Hinata had taken on another job. 

Not anything big, just one of his professors from the previous semester was getting a little overworked and had no TA, so he had told Hinata he would pay him if he helped grade papers and other menial things that he didn't have time for. Hinata had said yes, partly because he loved the professor, but also because Hinata wanted a reason to get out of the house. Sure, he could grade papers at home, but usually after class he would just go to a nearby coffee shop and work for a couple of hours. 

He told Kageyama it helped him focus, there were less distractions. 

He was being selfish, he knew that, but ever since the other night, Hinata hadn't been able to get away from his own thoughts, and it was even worse when he was around Kageyama. Kageyama seemed to have dropped the act mostly, and in return Hinata was trying to keep as much pressure off Kageyama as possible. He couldn't help but think that he was only causing more damage, though. He didn't know what to say and what not to say. 

And when he wasn't at home, he didn't need to think about that. 

So, Hinata rarely got home before 6. Kageyama almost always made dinner, and he was getting really good at cooking and said he didn't mind, but Hinata still felt bad. So he would wash the dishes and insist that he make breakfast in the morning. 

"You know, you don't have to be so obsessive about who cooks what and who washes dishes when, it all balances out eventually," Kageyama said that night. 

"I know." Hinata looked down in shame. Just another mistake on his part. "Yeah, I'm s-" He had to stop himself from apologizing. They had both agreed to stop, they didn't need to keep blaming each other or themselves for what was happening. "Yeah, okay. I just haven't been here all that much recently, and I don't want to leave everything up to you." 

"Yeah, but if you're really busy I want to make everything as easy as possible for you, okay Shoyo? I promise, I really don't mind," Kageyama leaned over and kissed Hinata on the cheek as he was scrubbing down the last plate. "Speaking of, you have been home a lot less recently. Is there anything I can do to help you?" 

"Just you being here is helping, Tobio," Hinata said. And it was the truth. No matter the inadequacy Hinata felt, it was nothing compared to when he didn't have Kageyama. Sometimes he had to remind himself of that. They were together, and that was the most important thing. 

"I know you wanted to make a little extra cash, but if the new gig is too much work I can ask my parents-"

"No," Hinata said sharply, then softened his tone, "That's really alright. Your parents do enough for us, plus I want to start adding more into savings. You know as well as I we can't be relying on your parents forever." 

"Yeah, I know. I just hate seeing you so stressed." Kageyama absentmindedly brushed his hand against Hinata's shirt sleeve.

"It's okay. Things will calm down eventually, trust me." Hinata smiled and took Kageyama's hand reassuringly. "Hey, I don't think I have anymore pressing work that needs to be done tonight, what do you say we watch a movie and just relax?"

"That sounds great." 

~

Kageyama was waiting on the couch when Hinata walked in with two bowls of ice cream. He picked an old favorite of theirs, Spirited Away, to watch. 

"Wait a second, I'm gonna change into more comfortable clothes," Kageyama said as Hinata set the bowls down of the coffee table. Kageyama disappeared into their bedroom and Hinata went into the bathroom to exchange his contacts for his simple circular-framed glasses. Kageyama liked to tell him he looked like Harry Potter with those glasses, and while Hinata agreed maybe they weren't the best for his face shape, they weren't that bad. 

Hinata poked his head into their room to see if Kageyama was ready. He caught a glimpse of his boyfriend changing, and when they made eye contact Kageyama's face flushed bright red. Hinata was about to ask what was wrong, it wasn't as if they hadn't seen each other in their underwear (and less) before, but then Hinata's eyes found their way to Kageyama's bare legs. But not quite bare. 

Cuts, some faded to scars, some obviously recent, littered Kageyama's thighs. He fumbled with his pajama pants and pulled them over his legs, but Hinata had seen enough. Hinata frantically searched his mind for the last time he had seen Kageyama naked, and he couldn't remember. He was usually in the kitchen when Kageyama was getting ready in the morning, and in the shower when he was changing at night. And it wasn't unusual for him to always be wearing long pants.

"Tobio..." Hinata had been blind. He had just assumed that Kageyama was getting better because there were no cuts on his arms, he hadn't even considered... How naïve could he have been? He should have noticed, he should have been able to see that something was wrong. 

He should have known. 

Kageyama just looked at the floor in shame. 

"Why... why didn't you tell me?" Hinata tried, but he couldn't stop the sob from slipping out at the end of his question. He had been holding back tears for so long and he couldn't keep them in this time. He furiously wiped his eyes, telling himself he shouldn't be the one crying, he wasn't the one who was so depressed he needed to fucking cut himself for a release. 

That only made him cry harder. 

"I'm sorry," he blubbered. "I'll calm down in a second-"

"No, please don't apologize, this isn't your fault." Kageyama was shaken out of his shock and he rushed towards his sobbing love. "I should have told you, I know. I just didn't want you to worry..." Kageyama's sentence trailed off when he realized that would have been better than what was currently happening. 

"Because you knew I would react like this!" Hinata spat. "Because you didn't want to deal with a boyfriend who can't hold himself together when it matters most and I don't blame you! I shouldn't be the one crying, I should be the one helping you! I haven't done anything right, I've just made everything worse!"

"Please, Shoyo, don't say that! I never said you weren't helping, much less made things worse! You're not doing anything wrong, this just can't be helped!" Kageyama grabbed Hinata's shoulders and tried to make eye contact. 

"Can't be helped?" Hinata yelled. "Then what am I supposed to do? Just sit around and wait until you try to kill yourself again? Just watch as you waste away, losing your will to live a little each day? I can't do that, Tobio! I have to do something, I can't not! I love you too much." As Hinata's body shook with sobs, Kageyama backed away out of shock. 

This was his fault. He was the one causing Hinata to feel like this, to feel helpless and inadequate. It was his fault Hinata was unhappy. He took a few unsteady steps backward, and Hinata finally looked up at him. 

"No, no, I didn't mean it like that. I-" Hinata paused as he swallowed another sob. "I just feel like I'm not doing anything, and I know you said that I'm doing enough, but I can't help but ask what's the point of me being here if I can't help you?" 

"Because I love you, Shoyo!" Kageyama's anger came bubbling to the surface as his voice shook with emotion. "And you love me! This doesn't have to define us! Our relationship doesn't revolve around you trying to make me better! I know this sucks and I know I'm hard to deal with but I am more than my depression! You're here because we both love each other and promised to be there for each other through anything! Just be there!" he shouted through his sobs. 

"But I can't! I can't just be there! I have to do some-"

"No! You don't! You have to just be there because that's the only thing that will help! There's nothing you can do! No matter how much you love me that won't make me happy again!"

A stunned silence fell between them. Hinata knew what Kageyama meant. He knew he didn't mean to hurt him. 

But the damage was done. 

Without saying anything, Hinata slowly turned around a started to walk out of the bedroom, his chest feeling like it was caving in on itself. That seemed to get Kageyama moving. 

"Shoyo, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it like that, you have to know that!" Hinata didn't respond. He trudged towards the door to their apartment.

"Please, Shoyo, listen to me. I love you, please!" Kageyama grabbed his shoulder, but Hinata shook his hand off. He grabbed his jacket off the coat rack. "What are you doing? Where are you going? Shoyo please, can we just talk?" 

"I just need some air, okay?" Hinata rasped, not making eye contact. He saw Kageyama's shoulders droop, defeated. 

"I'm sorry," he said, his voice breaking. With a sigh of defeat he said, "Don't be too long, okay?"

Hinata opened the door and left without a word. 

Sobs started to wrack Kageyama's body. He had ruined everything. He had scared off the person who loved him most by telling him that his love didn't matter. It was just like him, to do anything to keep himself from being happy. Except this time, it affected someone else as well. This time, he wasn't just hurting himself, he was hurting the one who was closest to his heart. 

Kageyama screamed in frustration. He walked over to the counter and picked up a glass half full of water. He squeezed it as hard as he could and finally just threw it to the ground with all his strength. 

Water and glass shattered across the room and Kageyama sunk to his knees, the pain of broken glass digging into his skin nothing compared to the pain in his heart.