Chapter 49

Even though I made the choice to runaway, I wasn't being selfish about it.  It's either stay here and die or try to live.  That wasn't what scared me though.  It was the fact that if I didn't run, Luke would be stuck.  And I wanted what was best for him; he deserved it.

It was risky but if I was doing this, I knew well enough how upset Luke would be.  But it was for the best.  And that was what he needed to understand.

I was able to get back to my house as fast as I possibly could - it wasn't too far from the station.  I knew Clare was at work, Luke still trying to get Mark.... I had a large amount of time I knew. Just enough to get a few things and leave Luke a note. 

I got all the essentials I would need and threw them into a bag until it was crammed to the point where nothing else would fit.  Food, clothes, and money.  After that was covered in a short amount of time, I moved onto the thing I was anxious over the most: the note.  I loved this man so much, I just hope he understood after he reads this letter.

Dear Luke,

I've ran away from you enough times to know that you will try to come after me.  Because yes, Luke: I am leaving and running away even though I promised you I wouldn't.  But since I've promised you that, things have changed and for reason's you wont be able to understand, I must go.  And I ask with all that I have for you not to look for me.

I'm not good at this mushy-gushy shit but you need to know how much you mean to me.  You have helped me beyond anything I ever hoped from someone like you.  I'd be lying if I said this doesn't break my heart because it does.  I will miss you more than you know because you are the only one that really cares for me to the degree that you do.  I've never had a friend as true as you, as helpful and caring. Which is why I know how hard this will be for you.  You are in so much pain as it is, and especially now, this is the last thing you need.  But trust me: it's for the best.   Even more, no matter how much I wanted to help you bring Clare down, I can't.  My reason for leaving is more important.  Because soon, you will be free too.  You will find the evidence you need and I more than hope you will find the happiness you deserve later on. With a wife that isn't crazy and the possibility for a new start.  I really want that for you; with all my heart I know you deserve it. 

I need to tell you thank you.  For everything you have done for me to make my life better.  For showing me the life I could have had, for making me a better person.  I will never forget what you have done for me, what you have sacrificed, because you are the only person that ever has.  That's why this is hard; because I will never find a friend as beautiful as you are to me. 

Please don't think I wrote this letter to make you feel bad or for an unconscious way to tell you to come after me.  Because that is not the reason at all.  I wrote this letter because if I didn't, you would have tried to find me.  So I ask you, if you care, if you want what is best for the both of us, don't look for me.  I will be okay.  I promise.

Love, Albany

Surprisingly, it didn't take long to write.  Maybe because my hand was going so fast to keep up with my thoughts, maybe because I didn't need to think about what I had to write.  And now that I wrote it and had my things, it was time for me to go. 

I took the note I wrote for Luke and, with my bag over my shoulder, I walked out the front door.  I took a deep breath as I approached Luke's parked truck in the driveway.  I knew Clare never used his truck, would never go in there for any reason. 

I opened the driver's side door and quickly left the note on the seat of the truck.  I knew he would find the note soon enough and I just hoped he would forgive me.  I wanted him to understand.  And more than anything, I didn't want him to come after me. 

After I placed the letter on the seat, I slammed his door shut and soon, I was on my way.  And to who knows where.  A life worse than the one here.  Yes, I was sure.  Worse than how it was before Luke came into my life, probably not.  It would most likely be how it was before when I ran away and lived on streets for a year.  I have a sick feeling though that it would be even harder anyway for the fact that I have changed so much.  I knew what it was like to be happy, how to be nice, how to laugh for just the right to laugh. Now, I was going to a life where none of that existed.  And that was fine last time I lived on the streets, because I wasn't familiar with any of that.  But now, I knew it would be harder.  For the fact that I have changed.  Ever more for the fact that I was in love and I would never see him again, never look into his beautiful jade eyes.  I would have to fall asleep imagining him next to me, his eyes kind in mine and caressing, his protective presence around me.  That would be one of the illusions I would need to go on.  Because I knew I had to try to go on even if I barely had any hope.  Because I promised Luke I would be okay.  And I would be.  That promise was going to drive me.

***

I wasn't dumb enough to make the same mistake again.  I was following the train tracks out of town this time.  I didn't know where I was going but I knew it had to be rather far.  I hoped Luke wouldn't come looking for me but it was still a possibility.  If he did come searching for me, he would know I wouldn't stick around.  Oh no, he would broaden his search to the point where I might even have to leave the state to feel completely out of his range.

By the time night came, I was outside of town and that was my goal for at least the first night.  I slept in the woods, under the protection of nature.  Nobody would find me out here, I knew.  Though the woods kept me from being found, that didn't mean I wasn't a little uneasy at first.  After a couple months of living back in my house, with a nice bed, walls around me, this felt strange, being back to living under the sky and stars.  I loved nature.  But I was out in the open, laying on dirt, and it didn't feel right to fall asleep in such a dark woods with unknown noises.  However, I did and in the morning, I woke, ate a little, and was off again, walking.  I abandoned the tracks as my guide, going my own way, which I didn't know was where exactly.  But it didn't matter.  Just as long as I walked, didn't stop, and was getting away from home with every step. 

The next day went by the same, the night a little more comfortable.  That was what this was: just getting use to it and I'll be fine.  Well, that's what I needed to keep telling myself.  After two days passed, I was sick of thinking about the same thing.  Because that was all there was to do: think and think and think.  Walk and think and hope I wouldn't be found.  I didn't want to keep thinking about Luke and how much I missed him already.  It was quite pathetic what two days walking and thinking will do to you.  I didn't need to cry or even question myself on whether I should go back.  Because I knew, no matter how much harder this was becoming, that I needed to keep walking with no thought of going back.

My hair still tightly in a bun felt greasy, my body gross, and I could only imagine what I smelled like.  It's only been two days and I felt disgusting.  Yes, this was going to be hard.  I missed my bathroom and shower.  How did I manage going through this for a year?  Well, maybe because I was so desperate to leave, it was worth it.  Life at home with only Clare was worse than this.  But this time, I was leaving because I didn't have much of a choice.  Other than that, I loved being home with Luke - except with Clare around, it sucked.  But even when she was, she was cautious.  I actually felt somewhat safe and cared for with Luke around.  I think that's why this was so hard right now.

My thoughts wouldn't stop.  I wanted to know every second what Luke was thinking, what he was doing, how he was feeling.  Because I knew it was shitty.  I could only imagine what that poor man was going through and it made me sick to my stomach.  Not only was he already stressed, he found out Clare's true side.  Now, I run away.  I just hoped he would get over this.  I wasn't worth him worrying over.  Every other minute, my heart jumped at a possibility - did he tell Clare what he found out?  Was he looking for me?  Did he completely lose it and do something stupid?  Did he end up getting to Mark? I would never know and I eventually needed to accept that. 

However, I did find out.  Because of an unfortunate mistake I made.

For the third day, I woke in the woods at around noon if I had to guess.  But I didn't just naturally wake up.  I didn't wake from the sun shinning to pry my eyes open.  I didn't wake from the sound of a random noise in the woods.  Those were normal occurrences that I would have accepted as a possible way to relieve me from sleep.  This however, wasn't anything to expect coming from out in the middle of the woods.

It put me on alert instantly with just the feeling.  Because I rose from my deep oblivion by a movement.  A nudge again my shoulder, a little push. A force. A force against me where there shouldn't be anything waking me that wouldn't be natural in the woods.  More than that, it freaked me out even before I looked to see what it was.  I figured it was either a person or some animal.  But when I woke and jumped, startled, my eyes flying open, I saw in that second what caused me to wake.  

I gasped, looking to find the source of whatever woke me and it didn't take any less than a second.  Laying on the ground, I looked up to see a man standing over me. He had gently nudged me with his boot I realized and when I saw him towering over me, I instantly sat up.  

I didn't recognize him.  I was confused.  I didn't understand.  More than anything, I was already close to panicking.  This shouldn't be happening if I want to be free, this can't be happening. My plan was to not come into contact with many people and this was worse: the fact that this dude woke me told me my sleepy unusual state in the woods drew him to me.  Or so I though.  What made this so much worse, what made my stomach twist in small knots, were the details I took in of him.  Neck craning, I look over him and I identified him instantly.  The uniform, equipment, badge, the blank face, the stance....  He was a fucking cop.  That just figures, doesn't it?  

The police officer's arms were crossed, not looking too surprised to find a random girl sleeping in the woods. I wasn't sure what to make of this or why such a stone expression. 

"What are you doing sleeping out in the woods?  On private property?"

I couldn't answerer, I was so shocked at first.  I just continued to stare up at him, eyes wide.  He looked like a giant over me with me on the ground.  It went with the feeling that was growing inside of me, of feeling incredibly small and vulnerable, lost and caught at the same time. I learned that wasn't the case at all with his actual height.

All but flying birds singing, there was no sound between us as he stared down at me.  He had light blond hair but with olive skin, his eyes shield behind dark sunglasses.  Expressionless.  I didn't like it at all.  Cops always give off that sort of air, even Luke did when he first arrested me.  At least I could see his eyes though.  This dude hid his feelings, his weakness because a person's eyes is key to seeing their personality, who they are.  

"I...." I said, the letter slipping from my lips in attempt to say something, anything for an excuse when his words registered. I had nothing to defend myself with, no excuse because I didn't expect this.  "Sorry," I blurted out like an idiot.

The man raised his eyebrows but other than that, his face was blank, lips straight. "Did you run away from home?" He asked, voice light in a question, a note of wondering yet judgment.

"N-No, I'm not." My mind came up with an excuse and I hoped it would be good enough; I had nothing else besides the truth.  I sat up a bit more, fixing my stare on where I figured his were through the black shades over his eyes.  Keeping my voice level and calm, I spoke in a matter-of-fact tone.  "I'm actually out camping.  There is only a number of nice days left before autumn takes over. I wanted to camp one last time, enjoy nature."

Yeah, yeah I know how shitty of an excuse that was.  But hey, I had nothing else at the moment.  I watched as he pursed his lips, thinking over my words as he looked down at me.  He didn't believe me, I know he didn't.  Who the hell would? 

He finally removed his sun glasses to look at me, the blue digging into my light brown.  I was a little relieved, I didn't feel as vulnerable.

"You're camping," he stated, as if seeing how it sounded.  I woud think it would have sounded pretty funny from his view but I was contained in silence and fear.  I didn't want to go home, I couldn't do that. I could get killed and Luke wouldn't be able to be free of her.  "Not in a campground, not with anybody, not with much of any equipment.  And on someone else's property."

Oh yeah, when he said it like that, it sounded like the truest of all bullshit told.  I was so screwed.  I was fighting with myself whether I should just get up and run.  I nearly did when I realized something that made my heart beat harder, my chest jumping.  I now suddenly wished he hadn't taken his glasses off. 

I was Albany Higgins, one of the more recognizable faces around my home town and outside.  But that was just talking about normal regular citizens.  This guy was a cop.  If he does his job right, he should have recognized me the second he saw me.  I knew every cop close to my town - maybe even around the state - knew what I looked like.  I was famous as it was.  Now, I ran away again.  The police would be looking.  And now, one of them found me.  I found out it was from my own damn fault. 

"This is private property?" I asked, playing dumb.  I watched him carefully, ready to run any moment.  He didn't seem to have recognized me yet so I kept my place, knowing if I ran, it was natural for him to chase after me. 

"Yes.  The man that lives back in these woods," he said, glancing to the right and into the woods where  he was indicating that man lived.  I squinted my eyes and if he hadn't pointed it out, I wouldn't have been able to see a structure quite a ways back behind some trees.  It was hard to see now so there was no way I could have noticed it last night.  I looked back up at the man as he continued.  "He spotted you walking through last night and called us this morning to check up on things."

Of course.  The place I decide to sleep just happens to be on the private property of some paranoid jerk.  

"I didn't know!" I blurted out, becoming more nervous by the second. I instantly got to my feet and faced him.  I noticed just how tall he was now, and it was pretty funny.  He looked about the same age as Luke but had the height of a twelve year old; I was taller than him!  To be fair, he had a strong build and looked in shape but I wasn't as worried as before.  In fact, he was rather small, I figured I could outrun him.  After all, I got a good night's sleep, I was a fast runner in general, and this was the woods.  I loved nature and knew the texture of the ground like the back of my hand.  But before I just ran, I wanted to try to get away with just walking away and saying sorry and I didn't mean it, wont ever do it again.  "I'm sorry, I will leave right away." I said, picking up my bag and a few other things I took out - like my sweatpants I used as a pillow.  (Yeah.  Because everybody that goes camping uses their cloths as a pillow).  I swung my bag on my back and faced him again, not nearly as worried.  I became nervous with what he said next though.

He sighed.  "Well I can't let you do that, Miss. Higgins."

My eyes snapped to met his.  It was clear now that he knew me.  He knew this whole time it was me.  I was going to run. And I knew I could outrun him.  So naturally, the first words that came to my mouth: "Alright, look here copper," I groaned.  "How much will it take for you to walk away and report nothing happened, nobody was here, and let me go."  I could outrun him but it didn't mean I wanted to.  Because then he would report it and it was likely I would get caught later on with the police aware I was around here somewhere.  That was one more thing to worry about so running was the last option. 

He ignored my words.  "I'm sorry but you're step-father is going crazy and the sooner you're back, the sooner we will have him off our cases."

I felt a pain reach my stomach at hearing that, shivers running up me knowing Luke was doing whatever he could to find me.  I really hoped he wouldn't try to find me like I told him but who am I kidding, it's Luke.  I felt so incredibly sorry for him to have to go through this.  I just wanted him to be free but he wouldn't have it; hell, he probably didn't even realize what would end up happening if I come home: he would be stuck.  

Looking back into the officer's eyes, I groaned.  "So 700 dollars isn't enough for you to have not seen anything?"  That was all the money I brought (stole from Luke) but it would be worth giving up if it meant not going back home.

 His straight lips finally broke that stance.  He smirked down at me and his eyes were slightly amused. "Sorry but no.  You need to come with me," he said, serious now.  He tried to grasp my arm or guide me but I wasn't going back unless I'm forced.  So I would have to run.  

I wasn't worried about getting caught by this little man.  He was so short, I was surprised they allowed the guy to be a cop.  I wasn't judging him people; just saying I wasn't scared of him catching me.  I figured it would take a bit to lose him out in the woods but I was confident.  I mean, how hard could it be to lose a midget on my tracks? No, I wasn't going to let him catch me. 

***

I was sitting in the back of the guy's police car, handcuffed and pissed that he caught me.  How did he catch me?  What was worse was it didn't even take him long to get to me.  I guess it was my own fault for being so stupid.  I should have figured that since he is a cop, of course he would get me.  He's had training and just because he was a little shorter than me didn't mean shit.  What he lacked in tallness he made up for in strength and speed.  

I tried regaining my dignity mentally all the way to the police station.  As he was driving, I recognized this town and some of the buildings.  I went through this town before; it was where I spent my first few nights after I ran away the first time.  Except, unlike now, I didn't get caught.  I guessed it was a few hours from home when driving.  I went the distance I expected and was happy I went this far.  I was disappointed my journey ends here.

It was actually quite embarrassing.  You'd figure after how many escape attempts and a full year living on my own, avoiding cops and recognition from people, I would be somewhat of a pro at this.  Of course not, I just got caught again.  It wasn't by Luke this time - which I was happy about.  If Luke found me... I wouldn't be able to imagine how he would have reacted when finding me.  Well, I guess I would be finding out soon enough because though he didn't find me, he was coming to get me.  Lord knows what he will do when he takes me home.  He's been through too much for one guy to handle and in such a short amount of time.  I wasn't looking forward to seeing him, seeing his pain, and seeing how much of it I caused him. 

When we got to the the station, it felt like Deja-vu.  He escorted me inside and straight into a cell where I was to wait until someone came and got me.  And I knew that whoever it was wasn't going to be Clare or Francis.  It would be a very upset Luke. 

I was anxious.  I was scared.  Most of all, I didn't want to face a man I never expected to see again.  I didn't want to show my face to someone I hurt so much.  I left that note for a reason and it was to keep him away.  Yet, he's on his way right now.  I was pissed at him for that and at the same time, mad at myself.  I didn't want to cause him so much pain but that pain would have been the start of a new beginning for him.  I thought it would be good, for the both of us.  Yet he didn't even think for a second of listening to what I had to say.  No, he had to do the narrow-minded thing, to come after me because it was the right thing to do.

I sat in that cell with nothing to do but wait.  It was terrible because my thoughts were out of control.  I was trying to figure out what I was going to say to him when he showed up and took me home.  Hell, would we even go back to our house?  I didn't know because I would understand if we didn't; he might have revealed he knew the truth to Clare - which was what I guessed he would do and that's why I ran.  I wasn't sure if I could say anything really.  I said everything I needed to in that letter and he ignored it all.  I shouldn't have to say a word to him.  And though he doesn't deserve my notice at the moment, all I wanted to do was comfort him.  There  was going to be a bipolar-awkwardness between us because though I longer to comfort him and I shouldn't, he would pissed off enough too.  Conclusion: a very interesting night ahead for us. 

And yes, that's right: night.  I sat there for who knows how many hours more before Luke showed up later that evening (I had to guess that it was a longer ride to get to this town than I thought it would be). And when I watched him come into my sight, separated by the bars of the cell... I felt so ashamed of myself for the pain I caused him. 

Luke's eyes were tired, his face pained.  But I mean his beautiful eyes... they lost the light it seemed, so hopeless, so... broken.  One word to describe him would be that, broken.  I watched his lips part in a sigh, his chest raising when his eyes fell on me.  He gasped, so relived.  He closed his eyes for a moment, taking a hard and shaky breath.  I swear, I hated myself for how much I have hurt him.  I couldn't bring myself to care for the reasons I ran, if they made sense, and even if it would have been for the best... his pain he was suffering now wasn't worth it.  I fully expected more anger than he was showing now.  Instead, he looked ready to have a meltdown that very moment. 

He was a mess.  His hair was in every direction, his face pale, he looked like he hadn't slept in two days, his eyes red and watery.  He was shaking, his lips parted in deep breaths he seemed desperate to take.  I looked him over and noticed he was wearing a white muscle shirt and supported a pair of blue jeans.

He grasped onto the bar of the cell, as if needing support.  He leaned against it with his whole body, somewhat out of it it seemed.  All he could do... was stare at me, straight throw my eyes and deep into my pounding heart.  He appeared lost, gone in everything except me.  I read his face and that's all that mattered to him at that moment: me.  I mattered and I felt myself shudder in sparks and shivers, staring right back at the man I loved.

I felt the need to look away, to not let him make me feel so vulnerable with those piercing eyes but I couldn't handle it.  I Even though it was painful at the same time, I couldn't look away; I loved the way he was looking at me, with new eyes for me and I wasn't sure what it meant.  

I noticed one of the other cops at the station come into sight.  He walked up to Luke with a clipboard and offered it to him, gesturing for him to take it.  But Luke didn't even notice him, didn't glance to him, didn't realize someone was trying to communicate with him that he needed to take the board and sign the papers on it for me to be released.  His eyes never dared to leave mine, so far deep into his mind, into my eyes, he didn't even hear the man when he spoke to get his attention.

After a few more seconds, his ears seemed to register what the man said and he broke eye contact, looking to the man with wide eyes.  He nodded in understanding and took the clip board, signing it before giving it back to him.  I watched as the officer proceeded to open my cell door and gestured for me to leave.  

Stiff from sitting there all day, I stood up and walked out, glancing to Luke after the man walked away.  I think it was an easier procedure because they probably all knew who he was.  Now all there was to do was face him and go wherever we must go if not home.  

Standing before him, closer now, his eyes fell into mine, with so much pain, I could barely stand it.  His eyebrows dipped in concentration, he took a shaky breath.  Despite spending all day in that cell thinking about what to say to him, I wasn't sure where to start or even what to say.  The silence grew and I couldn't take his eyes any longer.  I glanced down and away from him but after a few moments, I looked back up at him and his eyes were already trained on me.  After another tense second of silence,  he glanced down himself, so hurt as he closed his eyes again, shaking his head.  In the next second, h I watched as he turned away from me and started to walk towards the entrance of the building.  Watching his retreating form, I knew better than to not follow in silence.  

It was the longest ride home I ever endured but I was sure it was because of the amount of tension in the truck.  Yes, we were in his truck.  And that meant he got the letter and read it.  Glancing over at him, his expression blank the whole time, I still couldn't help but feel both anger and sorrow for him.  We didn't speak a word to each other this whole time.  Not one word.  Not until I realized where Luke was driving.

"We are going to our house?"

He glanced over to me, his eyes droopy and tired and yet, still full of fire when his gaze met mine for that small minute.  He was silent for a bit after he turned back and focused on the road our house was on.  I didn't think he was going to answer me but he did.  "Yes," he answered in a raspy voice.  "Clare's staying with a friend."

"Oh," I said, nodding, not sure what to think of that.  It was quite a shock really.  First of all, why would Clare be staying with a friend?  I mean, I figured that Luke would have left her after telling her the truth.  

He continued though, clearing a few things up that were obviously essential for me to know - otherwise, I doubt he would bother talking to me.  

"I didn't tell her.  She doesn't know I know.  She just agreed to stay somewhere else for the night since we stayed at my parents house the other night.  She assumed I'm still just simply upset with her."

I raised my eyebrows at him.  I was shocked - absolutely shocked - he didn't end up confronting her.  While I let that process, I watched him pull into our driveway.  Home sweet home again, after planning to leave it behind for a second time.  It sickened me to my core.  

"Why didn't you tell her?"

"I don't know," he said, tightly.  "Maybe because I had other things to worry about at the moment.  I didn't want to deal with her and said it was fine to just go to a friends house.  Even if I wanted to beat her within an inch of her life, I didn't.  Nope." He said in a lighter voice, one on edge and I wouldn't dare respond to him.  

We got out of his truck and towing my bag, I walked through the front door with him.  The dark house came to life with the flick of the switch.  This was when I started to carefully watch Luke.  He was going to do something and I knew it.  He was going to blow up at me, trash the house again, or something worse.  He wasn't calm, he wasn't at all happy, and he wasn't talking yet.  I just wanted to avoid him but for some reason, I didn't think that would be such a good idea.  But after three days of sleeping in dirt, I would risk it.  

"Hey Luke," I said, setting my bag down on the floor.  He turned and stared me down, daring me to go on.  To speak to him.  I took an uneven breath, looking away from his gaze.  "Uh, I'm going to take a shower." I said quietly

He thought it over for a minute and for that second, his thoughts seemed distracted, vulnerable before I watched his cheeks heat and he looked down, scowling.  His eyes met mine in the next second and he told me in a low broken voice, "All the windows are locked.  I'll hear if you try to run again." 

I sighed, nodding and murmured as I headed towards the stairs, "I'm taking a shower, not leaving."  He knew I was smart enough to try to use the windows.  But I think he also knew I wouldn't dare after what I just put him through.  My heart still was twisting within me and I didn't understand it, why I was so conflicted.  I tried putting it out of my head with the thought of a nice warm shower.

It was like the first time I took a shower here after a year of being on my own on the streets.  It felt like heaven even if it's only been three days or so. I let it rinse me of the grease in my hair, the sweat on my body, and erase the dirt under my finger nails.  And though it felt like the greatest possible feeling, my mind was still on Luke.  I mean, of course, he was always on my mind but I can't imagine what he was thinking.  I knew he didn't hate me but I wouldn't blame him if he did after scaring him like that.  But like I said, I left a note and told him to not come after me.  Why was that such a hard thing to follow?  I caused every problem he was dealing with; he should have left some freedom after I was gone.

I took pleasure of the relaxing warm water pelting down on me for at least a good 40 minutes before I got out and wrapped a towel around my body and headed to my room to put on my pajamas. Over my panties, I slipped on a pair of red cotton shorts.  Over my bra, I put on the matching the white shirt, the design that of red little polka dots.  After that, I went back into the bathroom to blow dry my hair - something I usually don't do but it felt so nice, just the process of getting clean and putting on nice fresh clothes and drying my hair.

When I was all done, I hesitantly headed back down stairs to the smell of chicken frying.  I really felt bad now.  The guy just went through hell, he was pissed, and the last thing he needs to be doing is cooking me dinner.  Sighing, I walked towards the entrance of the kitchen and let my eyes fall on him.  

I saw the chicken was done along with the baked potatoes he managed to heat up I saw.  It seemed like too much.  There was nothing wrong with me making myself a sandwich or pizza rolls.  With it all done, I saw him sitting at the table, his head resting in his hand, propping it up with his elbow.  His hair and bangs were in his face, locks of beautiful chocolate covering the rich jade of his eyes.  My stomach twisted at how beautiful he was even when  he was hurt, beaten down, and in agony.  It made him that much more human, amazing and full of life.  

 His eyes found mine and his expression didn't change. I looked down and away, not knowing what to say so I didn't.  I made myself a plate and sat down at the table silently.  Glancing up to him while I ate, I saw he didn't move.  He juts sat there, in deep thought.  "Aren't you going to eat?" I asked him quietly.

His eyes lifted to me and in a flat voice, said, "No, I'm not hungry."

The rest of dinner went on silently like that.  Silence and tension - so much tension, it was so incredibly thick in the air.  I eyed him every few seconds, waiting for something.... He was going to do something or yell at me.  I knew it and was waiting.  But when I finished eating and watched as he started doing the dishes, I didn't expect what had happened.

I walked over to my bag that I planned to live out of for who knows how long.  Searching threw it, I glanced to him, his back still to me as he attended the dishes.  While I searched through my bag to find the money, I was trying to come up with a realistic way he would react.  I figured he would quietly accept the money back I stole from him (the 700 dollars) and let me be on my way to bed; scream at me some other time or tomorrow.  That wasn't the case. 

I walked up to him where he was facing the sink, face tilted down and eyes on the dishes he was drying.  When he saw me come up to him, I watched him slowly tense before he turned slightly, eyes thriving in pain, and faced me.  I raised the money in my hand and presented it for him to take.  "Here," I said, gesturing for him to take and he did, confused.  "I stole this before I left.  I know you probably want it back.  Sorry," I mumbled, eyes lowering and I turned away from him, showing him I didn't want an answer of any kind from him because I was too ashamed and also quite sure he wouldn't have given me one. 

Turning away, I walked towards the living room, planning to head up to bed.  But before I was able to leave the kitchen. his voice broke over the tension and it stirred something within me, a feeling, an emotion showing something besides pain in his voice: uneasy anger with the tone of his shaky voice. 

 "'For reason's you wont be able to understand,'" he said in a loud enough voice, I could tell those words were aimed at me.  I turned around and looked at him from across the kitchen.  His hands were in fists, one holding on tightly to the cash I handed him.  He was scowling, eyes burning in mine and body quivered in effect to the absolute tension and uneasiness between us.  

I didn't understand his words as I took them in and his stiff stance, facing each other from across the room.  Before I could ask what he was talking about, he made an abrupt movement.  Shaking hard, he then swung his hand off to the side and threw the money I gave him as hard as he could, the floating money flung all over the kitchen.  His eyes never left mine though and he approached me, slowly as he spoke. 

"Reasons I wont understand?" He gave a humorous chuckle.  "You fucking hypocrite, assuming I wouldn't understand shit when you think I care about my money!  I don't!  I fucking care about you!" He stood before me, a foot in front of me, eyes overwhelming as he glared at me, begging me and angry at the same time with those eyes.  I felt my breath pick up, my lips parted in surprised.  "You leave!  YOU RUN!  And what do I get?  A fucking letter that doesn't explain shit as to why you ran?  Asking me to not look for you!"  He gripped my arm hard, looking deeper into my heart through my eyes.  His voice cracked as he continued to yell at me. "Who the fuck do you think I am?!  You think I would leave you to run, let you go after all you've done to me?!"

He was screaming in my face and all I could do was take it.  I stared at him, processing his words and thinking through them.  I look a few breaths before I attempted an answer.  Because honestly, I wasn't sure how to answer.  I didn't consider any of what he said.  Reasons you wont be able to understand.... Those words in the letter I wrote him, I felt terrible.  I didn't explain to him anything, why I was running away to begin with.  I just told him to go and live on, get over me, and be happy.

"Luke I.... I didn't want--"

"Well you know what I didn't want?!" He cut me off, breath hot in my face, before I could finish what I wanted to say, his hand on my arm shaking.  His eyes were melting in mine and it hurt so much to see this, this passion flow from him in such great waves.  "I didn't want to come home to find a letter from you, saying you decided to leave and for no reason.   But I did.  You were the only person to trust, to care for, and I couldn't and didn't handle losing you. You just disappeared with plans to never come back - out of nowhere.   Do you know what that did to me Albany?  It burned and broke me!  It... killed me.  Especially now that I know you are the most strongest, most amazing woman I've ever met!"  He wasn't so much yelling any more; the last sentence was a whisper and it ignited a fire under my skin that lit my heart and overwhelmed my mind. 

I didn't know I hurt him so much. I knew he would be upset and extremely pained that I left.  But I just wasn't expecting that.  It made my eyes bound to his, so beautiful and so hurt.  I wanted him more than ever, seeing him so free to express, so human, and my breath wouldn't slow.  I wanted him.  Too much and he was so close, I didn't know how to handle it.  I felt the beat of my heart pick up and when his words stained me, I felt a pressure build in me, one that might threaten tears.  I loved him so much and yet, though trying to do the right thing, I ended up hurting him more than I could have imagined.

Silence.  My eyes rested on the floor and away from him; his eyes were too powerful and my need for him didn't help.  But I felt a light brush on my face and moaned as I realized it was the back of his hand.  He slid his soft hand down my cheek and under my chin, turning my head back up and forcing me to look him in  the eye.  

When I did, I felt a moan leave my lips and he was so close, I know he felt it against his own face. He was so close to me, so beautiful, and so damaged.  His eyebrows dipped in frustration and pain, his lips slightly parted and breathing hard like mine.  I wanted to fix him, just like he fixed me.  I wanted his pain to go away and for it to never return because he didn't deserve it.  I would have happily taken all his suffering from him if it meant he could be happy.  That was the whole point of running; for him to be free.  It was meant to be best for the both of us in the long run. 

"Why?" He whispered, so close to me. All I could do was take him in, lost forever in his heart filled eyes.  "Why?!  Why do you do these things to me?"

I felt myself shaking now, so close and still so far from him.  I felt my need to respond to him and I did as quickly as I could before he could go on.  "I don't understand.  What do I do to you?"

"Everything!  From the moment I arrested you, you slowly took everything I had like it was nothing, like you had the right to invade me.  So effortlessly, you took me over and ruined me!  And you know what the fucked up part of it is?  I want it, Albany.  I want you to be here to fuck me up and send me straight to hell.  Because I never felt so alive and so free before.  You breaking me like you do... I need it.  And the question remains: why?  Why?" He begged.  

I didn't know how to answer without breaking down myself.  I took deep shallow breaths, his hand over my cheek now stroking my skin, making me want to have him all to myself.  I wanted to hold him to me, let us support each other, and kiss his lips with all the love I had.  I couldn't answer; I would end up telling him everything.  That I ran because I wanted him to be free.  Because I love him.  I ran because I love you, Luke.

I tried to speak - I really did.  But nothing but hard breaths came and went as I stared up at him, so close.  I watched him slowly shed his mask fully before me, his breath picking up as he searched my face, waiting for an answer.  When I didn't, I felt his hand grip my arm more.  

"Why did you run, Albany?  Tell me why!" He growled, teeth clenched and face so desperate.

When I didn't, couldn't, answer him with any more than a shake of my head, he gripped my arm even harder, his other hand slipping down to my side. In the next second, he had me against the wall of the kitchen.  Luke's body had me pinned back against the wall, bound in his presence.  I gasped at the fast and rough movement when my back slammed into the wall but the next second, he cut my grunt off with his forceful lips.

He kissed me as hard as he dared, his hands moving to grasp both of my shoulders in a tight and hard brace.  I felt the force as he pressed me back into the wall, gripping me tightly as he pinned me with the mass of his body. And yes folks, you heard me right: he was kissing me.  I was so incredibly shocked, unsure if this was even happening.  I did nothing and couldn't because I couldn't process it yet.  It was too unbelievable, too crazy.  I didn't move, remaining as still as I could, frozen in pure shock.  

Luke was a man with a set of rules he followed, moral value and all that shit.  I was more than sure this violated at least a dozen.  Yet, he seemed so needy, so sure, and so wanting.  And I loved that, craved to feel that obsessive need flow from him and over me.  I wasn't going to protest even if I was frozen in place.  It just didn't seem possible, more like too good to be true.  I couldn't think of a good explanation.  So, what other choice did I have but to kiss him back with the same amount of passion he was releasing to me a second later?

I was bound against the wall but my lips were more than willing to fight back with him.  His hands resting on my arms slowly started to loosen, his large strong hands traveling down more until they rested on my sides, the contact alone between his hands and my hips enough to make me shiver in delight.  I moaned at the touch, the movement his hands made and couldn't help but slowly open my mouth, letting his tongue slip into my mine and devour me.  And oh, he tasted so good, so overwhelming, his scent, his hands on me.... Oh dear god, I wanted him and it was more than clear how much he wanted me. I needed him more than the air I breathed; I was addicted to him.  Right now, right this minute, I couldn't contain it any longer.

His lips were fierce, longing and I gave in happily, greedily.  I felt one of his hands slip behind my back and pulled us closer, together with my chest pressed against his.  He moaned loudly into my mouth as I felt his warm tongue start to search my mouth.  I started to do the same, pushing his lips open more and sliding my tongue to twine with his.  The hairs on my arms stood on end and I felt myself shudder when his hand slid up swiftly and grasped my hair tightly, moving deeper in my mouth as his hand on my back tightened. 

Oh god, he felt so good, so beautiful and so mine.  Such a wonderful illusion it was.  His lips were demanding and fast, his hands needy and immediately, my hands rose and wrapped around his neck.  I held myself against him as he did the same, accepting me in his arms as I did him.  His body radiated warmth and protection, his scent demanding my mind to spin.  I felt his hand that was on my back move quickly down to my thigh.  He gripped the bare skin there before sliding his fingers under and lifted my thigh up, guiding it to wrap around his torso which I happily did.  The next thing I knew, my other leg rose and twined around his body.  Shocked at how fast things were progressing between us (that they were progressing at all), I could feel the obsessive need he had in the way his heavy breathing through his nose brushed my skin.  He held me up in his arms, my back against the wall as we kissed as deeply as one would dare. 

My hands slid up, wrapping in his hair as I held him tightly to my lips, moaning and kissing him as passionately back as he was me.  Holding me in his arms, I felt him start to swiftly move with me and the next thing I knew, he was over me on the couch where he laid me down.  His body pressing down and on mine, I grunted in pleasure, my legs still wrapped around him; I wouldn't dare pry myself from such a being as beautiful as him.  

It was as if there wasn't enough lust to let out.  As if it were endless for how much his lips loved to move in mine, deeply and wanting with so much energy.  I loved it.  I wanted him more than ever and to feel his body pressed down and tightly, possessively over me... you can't imagine how much pleasure it brough me.  I searched his mouth as he did mine, his hands moving, one to cup my cheek and the other on my waist, holding me up and against him.  

Greedily, I felt him lightly nip at my bottom lip, his teeth grazing and making me groan.  I felt one of my hands slid down to his back more and all I could think was that we couldn't get any closer.  Luke proved me wrong when I felt his hands move to the hem of my shirt, pushing it up my body more with fast fingers, needy and wanting and though I still wasn't sure if this was actually happening, I wouldn't stop.  I wouldn't dare with how amazing this man felt, as if he was mine and as if this was right.

His lips detached from mine for no more than a second as I felt him lift up my shirt over my head and off, throwing it to the floor.  My skin exposed to the air and to him, he was back over me, kissing me and I never felt a man kiss me with so much passion.  So much want and so much power and greed. 

I was only in a bra.  Yet, I felt more than comfortable around him; I trusted him with my life and knew, even with Luke in such a bizarre state, that I didn't need to worry.  Especially when I wanted this just as much as he did, grabbing at each other and claiming with want.  I slid a hand up and under his muscle shirt, feeling the planes of his muscular chiseled chest while I kissed him.  He felt like magic, so real and so beautiful; my fingers slipping through the small hairs that his chest possessed, I felt him groan into my mouth as I ran my hand up and down his chest.  In return, his hand moved in my hair down to my bare back where he lightly let his fingers roam, his other hand resting against my breast, making me moan.  

It wasn't long before I managed to get his shirt off too and run my hands over his strong body, so powerful and it felt as if he were mine.  Oh how I wished he was mine.  In this moment though, I believed he was.  I was making him mine as each second passed it felt like and I never felt such a sensation of love fill me as it did now.  And as his body gave into me, let me kiss him and show my affection, I allowed him to do the same, to make me his in which ever way he wanted me.  This was a dream for me, one which I hoped I would never wake up from. And as things continued, it didn't look as if this dream would ever end and I welcomed that with open arms. 

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Wow, big chapter guys!  It's been quite a while since I wrote an intimate scene like that so a little unsure how I did.  Hope you liked it!  What do you think will happen next?  :)