're the best there is. Mrs. White clearly thinks he needs the help."

"Because I do."

I yelp and jump out of my seat, probably a good two inches.

"Thanks, Ryan," Nathan says, "for almost making Gemma's heart stop. You almost killed my best friend."

I can't tell if he's actually trying to be funny or not. My brain is slow and I don't know what's happening. Am I having a stroke?

Ryan laughs and leans up against the doorframe.

"Then I'd be out of a tutor, which I desperately need. So I guess that's my way of saying I didn't mean to."

"When...?"

Words won't form. What is wrong with me?

I think Ryan gets what I'm trying to say...or not say. He laughs. My stomach flips. Will he stop doing that?

"Just a minute ago. I kind of heard you yelling. You ran away quickly. Tony and I weren't sure if we scared you off or not."

All I can do is shake my head.

Ryan nods and ventures into my room. Please don't. I want to express my concern, but my mouth doesn't move. My voice doesn't work. He sits down on my reading chair by my bookshelves and folds his hands in his lap.

"So..."

I clear my throat and look down.

"I'm, uh," Nathan starts and stands up. "I'm just gonna see what you guys have in the fridge. I'll be back in a minute, Gee."

"Don't..."

But he's gone. I shift uncomfortably in my seat and pick at my lips. My family keeps yelling at me to stop, which I probably should. But I can't help it. It's a nervous tick.

"Listen, Gemma. I need you."

"You should..." I look up at the ceiling. Why can't I just actually talk to him?

The problem with Ryan is I could talk to him, but I don't want to. And there's the fact that I don't know how to. I guess it's just me being self-conscious. Tony, albeit annoying, is actually pretty cool. I'm not surprised he hit it off with Ryan. And that he's pretty well-known in school. He's smart and funny and not terrible looking (which feels very weird for me to say, for the record). But I'm just...none of those things.

Okay, yes, I'm smart. But not cute smart. Freaky smart. And guys don't like that. It takes away their power or something like that. And I'm not really that pretty. My skin isn't terrible, my hair is a decent length, and I have pretty straight teeth. I guess what I'm saying is I'm not ugly or anything. I'm just basic. Guys like Ryan notice drop-dead gorgeous girls. And I'm not that.

"I should what?"

I take a deep breath and look at Ryan. With the sun shining through my window, it's the first time I notice the freckles that lightly scatter his face. His blue eyes are piercing.

"You should ask Mrs. White for a new tutor because I'm not tutoring you. I can't. And I won't. So just ask her for a new tutor. Tell her I'm busy or something. Or be honest and say I don't want to tutor you. I couldn't care less."

Ryan looks at me, mouth open, eyebrows raised.

I clear my throat and nod. "Now, if you'd be so kind as to leave my room, that would be great."

Without another word, he gets up and silently makes his way out of my room and down the hall. I didn't even realize I was holding my breath until my lungs began to ache. Instead of slowly letting out my breath, it comes out in a sort of puff. As if I had just walked past Tony's room on laundry day.

"I thought you couldn't say no," Nathan says, walking back into my room. He holds two mugs of steaming coffee and slices of German Chocolate cake.

"Yeah, well, the idea of tutoring him for who knows how long made me feel sick to my stomach."

I grab a plate of cake from Nathan and stab it with my fork. The plastic slides into the fluffy baked good easily.

"Yeah, right."

I look up at Nathan, startled.

"What?"

"Gee," he says, putting his cake down on my bed. He looks at me with the ghost of a smile. "I've known you for almost seventeen years. I know when you have feelings for someone. It's so blatantly obvious."

"WHAT?" I laugh nervously and look away from him, feeling my cheeks flush. "That's a load of crap, and you know it."

"I'm serious."

"I do not like Ryan Davis. I don't. I can't."

"You know..." Nathan takes a bite of the cake. "Saying you can't is just another form of admitting the truth subconsciously."

"Listen, Nathan." I lean forward. "I do not like Ryan, okay? And if I ever did, then Armageddon has started."

"That's another form of subconsciously—"

I pick up my pillow and whack him with it.

---

Sometime later, after Nathan had already left, there is a knock on my door. I'm sitting at my desk, a mug of hot chocolate somewhere under a mountain marshmallows beside me. I haven't even started to consider the topic for my English capstone project.

"It's open!" I yell. I take a sip of my drink, feeling warm chocolatey goodness glide down my throat, leaving a fuzzy feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"Hey, Gemma, you have a second?"

The fuzzy feeling dissipates. I spin around in my chair to find Ryan standing at the threshold of my room. Ryan smiles and looks down at the carpeted floor.

"You have, um," he stops and laughs a little. "You have marshmallows or whipped cream or something on your lips."

"Oh." I reach for a tissue from my bedside table and sheepishly wipe my mouth. "Um, thanks. I guess."

"Any time."

He leans against the banister, hands shoved in his front jean's pockets, eyes roaming my decorated walls. Somehow, I feel very exposed as Ryan looks at my old family pictures. There are even a few, actually more than a few photos of Nathan and I as kids. When his eyes land on the one of Nathan and me at the school dance, I clear my throat.

"I already told you where I stand on tutoring you."

Ryan looks at me. Some sort of emotion flashes across his face, but I can't quite pinpoint what it is. Maybe sorrow? Guilt? Anger...?

"I get it," he says and cautiously takes a step into my room. "I really do. I've been nothing but horrible to you. And...and I'm sure I'm the last person you want to tutor. Or even talk to. Spend your extra time with. But, Gemma," he points to my bed and sits down after a few seconds. "I really really need your help. If I don't pass chem, then—"

"I know," I say accusatorially, "or you don't go to playoffs."

He shakes his head and rests his elbows on his knees, leaning forward. "No. I mean, yeah. We won't. But...if I don't pass chem, then I don't graduate."

I study him, actually look at him. My heart thumps in my chest. Its rhythm echoes in my ears. Ba-thump...ba-thump...ba-thump.

"Are you really at risk of failing?" I ask softly. I almost think I didn't say anything at all because of how quiet I am.

But he nods.

"Yeah, I'm really at risk."

My palms feel slick. I wipe them off on my jeans and nod.

"Okay..."

"Okay?"

I bite my bottom lip and roll my neck. Please don't make me regret this.

"Okay," I finally say after a beat. "Okay. I'll do it. I'll tutor you." Ryan's face lights up then almost melts with relief.

"But—" I start quickly, "we need some ground rules." I wait for any acknowledgment from Ryan. I settle with a nod.

"We go by my schedule. I already know when you have practice. Just to clarify, because of Nathan and Tony. Don't think I'm, like, obsessed with you or anything. I can barely tolerate you."

Ryan gives me a lopsided smile. "And here I thought you adored me."

I bark out with laughter. "Yeah, right. My schedule. Don't tell anyone I'm tutoring you. I just don't want the attention. Lastly—" I stare at him for as long as I possibly can without feeling weird. "Lastly, if you are rude to me in any way—and that includes class and outside of class, at practice, during lunch, anywhere, whether I am there or not—you will need to find a new tutor. Got it?"

Ryan nods and gives me a salute. "Yes, s—uh, ma—Gemma."

I roll my eyes and turn my chair back around. "Friday, five o'clock. Got it?"

"Actually, I have a par—" I fix Ryan with a glare. He swallows then nods. "Yeah, five. Sounds good."

I smile. "Great. I'll create a study guide for you then. Make sure you bring your notebook and last test, too."