" The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them "

*

Thomas Merton *

Four hours had passed, but it seemed like ages. Which bride would wish to be kept alone after her nikkah at her own house, without the rukhsati being held? Was that a wrong decision of telling him, that I'm a divorcée? I flushed back hot tears, drinking in the pain while doing so. It's hard to cry but it's harder trying not to.

Azfar's mum was a very kind lady. Ms. Sakeena. She was a divorcée too. I don't know why she began treating me as her daughter and had made me lay down since past two hours, as the remaining two I had spent in agonizing the time that it was against me.

She told me about her past, about her broken marriage, about the man who betrayed them , the way she was left all alone when Azfar was quite young to even know the meaning of the phrase 'getting separated '. Hearing out her seemed as if I'm listening to my own story, though honestly I never knew the reason why Farhaan betrayed me. He never gave any explanations. What a cruel day it is, nostalgia and longings.

She made a carrot soup for me and asked me to drink it, that was really disgusting as I didn't like carrots much. It tasted bitter. Or maybe I was the one bitter.

Nearly 6:00 pm, I had finished my soup and had began rummaging across my room impatiently shifting one foot from the other to maintain a steady pace. I was bad at counting time.

What takes you so long to choose about me Azfar? I was angry and mad at him, and at the same time I was feeling like a fool to have let him know everything the same day of my wedding.

A phone call interrupted my pace, and I stopped to look at his mum who was smiling while on call. Should I expect this to be Azfar?

I was looking at her with pleading eyes, cleanly evident from my low hung face to give me any hint about who the person was.

" Okay beta, yes we're coming. "

She hanged up the call and then turned towards me.

" Zahra bitya ( endearment for daughter ) you can smile like the Cheshire cat now, Azfar has asked you to bring to our home. It's time for your rukhsati. "

Again tears welled up my eyes, but this time I let them fall. I had no one to bid goodbyes to, except this home. It mostly had wild haunted memories but it definitely had some sweet ones too. And I had thought Azfar would be the one bringing my baraat ( arrival of the bridegroom in a special event )  at my place. I thought my prince charming would ride a horse and take his princess to his home.

I remembered the rhyme we used to sing back at school, though it was old in times but rhymes are never old, that life can just be a pleasant dream but the reality is am antonym to it.

* Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily... Life is but a dream *

" What're you thinking Bitya? Pls go and change your dress. I've prepared your clothing and accessories in your room. Take your hassle-free time. It's now his turn to wait and go mad. "

She winked at me and I was analysing her sweetness. Will she be the same? I never trusted sugarcoated people, because they dissolve the sugar in the air, once they feel they should take off their masks. Like my mom... Stepmom..

I was happy for this moment which had finally arrived, though I didn't want him to suffer the madness as much as I did but it was fair enough to cause flames in the heart at both side. Afterall everything was fair in love and war.

As soon as I reached my room, darkness welcomed me inside. But I remembered keeping the lights on while moving out previously. Strange. Well, I might've turned that off. Not that strange. Two hands grabbed me inside locking the door fastly. One hand was gripping my hair like I was an animal, and the other kept at my mouth to prevent me from screaming.

' Aa.. az.. Aazvar '

I managed to mumble, but somewhere something had to be wrong. Because it was me. So I was bound to be labelled Ill-fated.

" Tch tch. Why are you in such a hurry to meet your husband? When you already have your ex following you like a dog everywhere. I can make love to you tonight, like every night I used to touch you.. Here... And here... "

He took his hand to twist one of mine to my back, making me moan in pain. The other one he lustily roamed over my body, with his filthy hands.

I wish I could cry, where are you Azfar?

" I'm not keen to touch or look over your sagging breasts or the loose skin near your belly or the mole behind at your back exactly just above your hips and your flabby thighs... You're just gross! "

He slapped me with an extremeness, after playing the shaitan he was.

" I told you to do as I said, but you? You try to be over efficient, didn't you think once I might've hacked your phone and got tracing your details. I just asked you to pay the amount and free your twins. They're ugly as you're. Unbearable sight to stand. "

" Oh yes and I've a baby of my own with her. She's so beautiful. Let me show you. "

He reached his side pockets to take out the phone but then slided it back inside,

" Ahh I don't want to cast any evil eye on my beautiful daughter, specially if the eyes are yours. "

He was spitting venomously, now holding my arms with his nails digging deep inside my flesh.

' Farhaan it's hurting. What do you want? '

I heard the footsteps approaching near the door and was sure that it was aunty, but he pressed his hand over my mouth and made us hid beside the cupboard that stood almost next to the door.

" Zahra bitya, have you done? Oh why are the lights off? Zahra are you okay? "

She was a person who got tensed easily, and this situation of me disappearing suddenly made her panic. She loved her son so much, I wish I had such a mother.

She then switched off the lights back and scurried away the room, calling Azfar on her way down.

" I just want you to hand me over The Rehaan mansion back, you don't know a thing about your gentleman husband. He is worst than a b****** ! He betrayed me! "

I was sobbing, and trying to hold my runny nose from creating any worsened situation here.

' What did Azfar do to you? And... All above this, what did I do to you that you didn't even let me feed my children for 6 months? '

I was trying to figure it out, what was the actual problem... Was Azfar concealing some past from me?

" Azfar might be here any moment and I don't want to face that son of a b**** "

" Just don't forget if I don't get that mansion, I'll destroy everything. I'll burn down your home even before it is made and your twins, till now they're alive. Don't make me be a bad father "

He left me there crying ruthlessly, wiping the tear stains below my cheeks with the back of my hands and then soon heaviness consumed me inside, my eyelids were heavy, breathes were now uneven.

Soon, Footsteps again followed up to my room. I can feel everything, I wish death was easy.

" What happened Maa? Everything was fine when I had last conversation with you! "

" Beta, she... She is nowhere to be seen. I didn't see anyone barging inside our house, neither did she leave. But how is it possible that she was not there when I came up to check her? "

" Maa let me see. Can you pls wait outside? Pls don't stress yourself. I want you to be fine above all. Pls. "

And then Azfar entered inside, turning the lights on. I had hugged myself closer to my body,trying to keep my sobs lower than usual. But he had seen me through the mirror, and so I had no escape from him.

" Why are you hiding here? What happened Bellarina? "

He bent down on his knees to my level and raised his brows suspiciously, examining my gruesomeness.

" Azfar... Pls take me away from here... He'll destroy us... He'll kill my twins... I ... I feel so helpless... "

I felt easier to collapse in his arms rather than suffocating on my own breathes.

****

Abdullah ibn 'Amr ibn Al-'As (May Allah be pleased with them) narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:

“The world is but a (quick passing) enjoyment; and the best enjoyment of the world is (to have) a pious wife.” (Muslim)