Chapter 30

"I'm kind of surprised she's not coming with us," I said, glancing over to him before looking back out the windshield at the lengthy road ahead.  "I figured she would want to return to her natural habitat with how long she has been away."

He scoffed but didn't find it that humorous.  Maybe because I've been making cracks like that all day.  Could I help it if I'm excited today for where we were going?  Or even more excited Clare wasn't coming?  Luke wanted her to come I think because he was desperate to get closer to his wife too.  It was obvious they were growing apart and, like he said, he wasn't giving up.  However, Clare didn't want to go for some reason. I think Luke knows but I honestly couldn't care.  Hey, she wasn't going.  That was all that matters.

"How long is the ride there?" I asked as we turned onto the highway.  In the small space of his truck, we were crowded with how much we packed.  Well, most was strapped down in the back on the truck's bed but we were taking quite a bit for our trip. 

"A few hours I think," he said, glancing to me and smiling before looking back to the lanes ahead.  His hands gripping the wheel and eyes focused, I took that time to observe him out of the corner of my eyes.  He wore another one of his mussel shirts, this one a faded red and he was supported worn blue jeans to go with it.  His hair was messy as usual, the side of his face showing the end of his lips slightly tilted up.  "I've been there before," he went on.  "My dad and I use to go up there during the summer and we had the best time."

I chuckled.  "I can imagine.  You're dad is pretty awesome.  Hell, your whole family is amazing," I said, looking out the window at the passing cornfield and blue sky.  It felt strange, those words leaving my mouth.  It was kind of like a complement.  Or something positive that sounded weird leaving my lips.

"It appears like that, doesn't it?" he said.  I looked to him and saw a twinkle in his eye that told me there was more.  "Things have been hard in the past.  Francis just got out of some bad things and he still has trouble telling me everything.  Shannon can be a very cold person at times and sometimes, we don't hear from her in months.  And my dad is gone, a lot of the time."

"Why is he always gone?"

"Business.  You wonder why I have so much money?  His dad, my grandpa, died in a car accident and left us all of his money and property.  He was successful in life so we got it all and more.  On top of that, my dad is successful on his own.  He's at the top of a company that deals with entrepreneurship opportunities and other discoveries of new businesses with a lot of potential.  In fact, all of this together, is enough so Shannon, Francis, and I will never have to work.  All this money, it kind of makes us grow apart even more.  That's why I work as a cop; I want to be a normal guy that has what he earns from hard work."

I always did wonder how he was so rich.  Now I also knew why he still works.  I really admired that, that he had a job because he didn't want to have everything for nothing.  This world wasn't fair.  But when the opportunity came, he wanted to try to be as fair as he could. 

However, I didn't like the way he was trying to show his family life wasn't as good as I thought. I understood he said that not to hurt me.  He did it because he wanted to make things clear that he wasn't perfect with a perfect family.  I think he even told me this because he wanted to connect to me more because he recognized I didn't have a great family life or past either.  He was trying to compare and show he understood.  Yet, it pissed me off at the same time too. 

I scoffed lightly.  "Okay, so you're not as close as it seemed.  Now what, I'm suppose to see that we are more alike in that way?  Am I suppose to say, 'oh sorry you have such a shitty life?'" I was being unfair.  I just was unable to help myself.  I didn't look away from his frame - which stiffened from my words.  He was driving so he couldn't really look at me.  But his glance to me showed a shocked expression that also said I was taking it the wrong way.

"No, no wait, that's not--" he started but I cut him off.

"I get you didn't mean it in that way exactly.  But you still have no right to even think for a minute that that isn't a perfect family.  It is.  I know you are just trying to make me feel better.  But those are such small things.  Who are you to compare my family life to yours?  I would take your family as my own any day than the damn illusion of my mothers love and my life."

He sighed, his smile now gone.  Looking to me once more, I saw his eyebrows were dipped and he looked worried at me.  "Albany, I..." he looked back to the road, sighing again and pursed his lips.  "I've told you before that I understand you.  But I can't fully just because I realize how complicated your past is."

"No, I don't want you to think you understand or even have an opinion of my past."  I groaned.  It always annoyed the hell out of me that people had options of me.  I had nothing against people having opinions.  But when they don't know the truth about me, all of it, it hurts.  But even if I were to tell someone the whole truth, it wouldn't matter because they wouldn't see that as the truth when I am insane.  "You can't even begin to comprehend my past," I said, shaking my head.  We weren't exactly arguing but it was clear we disagreed and the air around us was becoming tense. 

Glaring out my window, silence started growing between us when he didn't answer at first.  Nothing but the sound of passing cars or the trucks hum.  When Luke did speak, I kept staring out my window.  It didn't mean I wasn't listening though.

"Well then why don't you start talking to me about it?  I wasn't trying to compare my life to yours exactly.  I just want you to know a little bit more about me."

I sighed, not figuring at first that that was the reason.  Trying to keep my pride, with a blank face, I looked towards him again.  Though he couldn't put his eyes on me, he would hopefully hear how strong my voice was.  "Well then I'm sorry I went at you for that.  But that aside, I don't see the point in talking about my past.  It's irrelevant, you wont believe me.  What's the point?"

"Well, since you think it means nothing to me, then what would it hurt?"

I groaned.  "Waste of my time.  And since you wouldn't believe me, even if I told you all of the truth, it wouldn't be the truth to you.  I have problems with people judging me because they do it under lies, which you must consider to be the truth."  I sighed.  "Just forget about it." I looked out at the lanes ahead of us with many cars.  My eyes up, I didn't see what he was doing until he was done.  I felt his hand rest over mine lightly from where it was resting on the seat in the middle between us.  Looking down, his strong hand slightly grasped out of comfort.  I loved his touch, his warm skin and strong hold.  Plus, it was out of comfort. 

Looking up at him, he wore a neutral face as his other hand remained on the wheel, face forward when he spoke.  "I doesn't matter whether I will believe it or not.  If you tell me anything, I will know it is reality to you.  Because to you, this really is happening in your head even if its not on the outside.  If you tell me about yourself or past, I will be able to make an opinion.  Not on what to believe really happened and what didn't.  But on you as a whole, on the strength you possess, and the personality you have.  I want to know what happened to you.  Because real reality or not, whatever you have to say, occurred in your brain and that's all I have to judge on, the truth you see it as."

I thought over his words.  I wasn't sure what to make of it.  It did make sense.  Putting aside that I am insane, he saw that whatever I see as the truth is real in my head.  He was just curious to know about what I believed happened.  Because then, if I tell him what I believe, he will see it through my eyes.  No matter what I say, he knows its real to me and therefore knows it is also the truth in my brain. I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell him though.  I never really spoke of my past after a while because nobody cared or believed what I was saying. 

But what he was offering, it didn't matter.  He would only recognize that it was the truth because to me, it was. 

"I don't know.  It would be nice to receive a fair judgment of who I am personally beyond whether I am insane or not.  I just never bothered before because that is all that ever mattered: that it was all lies anyway."

"But even if they aren't true, whatever you have to say, it wont matter.  I just want to know what you think happened.  Maybe I will be able to understand your actions around Clare more if you tell me how bad she was with you in your past.  And when I say that, know I am not accepting these as facts but rather what you see it as.  If you say she beats you, that is what happened in your mind.  Okay?" he said, pushing.

I paused before going on.  His hand was still over mine and I realized that it gripped mine harder at persisting.  "And if I tell you anything, I want to know more about you," I said.  I phrased it as if that were, in some ways, a deal.  All that did though was cover my true curiosity and therefore embarrassment because I was truly interested in him too. 

He smiled and nodded, glancing back to me.  "Sounds fair."

"But not right now," I said.  "I'm really excited right now, going on this trip and the last thing I want is bringing both our moods down at talking about my past.  I know how interesting I am and amazing I am to you, but lets wait until later, alright?"

He laughed.  "Okay then."

Changing the subject, I said, "So we can start with the small shit.  Like what station is pop on the radio?" I asked, smirking.  The radio wasn't on but I wanted to change that.  I've never gone on long trips before like this so I was looking forward to music.

I could just tell he rolled his eyes before he spoke.  "Can't we listen to country?" he whinnied.

"Hell no man!  I put up with that shit-dropping shit before.  Yours ears would thank you for some pop," I said.  He sighed even though a smile remained on his face.  Reaching between us, he put the radio on and was able to find the station I wanted.  It was in the middle of a song I hadn't heard before but I could tell it was pop.

"Oh god," he shook his head with a disgusted look on his face.  "This is awful music."

"Bitch, you can deal with it," I said with over attitude that made him laugh and glance to me.  Both of his hands were back on the wheel but when his eyes reached mine, I couldn't have asked for more of an intimate moment.  Sure, I bet it was only one way for me but it sent sparks up my arms and I could feel myself slightly blush by the time he was looking at the road again.  Damn, though I enjoyed how close I became to him, I hated how open my reactions were becoming. 

***

A few house later, we took an exit that had eventually lead us down dirt roads with nothing but trees.  There seemed to be nothing out here.  It reminded me of where he took me before to go swimming.  Throughout the whole car ride, we were listening to my music but now, he turned it off and said we were getting close.

"Are we going to an actual campground?" I asked.

He shook his head, his hair blowing in the breeze as was mine from the open windows.  Most of the ride, they were shut with the air conditioner on but now that there was literally no cars around and we were going much slower, he shut it off and opened the windows. The loud noise of the tires on dirt road were surprisingly relaxing.  As was the sight of him.

"No way," he said, smiling.  "The reason we are here is to get away from everyone, including the press. I didn't want to take any chances."

That shouldn't have been too surprising.  A few days ago, he nearly punched some dude in the face that was at our house to harass me.  He was sick of all the attention and couldn't stand some of the news headlines.  Of course, between the two of us, he was more easily provoked by the public because he wasn't use to it and it really upset him.  But it was getting to me to.  My whole life, it was spent with harassment because I was always known as the insane local.  But that's how it was forever so nothing was ever new.  But with being found, that caused for a much larger case of chaos and apparently a longer one that was becoming annoying.  We needed a break and one with no exceptions.  That must mean we are going way out where there is nobody.  Hell, I can't complain.  A couple days alone with Luke... well, you get the picture on how I came to be excited.

A few minutes later, the road somewhat faded I guess you could say.  The trees were becoming more and more crowded and when it was too much, he stopped the truck.  We were so far back in the woods, I was already seeing a complected exit back home ahead.  But who cares about that now? 

We walked a little through the woods together until it opened up a bit more.  But when he stopped besides me, I did as well from the sight.  It reminded me of where he took me swimming.  Except there was more room here.  All around us, there were trees everywhere.  But in this specific spot, it was mostly open.  Long green grasses up to our ankles stopped growing where there was a home made fire pit in the middle.  Stones set in a circle and molded to the earth with age, in the middle lay remains of ashes.  A few yards away, a beautiful lake even sat that was like the other.  Only there was less trees and more room. 

"Is this where we set up?" I asked, glancing up to him.

He nodded and smiled.  It was still quite early in the day so by the time we were done, the sun was still high in the sky. We brought one tent and set it up a few feet away from the fire pit.  The screen door faced the open water in the distance and it took a while to set up because I didn't know what I was doing.  After that, we set up our sleeping bags in the tent which I saw to my delight were closer than I thought they would be since it was a rather large tent.  There was a little section in the tent dedicated to our bags too. 

To our convenience, there was a fallen log a few yards away laying on the ground.  We ended up bringing it back and a few feet away from where we would have our fires.  It would act as our seats.  Comfortable?  Maybe not but that made it even better.  I knew camping meant getting dirty and being uncomfortable which was fine.  Though I could have done without the portable toilet.  Disgusting, yes.  But we would have to deal with it.  At least we have a lot of food in the couple of coolers we brought, which we set beside the log where we would sit. 

We made constant trips back and forth from where we settled to the truck.  Luke even brought some chopped up wood with an axe in case we needed more.  He made a large stack against a tree and when done, he was quick to unfold a small table that took up barely any room.  He set the radio on it he brought and turned it on the country station and it was surprisingly not just static.  Too bad too considering it was country. 

A little while later, and we were finished.  He sighed, placing his hands on his hips as he took in our work.  "We did a good job and in good time."

I scoffed.  "You did.  I didn't do anything because I didn't know exactly what to do."  I wiped a bead of sweat away from my face as I took in his form.  Even a few yards away from me, I could still see the sun light up the slight coat of sweat on him.  Trust me, all it was for me was torture. 

"I figured you would know what to do.  You are an outdoor girl, I can tell."

"That doesn't mean I have ever been camping," I said.

I saw his eyes widen and watched as something crossed his face, like he realized something.  I knew what too when he spoke and the way his voice wavered in the air between us.  Our conversation earlier was what he recalled.  Now, he wanted to know.  Luke was interested in why I have never been camping, what help me back, or whether I even wanted to.  I was still a little cautious in answering some of his questions.  But I at least needed to hear what they were first.  This would be interesting.

***

We were walking through the beautiful woods.  Surprisingly for Ohio, it wasn't just brush and dirt.  Our shoes walked on the patted long grass around the trees. A soft breeze swept along our skin the whole time and it was nice as it relieved us of our own sweat.  Walking, side by side, it was rather nice.  The walk and experiencing the woods, that is.  I still wasn't sure what to make of the questions he was asking me now.

"Why do you think Clare hates you?  I want to know why you think that all started."

I sighed.  Not too bad, right?  "She and my dad were together where she had me.  She even loved me then.  But when my dad left very early, she couldn't stand me.  She hated my father with a passion.  And because I apparently look just like him, she couldn't stand the sight of me.  Being on her own, she wanted nothing to do with me.  Him leaving took all the fun out of parenting for her.  Maybe because she loved him so much at first, she didn't want to deal with me."

He nodded, seeing that as an understanding reason.  He didn't believe it and I knew that.  He couldn't.  But he just wanted to know more behind my thought process and me as a person.  I honestly kind of liked it.  I never spoke to anyone on a personal level like this. I really never had a conversation about myself before.  Even with the people I hung out with before, we didn't talked about ourselves much and when we did, it wasn't really sincere. 

"Did your father ever come back?" he asked, a little quieter this time.

I shook my head.  "No.  I honestly don't care though.  He's kind of the cause of my fucked up life you think about it."

"Well since you grew up with your mother hating you, did you raise yourself?" I liked the fact that he was asking me these questions as if he believed they were real.  But like he said, he was only looking at this through my eyes and saw it as the truth for now even if he didn't actually believe it.

"Pretty much. I mean, when really little and I didn't know anything, she kind of had to step in at some points.  Like getting dressed and showering since I was so young.  She wasn't too nice about it.  After that though, I was on my own.  I taught myself everything else.  There's a lot I still don't know that is common sense to some."

"Like what?" I took a deep breath and exhaled in relief of fresh air of nature. Though this was a heavy conversation, being out here in nature, it helped.  I was relaxed and surprisingly felt okay telling him these things. 

"Um," I bit my lip, trying to come up with an example.  "Okay, well, I never learned how to tie my shoes like everyone else.  I do it differently but it turns out the same.  Some thing goes for applying make up."  I blushed since this sounded really stupid.  "It took me until I was 7 years old to actually count as well.  Made elementary school that much worse than it already was.  She never taught me the basics.  Even later on, I struggled with shaving and still sometimes still do.  I find multiplication hard and sometimes, it takes a bit for me to count money.  I still get dimes and nickles mixed up and the values.  I mean, with no motivation through out elementary school, and not knowing better, I didn't bother much.  It also took me forever to know anything about sex.  She never talked to me about it, or anything for that matter.  But if you watch enough movies, read enough books, and listen to what some people say, you figure it out.  I also never had the opportunity to have fun outside of my house so I don't have the experiences most people have or skills."

Glancing up to him, his face was troubled.  His eyes low to the ground as we were walking, so were his eyebrows.  He looked upset but didn't show it other than that.  Not meeting my eyes as we walked on, he asked, "What do you mean by that?"

Looking down at where we stepped, I answered, side stepping a few fallen branches.  "I don't know how to ride a bike, I never have been on a boat, or really been anywhere.  There are so many things... I have never been to a school dance, or danced at all, I drove a car once or twice before but that's all.  I havn't really done any sports before, ever seen a show or play, or seen things as random as a fire in the fireplace, a performance on stage, or bird in a cage.  I've never even been introduced to childish stuff like sidewalk chalk, squirt guns, or any real toys. I haven't seen many movies, especially nothing when younger. This is also my first time camping too.  I also always here these stories, of people going out at night, having fun and trying to avoid trouble.  Being kids.  I never had that."

His eyes looked up and found mine, wider.  "Why?  Why not?" He sounded somewhat desperate to know, as if it were so ridiculous, what I said. 

I chuckled.  "I was never allowed."

"What do you mean?"

"Growing up, my job was to do whatever my mom said.  Meaning, I was inside my whole life, cooking her all her meals by the age of 8 it seemed.  Before that, I would simpler things for her.  She would make me go fetch whatever it was she was too lazy to get up at get.  She would always time me too.  If I didn't get whatever it was she wanted in such an impossible time, she would either hit me or make me skip eating.  I also kept the house spotless.  If there was an inch of dust found, it meant the belt in some cases.  That's how I kept busy.  Cleaning 24/7 because she was just so strict about it.  I bet you have noticed that, haven't you?" I glanced up to him in a smirk.  I took satisfaction in his wide eyes and now, his pale and colorless face at my words.  Something matched up it seemed.  "I'm sure it's just a coincidence that Clare just happened to always have that constant need for a clean house, right?"

He parted his lips, his pace slowing as he tried letting that sink in.  He didn't speak though, too cought off guard by that one.  But in the end, he would realize that it was just a coincidence.  So I went on, walking unconsciously while my mind remained buried in the past. 

"Anyway, I cleaned, cooked, did whatever she asked.  I did the laundry, the dishes, I even was made to paint the walls of the house before."  I paused, recalling something about that and wondering what his reaction would be this time to my words.  "Oh, and you can blame the splatter on the ceiling in my room on Clare.  She had me working day and night and I was so tired, I messed up and didn't even know that.  Clare really had my ass for that one."

His eyebrows rose in slight shock but he took a deep breath. Not much proof in that yet I felt it backed up my case a little.  Looking down, I saw Luke held his arms straight at his side, his shoulders stiff and his legs didn't even seemed relaxed as he walked.  He was tense and it was because of the terrible things he was hearing.  Even though he didn't believe it, it hurt him knowing that it was real to me. 

I stared up at him.  His eyes were ahead of him but they looked lost in space, in his thoughts.  Beyond him, I noticed the sky was dimming with the beautiful colors of peach and light pink.  Sighing, waiting for something from him, I finally was forced to speak when he didn't.

"Do you have another question?" I asked.  "Also, we should probably start heading back.  It will be dark soon."

That snapped him back and he stopped walking.  I stopped beside him and looked up at him.  His eyes were sad and deep in mine.  He opened his mouth, ready to say something but he shut it. struggling slightly.  He nodded after he ended up pursing his lips with a deep sigh.  "Uh, yeah lets start heading back.  I want to get a fire going."

Walking back, I noticed he didn't ask another question yet.  I think he was still just trying to process my words first.  So as we walked back, I came to the silent conclusion I enjoyed getting that off my chest.  Yeah, yeah, go to hell, I know it sounds girlie and weak.  But it was the truth, it was nice telling someone.  I was curious about what he thought of me now.  I would find out later though tonight.

***

We were sitting in front of the fire he had now started.  It wasn't completely dark yet but it would be in at least another fifteen minutes.  The crackles of the fire before me were fascinating as were the colors that burned within the bright licks.  Looking up at the glowing sparks rising, the smell of the smoke around us... damn, I wouldn't mind living out here, under this big sky and around these tall gods known as trees.  I couldn't ask for a better paradise.  Well, maybe one with a shirtless Luke but you get what I mean.

We had just finished eating our sandwiches and through our plates in the fire.  After that, we each put on a sweat shirt.  Sitting on the log now, I was very aware of his presence not a few inches next to me.  We were silent now, and he still hadn't continued his questions.  It was turning slightly awkward. 

"Are you still in shock over nothing or are you ready to continue?" I was looked at him, tilted more towards him.  His worried eyes found mine and I felt my heart jump.  Not only were we somewhat close, the light that hit his face from the fire, at the angle he was at... well, I looked down at the ground for a moment so he couldn't see my face in case awe reached it.

 "Over nothing?" he asked quietly, looking upset I would see it as nothing.

I sighed.  "It's nothing in comparison to everything else you still don't know.  I think it would be best if we stop now if you're disgusted to the maximum already."  I chuckled slightly.  He really had no clue how bad it got if he thought what I said so far was awful. 

He took a deep breath and shook his head.  "I'm sorry, I want to keep going.  This is the point, to know the extent of your pain."  He ran a hand through his lit hair.  Moving it to rest in his lap, my eyes caressed the locks of hair that feel forwards again, lightly hanging over his smooth face.  "As you know, it bothers me the way people treat you.  What is more chilling is how comfortable you are with it.  So tell me what it was that made you like that.  What kind of harassment would people put you through?"

This would make him upset the most, I was sure.  But he asked and I looked forward to seeing his reaction.  "Well, I grew up on being laughed at.  Usually, it was because of how I looked.  School was the absolute worse place for me.  Judgmental little brats.  Anyway, like I said before, I was on my own in raising myself.  I didn't know what was proper or not, what was ugly or not when really young.  I would go to school with different socks and shoes before I knew any better.  My hair was always tough to deal with so it always looked like a mess.  There were a couple times where Clare would cut all my hair off during the night and the next day, it would be just constant laughing and teasing.  The usual name calling.  Some were harsh though.  Like how I was a bother to everyone and that there is a reason they all laugh at me.  I was useless, crazy, an out of her mind bitch going to hell with all the other freaks of nature.  I recall this one time, very vividly, where I was on the playground and became jealous at this one kid at school. He would have this huge bouncy ball was playing with it. I asked if I could try it, and he pushed me down and kicked me.  A few other kids joined, screaming how I didn't deserve something as good as a toy.  Nobody liked me, but it was worth a shot. The best part of school was the playground, even with nobody to play with.  But that was also the time most would try to pick fights with me.  I was nice to everyone in school for a while but after countless teasing that would leave me in tears, I became the toughest bitch they ever saw.  That was elementary school.  Middle school was so much worse.  I remember one time, a group of ten kids dragged me behind the school and beat me, badly.  The fights got worse, daily.  But the words... I tell you, kids are creative," I scoffed, shaking my head in disgust at the memories.  "'Why are you in my class?  The deformed and retards are in special ed,' they would say in class. 'Who cares about what you think?  Why bother in school, you are a fucked up failure,' they would whisper during a test.  'Crazy lesbian cunt,' a girl yelled when I attacked her for earlier comments.  'Are these battle scars from your mom,' a boy would say in seeing any fresh cuts or bruises.  It's not too bad but for a kid my age, it hurt.  Around that time was when I became use to that shit.  In high school though, I wasn't prepared at all.  It was one of my worst experiences on the first day of freshmen year, a group of guys forced me into the boys bathroom.  They put me on my knees, undid their belts, and said 'suck us, you insane bitch.'"  I shuddered at the memory that would never leave me.  Looking into Luke's eyes, I went on.  "Five guys and I couldn't fight my way out.  They forced me to do that for about 3 hours."

Luke rested his arm on mine, outrage and hurt all over his face.  He swallowed hard and looked ready to drown in sympathy for me.  He shook his head quickly, not wanting to believe it.  He looked pale and slightly sick.  "It... they didn't take it further, did they?" he asked in a scares voice.

"No, just oral sex. That was the worst, but I have been sexually harassed enough times for me come to expect it."

"Wait, this happened again?!" he was nearly in hysterics it seemed.

I shook my head.  "Nothing that bad.  I have been felt up a lot though and some even managed to take my shirt off before I punch them.  Just stuff like that." 

I felt his breath uneven slightly and could feel he moved closer to me from where we were sitting.  His side pressing into mine, his hand rested on my back.  I wasn't sure for my comfort or his but I wasn't complaining.  So close, I looked up at him to my right and saw this really disturbed him.  But hey, he asked. 

I went on.  "That's school.  Outside of school, I was usually at home.  Around the time of high school, I was getting blamed for more than just cutting myself.  Years prior, I was accused of hurting people and killing them from how violent I became.  But during high school, I was getting blamed kind of as a joke for every murder in the area.  Soon, those jokes kind of became a brand with me.  Some even believed I did those things.  Tons of rumors around school.  This led to assaults on me in my house.  Bricks would be thrown through the window before, some would just come to the door and bitch at me.  By then, half the teasers feared me and would come to my house out of a dare.  If I was pissed off enough, I would tell them they were next on my list and scare them a bit," I laughed a little, recalling the expressions I got out of some kids I told that to.  "A couple times before I've been approached by priests and they would start praying in front of me for God to save this poor creature that doesn't know better but wished to be accepted into heaven."

I felt Luke chuckle slightly next to me.  Smiling, I glanced up to him.  "Damn, priests?  Priests actually went that far?"

"Haha, yeah.  I would fool with them too which was fun.  I wouldn't be surprised if one comes again."

He processed that for a minute but he knew that he needed to accept it.  Like I said earlier, it was bad.  So he soon went on no matter how much his mind was spinning at the moment.  "What are some things Clare did to you?  I mean, I know you said that you were also inside and did as she asked.  But if she hated you so much, I feel like she would have done more."

I nodded.  "Yeah, she did.  When I was younger, she liked seeing me cry and the beatings wouldn't always satisfy her.  She would often try to... distort the features I had of my fathers.  She couldn't stand seeing my father in me.  Like I said, she cut my hair before.  She also hated my eyes and would force me to wear contacts sometimes if she was in a bad enough mood.  Sometimes, she would tell me I was just too ugly and literally make me wear a paper bag over my head.  I remember she once tried... permanently changing some features.  I have my fathers ears so... she tried cutting small parts of my earlobe away.  The scar is still there but unnoticeable if you don't look for it.  It happened when i was about five but I remember it well enough.  She also use to place me against a fence every once in a while, throw knives at me and purposefully miss just to scare me.  That was one of the scariest things I even experienced.  I didn't know she was a good aim at that age.  I remember that some days, she would send me to my room for no reason.  I usually liked that time though.  I had a chance to actually play with the few toys she actually bought me.  But I didn't get too have them long.  She would come up to my room and grab whatever it was I was playing with and either burn it or ruin it or throw it away.  That went for all my toys.  She would buy me new ones and wait until I got attached to them all again before destroying them again.  Clare also--"

"Wait, wait," Luke said, cutting me off.  Looking up at him, I saw his hand gripped his knee tightly.  "I don't know if I can hear anymore."  I raised my eyebrow at him and he caught my eye, rethinking his words.  "Well, just give me a second.  That's... that's a lot about Clare to take in."

I rolled my eyes.  "According to you, it doesn't matter because it never happened.  These are all lies to you and only the truth for me."

He nodded.  "I know.  But... it hurts knowing that's reality for you."

"Are you done listening then or willing to keep going?" I asked.  Now that I was seeing that this really hurt and bothered him, call me cruel but I enjoyed his torment because it showed that that would be a fraction of his reaction to knowing his wife really did that.  Plus, I liked that he was understanding the depth of pain I went though and him being this taken over by it, it was slightly refreshing in an odd way. 

"No, I'm sorry.  Please, go on."

I watched him with a calculating eye.  His knee pressed against mine seemed to bring me more warmth than the fire and because of this dumb attraction I had to him, telling him all this seemed more important to me.  Sighing, I looked back to the crackling fire and the wood slowly burning down. 

"Alright." I said.  "She was obsessed with forcing me to watch clips from WW2.  I was very young, three or four, and she would strap me down in the chair in front of the TV and make me watch soldiers getting shot and the victors playing with the bodies.  Some of the most disturbing war footage you can imagine actually.  The piles of bodies at concentration camps....  One time, she had me watch a video of the Nazi's lining all the Jews up outside in the middle of winter for hours.  In the video, they had to stand there for hours, sometimes the whole day.  If one of them moved out of line, they were shot.  After seeing that, she unstrapped me and guess what she would make me do?" I scoffed in a light voice, feeling the pure hatred for that woman bubble up in me.  I wanted to kill her so badly.  "She would force me to stand out in the snow, bare feet with nothing more than my clothes, for an hour or two.  If I moved, she would hit me hard and call me weak if I couldn't handle it."  I took a deep breath, looking up at the now black sky.  The stars were beautiful above.  I always loved the stars.  They have no purpose in our lives really.  But that's why I loved them so much.  Looking down and back to Luke in a glance, I went on. "There is just so many things she's done to me before when I was younger.  Countless, it seems.  Pointless labor like digging holes then filling them back in.  Forcing me to act stupid and crazy to boast her word and to embarrass me.  Making me eat raw eggs so I would get sick, hiding my shoes so I would be forced to go to school without them, locking me in a closet for a couple days straight in darkness.  Those day were some of the worse of my life.  Tie me up and bind me to a chair when she went to work, burn my hand on the stove, take a knife to my bed and shred it to pieces....  It's just endless." I paused, coming back to the present.  "That was early, when I was young.  By the time I was nearing my teenage years, I began fighting back more.  It led to more beatings, absolutely.  But I knew I had at least a little more power around her, even if she wouldn't admit it.  She knew I was strong so backed off a little bit.  That didn't stop her from harassing me though."

  When I was done and looked up to him again, it was different from the other times I looked to him.  His eyes stunned mine.  He was so close to me, closer than before and I felt my breath rush out at the sight before me.  His eye were sad and sorry but they were also so incredibly beautiful at the same time.  The fire light made them glow, the green shined through with the edges of light.  He stared deep into my eyes with intensity.  So close... we were both facing each other, his leg against mine and so was his side now. 

"I have so many more questions but not enough to finish tonight..." he said, slightly dazed and in a whisper.  His voice was gentle and brushed my face. 

After he spoke, I was too lost in that moment that I couldn't respond.  It didn't look as if he was waiting for a response though.  In fact, he seemed just as lost in my eyes as I was in his.  I told myself that he was just shocked over all I have told him but it appeared there was more to it than that.  His eyes, besides holding sympathy and hurt for me, they also held awe.  His head tilted down and mine up as we stared into each others eyes, so close, it allowed for his locks of hair to fall forward and frame his face perfectly. Hell, he was always perfect.  His lips were flat, straight but they came to be something I couldn't keep my eyes from occasionally flickering to for the fact that I wanted them on mine so badly. 

His hand rose and I  felt him lightly brush the side of my cheek before his chilly finger tips brushed my ear.  I felt his breath slightly pick up.  "She... she didn't like seeing your fathers features?" he whispered just lightly.  He was distracted it seemed but was able to get the question out either way.

"Yes," I whispered, so close.  So close to him... god, just more a little closer and I would touch his lips. 

"You're so beautiful, it shouldn't matter a damn bit," he whispered again, his lips remaining parted after he spoke.  His breath was harder, eyes still burning into mine.  I noticed his cheeks flushed slightly but we both were still locked in that daze. 

I felt his hand move from my cheek and into the locks of my hair.  Luke's fingers caressed my neck and head while running his fingers in my hair.  The contact caused shivers to spark under my skin, from my neck and down to my feet.  I shuddered lightly and rose my hand as well without even thinking.  I placed it on his face and cupped his cheek, my thumb stroking the smooth skin of his face before I knew it.  He didn't seem to mind though.  God, would he mind if we moved any closer?  I just wanted him to wrap me in his arms and kiss me.  There would always be that voice in me, scolding me for wanting such a thing from my stepfather.  There were too many reasons why it was wrong.  That didn't change that I still wanted him.

In a breathy voice again, he spoke.  "You... you are so... incredible."

His eyes, they were so green.  I wanted to look into them forever.  "No... I'm not."

"You are so... god, you are so strong." He breathed again and the brush of his sweet breath inches away made me want to thrive in him.  Just him and only him.  His hand in my hair came forward again and stopped against my cheek, cupping it like I was his.  I nearly moaned at that touch.  His hand now warm, I closed my eyes in comfort for a long second before opening them again and connecting them in his.  "I'm sorry..." He said.

"Sorry for what?" I whispered back.

"Everything.  That... that that happened to you.... And that I can't believe you.  No matter... how much I may want to." His breath seemed to pick up even more.  I can't tell for sure either but I thought I saw his eyes widen slightly.  A second later though, he broke that extremely long connection and daze we were sharing and moved back slightly, leaning back and away from me.  He was still breathing deeply though was trying to hide it like I was.  He looked away before standing up, kind of abruptly too if you asked me. 

Looking up at him in confusion, I saw him stretch and look down at me.  But when meeting his gaze, it was as if he was putting up a block and refused to show me what was just present among us again.  He also looked slightly shaken up but tried to appear normal or casual.  "I'm feeling kind of tired." He said, yawning.  He smiled down at me kindly and I smiled back, still unable to stop replaying what just happened in my head.  "We should get to bed.  Big day tomorrow."

After nodding in agreement, not bothering to ask why tomorrow was important, I watched him as he swiftly walked back into the trees for a moment and grabbed the empty bucket.  Not pausing, he seemed in a hurry and quickly walked towards the water of the lake, his back to me as he moved out of sight.  As he was getting the water in order to put out the fire for the night, which it feels like we just started, I couldn't quit thinking over the last couple of minutes. 

What was that?  It was like we were both just taken over.  Probably not by the same thing.  I was dazed in his beauty, at how close he was, at how he made me feel... I was close to positive that if anything, he had that strange reaction as well because he was still shocked and trying to take in everything I said.  My annoying friend called hope kept up the argument that that didn't explain why he was staring at me like that or why he called me beautiful.  I knew he wasn't attracted to me or had feelings for me.  He couldn't, that wasn't the kind of man he was.  Hell, the dude was married!  Hello!  He was my stepfather, a cop, a legal adult, one that was nine years older than me, a married man, one that was married to my mother!  Not to mention I am insane to him. Yeah, there was no way he held those feelings.