"I was thinking about taking my classes online for the rest of the semester." Hinata looked up from his computer at his boyfriend who was reading a book across the table. "Maybe with a few less credits so the workload is less, but I would still like to feel like I'm moving forward."

"That's great!" Hinata said, and he really meant it. Something to do would be good for Kageyama. "Have you talked to the college at all?"

"Yeah, I emailed them earlier today and they said that online classes were an option, I just might have some makeup work to do for the time that I've been out," Kageyama said. "And once I get settled with that, I think I should get a job, but just something lowkey." Hinata furrowed his brow at this.

"Do you think you can handle that much stuff?" he asked, concerned.

"I'm not broken, you know. I can handle a job and a few online classes, just like any other normal person," Kageyama responded calmly. Hinata felt the blow in his chest and swallowed hard.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way..." he said, looking at the floor. Hinata could feel the blood rushing to his cheeks.

"I know you didn't. I just don't want people constantly checking in on me like I'm a child."

But isn't that my job?  Hinata thought.

"Where were you thinking about working?" Hinata said, swallowing his pride.

"I was thinking maybe the horticulture gardens. Honestly, I might just volunteer somewhere. Maybe the animal shelter? Just something relaxing that gets me out of the house," Kageyama said, brushing over the weird moment.

"Yeah, that'd be good. Speaking of, my shift starts soon so I think I'll be going," Hinata said, closing his laptop. This was Hinata's first shift since Kageyama had gotten back. He felt bad leaving Kageyama home alone for a long time, and he felt bad about feeling bad about that because he didn't want Kageyama to think that Hinata was being overprotective. He just couldn't help but worry sometimes.

"Oh, wait, one other thing." Kageyama swallowed like whatever he was about to say made him uncomfortable. "I think that I, ah, I might start with the medication," he said tentatively, almost as if he was asking Hinata's permission.

"That's good, if you think that will help," Hinata said, trying his best to sound supportive. In reality, he was hesitant about Kageyama starting on medication. He knew it was supposed to help, but he had heard too many stories of people becoming too dependent on them, and bad things happening when they tried to get off them. He just couldn't seem to get what happened to one of their old friends, Iwaizumi Hajime, out of his head. Frankly, he couldn't understand how Kageyama wasn't thinking about that either. Hinata just had to hope that Kageyama was stronger than that. "If you call the pharmacy, I'll pick them up whenever it's ready," he said with a smile.

"Okay, sounds good, I'll do that. I'll see you tonight, Shoyo." Hinata's shift lasted until 5. Five hours what what he needed to get through before he could come home. That would be fine. He would be fine.

"Love you," Hinata said, kissing his boyfriend on the cheek.

"Love you, too."

~~~~~~~

Five hours. That's how long Hinata would be gone.

Kageyama let out a deep breath. He loved Hinata, he really did, and he was grateful for everything Hinata was doing, but he couldn't help but feel as if he had to act happy around the other boy. Hinata was trying so hard to help and Kageyama couldn't bear to see the twinge of sadness in Hinata's eyes whenever he could tell that Kageyama wasn't okay.

So, if Kageyama just never showed that, Hinata would be fine.

He knew that if Hinata knew what Kageyama was trying to do, he would be even more hurt. He would be hurt that Kageyama was still hiding his true feelings and would feel as if Kageyama didn't trust him. But that wasn't it at all. Kageyama just couldn't bear the idea of his sunshine being sad. He could not be the reason that the one light of his life was sad.

Kageyama itched for something to do. He could email the university about classes. He could call the pharmacy. He could look up job applications, but that was about it. He could clean, but the house was immaculate, in part due to Suga and Daichi, and also just the fact that neither of them had enough belongings to really make a mess. There wasn't anything he really wanted to watch on TV and he was almost done with his book.

Yeah, he needed to have something to do. Something to keep the intrusive thoughts away.

That's what he had labeled them. Intrusive thoughts. Not real thoughts. Nothing in those thoughts was real, he told himself.

He decided on going on a run. Get himself back into shape along with getting out of the house. That was a good plan, right?

So, Kageyama went out on a run. He was more out of shape than he had realized, which made since because he had been in the hospital for the past two weeks, but still. His heavy breathing had run his throat raw and his calves ached, but he couldn't stop. No, the only way to get in shape was to keep going. If he stopped now, he was weak. He wouldn't make any progress if he stopped now.

When he got back to the apartment, he felt more exhausted than he had felt in weeks, and it felt great. He took a quick shower, and saw that Hinata's shift would be over in about 45 minutes. How long had he been out?

Kageyama resolved to rest for a bit, then start making dinner. It was the least he could do. If Hinata was out taking classes and working to support them, at least he could make it pleasant for his boyfriend once he got home. Maybe after that they could even...

Kageyama drifted off into sleep, his muscles and chest aching with a dull pain that had lulled him into a stupor.

~~~~~~~

"Hey, sleeping beauty, it's time to get up," Hinata said in a sweet voice to his sleeping boyfriend, who was passed out on their couch in the living room.

"What time is it?" he mumbled, still mostly asleep.

"Ah, nearly 7:30."

"In the morning?" Kageyama asked, much more awake now.

"No silly, at night. Still, you've been asleep for a good 2 or 3 hours I'm guessing." Hinata set the plate down on their coffee table in front of Kageyama. He had made salad with grilled chicken.

"Ugh," Kageyama said, rubbing his eyes. "I was going to make dinner, and I fell asleep! Dammit..."

"Hey, it's okay! I can't be mad at you for just taking a nap! It was no big deal," Hinata said, kissing Kageyama's forehead and getting up to fetch his own plate.

"No, it's just that... Well, you've been doing so much, and I thought, since I'm at home all day anyway, I might as well help out and make dinner. With classes and work... you've already got so much on your mind." Kageyama left out the 'taking care of your depressed boyfriend' in that list of responsibilities. They both knew.

"Hey, well, you can just start tomorrow, alright? I don't want you stressing about me. If I get overwhelmed, I'll tell you, okay? Complete honesty," Hinata said with a soft smile. He sat down on the chair next to the couch and they ate in comfortable silence. Once they had both finished, Kageyama got up to take Hinata's plate.

"At least let me do the dishes."

"Oh, I have no complaints about that! So, what did you do today?"

"Well," Kageyama started, "I finished my book, and then I went on a run. I'm really out of shape, which is not surprising, so I think it'll be good if I get back into running. I ran for a while today, and when I got home I just passed out."

"Well I'm glad you got to get out! Staying cooped up in here isn't good for anyone," Hinata commented, acknowledging the lack of windows and natural light in their apartment.

"Yeah, and, well, running is a good, er, distractor," Kageyama said quietly.

"Hey, another positive for running. If you ever go in the mornings, I'll totally come with you. Once it gets later in the day it gets too hot for me," Hinata said with a laugh. Then, as he thought about it more, he added, "But if you want it to be your alone time that's cool, too. A time to get away, you know?"

"Yeah, I mean it's all about finding some kind of routine at this point, right?"

"Right."

Once Kageyama finished with the dishes, he walked back to the living room and sat down next to Hinata, who was now sitting cross-legged on the couch.

"Can I kiss you?" asked Kageyama. Hinata nodded slightly, and, ignoring the small tug in his gut, Kageyama slowly leaned forward and met Hinata's lips with his own. Hinata's weight shifted so now his legs were dangling off the couch and his torso was more turned to Kageyama. His arms snaked around the taller boy's waist as he leaned more into the kiss.

"I've missed this," Hinata said in a low voice in between kisses.

"Me too," Kageyama said, swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat.

After just a moment, Hinata's hands were pulling at the hem of Kageyama's shirt. Holding back a grimace, Kageyama pulled his own shirt up over his head, Hinata's soon to follow.

As Kageyama felt things getting more heated, he could sense Hinata's urge to go further. But the pressure on Kageyama's chest stopped him. He pulled away from Hinata, whom he was now on top of, breathing heavily.

"Hinata, I... Can we..." Kageyama shook his head, not being able to get the words out. Hinata cupped Kageyama's face in one hand.

"Do you want to stop?" Kageyama looked at his boyfriend's, sweet, understanding face, and slowly nodded. He looked away, embarrassed and trying to hold back tears that he could feel bubbling up. "Hey, that's okay, that's okay."

"I'm sorry, I'm just tired-"

"Hey, you don't have to apologize or make excuses to me. If you want to wait, we wait, simple as that," Hinata said, pulling Kageyama's face back to look at him.

"Thank you."

"We can just cuddle and watch a movie or something, alright?"

"Yeah, alright." Kageyama got up off of Hinata as the shorter boy sat up a little straighter and then laid back down, his head against Hinata's chest. Hinata wrapped his arms around Kageyama to grasp his hands, their entwined hands resting lightly on Kageyama's stomach.

Kageyama tried to ignore the guilt and the shame and just lie there, his breaths in sync with the one person who he couldn't bear to hurt any longer.